Sunday, 24 April 2011
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Deadly Sins of Dating #2 - Wussy Behavior
Here's a topic I'm sure more people will agree on, but I would love to see the counterarguments nevertheless. This topic applies solely to men, although it may just a tad little apply to women in a few rare cases. It's a topic that all the PUA's focus on and consider as the #1 pitfall for men in the dating arena. This topic is on wussy behavior.In most circumstances, men who are wusses are unattractive to women. What do I mean by being a wuss? I mean sucking up to a woman and constantly seeking her approval on things. You've all heard the saying "Nice guys finish last", and it's true when it comes to dating. The worst part is most men are raised to think and act this way, either by their mothers or by certain entertainment venues. They are always told things like "pay for her date", "always buy her gifts", "always do what she wants", etc. Unfortunately, this backfires big time.
A lot of women say they just want a "nice, sweet, caring guy", but is that what they really want? If so, how come women keep dating jerks? Better yet, why is it that women will typically go on only a handful of dates with "nice" men but stick to jerks like glue for years? Or rather, a common situation is a woman will date a "nice" guy for a few months while she is secretly longing for her badboy eboyfriend. What is the logic behind this? The answer is there is no logic. Women cannot choose who they are attracted to. Same with men.
Even the most clean-cut choir boy who follows a strict faith will be attracted to a super model without any reasoning whatsoever. David DeAngelo puts all this in the best perspective and uses a nice allegory to represent how women feel when it comes to dating jerks over nice guys. Nice guys are like healthy food. Women need healthy food. They say they want it. However, they decide to eat junk food instead.
Now am I suggesting that men become jerks just to attract more women? The answer is no. In fact, becoming a jerk when that's not who you are can backfire because it shows that you're insecure with who you are. Rather, I am suggesting that men stop placing women on pedestals. They are not perfect; they have problems like you do, sometimes many more. You are NOT being yourself when you decide to define your existence through the existence of a woman you're attracted to.
You must be comfortable in your own skin and not care what she thinks. What I mean by that is stop buying her gifts (particularly expensive gifts) on every date you go on with her; instead only give her gifts on special occasions or by surprise every once in a while (if the relationship kicks off). Don't call her several times per week especially in the beginning of the relationship; do it sparingly.
You have your own matters to take care of and you don't need to put your life on hold for her. Don't ask her "well where would you like to go?" when setting up a date; you as the man decide and if she has a better idea, go with it. Do NOT go around asking your friends what you should do next or even post articles on Datingish asking everyone if you made the right decision, hoping you didn't totally blow things.
Women are more attracted to men who are confident in the decisions that they make, even if they are bad ones. In the same sense, when you call, don't be like "Oh I hope I didn't call you at a bad time"; she will tell you if you have. In fact, if she really wants to talk to you, almost no time is a "bad" time.
When you meet a woman, don't be afraid to knock on her and make fun of her in a friendly way. Even if she fires back, do NOT give in by going "Oh I'm sorry I'm sorry it was a joke!". Furthermore, don't come off as a desperate jackass. A lot of guys make this mistake when they see an attractive woman particularly in a nightclub or online. Watch any YouTube video with an attractive girl doing a vlog and see how many guys post in the comment section something like "OMG UR TEH HAWT!!!!!!" I wouldn't care as much if the same guys didn't plague online dating sites. Even average-looking women will receive hundreds of the same lameass messages from horny guys.
Before anyone interprets this article in the wrong way, I am not at all suggesting that a man should be disrespectful and not courteous towards a woman. Rather, a man should always be in control of his life and in control of himself when meeting and dating women. Too many guys fall apart and break down in this area of their lives, which only leads to them getting hurt in the long run.
Thoughts?
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- From: Chibi_Son_Gokou@xanga
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Comments (52)
i have been inspired to write a blog.
"Women are more attracted to men who are confident in the decisions that they make, even if they are bad ones."
uh...I COMPLETELY disagree and you're making women sound stupid...seriously I would rather my boyfriend be a "wuss" and have a head on his shoulders then be a jackass who does stupid crap that can get him/me hurt.
ugh.
I don't understand this garbage at all. I've dated four guys, all of them treated me right and were healthy relationships. I've never wanted to date an asshole who treats me like shit. Sorry to disprove your theory, but I think guys like to convince themselves that if they get dumped that they are better than the guy she goes out with next. (Oh he must be an asshole! She dumped me because I was too nice! I'm so perfect, she must be sick to want someone else! ) Pull your head outta your ass. She probably left the first guy because he was a bumbling insecure idiot.
I'm glad that there are people that understand that being a jerk isn't what attracts women to them, its the associated confidence. A man can be confident and not be a jerk. Confidence is one of the biggest differences between "nice guys" and good men.
I get this totally. Would have written a blog on it but it was a bit too personal. I was like this sooooo much in my first crush (she totally doesn't respect me now even though we are friends) and I guess I was kinda like it in my relationships up until now.
I just think focusing on your own life is the bedrock of confidence. If I achieve things, I will glow and people will be attracted to me! If I don't rate my own life and respect myself, who is gonna wanna share that?
Thoughts? Yes, just one though, this post was stupid.
The best advice I could give any of my guy friends is to focus on their own lives, and respect themselves. They should do what makes them happy, and do it without shame. If they can do this, the confidence will show itself.
I don't like jerks. the difference between the guy that I chose and the guy that I didn't choose is that the other guy is hotter amongst other appealing things that get my attention. so what if he is mostly just a, "nice, sweet, caring guy" with an average body, because so are many other people or so what if he is mainly just a, "hottie with a nice body" with a jerk/bad personality, because so are many other people, but if he is nice, sweet, caring AND a hottie with a nice body AND other important stuff that aren't in my dealbreakers list, then I choose him-whoever he is; with the total package
and the jerks that I've known tend to have ripped bodies. I'd like it more if he was a nice guy with a ripped body though of course. another difference is that the other guy is more charismatic and has a more charming personality. I don't like it when people make fun of me, then write it off with a "just kidding" to lessen the insult
if he compares me to another girl in an insulting way that he thinks is humorous but I don't, then he is immediately friendzoned
if he doesn't call or contact me in other ways at least once a day during the beginning stages of getting to know each other, then I'll think that he isn't that interested in me if he calls me sparingly and acts like he is busy when he has that spare time in his day to talk to me.
I never wanted to be attracted to jackasses, but I am. I would love to be attracted to a 'nice guy' but it just doesn't work - for one, I have no self confidence, so put me with someone else with low self confidence and it goes nowhere. Another thing that I have noticed is that girls want to feel wanted. Like that Rihanna song "I want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world." And you may think that a nice guy is perfect for this, but the thing about it is that it doesn't feel special. I feel like guys that are puppies would do those things for anyone. They do it because they feel it should be done, not because they really want to do it. When you can get a jackass to do those kinds of things, it means you're that much more of an exception.
"Nice guys" tend to think they're rejected because they're nice guys. The reality is that they're not "nice guys," they're push-overs, or doormats, or clingy/needy/obsessive, or they're just weak. Some women like guys like these. Most women don't. So they're not getting rejected because they're nice guys. They're getting rejected because they don't know how to have an equal partnership with a woman. They're too ready to give up their own needs and it just comes off as desperate.
Women really do want a nice guy...we just don't want a nice guy who is also clingy/needy/weak/obsessive. Be a man...just be a nice one.
And stop saying nice guys finish last. I hate that. Most guys who call themselves a "nice guy" don't really know what that means, and they spend all of their time lamenting the fact that women date assholes when what they need to be doing is figuring out how to be a nice guy with some balls.
-Katie
@akatiegirl - So well said. I totally agree.
Buying your gf gifts and paying for dates are not "wussy" actions. You appear to be confused about what it means to be nice vs. what it means to be a doormat. Being treated well is not a turn-off.
Paying for dates is not wussy. Being unable to make a decision about what you want to eat, where you want to go, what you want to do, those things are wussy. Like you said, confidence is attractive (not bad decision making, just confidence) and being weak-willed is unattractive.
Example (cuz I like to tell stories): I once dated a guy who made me make all of the decisions in our relationship. I decided when we hung out. He'd call me and tell me that he wanted me to ask him out on a date (after we were already together) and plan the whole thing (I don't mind doing that sometimes, but I do mind being asked to do it). When it was Valentine's Day, he made me plan the evening myself with zero input from him. In fact, he made me plan just about every date we went on. He never seemed to have an opinion about anything. He could never decide what he wanted to eat at a restaurant, or what he wanted me to make him for dinner. The absolute worst thing, though, was when I would ask him a question like, "Do you want something to drink?" and he would say, "What do you think?"
Needless to say, I didn't have much respect for him. (Although he was a very nice guy.)
@AsylumBlue - Bingo.
People just find each other. Some go with jerks some go with nice guys. Like you said yourself, people can't control who they are attracted to. So you can't generalize that all girls like jerks. I do agree that there are some traits that do turn people off like having no confidence. Confidence is definitely one of the key factors in attracting the opposite sex.
@akatiegirl - That's totally true.
OP:
I'm not sure if I completely agree with it though it does have some merit. I did end up dating a jerk but it was back before he revealed himself to be a jerk. Usually, jerks can pretend and fake being nice but in reality, their true colors show later down the line if they ever get into a relationship. People can be deceiving all the way around.
true, i think men expect women to be perfect and if they're not the women get criticized a lot.
totally true to the point
NIce guys =/= wussy guys.
You sound confused. Some feminist is going to absolutely love you.
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@akatiegirl - very true. don't be needy. get a life of your own.
THANK YOU.
yeah, i wouldn't really agree with what you've said. i think wussy behaviour is fine. a guy who asks a girl what she wants to do & goes out of his way to find out what she likes is really significant to me & meaningful cuz it shows how much he likes me, whereas a guy who doesn't care & just does what he wants shows he doesn't like me as much. yes, i do tend to like the guys who are uncaring, nonchalant & play hard-to-get. but even a persuasive, persistent, "wussy" guy can get me to fall for him. 6 years. all he had to do was keep me. my bf needed me. i helped him. i just got tired of helping him. but i don't regret going out with him nor does he. you're right, people should be in control of their lives, but just cuz you're hurting or in a bad place, does not mean someone can't help you get out. i personally like projects.
what i think we should tell everyone is that: you should be who you are. if you're the wussy type, be it. if you're the macho bad boy type, be that. you will attract the appropriate girl for you. wussy guys will get certain kinds of girls. macho guys will get certain kinds of girls. if you want the kind of girl who doesn't naturally gravitate towards you, you have to change yourself. be true to yourself. that's it. there's no right or wrong way to approach a girl.
This post is idiotic. If you only want to cater to guys who only want the kind of stupid women who prefer an arrogant douche over a decent man, then great post.
This is absolutely ridiculous.
My boyfriend hands me the world and is a gentleman, and I LIKE that. A lot, actually.
I don't understand why treating another human being well means you have no confidence? I wouldn't be with him if he was as considerate of me as he is...
I think you're only taking into consideration the moronic and insecure women.
But, I won't settle for less than being treated like a friggen queen. However, I will always reciprocate and treat him like a king. =)
Here's a perspective from a woman who has had experience in the dating scene.. I love it when a guy actually buys me gifts and calls me every night. I don't considerate it annoying and actually enjoy the attention. If a girl is into you, she would love that kind of attention...
If she isn't, you'll know it soon enough.
My best advice is.. don't go overboard and be who you are. If you're not really a nice person and quite selfish.. she'll see it eventually so "pretending" to be a nice guy doesn't always work. But on the other hand, if you are the nice and considerate type (not the kind that smothers her) and she still rejects you, then move on. There's better women out there. Not all girls will appreciate a good guy and those types of girls are a waste of time anyway.