It probably seems strange to you to see the word "addictions" right alongside love. But as strange a concept as this might be to you, addictions aren't just to drugs, but also to people, to beliefs, to standards, to expectations, etc. I've had the fortune to take a very eye-opening psychology class in school, and so I'd like to share my knowledge on love with you guys. (I'm going to try to simplify it.)
We all have addictions. By the point in our lives where we start dating people, our minds have a ton of mental and emotional wiring and programming. There are certain things that will bug us like nothing else will, things that will automatically trigger anger, things that will trigger sadness, etc. With those come our expectations, beliefs and standards - and we're addicted to them. These addictions can prove to be really unhealthy.
When we enter the dating world, we go in with all of this baggage. We get upset over little things. Though everything seems perfect and happy at first, there comes a point where things don't look so great anymore. Before, you thought that this person was absolutely perfect. But as time goes on you begin to realize that maybe they're not as perfect as they thought you were. They do so many things that bother you; these things bother you because they violate your addictions. Ex. If you're addicted to the belief/expectation that your boyfriend will call you every night, call you pet names and say 'I love you' first and he doesn't, you're going to get pretty damn upset, right?
At the point at which you realize this person doesn't meet your addictive needs, it's up to you to decide what's more important to you: is it the person whom you probably think you love, or is it your expectations and beliefs? Don't get me wrong, addictions aren't bad. There's no way to get rid of all of them. But one should be conscious of them, because in the end they are in our control. Maybe there's an addiction you know you have but you choose to keep it because it's important for you. But there may be some silly little ones in there that if you learn to let go, you can be much happier.
When you really love a person, you accept them as they are and truly love them for it. But often times the case is that you think you love them, but it's only because they're able to fulfill all of your little addictive needs. Then when they temporarily don't do that, you get angry at them. And when that happens enough, you say that the relationship makes you unhappy and you break up. Think about which of the two has been the case for you in your relationships.
When you thought you really loved someone, did you really just love how they made you feel? Have you ever truly loved a person?
Do you have any silly little addictions you think you can let go of? Any important ones you'd prefer to keep?
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Comments (13)
Well it goes with your mental state and maturity at the time. For example in high school I believed that I fell in love once or twice but I clearly know now that that just wasn't true. My mind was clouded by and still riding that dopamine high that comes with those first few months of being with someone. Interestingly enough such feelings have a similar, if not exactly the same, effect that Cocaine does on the mind. So to finally answer the first question, no I haven't. I can't say that I've loved someone for who they are.
I think I'd need a few examples of these little addictions I should hold onto though. If you mean things like my addiction to Facebook, no I don't really need or want that one, xD.
Going off on a big tangent I don't believe that actual "Love" can blossom until after the first six months, or even the first year, of a relationship. Even then I'm still not so sure. Prior to that point in time your still riding that dopamine high and your mind is clouded. Plus your still discovering and learning about the other person so you really can't have a full picture of who they are and if you truly love them. Okay, way off point.
Well I think another question that could go along with the above is "Do you really love THEM? Or do you really love your IMAGE of them," or better yet what you want or think them to be in comparison to who they actually are. Anyways, off topic.
i think that love is horseshit. men are addicted to sex but eventually they move on. its a load of malarchy and hooey
Sometimes you love a person because you love how they used to be. When you first meet people they always act differently in order to please you, if they like you. But the true person comes out sooner or later.
i have many addictions i know i need to work out...this is a great post that has a great question to think about
but when i saw the title i thought it was going to be about being addicted to a person rather than being in love
i think thats something to think about too...
@thesexydevilgirl@xanga - i'm totally on board with this, though you failed to mention that girls are the same way.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - ehh i guess but not me. i think im the stupid naive idiot who has her head up her ass looking for her prince charming
@thesexydevilgirl@xanga - hahaha yeah i think a lot of people feel the same way as you. i have my own theories as to why love is bs--basically, as you said, because everyone's really just looking to get laid anyway--and think that many could save themselves from a lot of unnecessary stress if they were willing to admit it.
i've taken a lot of crap from people for saying it, but i'm not the one who cries over a break-up.
ITT: Cynics.
I've never truly loved someone outside of my family. I believe it's possible. My parents just celebrated their 30th anniversary at Deal's Gap for 2 weeks and I've never seen them happier.
I think all it takes is people allowing themselves to grow as individuals and to really experience a life that's driven by a craving to better themselves, for themselves to create something tangible and unconditional.
I think this is a really good post. There have been times where my boyfriend or I disagreed and argued over things and our relationship changing, but it's easy to deal when you're faced with the proposition of ending the relationship.
@thesexydevilgirl@xanga - I disagree!
@Guteman91 - example of an addiction you may want to keep: addiction to the belief that your significant other should be faithful to you. some people don't mind if their bf/gf dates and sleeps around with other people. of course my addiction to my belief will cause me to be upset if the person doesn't live up to it, but I'd definitely choose to keep the addiction and throw the guy out the door because that's something which I consider very important in a relationship :)
and your last two paragraphs weren't actually too off-topic. I liked what you said! you're right - sometimes you just love the image you have of someone and not them, which is why when they don't fit your image you get upset and angry at them. when they don't fit it enough, you break up with them. same goes for parent-child relationships as well as others.
We all are addicted to things we don't have, myself included.
I like that you say not all addictions are bad. This is very true.
There have been times I thought I was in love when really I was in love with the idea of that person. I can honeslty say I have only been in love once and that was with someone I have been with for almost three years. I know he doesn't meet all of my absurd expectations; but I love him and that is what matters.
It sounds like what you're talking about when you refer to "little addictions," is subconscious modes of thinking based on previous experience that leads you, reasonably to a current expectation for the given situation.
Addiction, by definition (DSM IV, the equivalent of the psych bible) is characterized by an inability to regulate or control behavior, massive tolerance, increased use, and experience of withdrawal. Applying this in a slightly more abstract fashion, I think you were trying to say something else when you said addiction.That is not to say that the idea of love overall is like an addiction, because studies show over and over that in the brain (chemicals being fired, observed behavior patterns, etc), but that all builds to one big addiction, not the other way around.