Friday, 13 May 2011
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Have You Ever Done "The Fake Reach"?
To me, there is nothing less appealing than a guy who expects me to pay for a date. I know, I know, Susan B. Anthony is probably rolling around in her grave as I type, but it's my honest opinion. No, this is not 1955 and, no, girls do not need guys to pay -- but most of them sure as hell want them to. When someone asks me out on a date, I don't plan on spending my hard-earned cash. Why? Because he asked me. If a girl asks a guy out, well, then the topic can be delved into a little further. Same goes with long-term relationships, because that's more of a 50/50 situation. But right now I'm focusing on all the times I have been asked to dinner, a movie, a show. Did I plan on breaking the bank? Of course not! However, I don't want to look rude or seem unappreciative, because I'm neither. I just hold myself to certain standards. This brings me to my next point: The Fake Reach.
Every girl I know has, in one time or another, done the infamous Fake Reach. Why? Because it makes you look like you're a really generous person when, in reality, the guy and I both know that my hand is fishing around through air in my bag, and is not going to come back up holding a Coach wallet. 99% of the time he's going to put on his macho I-Secretly-Wanted-To-Be-In-The-Movie-Casino voice and say, "Your money's no good here" or "Don't embarrass me, I'd never let you pay!" And I'll say "Come on, I have a job, too, you know. Let me at least put in my half of the bill."
This will go on for a few more minutes, and I'll offer to pay the tip. Here's where the situation could get ugly. Some guys feel that if they pay the check, it's okay for a girl to leave the tip. These guys, however, are sadly mistaken. We'll smile and say, "Thank you" in a huff, like we're sooo excited to contribute. What we're really thinking? I cannot believe you just let me take money out of this purse. Fat chance of getting a second date with me, buddy.
I'll never forget the time a friend of mine and I met a really gorgeous guy while we were abroad in London. He looked so much like Prince William that it was uncanny. (We totally would have talked to him even if he didn't resemble a gorgeous prince, because everyone knows that British accent knocks everyone up a few points.) Anyway, he wasn't exactly a "prince" after all. This jerk shared a cab with us, never even offered his share of the fare, let alone ours, had us buy him a drink, and never put his hand in his pocket once. He never even did the guy-version of The Fake Reach! Needless to say, we never spoke to that guy again.
The flip-side of this quandary is pretty funny. Considering I have two older brothers, and am constantly around them and their friends, in addition to a bunch of guy friends, I hear what guys talk about after a date. I know for a fact that there are many guys out there who test their dates. That's right, test. Who knew guys could be as sly as girls? We're thinking, Should I do The Fake Reach? Should I just sit here and smile, and not acknowledge the check? Should I actually pull money out and offer it to him?
And he's thinking, "Is this girl actually not going to offer to give me any money? Bad pick, bad pick." I know of many situations when guys drop a girl for not passing their little check test. And, all of these men assure me that they would rather die than ever actually make a date pay, but the fact that she doesn't offer speaks volumes about her personality.
My point? The Fake Reach is a win/win for all. I've even asked some of those guys what they thought about The Fake Reach, and they unanimously answered that it was still "something" and so it was, therefore, accepted. Girls, it will never hurt. Worst case scenario? The guy has no date etiquette and takes you up on your offer. Just remember to carry some cash, because if you're stuck washing dishes your anger will turn to embarrassment real quick!
What do you think about The Fake Reach? Have you ever done it? How do you feel about who should pay for a date?
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About the Author
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- From: Jenn
- About Me: I have been on more bad dates than I have fingers and toes to count on -- and I'm only in my early twenties! I laugh when I watch 'Sex & the City,' because I've had so many dysfunctional relationships that they might as well as made me their 5th friend. Even so, I used to love going on dates with different guys (now I only let one guy take me out on dates), eating great food, and talking on the phone until 3AM. I never did get over the idea that a guy should treat a girl like a princess -- even if I've encountered one too many frogs.
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Comments (132)
I've never done "the fake reach." I actually do try to pay for at least my half of things. Sometimes, my date and I will alternate who pays for what and sometimes, they'll really just insist on paying. I don't usually let my dates pay for me though because it feels weird... almost like I owe them something. I'm more than capable or paying for myself, so, if I can, I do.
Never done "the fake reach" either. If I'm reaching its because I do have money in my purse and am willing to use it.
I agree though if I'm asked out on the date that the guy should pay.
I once did have to pay for a dinner date, but he let me know that before I even went out with him. So I was fine with it.
@shinoseishi@xanga - agreed.
I also know that not everyone has the money to pay for themselves and someone they're interested in. Would you truly deny a cute, sweet guy because he hardly any extra cash? I always expect to pay my half unless specifically stated beforehand that he would be paying. Is it nice for them to pay? Yeah, sure. But I don't think you should base a whole relationship/friendship on whether or not he pays.
I'll only agree to go on a date if I know I could afford it anyways. Especially for first dates when there's no real established interest, I always plan on paying my half just because. It does speak volumes to me though if the guy pays, it shows he's a gentleman, can support me and is indeed interested. If a guy doesn't pay for me I'll assume that he none of the above. Second, third dates can get trickier, often I find if a man is really interested in you, he asks to take you to dinner, etc and that sort of implies he's going to pay. Until a true rapport is established I'll keep offering to pay unless he's made it clear he's treating me that night or we get to a comfortable point where we switch paying. I just don't think it's a game. I don't want to continue dating a guy who expects me to continually be paying or paying my half, as horrible as that sounds. I want a guy who can afford to support me and obviously he'll want to treat the first few times if he's that interested in me. So if I had to pay for that first date, it wouldn't be a problem in the future because I highly doubt I'll see him again lol.
when I reach for my wallet, I intend to pay. however, if the guy likes me a lot, they usually don't give me a chance to offer to help pay, because he went to the bathroom and stopped by the register to pay before I even knew it, so I'm waiting for the check, but then he already went out of his way to pay. if we go on another date, then I'll do the same thing and sneak to the register to pay and it somehow evens out. if it isn't dining out, I usually surprise guys with other things if I like him a lot. if I don't really like him, I won't bother to go out of my way, so I'll pay my half to not owe him anything because they are usually bitter that I'm taking advantage of him when I'm not. I pay half and don't see him again:D then he can't blame me for "using" him:D
Wow, this is dumb. Can't we just all be honest and straight-forward with each other?
::yawn::
Wow, this is pathetic.
Who the hell cares? You should always pay for yourself at the very least. If they offer to pay, then do half but if they must, then so be it. Always expecting someone else to do the work is plain sad.
Good luck ever finding "the one."
this whole paying the first date is just another example of
superficiality of some women.
They will reject a guy if he doesn't shell out the 10 bux or whatever
right off the bat.
The entitlement mentality is irritating but to get around that -
NO dinner ...just a drink or a coffee first time.
that's it...basta.
i dunno if i would call it a fake reach. i actually pull out my wallet, totally able to pay if need be. i am hoping they will pay though... stopping me and insisting that they pay. that passes my test. lol. my mom, dad, and brothers taught me that a gentleman pays and i like it that way.
My boyfriend and I alternate when paying. Sometimes I just pay consecutively because I want him to save. Or he asks if I want to pay or if I want him to. I really don't care. If I can give what I can, then I will. I don't do the fake reach. It just makes me feel like I'm using someone for money.
This post is like the anti-thesis to Ne-yo's "Independent Woman" lol.
ARE YOU SERIOUS? You're actually disappointed if a guy accepts your offer?
How much is the tip honestly going to be anyway... it's not like your date's gonna go spend $100+ on a first date dinner anyway. Even then, $20-25 contribution compared to a $100 meal ticket is not that much.
Way to perpetuate the gold digger myth about females.
If a guy takes and asks me out..then he's paying for it. It's understood then. And after that, if we continue to see each other, we'll take turns paying for the dates. Though I've never done the false reach.
I don't know if I'd call it a Fake Reach, but I've definitely reached for my wallet when I'm inwardly hoping that they offer to pay. If they don't, then they don't, and I'll pay for myself, but it's just courteous for a man to pay on the first date. It's an old tradition, not something that girls made up. If they offer, why the hell not? I'll take what I can get. The only thing is, it HAS to be a romantic date. If I don't plan on going out with the guy ever again, I'll most likely just pay for myself.
If you love being treated like a princess and make the guy pay for everything, at least have the decency to return the favor by making him feel just as appreciated as you do.
I do grab my wallet but I do sometimes secretly hope that he's going to pay. It depends though. If he's paid for a lot already, then I have no problem paying. I try to be as fair as possible.
I really don't see a problem with paying the tip, even on a first date. He's already paid for the whole thing so what's the big deal?!
Kudos on the British accent comment. I need to get myself to the US at some point. At least there having a good English accent would be a boon, instead of a personal humiliation considering I come from Newcastle. Its like coming from Chicago, and speaking like your from Harvard. Not cool.
Kind of get your point. But at the same time I think you are making a HUGE deal about what is essentially a small gesture. Yes, on a first date, gestures are important as they build a picture of a persons personality. But in terms of paying, I generally let it go, because everyone finds money an embarressing subject, so just joking about the awkwardness of the situation, and then paying, splitting or letting them pay and promising to get the next one. either way, it doesn't matter if you enjoyed yourself.
Judging a guy on his wallet... well... I wouldn't respect you...
i could see and completely agree with the viewpoint that the person who asks should be the one who pays, but nevertheless, on the rare circumstance a girl asks a guy out, i can't help but feel like the pressure is still on the guy to pay. which is fine, but don't complain that guys get paid more than girls if that responsibility is going to be on us. if nothing else, i'm at least glad to see that the majority of girls who have posted thus far are not the golddigging types. (by the way, if i think there's no second date, i split the check.)
op: if i may say so myself, between this post and your other post about the cute/pretty thing, i get the impression you think your shit smells like spring daisies and cinnamon. i humbly suggest you lose your sense of entitlement. perhaps you won't have so many "bad dates" then. i became a much more likable person after i lost my sense of entitlement many years ago.
@design3rskyline@xanga - @starcrossedloversdivine@xanga - you guys have restored in me an iota of faith in humanity. thanks.
geez, there's enough trouble trying to find the right person without rejecting them for no reason...
i understand the agenda behind it... but let's just say from all your posts i feel real sorry for the guy you're going to marry. he's either going to be a push over or really whipped.
I guess there's always the hope that the guy will pay...it's been drummed into us. But in all honesty, my dates have all been--at my suggestion--free or cheap. Coffee, or a free concert, or something along those lines. (Of course, my last first date was about six years ago with my now-husband, and I was in college at the time, so that changes things a little.) Still, I don't think it's fair for guys to have to foot the bill all the time. I'd personally rather go on an inexpensive/free date than make the guy pay for everything. It's easier on both of us. Seriously--a walk in a park, a trip to a festival or fair (I don't even have to ride any rides), coffee or ice cream, these are all viable options to me. I don't make a lot of money, and I figure, if it's not something I can pay for, I won't make him do it, either.
I have to say, though, I'm thankful not to have to worry about that stuff anymore. I never found dating to be all that exciting. It was just kind of a hassle. Too many tests and games.
-Katie
@ShirleyD@xanga - Me too.
What's so hard about being straight forward? Â
The "fake" reach just makes you sound so extremely FAKE & you sound like a gold digger. Why not make it ever or make it clear? Â Forget the games. Geez, some girls always ceases to amaze me in how they think they should be treated like princesses when you really aren't, get a reality check.I've never done a "fake reach" because I'm not fake. I'm honest. If I don't intend to pay for it I ain't gonna put on a silly act and pretend that I will. And if a guy "tested" me, I'd consider him to be a jerk. So, if I didn't pass his test, I'd be happy. It's just stupid mind games.
I believe who asks the other person out should pay for the date. I do believe in chivalry so I'm not going to date a guy I have to ask out. Of course, if I really wanted to date a guy I'd say, "Damn, I like you. We should date." I haven't said that in a long time though. (Not, one of my jokes where I joke we should date. lol That's another story.)
I have babies and men pay for dates. That's my rude belief. Luckily, some men are still men.