Monday, 16 May 2011
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I Was a Victim of Domestic Abuse
It's something couples experience. It's something a lot of couples experience--sometimes without realizing it. Abuse isn't just something the occurs physically, it can also be mental which sometimes has longer lasting effects than pushes and slaps across the face. My ex boyfriend laid his hands on me once and I hardly remember it--but I can recall every single negative thing he ever said to me. Sometimes when I close my eyes all I can see is the words reeling through my head like a typewriter. Sometimes they nit-pick at me until I wonder if they had a hint of truth to them. If someone who I was with for three years and who told me he loved me every single day could say these awful things to me, how could they not be true?"You're stupid"
"You're ugly, go put on your makeup"
Progressed to-
"You're a worthless piece of shit. I'm glad you killed the baby I got you pregnant with, I couldn't have handled it being as retarded as you"
"Maybe if you weren't such a slutty bitch I wouldn't want to talk to other girls"
I never stood up for myself. I never told him he was wrong. All I did was think of ways I could improve myself for him so he wouldn't leave me. I felt like if he broke up with me I would have nothing--and in a sense I was right because I had given up everything I loved for him. I'd ditched my friends, quit playing softball, quit my job... all to satisfy him. The day he pushed me into the wall and threatened to kill me was but a blip in my memories of him, and when I retell the story to this day sometimes I forget to mention how he physically hurt me--but I'll never forget the hatred that burned in his eyes and the angst with which he said those words. I knew if he hit me hard enough I could scream and my mom would hear me, but he could get away with the snarky comments and the insults under his breath without being noticed.
Domestic abuse is serious. It's life threatening and self-deprecating. So when I see other people in the situation it breaks my heart. I remember what it meant to not understand it wasn't my fault. I remember how his words cut me to my core and how I was so afraid.
But because of that asshole, I am stronger than I've ever been. I am more confident in my body and my personality and my entire being than before I met him. I realized how worthless he was and how he means absolutely nothing. Anyone that can physically or emotionally torment another person, and then lay in the same bed as them and tell them how much they love them is a sociopath. They lack empathy. They lack compassion or ability to understand how another person feels.
There is never a reason to stay in this situation. They won't change, no matter how much therapy they get--especially if they haven't made any effort TO change. They don't love you--someone who loves you will not hit you or tell you you're worthless or make you feel like shit. Someone who truly loves you will make you feel like you are the most amazing person in the world and you will feel like a better, more rounded human being.
So don't ever, EVER, let someone put you down. Don't ever let someone treat you like you are dirt or make you feel like life isn't worth living, because you are beautiful and you are incredible and you should never allow someone to put a price on your worth. You are priceless.
Have you ever experienced anything similar? How have you overcome it?
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- From: jmeLove_x@xanga
- Name: jmeLove_x
- Location: Santa Cruz, California, United States
- About Me: I want to touch your soul with my words and eat your heart out with my body. I'm a writer with a dirty mind and a camera I'm not afraid to use. I hope you aren't offended easily, because I've got a strong opinion that I'm not afraid to share.
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Comments (62)
Thank you for this. Maybe one day I will take your advice.
This was the reason I had to leave my last relationship. She would say things that weren't true only to hurt me when she was angry with me. One time, she told me that she cheated on me, even though she didn't. She would also find a way to manipulate my thought process so that somehow I always believed that everything wrong that happened was my fault. I've also been slapped, pushed and shoved and had my ears screamed out by her. I couldn't take it anymore and like you, I would think to myself, "How can someone who said they loved me treat me like this?"
Damn abusive people, I want to abuse them right back just so they learn their lesson.
Why do women choose to date guys that will abuse them like this?
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - I doubt they listed 'abuser' on their eHarmony profile.
Even though I was never touched physically, I've realized recently that for the past year I've been emotionally abused to the Nth degree. I was in severe, severe denial, and it has hit me so hard to realize I let myself be subject to this. The guy is a true sociopath in every sense of the word, and only now do I see how he lured me in, led me on, used me, and absolutely verbally and emotionally abused me while doing things to keep me hanging on...thanks for the article, it brought tears to my eyes, but it's something more people need to be aware of!
@Grtt@xanga - Maybe not, but women are usually good at reading guys like open books.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Well obviously not all of them are, lol. Some men are pretty good at putting up a front too.
7 months ago abandoned my relationship because of the same exact thing. I feel your pain, from the typewriter to the words to the barely remembering being hit. I hope you find true happiness.
I went through this myself, though it was with someone online. You'd think it's so much easier to leave, because, hey, they're just a bunch of 0s and 1s. But I couldn't leave. Or maybe I wouldn't. When I worked up the courage to finally say "Enough", either he'd go on about how he never meant it and how he was just stressed and that he really loved me, or he'd say that if I left him, he'd definitely kill himself, because I was all he had, so I stayed. He'd call me a name no matter what I did, good or bad. Then literally right after, he'd go on about how depressed he was, and ask me to get naked on webcam to cheer him up, even though he knew I hated to do it. I should have known better than to trust a guy who legally changes his last name to "Trouble", heh.
But thanks to my best friend who basically shook me and asked me what I was doing to myself, I was able to gain the courage to finally stand up to him for good. And I think because my best friend was also a guy, it helped me to see that not all men will be like Mr. Trouble.
To those who ask why we get ourselves into these situations, there's a lot of reasons. I can tell you mine was a mix of fear, hoping I could help him get better, and the fact that no one else seemed to want me, so I thought I just couldn't do any better and that this was what I deserved. It's not like these guys show up and start calling you names right there. They usually start out very friendly, telling you all the right things and making you feel important. He shows you his vulnerable side and gets you hooked on him completely. Then he tests the waters, calls you a name and sees how you respond. If you don't immediately walk out or tell him to leave, or if he can convince you he wasn't serious, then he knows he's got you trapped. They prey on women with low self-esteem, and by the time we realize something is wrong, we're too far in.
my aunt was physically and verbally abused. she'd call her sister crying, but it was only to vent, she didn't want to leave her abusive husband even if he repeatedly abused her. I remember when I was a kid, I heard her crying in the living room as she talked to my mother, because her short tempered husband hit her. 20 something years later, they are still married and the abuse apparently was an on and off thing that continually happened and she continued to endure it, because she "loved" him even though by his actions/words, he didn't really love her, and she was financially dependent on him, because she can't work due to her bad health, and she stayed for the kids-but her kids were now older and even encouraged her to leave. she revealed something disturbing to me last year about how she would rather stay with her abusive husband than go back to be reminded of her family, whom she hated-her mother and father also had an unhealthy relationship where they argued constantly because he was a cheater with many mistresses. history repeated itself sadly. she said that she got pregnant and married young to escape the miserable life at home, but ironically, her plan to escape turned into another nightmare that she couldn't seem to escape from.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Have you ever heard of manipulation? A lot of abusers are really great manipulators. My father was one of them. Hey, in a crowd full of people, everyone thought he was super! Once he was home, another story. He could fool anyone. Plenty of abusers are like that. Its not that women are CHOOSING to date someone who's abusive (how stupid is that?), but that the abusers manipulate them.
To the OP, Please ignore douche comments. My gosh! I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, but I love how you got more confidence through it. I've been abused, not by a boyfriend/girlfriend, but by my own father. I know I'm stronger, but It's definitely taking me a LONG time to get to that place. Good for you!
why didnt you revolt?
So many cheapest oakley sunglasses all in the store,panic buying now!!!sometimes. most people do realize that they are already manipulated or abused, its just that they are still with the idea that their partner would change... there are a lot of cases of abuse, and its increasing. the reasons would be these victims dont know what to do, cant decide what to do or dont want to do anything about it... i have a friend who is experiencing verbal abuse- as a friend i would go red whenever i know that her bf would call her names- that bf would not even introduce her to his friends.. even with thaT SHE still understands him, even though i constantly tell her that everything is enough. that shes not what he is telling her about, shes a lot more. i think these abused people should again check what they deserve,,,
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - It's not a matter of choosing to be with 'someone like that', it's a matter of falling for someone and being unaware of their true personality. My ex was wonderful for the first 6 months of our relationship, and after moving in together and committing a lot of my time and effort to him, I was hooked. I was in so deep at this point that when the lesser comments started happening ("you're stupid", "you're ugly", etc.) I thought it was just a normal progression of the relationship. It wasn't until two year in that I realized the transition and understood what was happening, and at that point I felt like I'd lost everything in my life.
It's not always something that is blatantly obvious.
@amourdunmonstre@xanga - I'm glad you were able to realize how terribly you were being treated. It's so hard to realize and accept this when you are in love with someone, and quite often we are blinded. We are confused by their opposing actions and want so much to believe that they are good at heart and just have bouts of insanity.
It's a tough situation, but sometimes it's even more difficult to get out of.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - I hear ya. I never understood why women were so attracted to the "Bad boy" . There are some good men out there, and theyre usually the ones who cant find a girlfriend. I will never understand why the woman just doesant LEAVE and quit being abused.
I can kind of relate, my wife used to be abusive, I left, told her I wouldnt put up with it, and she changed her behavior,,,at least, shes trying. Succeeding, to.Page.
I was there too. He broke a few of my ribs when he threw me across the room. That was the last straw. He decided to go to Cuba for a week without me and I moved all my stuff out and lived between my BFF's house and the moving truck until I found a new place. My family and friends were super supportive so that got me through it. Now I'm in a loving relationship with a man who adores me and would never do anything to hurt me. He knows about the past which helps a lot because he knows why I might break down over little things.
@Page887@xanga - Women aren't necessarily attracted to "bad boys" directly; they're attracted to certain personality traits that bad boys just so happen to carry.  Yes, many women claim they want to date nice, caring, and sensitive men, but in reality they'll only go on a few dates with said guys before becoming bored with them.  Said guys who are potentially abusive on the other hand are usually confident, unpredictable, exciting, and in control.  They don't suck up to women and act needy for their approval or act insecure as to whether or not said women like them.  Above everything, women want to be with guys who at least initially make them feel secure.  That means they don't want to date guys who are total wussbags that secede all their power and control. Â
@Page887@xanga - Because sometimes when you love someone, you think that *you* can be the one to change them. And sometimes the desire is so strong and it drives people to stay--because you believe that it really was a mistake, that he won't do it again, and that everything will go back to how it was when you fell for them.
And the guys who abuse aren't always 'bad boys'. When I first got together with my ex he was the most amazing, sweet, loving guy I'd met--and that's why I fell for him--but then he slowly turned into this monster, I guess when he got comfortable with me and knew I wouldn't leave. So it's hard to lump all men, or all people in general, in to one lump sum--because you never know who is going to be an abuser, and sometimes it's too late to turn back.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Exactly. And it becomes so much more than attraction, and once you hit that point it's even harder to turn back.
@jmeLove_x@xanga - One thing that should be noted:
We all know how society villanises men and victimises women -- and also your ex-boyfriend isn't here to defend himself. Are you sure you aren't leaving certain details out such as - YOU provoking him or ever verbally assaulting him (and not just in defence)? There's always two sides to a story.
I'm sure he is 100% at fault if he laid hands on you regardless of what you said/did but motive is always taken in consideration when making a judgement about another person.
Also as a side-note, men who have been abused aren't likely to come forward. Men who get abused just have to take it; if they do come forward, there's less of a chance for anyone to have any sympathy for said men.
People who are abusive - mentally or physically - are absolutely the lowest of the low. It usually stems from insecurity and incredibly low self worth. To mask this, they have to put someone else down constantly in order to make them feel "better".
The scary part, like someone else mentioned, is that they are completely lacking in empathy. When an abuser "apologizes", it usually comes from a place of selfishness, not actual remorse for what they did to YOU. They are sorry because they are afraid you will tell someone, they are sorry because they are afraid you will leave and they will be alone, they are sorry for all sorts of reasons but in reality they are not actually feeling sorry that they hurt the person they supposedly "love". Because if they were truly sorry about that, it wouldn't continue happening, plain and simple.
I think its important to recognize, as a few guys have mentioned, it is completely possible for a woman to be the abusive one in a relationship. Maybe not physically as often, but mentally this happens more than we might think. The trouble is that a guy is less likely to say they are being "abused" by their girlfriend.
Anyone who insults you, puts you down, insults your intelligence, self worth, or self image is NOT someone who loves you, and whether they are a boyfriend, girlfriend, or even just a friend, they are being abusive and it's not healthy.