Saturday, 30 April 2011

• When Your Boyfriend is Your Best Friend

  Of all the boyfriends and semi-boyfriends I've had, I was with Sam for the longest.

  Sam and I met my first year in university, in line for a club that you had to ride an elevator to get to. He'd been standing behind me and I'd stepped on his foot, and then the bouncer informed us that no one else would be allowed up. Apparently two first years from my school (one of whom I knew) had drunkenly incited everyone in the elevator to jump at the same time, thereby breaking the elevator. Disaster was averted when Sam invited me to have a drink with his friends at a bar down the street. (We later learned that the girl I knew in the elevator peed herself waiting for help to come.)

  Over the next year and a half, Sam and I became best friends. He was smart and kind and loyal, and I found his passion for politics and history very sexy. He was two years my senior at the other English-speaking university in Montreal. Because he already had a tight group of friends, and because I was new in town, his friends became my friends - and my friend-making agenda (outside of my relationship) took the backseat while I reveled in new-found infatuation.

  Then Sam and I broke up, and I realized that I was essentially friendless halfway through my university career. This is a bit of an exaggeration - I was friendly with many people and there was no shortage of drinking buddies on Fridays (or Tuesdays, for that matter). But real friends? Sam had been my best friend, and now he was off-limits. And so were all his cute older friends.

  It was a tough thing to realize. I felt so alone that I agreed to give Sam a second chance, even though I knew it was a mistake. We stayed together for six months longer than it made me happy - all because I hadn't thought to invest in other relationships while we were together, and now I had no one else.

  For a while there I considered transferring to a school closer to home. I even applied. But, in keeping with its legacy of infinite bureaucracy, my university failed to honor my request that they submit the only document they had to submit (confirming that I was, in fact, a student there) before the deadline. I took it as a sign, and stuck it out, and eventually grew some metaphorical cojones and told Sam that it was really over. For real. 

  The second half of school for me was a very different story. I developed meaningful friendships with incredible people, who were (and continue to be) there for me through all the rest. I learned that one girl on my floor (now a bestie) used to stop by my room during our first year in an effort to become better friends, which I would have known if I had ever been home.

  Anyhow, I learned an important lesson from my two years with Sam: a romantic relationship can consume you if you don't take care to nourish other relationships in your life - especially when you're new in town. Being best friends with your boyfriend is wonderful; as long as he's not the only one.

  Have you ever had a similar experience? How do you find balance between your SO and your friends? How can you tell when you are in danger of letting a relationship consume you - BEFORE you break up?

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