Sunday, 24 April 2011

• My Stranger

  

  It's one of those Friday nights where I'm laying in my bed, staring up at my ceiling.  As I was cleaning my room earlier this week, I found a small trinket that was linked to my past.  It was a dog tag that had "Kat and ___", our anniversary date (12.31.04), as well as "I Love You" engraved on it.  I stared at it as my heart sank.  I felt it was like only yesterday when I felt I was in love and I was loved in return.  It was a relationship that lasted about five years, on and off for three years after the two year mark. 

  I remember being so ecstatic to see that significant other of mine and I remember such happiness surging through my body as he hugged me.  I used to live for hugs, especially his.  Those small kisses on the forehead made me feel so loved.  My hands fit so perfectly into his and I was just so happy living in that moment where time just stopped.  I remember how life used to be smooth sailing when he was around me and I could do no wrong.  I remember working hard to make sure he was always happy with me and that I earned the title of being "the best girlfriend." 

  I thought we were going to get married one day, have our own house, three kids, and three cars - two "everyday" cars, and a weekend one.  He was going to be the engineer and I was going to be the nurse.  We were inseparable and I thought nothing could ever break us.  

  Our first anniversary was one of my fondest memories of him.  It was the first time I'd actually been committed into a relationship that lasted more than six months and I wanted to show him how much I cared.  I dormed at Stony Brook and I decided to get a job in order to do something other than study.  Every week ever since I started the job, a piece of my paycheck would go to a small fund for his anniversary present. 

  I remember saving every bit of money I could find... whether it be from picking up loose change off the floor or even stopping myself from eating out.  I wanted to get him the best present I could afford for Christmas and our Anniversary, since the two dates were so close together.  I bought a simple black sweater and sewed a huge "RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE" emblem onto the back, ironed on patches, and even drew on it with deco-marker. 

  All that time and effort took about 4 hours to do.  However, the present that really made me realize how much I loved him was the ring I purchased from Zales.  I remember almost not having enough money to get the ring, but the woman was nice enough to cut me a deal.  I gave him a white gold band, engraved with our names and the date of our anniversary inside of it.  I was so stupid to realize at the time that pieces of jewelry never showed anyone a sign of affection, nor does the effort to get it.

  I suppose we got too comfortable in our relationship and I didn't like the change.  Nothing seemed to spark anymore and he didn't seem as interested in me as I thought he was.  When we fought, he would always hang up and go to sleep on me... and allow me to cry at night, not solving anything.  He would talk to me the next morning as though nothing was wrong and I'd just feel miserable because nothing would change.  I was the one who always gave in.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I wanted happiness but I also wanted to put him before myself. 

  I guess this is the reason why I became so vulnerable.  I put others before me and even though it isn't a bad thing, people will end up taking advantage of this because they know you would do anything for them.  It's sad to say that I've forgotten what love felt like.  I remember the stages of our relationship and how we went up and down the hill, until I finally tripped and fell down and hit rock bottom.  I do believe most of the downfall of our relationship was my fault, but at the same time, there are a lot of things he did that he will never own up to... because he will always believed he was right for his maltreatment towards me.  

  I miss the days where love was blossoming within my heart.  When I lost him, I felt like I lost my "everything."  It's all right, though... time slowly heals all things.  I want to take the good things out of my relationship with him and take it with me into my next relationship, if that special guy ever comes my way.  I will vow to make sure I never make the same mistakes again and I will also cherish my next relationship even more than I did with this one. 

  I hope to find him one of these days... if he does exist for me.  I know God is making him perfect for me and that's why he's still out there.  I know I'm not as social as I used to be and I don't get those special hugs anymore.  As for my ex, he has moved onto other things, which may or may not be good for him.  It's so strange to see him every once in a while pass me in school and not being able to hug him the way I used to, smile and chat the way we used to, or even just even be myself. 

  He and I have both moved on, but there are days where I wonder what he's up to and how he's doing.  Even though he has mistreated me in so many ways, I do not hold it against him and I forgive him for that.  I suppose I ended up writing about this because of Wong Fu's video - "Strangers, again."  The boy I once loved is now a stranger and a faded memory of the past, locked within the dog tag in that small box on the top shelf.

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