Monday, 25 April 2011
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Attention Boys: How NOT to Get Laid
Post submitted by an anonymous user.
1. Ask a girl if you can jizz on her face. Then text your friend “I think tonight is the night it’s finally going to happen” while the girl is sitting right next to you and can read the text.
2. Whip out your dick in the back of a cab. This is just wrong on so many levels.
3. Tell a girl you just met, “I can’t help it that I’m sexually attracted to you.” Oh really, I’m flattered. I can’t help it that you just lost your chance of ever sleeping with me.
4. Refuse to meet your could-be booty call and instead say “I’m in bed, can you get a cab?” If the girl is willing to give you some late night action, you can walk the two blocks to meet her.
5. Tell her to come into the community shower with you. Um, gross!
6. Have another girl’s bra, undies, etc. lying around your room in plain view. Can someone say man whore?
7. Play music to get her “in the mood”. This will fail, so just don’t do it.
8. "Accidentally" have your TV turned to porn when you flip on the TV. Girl-on-girl action is the last thing she wants to see.
9. Burp, fart—partake in any bro-like action in the bedroom. Not attractive and not going to get you laid.
10. Tell her you don’t believe in using condoms. If this is your attitude, don’t plan on having many sex partners.
Anything else that will guarantee he doesn’t get laid? Has your guy ever done any of these things?
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Comments (48)
wow that girl's eyes are blue! o.o
I used to have a lover that would send me sexy pictures. They would show off his well built torso, but always just tease. I thought that was sexy. One night, he sent me a picture of just his penis. I just started laughing my ass off. Sexy pics = awesome. Penis pics = laughing too hard to want to do him.
#8 is debatable. Â
How about just jumping for the clitoris?
@shinoseishi@xanga -
I think so, too. The penis isn't sexy!!! Esp those nasty, saggy balls.
@Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga - You don't have too go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bloody gazelle, give her a kiss boy! Lots of possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris!
Quoting Monty Python constantly? Thats not gonna get you laid.
TBH you may as well have just put "Have no common sense or decency, be an arsehole at every opportunity and generally fuck about like you don't want it". Or just say "Have no face, just a bloody skullcorpse instead, with maggots". You know. I expected practical advice. But with what you have given me, I must be getting laid everyweek! :D
Surely a little deathmetal too loosen the mood?
I could go on... funny stuff :)
Getting her super wasted may get you laid, but I can't guarantee she won't puke or fall asleep halfway through...(I was drunk out of my mind and I fell asleep once, whoops. It was also because he partly sucked in bed xD)
A part of me prays that this is a joke list, but the rest of me knows that some of these are all too common.
None of these are the reason I don't get laid. I don't have a problem with that in the least. I could give you probably 32 off the top of my head...
Don't be ridiculous, everybody knows these are golden and completely acceptable. I'm wet.
@shinoseishi@xanga - i dont get why guys think sending pictures of their dicks turns girls on. it just... doesnt. lmao
these guys sound like cheap slutty slobs. I prefer the more charming and organized players lol
7. yes, this is why if you go to ANY panty dropper on youtube, you see comments from all sorts of girls about how wet they're getting just listening to the song. i have a friend who doesn't even like r&b and she loved when i sent her my recommendations. methinks you're wrong with this one.
ehh, i wouldn't mind watching girl on girl action.
I've had someone do number 9...Wasn't impressed at all! Sometimes he'd even do it on purpose. Yes, I get that you think it's normal and natural, but can't you at least TRY to impress me?
Also had someone try to make a move on me when I'd been puking my guts out all night! He never had a chance to begin with...but that night, he confirmed that 100 times in my mind so that there never would be even the slightest chance I'd ever warm up to him.
i know a guy who bluntly tells girls that he wants to sleep with them. like explicitly, and all the girls i know have been creeped out by it. yet he wonders why he cant find a girl.
@zzzzzulavalle@xanga - thats funny you say that cause the guy i'm talking about does that alot.
On a first date, or the first time getting into the sack these might be a total turn off, but most of them either don't bother me, and some of them I like. I have a guy who sends me photos of his man stuff and I like it. I think dicks are cute and balls are one of my favorite things in the world.
Guys burp and fart. I like when they jizz on my face and I think that being told that a guy finds me sexually attractive is nice. Right on with them not willing to make any effort for booty call. It takes two to make a friends with benefits thing work.
I like having music on unless it's crappy lounge music. I don't want porn early in a relationship because I want to be the main attraction. No public showering, but flashing me in a semi public spot is sorta fun. Having evidence of a previous hook up with another gal IS a deal breaker. I hate condoms and would much prefer we get tested and do it au natural.
haha actually had 1 and 2 done to me before.
Yah these would defintely be mood killers for me lol. I do have a friend though that wouldn't care about any of these., not even number 10. It hasn't worked out very well for her.
@Footballblogs@xanga - Oh, I don't know... my husband and I quote Monty Python to each other all the time, and we still get laid. ;)
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - You two are fantastic! : ) Any chance he's a knight who says ni?
I actually like a little Dave Matthews band, or a strong beat, for loving action but I'm usually the one who instigates it.
11. Never tell her about how hot the other girls you slept with were and then try to bang her. I've had that happen and I almost punched him in the face.
@Joobie82@xanga - Well, he was, but he is now no longer a knight who says ni. He is now the knight who says ekki ekki ekki putang zooom boing!
Hehe, we have fun. :D
My boyfriend asked #1 before. Biggest turn off ever. It took a long while before I even remotely wanted to fool around with him again. We talked about it though and moved on.
this was hilarious