Friday, 29 April 2011
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My Boyfriend is Depressed
My boyfriend of a year and half has been going through a rollercoaster of emotions for the past few months. It started in January and it's starting to affect our relationship.He often gets gloomy about other factors going on in his life, such as work and the feeling lingers on for days. His life has been complicated, to say the least. He's been through a lot of negativity in the past and I can safely say he's been through more dark times than anyone I know. Naturally, these unresolved issues surface every now and then and I try to support him as much as I can. I'll take him out, cheer him up and he'll get over it but it is always somewhere in the background. On an emotional scale, he and I are on two opposite ends. He is rather pessimistic about life in general and I, on the other hand, am more optimistic about the future and where my life is going.
On several occasions, I have suggested to him that we go our separate ways. Do note that at this point in time, I attributed his depression and mood swings to issues in our relationship (issues which aren't very major). So, naturally, thinking that I was the problem, I offered him a solution. Perhaps he would be happier if I weren't in his life. I soon realized that he didn't want to be apart from me and I was not part of the issue.
I try talking to him about it but he can't pinpoint the actual source of his unhappiness. It's getting difficult as it's taking a toll on our relationship. I'm increasingly beginning to feel like I'm in a one sided relationship and the fact that he's not even trying to mend his problems makes it even more frustrating.
Have you ever have a partner who was depressed? Did you ever feel as helpless as I do?
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- From: sthanecdotes@xanga
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Comments (61)
I had a partner who had depression. He took medication to manage it, but he was still prone to moodiness and some mood swings. I tried to be there for him for years but I finally got tired of it. Sometimes, even if you want to support someone, if they won’t let you support them it’s pointless. They have to try too.
My boyfriend and I both cycle through phases of depression. We both struggled with it a lot growing up, and still is a struggle. Right now it seems to be my turn to go a little crazy. It's hard on both of us, but we're supporting each other the best way we know how: just being there for each other and talking through the depression.
Is your boyfriend seeing anyone? That may help.
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Don't be the person to make him happy though.
Be his closest friend. His teacher. His tutor.
Teach him how to be optimistic. Teach him how to love life.
Because it truly is a beautiful world. Some of us guys just need
a strong push from a girls touch. He'll notice the small things being
the greatest things in life. It just will take time
A actually deal with depression my self. Have since I was a teen. My boyfriend then now husband has helped me a lot... i wasn't the type to try and avoid it though. I knew what what causing it and my goal is to avoid that life.
My husband actually ended up quieting his job recently and was out of work for over 3 months. We are currently staying with family who aren't emotionally supportive and often are very cruel and mean to me. I ignore it but he can't and it's effected his mood to times where he didn't want to wake up. All this while i am pregnant and have a toddler to care for. Well he let it get the best of him a became depressed and all though at times I felt like shaking him and telling him if her cares he need's to stop being so moody and sulking... I know as his wife I need to be there for him even if at time's he miss directed his anger.
That is the difference though... Me and my husband are married and you two are in a long term relationship. It just depends on how committed you are to him.
I'm not going to knock you for doubting because it is a very tough thing to deal with. It can at times make you feel almost as low as he... He need's some one right now and if you want to be that some one be it but do take time for your self if you need it.
I hope the both of you feel better soon regardless of your choices... Maybe offer taking a break so he can work on him self and just be a supportive friend.
By break i don't mean break up i just mean time for your selves on personal levels and go from there... Hard to do but it is just a suggestion...
@confusedsoulmamoru@xanga - great advice, but I'm sure it would work both ways.
I've always been the depressed one in the relationship. My ex's always blamed themselves even though it wasn't them.
He should consider therapy. You could even go with him so the therapist can help instruct you on what to do while he's in his depressed phase.
I've gone through a lot of depression / anxiety issues in my relationships.
Honestly I can tell you that when I was depressed, I was no good for anyone I was with. I had to drag myself out of that before I could be in a real relationship.
I had to take meds for a few months but it was worth feeling way better afterward.
Honestly I think you and your boyfriend need to take a break until he gets his life together. Nobody can save him and you'll just do damage to your relationship in the meantime if you're having to go through it with him.
He should be going to counseling or getting on medication. For lots of people their depression really isn't something they can just convince themselves to feel better about - it's a serious imbalance in their bodies. It can be fixed but he has to make the effort.
I've found it's impossible for a person who is extremely pessimistic/optimistic to be with someone who's their opposite in that respect.
but you have to evaluate whether you love him enough to help him through this or not. It's okay if you don't, you just have to be honest with him and yourself.
Not even sure where to start here... If you start feeling angry at a person who's depressed for some unknown reason, remember this little nugget of wisdom from FM 21-11: "If he could snap out of it, he would."
I struggle with depression, too. I'm 22 and it began when I was about 14-15, peaked around ages 16 and 19, and has been the undercurrent of my life for all these last eight years. In general, most humans are pretty bad at recognizing what causes their thoughts and behavior, especially over longer time spans, but depression can be especially tricky because so many varied things can cause it and it's never the same between two people. For me, I know that my mom's side of the family has a history of depression, and that there were some messages directed toward me over the course of my life about my worth and ability that hurt my self-image, and that certain stresses in my life (such as procrastinating, things not going according to plan, being late) trigger depression for me. I've tried to build a life where I do things early and leave my schedule pretty flexible to avoid these things, but it's been a rough road. The hardest part was definitely pinpointing the things that trigger it, even more so than figuring out the things that have contributed to its development.
I don't generally cite Psychology Today because some of it is crap, but their featured article on depression is pretty good. Also, if you want to hear from someone who often feels helpless like you do, my partner made a video talking about it (starting at 3:46). The best thing you can do is show unconditional positive regard for him and try to support him as he struggles through this. For all I know, it can't be "cured" and doesn't go away. But he can learn how to not trigger it, or trigger it less, and that could make a huge difference. He should speak to a councilor, if he doesn't already. Or read philosophy. Or make a list of the things he loves and incorporate as many of those things into his life as possible. It's definitely not you; but it's hard for us to figure out what it is. It's usually a lot of things.
My ex boyfriend was an alcoholic and didn't have a job for at least 6 months while we started dating, and he had no money and was nearly 30 living with his mom. Yeah, I has to carry a lot in that relationship while trying to get him to be proactive about money, jobs, and quitting alcohol. So although he wasn't really depressed (just annoyed about his situation and unwilling to do enough about it to change), I definitely understand that frustration. After a while it became too much for me and I had to get out. Now I'm in a relationship with someone who is happy, extremely proactive and motivated, and doesn't drag me down. I say, if you have tried to break up with him in the past, you don't seem to be in this relationship for you, but rather to keep him less depressed. If you're not happy, get out because you're not doing yourself any favors, and you're wasting time that you could be spending with someone who really makes you happy and isn't such a mental drain. Your boyfriend will have to figure out his own shit and you can't be responsible for it or be sucked into it. Do what's best for you.
you shouldn't be getting emotional over a person who's clinically depressed. He needs help. Get him help, whether you still want to be there for him at the end of they day is another issue. Get him help first, if you care about him at all.
he should probably seek counseling for his depression. it's not up to you to be his entire support system, and probably all you can really do is listen to him and talk with him so he doesn't feel alone. needless to say, that isn't going to completely resolve the issue.
Actually I'm bipolar. So, I kind of understand how it feels for the bf, at least with that depression part. It's tough for my bf and I but we make it through, because we don't let what I have define our relationship. We try to work through it out and try to make strides in it. Though I think you should always be patient and if the relationship is worth it, try to work it out. Believe me when I say that if he could snap out of it, he would. No one likes being depressed or any such thing. If he works on it and actually tries to keep the relationship and help himself...then yeah, but if he doesn't do anything and lets it progress then..the relationship will die and you guys will part your way.
Hopefully you guys figure it out ;) And either way, goes well for you.
the post image is of Conor Oberst, is it not? o_o
i swear it resembles him. i'm sure that's him! ><it sounds like you're doing your best at trying to help him cheer up, but it's not working.at one point i knew how you felt. i had a suicidal, negative friend who i tried my hardest to cheer up, because i really really grew fond of him and who swore he'd commit suicide one day. i tried my hardest to make him happy, be there for him, and change his mind, but nothing worked permanently. he just brought me down with him, but the biggest difference between your situation and mine is we never dated because he never cared enough for me. i think your relationship is a much better situation, and i hope he'll realize that he cares for both himself and you, enough to want help for his depression.
It's really hard for a pessimist and an optimist to be together. My boyfriend and I have both gone through some very dark times and still struggle with depression now and then so we understand each other and it doesn't become a huge problem because we know how to deal with it. If it's interfering in your life and making it a one-sided relationship it might be best to move on.
I have an ex who's a bit of a manic depressive, and it definitely caused issues in our relationship. He knew it too, but he couldn't seem to face the idea of having to see a doctor or seek counseling about it. I tried really hard to make him happy, but it just wasn't enough. It seemed to make him feel even more guilty because he felt he couldn't be as emotionally available to me as I was to him. He eventually broke it off, and our friendship now is actually better in many ways than our relationship was.
Relationships like this CAN work out, but you have to resist the urge to "save" him, or feel that it's your responsibility to make sure he's always happy. You need to take care of yourself too.
I felt this way with plenty of friends, not much girlfriends. It does make you feel help less, because all you want for them to do is get better and to try and fix their situations. but you don't know if it seems like they are the one who is helpless about life or if they are just holding on to the comfort of being down and out. Either way, asa girlfriend, you just want to inspire good times and it isn't working so well for him. So, I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave, so he can at least have one less problem, even if the problem isn't you.
Did you talk over and over about his history and what may have gotten to that point? Sounds like you are doing what you can to make him see you are his support partner.
My boyfriend gets depressed a lot. I do, too, so I understand and try to help him as much as I can. It's been hard at times over the past 5 years of relationship, but self-awareness and compassion go a long way for both of us. My boyfriend was finally planning on getting therapy, but once he started taking Dale Carnegie leadership courses for his new job, there has been a vast improvement in his mood and outlook on life. He rarely complains anymore, isn't overly negative, rarely gets angry, handles stressful situations with ease and zen, and is more focused on what he wants to do instead of letting life pass him by. He's only been in this class for 3 or 4 weeks, but it has worked miracles. I don't think he even needs therapy anymore. I'd highly recommend these courses. My boyfriend's employer is paying for his; maybe (if they're relevant) your boyfriend's employer can pay for them, too.
@Asianrockgurl@xanga - Yes, that's him. It's a slight shot at his being in the emo genre.
As someone whose best friend has had serious bouts of depression I feel that you might be one of the most important persons in his life, but if it's taking too much of a toll on you you should definitely take care of your health first. My best friend used to have another super close friend before we were friends and apparently that other person couldn't take it and my friend has a lot of respect for her and understands that for that other person it was the right choice.
Did I lose you in my pronouns?
You can't try to be his saviour and do this all on your own, and you can't be angry with him for not being able to change. If you care about him and want to salvage the relationship, you'll help him get help and be patient and loving. You can't blame him and stalk off, upset that he isn't "trying." Some people don't know how to try.
Just trust me when I say you can't do it yourself. You will end up angry with him and angry with yourself. You will burn out. My roommate this past year in college was depressed, anxious, and suicidal. I torturted myself all year trying to include her and love her and I would feel helpless when she didn't make any significant process. I ended up feeling very resentful towards her because she seemed like such a lost cause and I didn't want to care about someone who couldn't be happy. You might be the type of person who doesn't want to talk to someone, but if you are going to go through this with him and he's getting help, you should talk to a counsellor, too. If you are an important part of his life and you are concerned, you may need to talk to someone else about how you feel and your own struggles through this.
Counseling. He may hate the idea, but please at least attempt to persuade him to try it. My fiance also has struggled with depression, and still deals with it occasionally. He has never been in therapy or on anti-depressants however, unlike me, who's had a lot of experience with both, and I know he hates the idea. I don't really mind though, because he's usually able to pull out of it after a couple days, and I just do my best to encourage him and let him know how amazing he is and that all the horrible things he's believing about himself are all lies. If your boyfriend is experiencing this more than just a couple of days at a time, and it goes on consistently for two weeks or more, he may need more help than you alone can give.
Meds and counselling. Try it. He can always quit, and you don't know til you try.