Saturday, 07 May 2011
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The Problem with Dating Older Men
For reasons that I don't understand completely, I am most attracted to men in their 40s. (I am 25 this year.) Starting my late teens, I've had several crushes on men between the ages of 43 and 50. It's not only their maturity, confidence, knowledge and life experience that I find attractive, but I think men are the hottest when they're in their 40s. Yes, a few gray hairs, a slightly protruding belly are no problem for me. In fact, that's what makes them more attractive.
Although men of any age can have problems, there are several drawbacks to only being attracted to, and having relationships with, older men. These are generalizations, based on my experiences, so I acknowledge that there will always be exceptions.
1) Age is not just a number. Life experience matters more. When I was in college, I was in a relationship with someone 25 years older than I. We were in completely different worlds, and aside from a few things we had in common, it was hard to relate.
Sure, he has money, established a career and bought a house, but so much of his life history was a mystery to me because it was not shared together. My guess is that age differences matter less after the younger person is in their late twenties, started their career, and has more life experience.
2) By age 40, most of the desirable men are already married, and the remaining ones are divorced or have never been married, and there are reasons as to why. That's the impression that I got when I went dancing with my boyfriend, and also from someone in her forties who was dating after her divorce. There are exceptions, of course, but they are rare.
The guy I dated was divorced (for five years after an eighteen year marriage), and early on in the relationship I asked him if the divorce shattered his concept of permanence, which it did. He didn't want to get hurt again by investing emotionally in a woman, so all his relationships were shallow and sexual. Either that, or he was already a player all along.
Now, I wouldn't want a married man to leave his wife for me, because who knows if he'll leave me someday for an even younger woman? I also don't believe a responsible 40-year-old man with a family is willing to throw away the life he's built, just for a younger woman.
3) Typically, men who only go for younger women tend to be controlling and insecure, along with other things that aren't quite right. Having a young lady (or even several) with him, is his way of assuring himself that he's still virile. Sure, older men all think women in their 20s are hot, but a mature man would also realize that he has an advantage over her, and the relationship will be awfully unbalanced, simply because he is older and knows more. An unscrupulous man, on the other hand, will use his experience to his own advantage. He purposely picks a younger woman, especially one who doesn't have much dating experience, because she won't know that he is treating her worse than another man would. However, it won't take long for her to realize that she's not happy with him, and cut things off, unless she is insecure.
4) There is no guarantee, but it's more likely that he'll die before I will. What if we have a child together? I don't think it's fair for the kid to lose his or her father at an early age. Also, the risk of having a child with autism goes up significantly when the father's age is above 40 (source).
As much as I would like to be in a long-term relationship with an older man, I don't think it's workable for me. Despite all these disadvantages, I'm sure some people have managed to make the relationship work out.Have you ever been in a romantic relationship with someone much older or younger than yourself? How did it work out?
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Comments (43)
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Life is a glass cup, whether you fill it or empty it is how you decide. the reason i say this is that age IS just a number, so what if you don't share the same experience together? people have different events happen to them all the time and at different times. to say that everyone is on the same timeline is opinionated.
don't let age change who you are with. if you are happy with someone, then the rest is details, people who mind dont matter and people who matter dont mind.
Yes, age is DEFINITELY NOT just a number.
I usually dated guys around my age (0-2 years older). Once I dated a guy 1 year younger, and that didn't work out so great, surprisingly.
I am currently in a relationship with a guy who is 6 months younger than me, but that's not really too much of a difference.
http://chrixotic.blogspot.com/
I'll tell you one.
1. He can't get it up.
2. He smells like old-people.3. He's not social (but he's rich.)
4. (Because he's rich,) he uses his money to make you happy instead of something awesome like... uh... SEX.
5. He has his ways and isn't willing to change them (like not going to the doctor or changing his hairstyle or fixing rotten teeth.)
These are from what I experienced.
I have never dated a man significantly older than me, so I don't really have much personal experience.
But yes all the factors you listed I think would be very important to me if I were dating someone older.
Why don't you just go for someone idk like 10 years older than you or less? I feel like 40's and single is just sad to me.. even if they've chosen to be that way. It's just weird.
I think you have a point with #3. I've only had two boyfriends and both were 10+ years older than me. I married one and divorced him. But I agree that men in their 40s are more attractive to me. I think men don't start looking good until they are 35.
I don't think age is an issue at all. I think personalities and how you treat each other is most important. Good luck!
Wow, I think I'd be worried if I was actually dating men my dad's age. I always lean towards older guys, but by a few months anywhere up to like 6-7 years. At the 10 year mark, even in my head it seems a bit off.
The picture of Henry Rollins! NOMS. I'm in love with him. LOL that's the only reason I'm looking at this I guess, he's my hero... :D I'm the same, the ones way older can be more attractive to me than men closer to my age.
I think a lot of people, men and women, just don't want to commit earlier in life right away, so they wind up going through their 30s-40s single and then realise they want to settle down. People say that men at that age still being single is "sad" but there are a lot of women who wait til then too, to settle down. If they find a younger partner and if the relationship is good and if the older man, to go with a point of this post, isn't controlling and ridiculous, then whatever. Age matters in some cases but not always. There are always examples from both ends of the spectrum, so people would do better to not generalise on this. It's really case by case...
@BloodIsLove@xanga - I think I have a man-crush on Henry Rollins, which is why I decided to use that picture for this post.
I've never been attracted to men who are a lot older than me
my cut-off age is 25.
@DarkWaver@xanga - Or how about, letting people decide on their own for themselves on this issue. For some people, the differences are an issue, for some it's not. It seems fine either way to me. To each his/her own I say.
the 3 younger men that I've liked but didn't date yet, all wanted to control me sexually
the older guys that I've liked also wanted to control me sexually
I thought it was hot though
the older men, were usually more independent and financially stable, while the younger ones often weren't. I'm not after their money or anything, but I found it more attractive that these older men were more accomplished, although I don't blame the younger men since they are at a different stage in their lives and are still in the process of accomplishing big things, but if they seem motivated, then that makes him more appealing. I wouldn't date grandpa aged men simply because I fear that he'll leave me too soon or that our future kids will not have their dad at their graduation although I know people can die of health reasons or other freak accidents at a younger or any age, but men in their 30-40's are who I'm usually drawn to, are more aesthetically appealing than much older, just saying that physical looks still matter to an extent, but it still depends because older people aren't neccesarily more mature even though they might have more experience, but if they don't really learn and grow from their experiences into a more mature person, then they can be a 40yr old and act like a kid or vice versa of a 20 something year old, who is mature beyond their years. the guy that I'm currently interested in is slightly younger than me by a few years but he is past college age, and everything about him seems more better in every way-personality(his humor is so funny and flirty that I smile and blush at the same time lol, heavy weight boxer body, sexually amazing, same morals, and his mind is so creative and somewhat wicked like me
than my older ex, who was like 10 years older than this new guy, and younger men usually didn't appeal to me. anyway...what I was saying is that...sometimes I can't help, who I fall in love with, if he meets my standards, so I'm not going to dismiss a guy based on age until I get to know him personally.
edit: I was so sprung while talking about my new guy that I actually said "more better" when I meant a lot better than the other older guy or more awesome
Although I do agree with this, but men typically take the advantage of a younger women to show her interest...He usually doesn't want to discuss himself mean while he wants you to talk and when you ask em about his life and other stuff he doesn't wanna really talk about it plus they are sexually intimate with their younger partners more than anything. You mention it...well then he changes it up a little and tries to make you feel like that's not all he cares about and he just wants you to trust him although every time you're together you find yourself having some kind of sexual intercourse with him. He can't keep his hands off of you, why? Because he's been through enough "relationships" that he really wants a rebound and we "youngsters" are the lucky ones. Then we become too attached and he tries to satisfy us but then it gets where he doesn't want do all the work it requires to it anymore, then he moves on.
@DarkWaver@xanga - It matters because it can affect the couple negativity and the relationship as well.
I think that if two people like each other and want it to work, age can be just a number. Yes, there might be some different life experiences between the two ages, but I think that's true for everyone. You'll also find controlling and insecure men (and women) in all age groups.
One of my closest friends is 24, married to a 63 year old. They were dating two years prior to getting married and they're about to celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary. They are one of the sweetest couples I know. They're one of the couples that make it work.
I've never dated a guy who was more than 8 years older than me, so I cant speak from that angle, but I've dated a guy who was 5 years younger than me. That might not seem like much, but, when we started dating, he was 18 (and still in high school) and I was 23 (and obviously not in high school). I didn't date him to prove that I could get a hot young high schooler and it certainly wasn't because I was looking for a guy with little dating experience (he actually had more dating experience than me). We dated because our personalities clicked well and we liked each other. That relationship ended because he was more emotionally mature than me and wanted more commitment than I did (go figure).
I think my point is, if two people really want it to work, age is just a number.
#3 applied to most of the relationships i've been in with older men
@Hinase@xanga - only if you let it. no relationship is 100%, you take the good with the bad.
@Kittyluve@xanga - basically, yes, to each their own, which is why i say people should do as they see fit.
@DarkWaver@xanga - Sometimes it can be avoided. Sometimes not. I think it depends on the relationship itself.
@Hinase@xanga - I don't believe that for a second. I do not see one thing that could be a barrier for a relationship that age would be the restriction.
@DarkWaver@xanga - I do. I've seen it happen with good friends of mine. I think age after a certain number does make a big difference especially in the goals of the couples and what they want out of the relationship. Certain things are achieved at certain ages(most of the time) and if you date someone more than 5 years older than yourself, you start to see big difference in not only maturity(that's why I date guys 5 years older than me because guys my age are hardly mature and don't know what they want and some don't want to have a long term relationship. I do. That's why I date older guys. I know I can get all I want from them. But I know not to go above that 5 years because I'm only 21, and I'm still young and I still haven't experienced what a lot people already have. Some don't want to experience those things again) but goals and expectations for the future. If you don't believe in it, it's okay. I just do because I've seen it occur with a lot of people. And it feels like a bit of common sense to me. It's like being on different paths at different stages of life. Certain goals, certain experiences that are achieved. And sometimes people don't line up at all. If I dated a 30 year old, he might want children and settle down but being as young as I do, the relationship wouldn't work. I don't want that now, at 21.
You can't stay in relationships when you can't relate or when you don't have the same goals especially when there is a significant gap of age. Maturity, wisdom and life experiences do matter. Though I'm not saying (don't imply I'm not.) that some couples don't work with extreme ages because some do. I just personally haven't seen it work and I know how people are, so I don't try to give them that much credit. Anyhow, that's just my personal opinion and nothing more. You believe what you want and it's fine ;) No one is wrong. That's the beauty of life, no experience is wrong. It's just experience.
@Hinase@xanga - See now you're mincing words now, you say that age differences don't work, but at the same time you state that they do. you can see it through other people for sure, but you cannot truly appreciate the idea unless you walk the path yourself. i see you have a strong conviction to believe that it can not be done with age, but like yourself i have seen the opposite. i could say that by witnessing others success (or failures by what i have read) and so it is possible, but because people wish to settle down and or whatever ideals they speak of, i have seen people with younger status of the same scenario.
long story short, your answer do make sense i do see where you are coming from, but again, the ideas and opinions, the experience and feelings? these are not age based things, these are nothing more than life events, people can see alot of things in 20 years, and people can remain a hermit for 40. no one person is the same, therfore no one age (gap) is the same. thats just giving definition to something you see.
so i guess we will have to agree to disagree.