Thursday, 05 May 2011
-
How Much Is Too Much Independence?
Is there such a thing as being overly-independent?
I feel like I might be straddling the line between independent and dismissive. All day at work I feel like I’m always saying ‘I have it under control.’ I do have everything under control but why can’t I accept some help?
It wouldn’t hurt!I don't want to admit I can't complete any task. I suppose in the work place, self-motivation is a good quality to have but what about in relationships?
I’ve noticed that I have a strange little habit of putting myself up for anything and everything. I prefer to drive myself to the restaurant (sometimes even going as far as picking up my date), I prefer paying for the meal, and I prefer going out by myself even.
There’s something calming about knowing I have a method of escape if anything goes wrong. There's a comfort in knowing my car is parked outside. And get a certain rush of power when I pay for a meal and I also enjoy being by myself sometimes for events or maybe for a walk.
How independent are you? How independent aren’t you?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: LourdesLink@xanga
- Name: LourdesLink
- Location:
- About Me: This Miami-native, music-junkie and self-assumed food critic has something to say but has a bit of stage fright so via blog, welcome to me! @ludaahhh
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 30 Views: 0 105454 Comments: 0 885 View all posts by LourdesLink@xanga
Comments (48)
NO. There is no such thing as being overly independent. I promise.
If you'e independent, your life is in your hands. EG, It doesn't mean you can't be with somebody, it only means you don't have to!
I'm the same way. Whenever my boyfriend tries to wait on me, make dinner for me, etc. I always feel weird and uncomfortable about it. I like to maintain my own sense of power in the relationship. I've been out of work for a while now while I was finishing up my college degree, and I've hated not having that financial safety net. Now that I'm graduating, I can't wait to work again and be on the same financial footing as my boyfriend again (hopefully). It's hard for me to relinquish control of my independence to anyone.
I really prefer to drive myself to my dates or outings too. It’s reassuring to know that my car is just right there and if something happens, like the date starts going badly, or I get into a fight with someone, I can always leave. Driving my car to my dates is like my exit strategy.
Also, if I’m going out with friends, I always make sure to drive myself. I don’t want to strand them at whatever club or bar if I meet a guy that I want to leave with and vice versa.i don't like people doing things for me.
i think you can be overly dependent if you NEED help but won't accept it.
i CAN live without help.
i choose not too.
why make things hard? i mean knowing that i can do it on my own, is enough for me. lol
Times change. As time passes, hopefully more women will forego the "traditional" passive feminine ways. The whole **societal gendered script** of men being heroes and women being damsels in distress; men being the hunters and women being the gatherers; and men being solution-oriented and women being emotional -- must change.
It still boggles my mind that -- due to outdated societal rules and influences -- women STILL even question themselves on being independent with examples such as making the first move in a relationship or whether it is insulting when they make more money than men.
How long did it take for the concept of gender equality to take hold? It's similar to how long it took society to find out that slavery was wrong [slavery was acceptable for many centuries].
Tradition is truly a stubborn-holdover. Society must evolve.
I always like girls who are dependent on me; I like being the provider. But I always fall in love with the independent woman. Those self-sufficient types who can take care of themselves, are strong in their career and their own personalities.
That being said, it's hard being the other half with someone who never let's go of control. There's independent and then there's "I don't need you." Maybe I'm a bit too old fashioned, but I find it hard to be with someone who won't let me plan, pay, or drive.
I think if the man is a man then he can take care of himself. He does have two hands. Meaning he is fully capable of caring for all aspects of himself.
Same goes for women.
This is true for people in general. Even toddlers can take care of some aspects of themselves already.
Why not grown ups too?
I am a really independent chica. I never hardly ever ask for anyone's help when it comes to things, but I don't have a problem with asking for help. I like to pay every now and again for a date, but I don't do it All the time, and even though I am independent and like to care for others and provide I don't feel I need to be in control of every and anything.
haha i thought i was the only one who liked to drive myself to dates. at least the first dates, just in case though i have never had to leave suddenly.
There's no such thing as overly independent. It's all about compatibility.
There can be too independence as well as too much dependence. It's all possible.
@tonisweettart@xanga - I quite agree with you.
I think there is a degree of self-reliance that is very positive--being able to take care of yourself in any situation. Then I think there is a degree of independence that is damaging to relationships because it creates a wall between yourself and others. Using the date example (in my case, usually an outing with friends), I don't have a car, but I can get home myself regardless of the situation; I can take a bus, get a taxi, even walk. However, if I'm offered a ride I won't refuse. It's good to be able to take care of yourself. It's also good to let someone else take care of you on occasion (especially if they offer, but sometimes it's even ok to ask, e.g. "can you pick up __ at the grocery store for me?" "can I borrow your notes?")
A teacher once told me that we as people move from dependence (childhood) to declaring our independence (teenage & young adulthood) to recognizing our need for interdependence (adulthood). At the moment I'm between the independence/interdependence stages...which sounds just about right.
Independence is different from companionship. You don't go to dinner with someone knowing you can pay for it. You go to dinner with them so you can share a good time filled with conversation, humor and inspiration.
I'm independent when it comes to being able to accomplish tasks by myself, I have no problems with that. I can do my own thing and be happy. But when I go on a date, if the guy is willing to pay, I let him pay! If the guy is going to pick me up, I'll let him do that. It's all about balance.
If you have balance, then there is never too much independence.. unless you decide that being independent consists of you only communicating once a month.
it feels good when the power pendulum swings our way, because we can :) dont worry, u just need to find someone who accepts you, independent and all :)
<3 independent girls. i don't think enough are like you.
I'm sort of similar and realized that being too independent makes insecure guys more insecure because this guy that I had a thing for a while ago said to me..."so you don't even need me!" he said it more than once, maybe 2-3 times when he felt that I was neglecting him and then I realized that I don't really need him after all
I broke up with him soon after that revelation that he jumpstarted with his insecurities. I can't date insecure guys. I prefer the more confident guys that are borderline arrogant. most of the guys that I've liked are like the opposite role reversal where he is the insecure one and I'm the overbearing control freak
but it gets boring when I have too much control and he plays along like my slave, which is fun in the beginning, but not really...I like to be challenged sometimes. maybe I prefer sociopaths, who are both the nice guy and ahole
or I'm fine without him, too
relationships just add spice to life. independence allows "me" time for soul searching and other discoveries
although you can discover them together, not mandatory though.
It depends on your culture. There's nothing wrong with it, but is it a social norm where you live? For example, there is a stereotype of US people that they take pride in being independent, which in my experience, I'd have to agree with. However, if you go to other countries, people are more willing to help others and get help in return, and it won't damage their pride etc. Sometimes its often encouraged. Both ways of life have their pros and cons.
Never a thing as too much.
This could've been written by me! My boyfriend was actually just complaining...lol. But he was complaining more about my emotional independence. I don't share. Never have, never will. My feelings are just that...MY feelings. I work around them. He knows what he needs to. We've both given and taken a little with the physical independence thing, and we've reached a nice little common ground there though. =P
Glad to know I'm not the only one feeling this way! I'm the oldest of 3 girls raised by a single mom most of our lives, and she taught us to be very independent women. Sometimes it irks my SO that I'm so independent, that I dislike the way he drives my car or that I prefer to do things myself like carrying groceries inside, but he's gotten used to it and I've learned to let him do some little things that make him feel more important and like he can "take care of me" or whatever. Independence is a great thing, more women should be independent I think, but it shouldn't go so far as to become a point of contention in a serious relationship I think.
in life there are four stages:
complete dependance, where you're fresh out your mother's womb and can't do a think for yourself;
incomplete dependance/incomplete independance, where you can do some things for yourself and rely on your parents and support system for others, which is childhood through most of the teenage years.
independance - you're a big boy or girl now! you can take care of yourself.
but this isn't the end of the story, at all....
once you're solidly independant, there comes a final stage:
INTERdependance - you know you can take care of yourself, you know what you bring to the table... but you also know what you lack. so you give what you have to give, and take what is given to you, and in this process EVERYONE is the stronger for it.
i think maybe you need to learn to see that while you are strong, you could be stronger if you just accepted help when help is appropriate, etc.
Relationships, whether at work or romantically, need to have give-and-take. If your level of independence means you always do everything, eventually you're likely to burn out and other people may get frustrated that they can't give their share because you won't let them. I definitely think having a hardworking attitude and willingness to do things for yourself is good, but if you never let others help, you're doing them and yourself a disservice. Good questions in this post.
@galliver@xanga - Your teacher made a good point there. I think mature adults reach a place of knowing they can do things for themselves but also realizing that they need to be in a give-and-take community with others.