Thursday, 19 May 2011

  • I Am the Crazy Girlfriend


    I have a confession to make:

    Whenever I'm in a relationship...

    I am THAT girlfriend that can't stop questioning her boyfriend about his exes.

    I am THAT girlfriend that takes his answers about his exes personally, as if by telling me he used to be in love with someone, he's cheating on me.

    I am THAT girlfriend that freaks out when another girl kisses him on the cheek. (Granted, she does this very often, and she hooked up with him last year before I even met him... I don't know if anyone else would freak out about that but I sure did.)

    I am THAT girlfriend that still can't forgive her boyfriend for things like the above even after he flicked the girl off and threw her out of his house (it took him 3 months after I told him I was unhappy about it before he told her to stop).

    For me, when my (hypothetical) boyfriend messes up, I forgive him in the moment and move on. But over time, resentment slowly builds until I am blind with anger even when I see him. Sporadically, I will feel the anger and I will be moved to angry tears where I can barely talk to him without yelling.

    I hate that.

    I know that I'm wrong. I know that even though he has faults in whatever he did, and whatever he couldn't say to make me feel better. But in the end, resentment is a huge problem. Lack of self-confidence is another problem. When I am not in a relationship, I don't pity myself and I am fairly comfortable with myself. However, as soon as I find someone to be close to, I become this monster. I associate pain and hurt with love, and I don't know how to love without that factor.

    Please. I know that I'm wrong and I want to desperately change. I don't know how to handle my emotions! I can only tell myself to stop, and it goes away after a while, only to come back again. 

    Does anyone have any advice for me? I don't want to be this person. I don't know why I am this person. I just want to love people properly, instead of shattering any relationship that seems too good for comfort. I also just want to be happy.

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Comments (26)

  • tavatava@xanga
    I don't really have a lot to offer here, except:


    (1) Relax.
    (2) Watch a few good movies.
    (3) Stay single for a while, and give it time. It's not the kind of characteristic that you can change overnight.
  • i_madeA_USERNAME@xanga

    I used to be the same way. Not too sure if I still am, since I haven't been in a relationship for a while.

    However, going to therapy may help you manage your emotions more. They might be able to give you guidelines to follow. Chances are your childhood may be the root cause for this behavior, believe it or not. I discovered my behavior was all stemming from my past and what I experienced growing up and with my family. Also reading "self help" books..I read ones on relationships and they were really eye openers. I honestly believe I can now handle a relationship with more of a clear mind and more "common sense".
    Good luck. Recognizing a problem is the first step to fixing it.
  • lttlegel@lovelyish

    I'm not sure why you behave this way... perhaps you had a bad past experience. If that's the case, I can kind of understand... once you've really been hurt, it is hard to trust again.

    It seems to me that the problem is that you are going into every relationship the same and expecting the same things.... girl [you] meets boy, boy does something wrong, girl "forgives" boy [or at least says she does] and eventually the problem surfaces again and is blown wayyy out of proportion because the stress and anger has been building up.

    My advice: Go into your next relationship [when you are ready for one] and approach it exactly as it is... a new experience, a new person to get to know, something totally different than your past. Be honest, be open, & communicate with him about your concerns. Tell him you may need some extra reassurance. Relax, take things as they come and do not over analyze. 

    DO NOT CREATE PROBLEMS THAT AREN'T THERE !!! --- Seriously, easier said than done, I know... but give your [hypothetical] boyfriend a chance. Don't fight with him if he hasn't done anything wrong, trust him until he gives you a reason not to.

    Believe it or not, there are at least a few good men in this world. I have one, I have family & friends who are with them and I am friends with some as well. I am afraid that if you keep behaving this way, you will chase away a good man.

    Congrats on recognizing the problem and asking for help:) Good luck to you!!

  • bmillerssailor@xanga

    Honestly, I was like this in High School. I could not, for the life of me, just be COMFORTABLE and HAPPY with someone.

    This all changed when I met the right guy. He changed me without having to ask. Not sure how or why this happened but it did and I haven't been that girl ever since. Wish I had better advice to give. The only advice I have is to stay single and when you meet the right one, it will be easier to relax.
  • cubancutiepie@xanga

    Been there, done that!! Ughhh, Im still like this sometimes. Honestly, I am learning to just love people as they are, faults and all, because that's how I want to be loved. Reminding myself that I need to love people in that way helps keep me even-tempered and positive. My love doesn't change and I'm the best possible me when I love in that way.

    I would just remain single for awhile and be happy with yourself and like another commenter stated, go into the relationship like it's completely new :)
  • testyman666@xanga

    I like chicks like you.

    Kind of reminds me of Gigi from He's not that into you.

    She was the only character that displayed raw, honest emotion.

    If it makes you feel any better, all Italian/portugese/greek/spanish/persian woman are "that crazy girlfriend" lol
  • Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga

    Sounds pretty common.  You're not alone.
  • AtLeastWereStillAlive@xanga

    I'm that girl too <3 It's okay.


    But I agree with what @bmillerssailor@xanga said; I think if you walk away from this relationship (even though it is sooo hard) that eventually the right person will come along and it won't be like that.
  • Beb3Lika@xanga

    you need to dig deep and question where these emotions are coming from.  why do you feel the need to question your boyfriends, why do you freak out?  i don't mean to sound rude, but have you been cheated on before and it affected you in a way that makes you lash out at others, or has something or someone in your life hurt you in a way that makes you feel the way you do now?  maybe this is just the way you are, but i think you need to understand why this is happening/the root of the problem before you can really find a solution.  
  • foreverlala@xanga

    i can honestly say that I am that crazy gf. or i can be. its in our nature to get jealous and hold onto grudges and say we're fine even when we're not. i would tell you to stop focusing on his past and your past if you're going to get upset about anything relevant to that matter than dont bring it up. there's a reason why he isnt with his x and he's with you now. of course you're going to be curious about his past and in a sense want to compare yourself with his past lovers but a healthy and happy relationship builds with honesty and trust. if you're really serious about this guy and feelings are mutual you shouldn't have anything to worry about. ive been down this road and ive been miserable. you need to have the confident to love and trust yourself as well. being in love should be a joyous thing. it should make you feel beautiful and confident inside and out.

  • AmeliaHart@xanga

    I would suggest therapy. It might help you get to the root of the problem.


    In general it seems you treat your S.O. like he is your property. You should respect him and expect his respect in return. Allow him to make his own choices and endeavor to be equal partners.

  • GettingClosertoFine@xanga

    Therapy and a medication program. Go get it.

    I know it's cliche, I know some meds are dangerous these days, but that's what it took for me to kick my crazy and it might be what it takes for you to kick yours. It may not even be your fault, just some chemical imbalance or some trauma affecting your day-to-day life. Just go talk to someone, a professional, and explain the problem. They'll diagnose you and give you a bunch of options, even ones not involving medication, and you pick whichever you feel most comfortable with.

    We are not professionals. We are hurling guesses at you based on sketchy personal experience, and half of us don't even have a mental disorder. I do, which is why I know better than to try to guess. Go see someone with a degree in Crazy People.
  • xStillHopingx@xanga

    thank you for this, i was starting to feel it was just me and i was the worst girlfriend in the world. 
  • rabbitsarecool14@xanga

    You just need to be more confident in yourself and not dependent on what your hypothetical boyfriend does.  I think its okay to have feelings about certain things, especially touchy things like other girls, etc.  You just have to think logically, at least that's what I do.  You have to be objective sometimes so that you don't get all crazy.  For example, it's logical for you to be upset or questioning if a boyfriend has breached your trust or is keeping secrets from you, etc.  It's not logical for you to be so paranoid if he's done nothing to warrant this.  There's crazy behavior and there's crazy reasoning.  I think crazy behavior is warranted sometimes, because significant others can drive you nuts, I mean there's a lot of emotions and trust in there.  It's only if your reasoning is crazy, then you need to work on that.  That's my advice.
  • omgroxie@xanga

    I can't help you, because I'm also the crazy girlfrend.
  • isitreal_no@xanga

    I used to be just like this...until I met a man that showed me about honesty and trust and just enjoying the moment and that the past is just the past. We aren't together anymore....but now I know when I go into my next relationship it will be great!!! :)
  • chiffon_pixie@xanga

    i agree with the people who say to seek therapy. there may not even be anything wrong with you or how you view relationships, and there may be someone out there compatible for your brand of "crazy". i know of some girls who are like you in a relationship and are perfectly fine with it, or even proud of it, and i know of guys who dig crazy chicks. the problem here, i think, is not the way you are, but the fact that it causes you so much distress and effects your life and self-esteem so greatly. simply put, you are not happy with the way that you are and for that i'd suggest therapy. a good therapist can not only help you figure out why you are the way that you are, but can also give you tools to help you communicate more effectively and handle your emotions.

  • krystle_lane@xanga

    Reading your post feels like you just wrote out what I was.
    I am (or was) the same thing. Thats the reason why my Ex calls be a Phsyco Bitch now. (thats another story).
    But yeah I would stalk ALL HIS EXs ALL THE TIME, specially on facebook and other networking sites. I would read his past emails and made sure that they DON'T message him ever again. Because I have this rule. Exs can NEVER be friends, but he is friends with some of his Exs. which really pissed me off. But yeah. I made sure we never went to the same restaurants or places that he took his exs to or did with his exs. It was really all so obsessive. I Admit I was an obsessive person.

    But yeah I got tired of it and when I let lose, all hell exploded.

    So now I am single and that is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So I suggest that you remain single for a while and see how much better it can be. :)

    cheers!
    Krystle Lane
  • P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga

    I'm only that girl when there are red flags that the guy is still hung up on his ex, yet he denies it, and I don't feel that secure, because I believe that he still has feelings for her, and I'm the substitute to help him cure his heartbroken feelings, which was true, so I left since I felt used and he wasn't genuine. I'm currently no longer that girl because the guy that I'm talking to seems to dislike his cheating ex-gf, so I know that he doesn't have feelings of wanting to get back with her. the other guys also said hurtful things because they are the insecure ones, who get a kick out of seeing me jealous, but my new guy is more considerate and doesn't provoke me
  • tomorrow_may_rain@xanga

    @AmeliaHart@xanga - Second the therapy suggestion.

    I was this girlfriend too, but I realized it was because my ex behaved inappropriately with a lot of girls. I had no reason to trust him. Hopefully my craziness doesn't transfer to my next relationship, so I can know, once and for all, that it was him, not me.

  • annamariuhh@xanga

    Don't project.
  • Liquid_Pain_523@xanga

    My advise would be to be proactive and patient. Every time you find yourself getting jealous, remind yourself of why you shouldn't be getting jealous, and take some deep breaths to calm down. Over time, you should eventually calm down naturally.
  • The_Tudor_Rose@xanga

    I'm not reading through everyone's comments, but dear lord I hope someone else has suggested it. If you know you have a problem, see a therapist. They will help you to understand the root of it, and where your emotions stem from. It is clearly a much larger issue than just being "that girlfriend". it is something much deeper.

    Therapists are nothing to be afraid of, and I loved mine. She got me through a lot of hard times and helped me to understand myself better so that I could function day to day without problems.

    Take care, keep your chin up and you will be okay ^.^
  • superGchik@xanga
    Just play it cool. If u know it's going to bother you, dont ask about it, sometimes it's better not to know.
  • terra_goddess@xanga

    I don't know if this will help but it definitely helps me. I do the same damn thing every  time. He does something wrong, I forgive and eventually forget. But it's my head that forgets...not my heart. So I actually did have relations with my guy before but broke up with him because I was crazy and thought that he still loved his ex.......which wasn't the case. Now we're back together and I DON'T WANT IT HAPPENING AGAIN. Sooo....I've started writing. I write letters/notes to him about things that irk me. We solve them and instead of forgetting them and it helps ease my craziness a bit.

    So, I'd recommend that every time you remember why you feel crazy or what your bf did wrong...write it down. When it's collected 10 - 15 things. End it and give it to your bf. Just tell him that this is why you've been acting weird and if he could go through each thing and talk it out, it would make you feel better. Worked for me...good luck to you ;)

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