Friday, 06 May 2011

• It's Finally Here: French Kissing Over the Internet

  
  The technological advances coming out of Japan these days are ripped straight from a distant future... a distant, awkward and perverted future. Japanese scientist Nobuhiro Takahashi has invented a device that will allow couples in long-distance relationships to electronically simulate the French kiss, with an apparatus that resembles a public bathroom soap dispenser. If that isn't hot enough for you, wait until you learn how it's used.

  If you've ever osculated with a particularly attractive straw attached to a plastic lid before, you'll feel right at home - just as long as no one sees you doing it. The way that this device works is by transmitting the exact movements of the tongue against the "straw" to the other person. Both participants need to slobber all over this crazy love contraption (and contraceptive, even) at the same time, and the motorized soap dispenser then relays the exact movement of the straw through a computer program. Here's a video of the kissing in action, just in case you need a better visualization: Trust me, he's a total kissing expert.

  It's a widely held belief that the term "French kiss" originated from the stereotype that the French were extremely promiscuous and morally casual. A phrase such as "pardon my French" lends more credibility to said belief. So if this new form of electronic tongue-lashing becomes popular or even common, should we begin to label it the "Japanese kiss" based on the stereotype that the Japanese are unconventional, perverted and practically live in Massively Multiplayer RPG's on their computer?

  Hopefully we've moved past the mistake of associating a stereotype with a form of kissing. If not, we should just give every type of kiss a name, which would effectively make swapping food while kissing the "American kiss," noisy kisses with lots of clicking the "African kiss" and tongue-cutting, teeth clashing kisses the "British kiss."

  Perhaps one of the most intriguing aspects of this device is that you can record a kiss and keep it saved, which means you can keep experiencing the kiss for as long as it's saved on your hard drive. This brings up the idea of celebrities recording their kisses, and sharing it with the public, perhaps at a price? If that's the case, how much money would you pay to remotely make out with James Franco's simulated straw maneuver? Justin Bieber, perhaps? Donald Trump? Hey, it's the closest you'll ever come to kissing a billionaire.

  While the technology is still fairly new, Nobuhiro Takahashi states that there may be improvements in the future. "The elements of a kiss include the sense of taste, the manner of breathing and the moistness of the tongue. If we can re-create all of those, I think it will be a really powerful device." I'll just patiently wait for Hayden Panettiere to jump on this e-xciting bandwagon. Or, you know, if you're Hayden Panettierre and you're reading Datingish for some God-forsaken reason, you know where to contact me.

  Oh, how exciting the future will be! We just need to avoid nuclear war, world-wide alien invasions, 2012 and a Sarah Palin presidency now.

  Would you ever use this Internet kissing machine, given the chance? Would it matter who you used it with, stranger or significant other? And how interested are you in faux-kissing celebrities with receding hairlines?

  Talk to me.

  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in Hayden Panettiere.

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