Wednesday, 27 April 2011
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"You're Not Single? Thanks for Telling Me!" Anonymous Letter #2
An angry letter to anonymous exes.
(For copy/paste purposes when you just don't give a fuck)Hey, ______ (jerkoff works fine, too). Thought you'd get away with juggling a couple of relationships at once, huh? You're living proof that not all clowns are skilled at the circus arts. Your performance was feckless and deficient in humor, so you should desperately hope that as it goes up in smoke, the idiom materializes and literally drifts your smoggy ass back to your partner's tattered exhaust pipe.
Don't even think about bewailing your way through a bitter lachrymal sea in my direction, either; I've got a Smokey Robinson demeanor that will put a twist on the title of his hit song, and you damn well better believe that the Tear in Tears of a Clown will take on an alternate meaning. Please cease all contact with me immediately - I don't have the time to stroke your haughty, vainglorious ego. We're done.
You've successfully disrespected two people directly, and yourself indirectly. Nothing positive will stem from this. The short-term "benefits" you enjoyed will turn into a life-long struggle as your conscience slowly devours you, inch by inch. The word of mouth will spread as wide as your ass cheeks can go, so put up or shut up. You're twice as bad as the hemorrhoids you'll be acquiring.
When we first met and I asked if you were seeing anyone. You pulled your sunglasses down and looked directly into my eyes with a sly smile, simply saying "You." I should have read the warning signs. You can't take anyone who wears sunglasses seriously. For all I know, you were doing some voodoo eye ritual that puts people under your spell, because looking back on it, I must have been out of my fucking mind to let this go on for months.
I'm starting to realize that those hour-long grocery runs which produced nothing but cartons of milk and the occasional Kellogg's Frosted Mini-Wheats were lies. I didn't think much of it because I gave you the benefit of the doubt, but you just threw that trust out the window along with my companionship. Your friends might congratulate you for being a player/playerette, but this diatribe I'm unleashing upon you won't be as forgiving.
In the event that you try to deceive yet again, make sure you don't leave your cellphone rolling around, open to a text message that reads:
"UR MY ONLY LUV. C U L8ER 2NIGHT. <333"G3T TH3 FUCK OUTTA H3R3.
By the way, I took the liberty of ordering 58 designer spatulas under your name. Enjoy.
Sincerely,
_________ or Nuñez Love Doctor.Certified with a... Clown College diploma?
Post Scriptum
To clarify, this will be a humorous/sarcastic series of fake letters which describe common problems we run into in relationships. The premise is that I'm angry, jaded and single, so I'm composing these anonymous letters for people to copy/paste to their exes if they encounter the same situation.
Of course, you can modify or delete certain parts if you're seriously thinking of using this. Even better, don't modify it and confuse the hell out of them! I'm a terrible person, I know.
Have you ever had to deal with the aftermath upon discovering you weren't the only one he/she was dating?
Or maybe you're the tactless, cheating bastard!
Discuss.
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About the Author
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- From: AsylumBlue
- About Me: The musician in me is constantly dueling with my inner writer, trying to take its place. What I'm attempting to do is allow them to live harmoniously, but it seems that I'm a terrible peacemaker, because they haven't stopped bickering or flinging spit-balls at one another. I write political satire, short stories, poems and... actually, I can pretty much write about anything; I'm flexible (not physically, unfortunately). If I had to choose, it would be writing softcore romance novels full of seduction, extramarital affairs and incredibly specific details. I'm kidding about that last part, I think.
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True Lifetime
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Comments (16)
I am indeed the cheating bastard. I sleep here, I sleep there, ain't no bed gonna stop me from sleeping anywhere.
On the serious note though monetary revenge as well as any other forms of revenge that is NOT proving to yourself that you're happier and better off without them, is not my taste. Oh, and why write a letter when you can tell it to them in their face. I would like to see how well their fabricated "defense" can be given no time to prep.
Excellent use of the word vainglorious. Props.
"You're twice as bad as the hemorrhoids you'll be acquiring.”
Love that line. Kudos.The first and last time I found out someone was cheating on me, I yelled at them for 15 minutes over speaker phone while sitting in my car outside his parent's house. Then I took pictures of me ripping off the necklace he gave me for Christmas and throwing it over a cliff and sent them to him. Yep.
I do like these anonymous letters, although I'm not sure I'd personally use any of them. Your use of language in them is so good hah.
I'll have to include a dictionary with the letter, because some guys didn't really pay attention in class nor watched the scholarly reading rainbow program to polish their comprehension skills. thus, these witty insults will be futile
he'll probably be such an egomanic idiot that he'll scratch his ballz after pondering the perplexity of such letter while trying to play connect 4 with the clowns, smokey robinson, ass cheeks, and frosted mini wheats references that are unrelated. then he'll conclude that I'm complimenting his sexy sunglasses
He said to me, "I love you."
I replied to him, "You're the only one I think about."
Oooh, burn! But wait.
He started sweating like a prostitute in church, and I wondered if he was hurt that I didn't say "it" too. The next day I found out (through friends tagging him in Facebook photos, of all things) he was still very much in a relationship with his "ex." Balls, balls, said the queen, if I had them I'd be king. Love is only as good as the lover. My reserved approbation is worth more than some guys' all-out-balls-to-the-wall fervent passionate love because if a man is a festering pile of goatshit, no love that comes from him can be much more substantial than the airy effluvium of stink waves.
Rofl, I had to look up 'feckless' to see if it was really a word and not a typo of 'reckless'.
Yay for learning new words.
The fact that you use so many... how do I put this... "big words" just makes you sound insane and as if you're trying to compensate for something. Sending angry letters online is pretty of cowardly. If someone really feels this way, they should say it to their face. That's just my opinion.
you are such a great writer
@queenie199@xanga - Uh. Just because you use large, complicated words and similes won't make your situation seem any more dramatic or "tough" or "cool". Oh boo-hoo, you got cheated on and you found out on Facebook. You aren't a special snowflake.
I can barely even make heads or tails of your crazy jibber-jabber. Nice completely unrelated quotes you got there. Maybe that's why he cheated on you. Nobody likes a batshit insane drama queen.
hahahaha someone is painfully insecure about their deficient vocabulary =P
@TheGrandGalacticInquisitor@xanga - actually it fully made sense....
I'm the "tactless, cheating bastard" and would be bored by this letter. ; )
If they didn't care that they were cheating on two people knowingly, I doubt they'd care about the letter if it was actually sent since they are soul-less.
LMAO I skipped most of it but read this line " In the event that you try to deceive yet again, make sure you don't leave your cellphone rolling around, open to a text message that reads:
"UR MY ONLY LUV. C U L8ER 2NIGHT.
That was pretty funny! Lol. Nice advice.
God, your use of language is fantastic.