Thursday, 05 May 2011
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Deadly Sins of Dating #3 - Talking About Your Ex
It's time to pick on the women. They are the worst when it comes to this.I really get irritated with a woman I am dating when she feels the need to mention her last eboyfriend or any other eboyfriend as a means of generating conversation. This may be fine after developing a solid relationship, but to do it on the first and maybe even second and third dates is just inconsiderate.
Women give the wrong idea to men most of the time when they say things like, "I used to go to this one place with my ex," or "My ex used to take me here and there," or even "My ex has a hot bod." The message I'm receiving from any woman who mentions her ex is "Well I really don't care about you all that much and I'm not really that interested in you. I'm just using you for emotional support and to dump all kinds of garbage from my past onto you. I'm really still in love with my ex, so it's very possible that I'm just going to ditch you and hook back up with him when the time is right."
Even if she just trash talks her ex, she's still talking about her ex and thus can't let go of the past and move forward. In fact, it can be a whole different problem when a woman talks about her ex in a negative way. Not only does the date become a therapy session, but what's running through my mind is "Wow, if she's willing to tell some guy she just met all this crap about her ex, I can't imagine what she tells friends and family members. I could be the next guy she spreads crap about if I somehow make a mistake."
There are many things you can talk about on a date, but your ex should not be one of them. The reason why you're dating someone new is to move forward and not dwell on the past.
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- From: Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga
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Comments (37)
I'm so guilty of that.... >.<
M
Funny that you pin that on girls, the last guy I was dating always talked about his ex girlfriend, both of his ex girlfriends in fact. It made me feel awful like he was mentally comparing me to them, so that's one of the reasons I ended it. Pretty sick of hearing about that girl that you're "so over"
right on. the only time this is appropriate is if you two are specifically having a conversation about each of your past relationships and what went wrong. and even in that case.... the shorter and less involved the story is, the better.
I agree, although I have never done this personally. Don't hate on the women, plenty of guys do this to their dates too.
I do my very best not to bring an ex up... but they usually (always) ask me because I don't talk about... I find it the most annoying when they keep bringing up their exes though... all I hear is "my ex... " "psycho- b*tch"... "my ex..." "crazy" ... okay... once i hear "my ex" I close my ears but internalize... So after a while of hearing everything about their ex... hey, I hit them with a spoon full of my ex sugar... and then I love how they try and change the subject... well since you brought it up, I think it's only fair that you know about mine, so we're on the same page... I hate knowing, and I'm not going to be like your ex... but if you're so caught up in still still why are we here... just go back to her and leave me be...
I should be single and miserable according to most posts I read on Datingish.
I talk about my one ex all the time with the husfriend. He doesn't care. Usually because I'm telling him how much of a turd he was, probably still is, and how much of an improvement he is. Or maybe he just doesn't give a fuck.
Most guys I know do this too, so it's not just women. I used to be guilty of doing this far too often until I realized it just made me look bad, whether I was talking about an ex in a positive or negative light. It's awkward when all someone does is blather on about how their ex did this or that, and even worse when they want to get into the dynamics of what your exes did.
If someone asks me about my dating history, I usually just leave it at "I've dated some interesting characters" now and try to move the conversation into a different area.
I find it incredibly rude to bring up exes.. especially if you are comparing them to your current significant other.. My ex used to do that all the time.
I feel I need to make a slight exception to this post: Although it probably makes new dates uncomfortable if you bring up exes out of the blue, and it is especially bad if you are talking about favorable memories, I feel that it is important to discuss previous relationships with some level of detail if dating someone for more than just a first date, testing the waters. That way each one knows where the other is coming from. Probably only bring up exes in this very limited circumstance, until much later on.
@anteprepro@xanga - I pointed this out in the post already.
haha i went on a date with one girl and the only stories she had were about her ex. second date? noooo thank you. still blew 80 bucks that night...grr.
Let us just say that I learnt my lesson to date a guy that talked about his ex all the time. >.>
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - Ah, I see it now, but the reason is that I slightly disagree that you need to bring it up only when wanting to build a "solid relationship": I feel that it is a viable topic for a conversation for a first or second date. A risky one, like religion, politics, criminal history, or type of underwear, but still one that could be approached early on if both decided to talk about it.
I HATE talking about my exes with my fiance. It's so awkward. I've forced out the 'past sexual activity' conversation though, since I know it's important, but yeah... I don't fit this 'stereotype' I guess?
I tend to ask more questions about his past, but that's far and few between as is, ha
I also hate talking about exes. It's kind of crappy, I don't even want to MENTION them, but sometimes there will be a really funny or relevant story that I really want to tell. I don't want to piss off my boyfriend, though. :(
I can't fully agree. Sometimes, a person talks about his or her ex as a coping mechanism. I have a friend who talks about her ex in a really negative light but that's because she's still hurting after all the damage. It's getting less and less, but it's going to happen either way.
It really depends on the context of the ex talk. On one hand, everything about the second paragraph is essentially correct, though it would mean that you would be the bonehead in question for dating a chick who is essentially having angry time with the ex; but some people just talk about it because it may have been a sore spot or that they feel comfortable talking about it with you.
I agree. I think on the first few dates, it's not okay - you're trying to get to know your (potential) new boyfriend/girlfriend, and talking about your ex is not the best way to get someone to want to date you! However, I talk to my boyfriend about our ex's fairly regularly (we've been together four months) and we're even going out tonight to celebrate her birthday, along with a bunch of other friends :)
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I like talking about exes with my boyfriend. When we first started hanging out, we would talk about our exes and all of the annoying things that they did. It's a good way to inform someone you're seeing what people have done in the past that you hated. I guess the difference is that we first started hanging out with the intention of being friends, but then it moved on past that. I like that style of relationship-building better anyway.
For example, none of his ex girlfriends would have sex with him, even one who he dated for 11months in high school. That's fucked up. He would tell me about their bad habits and style of dress, too, which bothered him. Basically, because he was in a hardcore band and went to an all-boys high school, the only girls he could meet were scene girls and I was the first semi-normal chick that showed interest in him. One of his exes, his mom actually bribed him with a car to break up with her, she was that bad.
For me, it was always something to do with smoking and drinking, or a guy inviting me over and then just playing videogames with his friends. That is not relationship hangout time, in my opinion, that's you hanging out with your friends and me happening to be there.
Agreeeed
Finally, a deadly sin of dating you posted that's actually accurate.
i used to do that. i wounder what the other sins are...
Amen bruddah.
You're going to get soooo many women who will comment & say, "Men do it, too!!" & yea, they do, but this was written from a male point of view so if that's all you can focus on, come on.. Can't you find a more intelligent argument?
I think when you begin dating someone it's natural to talk about your exes, why the relationships didn't work, and what you want from a different relationship.