Tuesday, 10 May 2011
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I Could Never Date Someone My Family Hates
Family is important, and we care what they think, even if we wish we didn't. Growing up, even through the rebellious phases, we still usually want nothing more than to make our parents proud, and for the decisions we make to have their approval and support.I wasted years convinced I was in love with a guy who did not feel the same about me. Eventually, with time, I came to my senses and moved on. But even before that point, I remember knowing that it really didn't matter if he did a complete 180 and we ended up dating, it would never work because above and beyond anything else, things were tainted by the fact that my parents hated him.
They hated him for the simple fact that they were seeing exactly what I was trying to avoid - that he didn't feel the way for me that I felt for him, and was just taking advantage of the situation. They were right, and I knew it. And it became very clear to me that I could never end up with someone who my family doesn't approve of.
One of my favorite things about my current boyfriend, is the relationship we each have with each others families. I have met and spent a lot of time with his parents, sister, aunts and cousins, and they have truly become a second family to me.
Likewise, he has met my parents numerous times, and they absolutely love him. He feels the same way about them, and I never have to worry about any time we spend together being uncomfortable or if they'll "get along". In fact, I believe that the positive relationship my boyfriend has with my family has strengthened not only my relationship with my boyfriend, but also my relationship with my parents.
Both my relationship with my boyfriend's family, and his relationship with mine has played a huge role for me in securing the feeling that he is someone I can see myself being with for a long time. Seeing him fit in with my family and seeing myself fitting in with his instantly takes our relationship to a level where I think we have begun (consciously or unconsciously) to envision the possibility of a future together. I'm not sure how this would change if we didn't have this relationship with each others families, but I'm sure at some level it would.
I'm lucky enough to be very close with my parents, as well as my sister, and I know that if she or my parents don't approve of someone I'm with it would only be because they had serious concerns about the person's character, or their feelings for me.
How someone treats my family is important to me, as is their relationship with their family and how they treat their parents. If my family expressed genuine doubt about someone, whether I agreed or not, it would plant a seed in my mind about something not being right and for me, that could potentially make or break a relationship.
Of course, I know that not everyone has great relationships with their parents, so "parental approval" may not be high on everyone's list. But I'm curious about how this and other "family conflicts" affect a relationship in the long run?
A close friend of mine (we'll call her Kristine) has been dating a great guy (John) for years. They are in love and very serious about being together. The thing is, John's family is very religious, and the fact that my Kristine isn't has put a huge strain on their relationship when dealing with his family. Due in part to this, Kristine's parents are also wary of the relationship. Kristine and John love each other, yet they each are very close with their families, and the stress that their parents feelings have added to their relationship is astronomical. They each insist that they want to be together, but I can't imagine a lifetime of feeling like you have to constantly fight to justify your relationship around your family.
Is the stress of dealing with crazy in-laws or parents or family members who don't approve of you something that is make or break for other people?
Our culture seems to perpetrate the idea that you'll never get along with "the in-laws", through movies like "Meet the Parents", "Mother of the Bride" etc. Watching these, we get the idea that its normal to have the stress of each others families as a constant in your lives, but is it? Should it be?
Have you ever dated someone who your family hated? What if their family hated you? How important has family been in your relationships?
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- From: micah
- Name: micah
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Comments (29)
There were times when my dad didn't particularly take to them as well (he didn't hate them). The reason being at the time was because she was white. My family are Chinese and my dad was a conservative Chinese man. He told me with these words, "Whoever you date now is fine. But when you marry later on, you should marry a Chinese girl. We have to keep the Chinese blood line pure." But, that was back in high school about 10 years ago. Now, I don't think he minds who I date (although I am a bit skeptical that he might still flip if I started dating a black girl).
I do honestly care about how my family feels towards my girlfriend because I keep in mind how they will get along when they do meet up. My mom treated my first serious girlfriend like the daughter she never had; bought her gifts and always invited her over for dinner. With my recent, my mom questioned how my relationship was going since my now-ex girlfriend always seem to be mad at me about something. But, whatever the case, my parents always supported my relationship decisions. And I couldn't ask for anything more from them.
I agree very much with you. Family definitely plays a huge role in my relationship with my boyfriend. What they think can make or break a relationship. I'm so thankful for you that everything's going so smoothly!
I'm Asian and my boyfriend's Caucasian.. because of that my parents said they would never accept him. We're very serious about being together and we're not willing to break up just because of that. A couple of my friends are also experiencing the same thing.. and it's just really hard to deal with. I'm really praying that God will soften the hearts of my parents, so that one day they will see how great of a man my boyfriend is.
I would never let my family interfere with my relationships. If they don't like my boyfriend, well that sucks but they will have to deal with it!
I'm very close with my family and it's definitely something that matters in my dating life. I have one of those big families where everybody is always in everybody else's business and not only do I look for a girlfriend accepted by my family, but she has to be accepting of them.
Granted, I've dated plenty of girls who wouldn't kick it with the clan. There are some girls you bring home to Mama and there are some you don't.
not even talking about relationships, but I used to have a best friend and we hung out together and did everything together. My mom met her and told me not to be friends with her, that she's not the type of girl to hang out with. I didn't listen to her and went on being friends with her.
We got into a fight a couple months later and didn't talk for a year after that.
Not only once, but this happened twice with another girl too.
Safe to say, I take my mom's opinions seriously now. Luckily she doesn't mind the person that I'm dating now :)
It depends. If one or two people didnt like who you dated, that's normal. No one will ever 100% always like who you date but if EVERYONE comes together for different reasons & says something, that's a red flag. People arent one dimensional beings. We have different sides we show to different people. When you're in a relationship, sometimes you're blind to somethings in a person (by choice or not).
I was SO in love with my first boyfriend & I didnt know any better on alot being he was the first boy I ever dated. So many people would come up to me & ask why I put up with his shit & behavior. Finally I got sick of it & broke up with him. His ego couldnt handle it so he would ignore me when we were with mutual friends & then he told people he broke up with me because I'm controlling.
That's an extreme example but really you dont want to be alienated from your family so in these situations, I would privately ask what they didnt like about my SO & see what can be done. Often times it's due to misunderstandings than can be fixed. If not, you can see if your relationship is worth more than your family. Some people say you should "stick with your blood" but that doesnt mean they're always right too.
My parents never liked anyone I went out with, guy or girl. Then again although I can't say I hate my parents but there are just some things we have gone through in the past that make it almsot impossible for us to be very close. My parents don't understand me or my views very well so I wouldn't expect them to be crazy about anyone that truly understood me. They would much rather me be with someone who had a bit more money, probably white, not too weird and has lots of ambition. Whether your spouse can take care of you or not and be the traditional husband is more important in their eyes then someone who knows me very well, helps me through the emotional blocks I've had and is weird enough to not be weirded out by me.
We connect with deeper things and my parents would not understand that because even since I was a child I knew damn well they didn't have that. My boyfriend and my dad especially hate each other but I can see how they clash horribly. My mom just wants me to be happy but she can't see how I would be happy in a relationship that she wouldn't be in. Thankfully we don't argue as much about it because they have learned that I am a lot more intelligent then they give me credit for and just because I am in a relationship that doesn't make much sense to them it doesn't mean it is wrong. It used to bother me a little bit that I knew they'd never get along but I realized that I had to think about it logically and that the harsh truth is that just because you have people you love your your life doesn't mean they are going to get along with everyone else. I chose to be with someone I truly love despite all the things we have gone through in 6 years. It's something I would never give up because although it can be crazy at times, it is genuine and it works with the person I am. If my parents or even my extended family can't deal with that then they need to walk the other way.
When I informed my family that I was going to propose, my grandmother tried to tell me I wasn't allowed to propose because my fiancée is an atheist, (I am too, but she doesn't know that because she'd have a heart attack). I had to clarify to my family that I wasn't asking their permission, that I decide who I am marrying, and if they won't accept it, then they do not have to be a part of my life or our future children's lives. I've never had to correct my family on this issue again.
My thing is the relationship is between the two people, not the whole family. It's good if they like them but they don't have to. I was never liked by my ex's and my bf's family now. I'm one of those people that is either hated or liked. But I'm not a bad person either nor do we let their interferences get in our way. Parents need to learn how to let go and let their children live their own lives and children need to learn that they can have happiness with or without parental consent especially when they are adults.
I think that is why my ex and I had trouble. He wasn't strong enough and was bullied by his family to stop dating me. My bf on the other hand, won't let me go and he doesn't let his family push him away from his feelings when it comes to me. I make him happy and we make each other happy. We are a good mix and a good couple.
Of course I've had cousins that gave up family to be with dick loser guys. They alienated the rest of the family for their stupid boy toys.
And I have to agree with @lilblucherrygrl@xanga - as well. Not everyone is going to get along and my bf is slowly starting to realize that. And the thing is family should respect your decisions and who you date and in turn that person should show respect. In the end, you and that other person are in a relationship together, not the whole family. They may be there to visit and all but you have to spend the rest of your life with someone and it's ridiculous to try and justify your relationship to every family member. If you're with someone that your family doesn't like, then you have a reason for it. And that there is a reason why you love this person.
I keep my parents or even family's opinions/advice at arms length when it comes to the guys I date. I think it comes down to respect and tolerance. It's like having friends and those friends are friends with someone you really don't care for but you still have to act nice and polite and even respectful if you're in a social gathering with those people you don't like. You have to think adult like. And if the parents or family can't be respectful, then they will just have to deal with it. Or risk being cut out entirely out of your life and any future children's lives. People should be responsible for their own happiness regardless of a third party telling them otherwise or acting childish about it.
But the thing is..it's how strong the relationship is and the feelings and if you find the relationship worth fighting for.
My bf and I find it worth fighting for every day.
My boyfriend's family likes me, although I've only met him once and we've been dating for 2 1/2 years. They realize that I make him happy and it's very apparent that he's happier now than he was before we were together. On the other hand, my parents dislike him a lot. I wouldn't go as far as to say hate, but dislike a lot. They dislike him because of a break up we dealt with back in 2008. We got back together in 2009, which is when I start counting how long we've been together and although he has completely changed, my parents don't like him. My sister has noticed how much he's changed and she gave him another chance and she likes him. I always said I'd never date anyone my parents didn't like, until it happened. Then, I realized that my happiness mattered a lot more to me and that I wanted to be selfish and do something for myself. I'd be miserable without my boyfriend. If my parents had a valid reason for not liking him, I'd give it more thought, but since their only argument is a break up we had when we were 18 and 19, I don't really give it a second thought. I love my parents and I hang out with them all the time, but there's no way we're going to agree on everything and I'm growing to accept that.
I wouldn't date someone who treated me in a way that my family didn't approve of, but that's where I draw the line. My parents will never 100% approve of someone unless they are South Asian and Muslim, but I have no qualms about dating someone of a different cultural/religious background.
I dated someone whose family loathed my existence... I am not doing that again.
family is important, but what it comes down to is that you're (eventually) going to be making your OWN family with your partner, so your opinion is the only one that truly matters.
it's weird that i'm reading this right after my dad finished telling me that he doesn't think my boyfriend treats me right. the rest of my family loves him, and the bfs family loves me, and while i appreciate my dad's opinion, i'm also aware that the man can be a bit melodramatic at times.
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I think that the relationship with the in-laws are definitely important. No spouse should have to deal with constantly being in a hostile environment. My co-worker just divorced her husband because his mother treated her so badly.
It's one thing for in-laws to dislike me on their own merits but they would still have to respect me as the spouse. Now, if they were mean and my SO would not stand up for me, then that's a problem.
My mom detested my girlfriend when we first started going out in high school. She forbade me to see her, and we had a huge fight cuz I was like psh yeah fk u ma. She ended up coming around, now loves her, and we;ve been together for 2 years.
Awesome comments, its great to see the variety of responses and how people deal with the situation!
@Hinase@xanga - I totally agree with you about the fact that not everyone will get along, and the idea that respect is most important. It sounds like you're with someone now who really gets you and that you two are a perfect match. However, I don’t necessarily agree that your last boyfriend “wasn’t strong enough”. Different people have different relationships with their families, and different ideas of what is important, which is really what affects this scenario. For instance, if your family is closed minded and generally intolerant, you’re probably more likely to dismiss their concerns (because in that case you’re exactly right, its YOU that is dating the person, not them). However, when you are really close to your family and share the same values, or if extended family is very important to you, the idea of dating someone who will break apart or strain that relationship or future relationship with family/extended family can be a make or break it factor for dating, and not just a matter of love or willpower.
While there are certainly many people (such as yourself!) who would be willing to fight for a relationship through thick and thin, I think what I’m really trying to get at in this post (which people are showing brilliantly through their responses) is that these things ARE important to people, in different ways. Its easy to say that if its right, people would fight for love through any situation… but the reality of humans is that there will always be limits as to what people will deal with, that go above and beyond the black and white of loving someone or not.
@tomorrow_may_rain@xanga - "I dated someone whose family loathed my existence... I am not doing that again." I think you bring up a really good side of the post that I didn't address: the idea that its not only the person who's family dislikes someone that needs to decide if they will continue in the relationship, but the person who is disliked. Even if one person says "i don't care what my family says, we can make it work", there is no guarentee that would be acceptable to the other person, who has the constant strain of knowing they are somehow causing this problem.
you arent dating his family and he isnt dating yours. fair enough if u want to know what they think they should never influence ur decision on who to date.
my family dont like my bf much bt family i mean parents but their opinion is biased cos he isnt a muslim like we are. that doesnt mean im going to throw away 6 years incase they might be right and hes no good when i can feel in my heart that i know he is perfect for me.
as long as you know yourself and are true to your heart and listen to your head, you should be fine making your own decisions and you wont have to rely on the approval of your parents to get you by..
Well my parents are smart, good people and I trust their judgment so if they don't like someone I date or am friends with, it's for good reason. I should have listened to them more in high school...
@micah - He wasn't in the fact that he didn't know what he wanted. He didn't know if he wanted to be with me or not. Thus with he let the opinions of others (mostly family) tell him that he shouldn't be with me. I'm close to some family members, but not all and even if they didn't like who I was dating, they'd still respect that. It may be slightly importantly but it's not the end of the world, if they don't get along or someone doesn't like someone else. As long as there is respect and tolerance then it's fine. Maybe there might be limits, but I haven't hit them yet and I've been with my guy for awhile really and I've dealt with some crazy shit.
I don't know. Even if I was super close to my entire family, and it strained us...I wouldn't let it be a factor in my decisions to break up a relationship. Others may. I don't. I think the power resides in the people dating. Sure, the strain is horrible and I've been in those situations...but I think it's worth it in the end and I don't let anyone influence me and how I date.
I totally relate. I just broke up with someone my family hated, and am getting back together with the only guy they ever really liked.
I feel like the biggest weight of the world is continuing to be lifted from my shoulders.
@Hinase@xanga - Its really awesome that you haven't hit those limits yet, and maybe you never will! I'm certainly not suggesting anything about you or how you might feel, but simply trying to shed light onto the limits or larger issues that do affect other people. Regarding your ex, it sounds like he simply didn't feel as strongly for you as you felt for him. Again, not really a matter of not being strong enough to get past his family, but more along the lines of not feeling strongly enough to want to get past it. If he wasn't sure of his love for you or was questioning things as you mention he was, then naturally "fighting" for the relationship would not be something worth doing when times got tough.
In the end, I think its great that you have encountered these situations, because it means that the one who stays and fights for the relationship (like the one you're currently with) is really in it for the right reasons and not just beacause its easy :)
@micah - He didn't feel strongly as he should of and that's why I dumped him. He wasn't strong because he's those passive type of people(I'm slightly passive at times. I can't really agree too much on it because I've done things opposite to what I strongly believe.Certain people know how to twist my arm. I didn't stand up for people when I know I should of. I think it happens with everyone but more so with me (I've noticed)).
..though I did come up to the realization that I didn't love him anymore, so it was easier to let go. Of course, that is why I gave up the relationship with him. Once he started doing that shit with me, I cut him loose. I didn't have time to deal with that. I couldn't be with guys that let others walked on him and who didn't know what they wanted.I guess I got tired of his shit. Maybe others may but I'm not trying to include others. This is what I've felt and experienced with love and dating and family approval. It doesn't necessary have to equal to anyone's experience. It may be something unique to me but it's great I found someone that feels strongly and does not back down for our relationship despite my crummy relationship with his family.
Great post! Family is definitely a huge factor for me. I wouldn't say I'm super close to all the members of my family, but I trust the judgement of my parents. Yet, I wouldn't say disproval is an immediate deal breaker. At first, my dad was a little iffy about my boyfriend because, although he's Chinese, he doesn't speak the language. One of my brothers didn't like him too much either (said brother doesn't approve of people easily in any situation though, so this didn't weigh too heavily on my mind). However, there were no complaints otherwise and my family was willing to give it time. I think the lack of language ability probably still bugs my dad a bit, but my boyfriend has made up for it with his other attributes. Certainly, if his family didn't like me, I would be inclined to end the relationship. I knew from the get-go that his family is extremely important to him and I wouldn't want to cause a strain in that. Thankfully, that's not something we have to worry about.
I'm the kinda of girl that either families like or hate. My parents will never approve of anyone and i've heard this from family members saying that my parents act that way because they are very protective. I love my boyfriend and he's asked me to marry him (without a ring). I love my current boyfriend but his family is something else. My boyfriends mom has 4 boys and it seems no one will ever be good enough for her sons. To be honest i don't care if his parents hate me, it's there loss. I keep telling my boyfriend it wont work because of his family and i don't want to associate with people who have done wrong to me and haven't taken the time to get to know me. I don't hate them because they are not worth my time. I just worry because i do see myself marrying him and i worry my wedding won't be drama free :(. My boyfriend says not to care because it's not about my parents or his it's about us, our lives, and wanting to spend out lives together forever. I love him enough to marry into his not so perfect family.
I definitely could and I guess that's because I don't enter intimate relationships with people to appease others- even family.