So here’s what I’m talking about--Guy wants to break up with girl, guy doesn’t have the cojones to tell the girl that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore but either:
A. Sticks around and half-asses his way through the relationship
B. Just stops calling and coming around out of nowhere hoping that the girl just eventually gets the hint. I’m here to say that I wish guys would grow a pair and just come to us and say up front “Hey I want out” instead of waiting for us to do it.
I was on a road trip with my friend Alana over the weekend and she was telling me about her break-up with her ex. What he did was basically drag out the relationship and alienated her to the point where she finally had to ask him “Do you want to call it quits?” and he was like “Yes." When she asked why he didn’t say anything sooner he then replied, “I was waiting for you to say something.” She had told him in the beginning that if he ever wanted out of the relationship to just be upfront and that’s what he had agreed to, but from this story it's clear he couldn’t hold up his end of the bargain.
During their six month courtship he had called her every day, and all of that had stopped basically a couple of weeks before they broke up. He would call every couple of days and she couldn’t understand why he would still call and hang out with her if he didn’t want to stay with her in the first place. So he basically tried to keep a bit more of a distance by not calling as much or hardly hanging out in hopes that she would get irritated with him and break things off.
What a jerk if you ask me. He told her in the end that he didn’t want to be the one to break up with her, because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Really guy? And you thought ignoring her and treating her like crap was not hurting her feelings?
I myself was in a similar situation, but it wasn't with a guy I was dating for a couple of months, rather with my ex boyfriend whom I was with for over 2 years. At one time we had even lived together (which is another story in itself). Anyway, we're hanging out at his house which he shared with a group of guys and that night I made dinner for the both of us.
As I was cooking I realized my boyfriend had barely touched me in weeks (yes I mean in a sexual manner). So when we went to bed I tried to get intimate with him and he was not having it. He was like “Let’s just sleep, I’m exhausted.” Exhausted my ass. I tried to kiss him goodnight and he barely kissed me back.... I laid there next to him for a couple of minutes, and then I said “Is there something wrong?”, and even in the darkness I could tell he had this look on his face.
I asked him if he wanted to breakup--and he didn’t have to say anything, because I could see the answer in his eyes. I was so pissed, because we were making Valentines Day plans less than an hour before the breakup conversation. He was waiting for me to break up with him and so-called “didn’t want to hurt my feelings.” If he didn’t want to be with me he should have spoken up and said something instead of dragging it out. He told me he didn’t want to be the one to break my heart.
I just want to tell all the guys out there that us women are strong enough to get our feelings hurt or our hearts broken. Our lives will go on without you and we will be just fine. You may think you are softening the blow or whatever, but what you really are doing are just being a bunch of wussies!
Ladies have you ever had something like this happen to you?
Recommend
Comments (57)
Is there something wrong with calling that person out on his douchiness and being the first to say if you're going to act like an immature dick I want out? If you're tired of this type of guy, I would recommend not taking this particular behaviour from any male in the future. And ta-da, you've eliminated the problem without the hassle of trying to change other people.
I was in an LDR for 6 years and found out he had been cheating on me the last year. When I dumped him, he actually said, “Thank god. I’ve been wanting you to dump me for like, 2 years.” My reaction was “...Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” I know we weren’t able to see each other regularly, but I thought he’d be straight forward enough to tell me if he wanted to end things. Instead, I had to find out in some roundabout way... Such a pussy. And I told him that to his face.
@Grtt@xanga - No its not at all to call guys out on this behavior (which I've done in the pastO but the thing here that I'm trying to get at is that most men don't wont to be the one to break up the relationship "Doing the dirty work" so called, and that's what is irritating. In the past when I didn't want to be with someone I totally let him know super fast--but I find it interesting that a lot of guys would rather drag things on then really be upfront when it comes to not wanting to be together. And its not that I'm taking this sort of behavior because girls are not dumb and they know when guys don't want to be there anymore, and we just sit back and wonder WTF is wrong with them that they cant say "Im out"
@shinoseishi@xanga - Yes a pussy! thats the word I was going to use lol.
@Grtt@xanga - What an amazing comment.
A lot of girls do it too.
@annamariuhh@xanga - Definitely true!
@tonisweettart@xanga - That was my point. If at any point, some guy you're dating starts acting like this ...call him out on it when you notice it. Don't wait around then get mad that he didn't say anything, because you didn't say anything either. The only person whose actions you can control is yourself. I was just suggesting you be more proactive about stopping this before it even has a chance to manifest.
@Asinine_Dreams@xanga -
@Grtt@xanga - Gotcha
@Grtt@xanga - I guess at my age I expect more out of people; especially someone I'm in a relationship with
if I deeply care and love the guy, the breakup will hurt me badly no matter the method of breakup
although I've usually experienced the gradually fading away type of resentful breakup than heated argument or direct breakup. the guys that I've known were more avoidant than me and I was the direct one. I'd want to talk but they often gave me excuses that they were busy, because I think they don't want to hear the breakup words either and want things to work out, but we just aren't compatible or it wasn't the right timing or something else. each situation is different.
@tonisweettart@xanga - And you should! Definitely. All the more reason to nip this little problem in the bud, and move on to a guy you don't have to keep worrying about things like this. There are plenty out there.
hm
I agree with dude who says you should call them out on it when they start acting weird. A lot of times that's an unwritten, universal mutual sign that it's time to have that talk.
We as men are trying to look out for women, as cold and callous as we tend to be about it. We're afraid of the devastation that might be caused by telling you it's over. Not because we're scared, necessarily, but because we don't want to hurt you.
I'm currently stuck in a relationship because despite my many attempts to show her how it's not working out she has the nerve to pull the "I'll kill myself if you leave me" card.
We feel better knowing that YOU want it ended and that we're not gonna' send you into a downward spiral of razorblades and Haagen-Daz.
@Grtt@xanga
Here Here!
I used to have a couple of guy friends that used to do that. They would date all these girls and when they realize they lost interest, they would stop putting in the effort just so the girls can call it quits. I asked numerous times why the hell they would do that, and they would always reply, "Because I don't want to hurt her feelings by breaking it off. It's better if they break it off"
It's just sad because a lot of the girls they were dating were super naive so they would be too timid to say anything first. They always had this hope that things would get better later :/
I would rather have the guy tell me upfront so I wouldn't waste all my time thinking what's wrong, if it's me, if it's him, should I call, why isn't he texting back, is this relationship going anywhere etc etc. It's like what I always tell my girl friends, I rather have it done quickly so it's less painful than having it dragged out and always be hurting.
@asinine_enigma@xanga - First off I'd like to say your GF is definitely not playing with a full deck, and I'm sorry that you are dealing with that. MOST women at the end of the day can handle a break-up. there are things in our lives that will be much worse and way more painful so don't worry about that. that's basically the point of my post. We can handle it, and guys make it worse in the end when they go the "I don't want to hurt your feelings" route. (Spread the word!)
WOW. I'm totally in this situation. I'm in an LDR. When I see him in person at the end of the month, I'm breaking it off. He treated to get me to break up with him last month on the last day I visited him. I feel like i'm doing an eye for an eye by making him wait, but hey, he did it to me. I will grow the pair that he couldn't do because he "didn't want to hurt me". Nice post.
My boyfriend actually did this to me. And it was awful. We didn't talk for two months and not because I didn't try getting in contact with him. I finally got him on texts and I told him the relationship didn't seem to be working out and I wanted to work on it, but he said he had too much going on and I expected too much. We were in a LDR. So, we broke up and we didn't talk for a few months. We ended up getting back together though in January '09 and have been together ever since. He lived near me for a year and has lived in a different state for a year and a few months and he's gone right now. It was kind of a shitty thing to do and people always tell me I was stupid for giving him another chance, but he's obviously changed and we're both older now and we know we're not just messing around about being together. Anyways, I hope if it's ever to happen again that he has the balls to break up with me instead of texting me every few days at 3 in the morning to talk for ten minutes. But it's been about two and a half years and he did like a total turn around in attitude. We were 18 and 19 when we broke up and I think age has a lot to do with this type of lack of balls in breaking up. Every experience is different though. I've had these type of things happen in high school and they're guys I would never give the time of day again.
Agreed! Guys need to grow a pair. I'd respect them a lot more if they were man enough to break up properly, rather than leave girls hanging with their favorite trick in the book: DISAPPEARING. You're right, it assumes girls are too fragile to hear the truth. Yes, our lives WILL go on without you.
@shinoseishi@xanga - I feel like that's where I'm at in my relationship.
Amen, I like this post. I've learned that it doesn't do anybody any good to prolong the divorce. You are not doing the girl any favor by dragging her through a prolonged experience of feeling ignored and unwanted. She deserves happiness too, and don't have such a high regard of yourself, she'll likely find someone else soon.
Another problem of prolonging the inevitable, is sometimes when our hearts are no longer in a relationship we seek others to fill that void and end up cheating. Not only are we ignoring someone we probably do still care for, if not love, we're now also betraying them, which is an even worse feeling.
There is a reason why guys do this, whether it was because of a past relationship or current.
From my experience, it works out better for some to try and make the girl break up with the guy. Here are some examples.Girl pulls out the "I think i'm pregnant" excuse.Girl stops eating, talking to friends/family, depression.In some extreme cases the Girl threatens to kill herself.The girls family intervenes and asks the guy to get back together with the girl.
So don't just assume the guy does not "have a pair"Every relationship is different, some girls are not as strong as you, and not every guy drags the relationship out.
How noble. NOT! How about people stop being such pussies and actually grow a back bone for once. I would want to know DIRECTLY that my husband wanted out, not find out through him cheating or just plopping divorce papers randomly in my face one day or whatever. This is another means of the coward's way out: they want to break up, but they don't want to do the dirty work because they're afraid they might hurt your feelings or they just don't want to. Communication is key regardless of whether or not you two are friends, dating, or married. I'm sorry, but I'm not a mind reader, and I am not going to sit around trying to comprehend ever possible motive you may or may not have going on. If you've got something to say or you've got something on your mind, spit it out for both our sakes.
I realize that every situation is different, but this is why you don't stay because he/she may commit suicide or whatever. And of course, if the person's going to pull the suicide bull shit, there's always the option of calling the police on their asses. There's no excuse for people trying to trap someone else in a relationship they do not want. And leave the family out of it. It is none of their business whether or not you two stay together. If anything they should be telling their brat of a child to grow up and suck it up.
I could not agree more!