Friday, 06 May 2011
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Why Can't I Rely On Others?
Some of friends call me crazy when I tell them I picked up the tab on my last date and others say they admire my independence. But sometimes I don’t feel proud about it, I feel like it’s another factor playing into the fact that I can’t allow myself to rely.
Rely – depend on with full trust or complete confidence.
I can't seem to accept any of the words in that definition. They make me cringe. Without putting much thought into what I was saying, I told a friend of mine once: I would rather not rely on people.
I said it one weekend when a few of us were headed to West Palm Beach for a concert. To get to West Palm, you have to drive about 40 minutes north of Miami and my friend asked me if I wanted to follow the group for the drive. I almost took it offensively that she didn’t think I could get there on my own.
That’s when I admitted that I didn’t like relying on others while I searched for the directions on my GPS. It bothers me to have to wait on someone else and worse, if I have to depend on someone to get me somewhere.
Are you easily trusting of people? Do you have a problem relying on others?
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Comments (14)
i don't easily trust others anymore. i watch who i trust
I think its good to do things for myself, but it has been something to set me back. I don't think I will ever get math on my own, therefore I'd have to pay for someone to help me and rely on their teaching skills. *sighs*
I'm the same way--I think I am too independent. For a long time I wondered why I couldn't get close to anyone, why my girlfriends seemed to treat me differently than I wanted to be treated or than I treated them--I thought maybe I was dating the wrong people. But I think that while in some cases that may have been true, for some of them, my own inability to rely on others completely kept me from getting that intimacy I craved.
This is actually a pretty recent revelation for me--working on letting myself trust people now. We'll see how that goes.
Do you not like to be in others' debt? Do you think they are going to let you down so you'd rather just do it yourself? Are you unable to get as close to people as you wish you could? Just curious.
I kind of went through this same thing after my divorce. I was a man on my own, and I refused to rely on anyone whatsoever for anything. I even found myself doing exactly like you did in your example and responding to someone who was probably just trying to be nice and helpful by getting offended.
In time I learned that that definition can be applied to individual situations and does not necessarily have to apply to an individual or individuals. In fact, most of the times when I rely on someone, it's in very controlled situations for very brief periods of time.
Even when you choose to rely on an individual completely, it doesn't mean you shouldn't have a backup plan. I have a close friend who relied on her husband for nearly everything for decades. They were happy to live this way, and to my knowledge he never let her down. Sadly, one day he died. She allowed her reliance to turn to dependence because she didn't have a backup plan.
Maybe next time try not getting offended, agree to "rely" on the other person, but use your GPS as a backup.
I have a huge problem with it. I don't even like asking for help if I can avoid it. I don't trust many people at all and when it comes to friendships and my relationship it can become a problem. To the point where the people I love beg me to trust them. It's something I'm trying to get through and it's very tough so good luck.
something similar happened where my stubborn grandma asked her daughter to drive her to the doctor's office and she said that she knew how to get there, but I questioned her memory lol so I told her if she wanted me to find the exact directions from an online map, and she declined and said to not worry because she knows how to get there
then they got lost and went to the wrong building, because the building looked like what she remembered. they finally found the place, but when she got home, she blamed me for giving her the wrong address
when I only offered help, but she declined, so I never gave her the specific directions
she was wrong and blamed me. old people seem innocent but they are so conniving sometimes:D
my mother is stubborn just like her mother or my grandma. she hates it when anyone offers her help because she feels underestimated. then she proudly flaunts about how she fixed her own car, moved heavy equipment, put together the giant entertainment system, and she hates it when people say that she can't do something, so she is offended when others offer help, but it was because she is jaded and some people have had ulterior motives in exchange for their help. my mother has been independent most of her life, so I'm not surprised by her girl power attitude
I have the exact same problem. I try my best to be independent...some would say to a fault. I know it's because of trust issues with my parents. In some ways, I'm glad that I'm like this because I think relying too much on others can result in being hurt. However, sometimes it affects my relationship so I'm trying to trust others a little more ;)
I think I've been disappointed by so many people in my life, even those closest to me, that I've come to expect them to not be reliable. I guess that's the reason why I don't let too many people get close to me.
I do have an issue relying on others, but it does sound as innate as yours. Yes, I get offended when people say anything that might imply I can't do something on my own.
Of course, my biggest issue with reliance is that I find that other people are just unreliable. I've never found a single person that is 100% reliable. I will stop everything I'm doing to help someone do the simplest, most unnecesary thing, but I've never found another individual who will do the same thing to me. Thats my problem.
iamjustlikeyou.
I trust people pretty well. But as for someone paying for me, sometimes I get a but uneasy. I also don't borrow money from anyone (even if I don't have any money to spend for 2 weeks or so). I always have this inner guilt that I will always have to own them back, even if they say I don't have to and mean. However, when it comes to paying for someone or spotting someone for money, I don't hesitate to do it. And even when I spot someone, I always let them know that they don't have to pay me back (and mean it). And when they try to give me money back, I just stare at it and give it back to them.
I'm fine with physically relying on others, but emotionally I'm an island. With the physical thing though...I'm always ready and able to take care of myself. If I don't feel like I can then it's too scary.
I agree with you. I hate feeling like I "owe" someone something, I hate feeling like I am in "debt" to someone. Even guys paying for me on a date (after I've offered to pay my share) make me a little uncomfortable. Even now, when my own boyfriend who I've been dating for a year buys me a drink I feel a little guilty!
However, I've learned to move past it in most situations, and have learned to be accepting of help or generous (innocent) offers from those close to me. The way I learned to do this is because I LOVE to help others, to treat others, and to give help or advice when its needed or to pass along a reference or an opportunity to those who could use it. I know how good it feels to do that for someone else... so as long as I believe it's genuine, I try to accept that same kind of help/offer from others :)
@wildchildofthebluemoon@xanga - Wild Child...I relate 110% and for the most part I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT!!
I have learned to feel like this without trying. Guess life and people have taught me to NOT TRUST.
Its PURE TORMENT most of the time. 
It may sound contradictory but I hope I have at least taught my children that if nothing else THEY CAN TRUST.
I so wish I had learned that.
God Bless.