Saturday, 23 April 2011
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Should I Settle Down at Age 20?
I'm 20 years old and I've been dating my (also) 20-year-old boyfriend for two and a half years, as we met at age 17. As some background information, we are both currently college students. I am majoring in psychology and magazine journalism (I want to eventually attain my Master's and PhD in psychology), and he wants to do something in the criminal justice field.
We have a really solid and stable relationship and have been told by many people (including both sides of our family) that we have a really mature and understanding relationship in general, but especially given our age. We both have each other's best interest at heart, are best friends (but we both have many other friends), and support each other through all of our goals and achievements.
We've always resolved every issue we've come across, and we can never stay upset with each other because it hurts too much. We have also never broken up. We both share the belief that a relationship is something you put work into, and not something that can just be given up on easily.
We also share many other beliefs, such as finances (we're both BIG on saving), where our priorities lie, values, how many kids we want, where we'd like to live, we're both family-oriented, etc., etc. We both also place a huge emphasis on compromise and trust, which are essential in a good relationship.
We both feel the same way about each other, and would love to get married and have kids someday. We've had discussions about how we'd handle finances, with whom certain responsibilities would lie, where we would want to live, what values we would want to instill in our children, what punishments would be used for our children, parenting styles, religious beliefs, etc., etc.
Basically, the typical things a couple should talk about before they even consider getting married. We've also discussed what our ideal wedding would be like, and honestly, we were both more focused on what we could do to make our marriage happy AFTER the wedding rather than how we'd decorate for the wedding day.
My point is that sometimes I feel too mature for my age, which can be frustrating when I feel ready for things that most people don't feel ready to do until later in life. Not to mention, I've been dating my boyfriend for two and a half years, and many people who are older are already married after that amount of time. (Note: My wanting to get married is not pressured by how long we've been dating.)
At 20, is it really that unrealistic for me to be thinking about marrying my boyfriend? Is it too much to hope for a proposal, even if we wouldn't get married for a couple years anyways?
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About the Author
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- From: learningtolive_again@xanga
- Name: Katie
- About Me: Katie. 20. 5'2". :)
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Comments (96)
Age shouldn't be the determining factor. When you know, you just KNOW. That being said, I don't think it's something you should rush into doing if there is no reason to be jumping right in. My fiance and I knew we were going to get married after 2 years together but didn't actually get engaged until the 4 year mark. We're both 22 years old, which is young for most people. But I firmly believe that, considering some people wait until their 30's to marry and STILL end up getting divorced, age isn't what makes or breaks a marriage. It's the two people involved and the maturity level. You both sound very mature and if you want to get married and have all the support you need (from yourself and each other), then don't listen to what other people say.Do what makes you both happy. Best wishes!
If he makes you happy, then please stop worrying about how you should or shouldn't feel about marriage AT 20! You guys seem to have a good thing going. If you think you have unrealistic expectations, base that off your relationship as two individuals, not on the fact that you're 20 year olds in a relationship.
Aside from that, hope all you want, girl. Hope will never set you back, but expectations are a different story. It's ok to want him to propose, I just hope that in time you don't begin to expect it to happen by a certian point. People can tell you all they want about how your relationship should be and when you should be married, but the only way a marriage will ever work is when two people love each other, and make that step THEIR choice, when they're ready, regardless of their age (at least in American culture . . . ).
I wish you two the best of luck and an awesome future together :)
I was engaged at 19. We were both ready to settle down, age aside.
We're getting married this year (nearly 4 years after the engagement), and it works fine for us.
Whatever you feel works best for you, is what you should focus on. Not the stigma of a number.
I was married a year ago, at 19 years old. And I love it, I love to have something as stable as my husband. But - you should think about one thing in advance - do you want to travel? Study in another town or country? Do something that might be difficult if you have a husband you'd have to leave behind? Believe me, it gets difficult, even though it's so worth it in the end.
@bmillerssailor@xanga - agreed
@bmillerssailor@xanga - @bmillerssailor@xanga - I definitely agree with what you said about age not being a huge factor in divorce. I believe it has to do with the couple (i.e. their communication skills, how they resolve fights, etc.). A couple may be in their late 20's or 30's, but things like that can make or break a relationship regardless of how old or young you are.
I also loved reading what you said about you and your husband. It's reassuring to see others in the same situation as I am that waited a while before getting married, even if they already knew they wanted to get married a few years prior. I definitely don't feel like if I wait a few years that we won't still be together--I know we will be. It's just the fact that I feel ready now, you know? Thanks so much for your comment. :)
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - I agree with you. Every relationship is VERY different and I really shouldn't compare mine to others. It's just hard when there's an unwritten rule that you should wait until after college to get married, you know?
Thank you for your comment! :)
@vixen_with_a_cause@xanga - You brought up a really great point, and I really appreciate that because it's something I've been feeling guilty about. I feel like I do have hopes that have been slowly turning into mild expectations. And although I realize this isn't good at all, I'm not quite sure how to silence them. It's kind of like the snowball effect!
Thank you for your comment! :)
@skylar_rose@xanga - First of all, congratulations to the both of you! I wish you both a very happy marriage together. :)
I do have a question for you... Did you complete a college degree during those four years you were engaged? Or anything else you felt needed to be done before tying the knot?
The reason I'm asking is because I've always been told to finish my college degree before getting married. And regardless of how my parents feel about it, a college degree is very important to me, as well. It would make a lot of sense for a couple to be engaged and then wait until after they've received their degrees (or maintained a stable job, etc.) before getting married. Is this something you guys did? :)
Thanks for your comment!
If it feels right, go for it! :)
@nattfisk@xanga - I've very happy to hear that you're so happy in your marriage. :) How long had you been dating your husband before you got married?
I think you bring up a great point, too. I know that when two people are thinking about getting married at a young age, a relevant concern is whether you have experienced all you want to experience before being "tied down." And honestly, I know I will experience all sorts of new experiences throughout my life. But in this moment, I am a small-town girl who likes simpler things. I never had the urge to study abroad or to travel all over (unless it's with someone I know!). I'm actually really content with where I live and I do feel that my goals for my future are attainable whether or not I'm married to my best friend. :) Now, I'm not saying I think it would be easy... But what great thing is easy?
Was there anything else you came across when you got married young that you wish you would have known beforehand?
Thank you so much for your comment!
@feelslikejuly@xanga - Thank you! :)
@learningtolive_again@xanga - I did finish my schooling (Bachelor Degree). I do want to go back for my masters degree, but that will come in time.
A big thing for Corey and I was stability before wedding. We've finished our education, and both work stable and quality jobs. Furthermore, we've purchased our first home (a year ago next week, to be exact). We wanted to get things lined up before worrying about a wedding.
Regarding the general "stuff I'd like to do", we're not so concerned. Most of what we'd like to do, we want to do together. Our timeline for that is pre-children. Wedding aside, we can still travel and explore with relative ease. Toss kids into the mix, and you'll find that we're more inclined to cross a few more things off our list first.
@skylar_rose@xanga - I really appreciate getting to hear about your story because it is very similar to how I would love for things to play out (naturally) in my own relationship. The goals you both have also sound very similar. For example, we both want to finish our schooling and get stable jobs before getting married. However, unlike many people who want to experience parts of life on their own before settling down, I want to experience those parts alongside my boyfriend, just like you do.
Thanks again!
Age doesn't matter. Are you both financially independent, completely? If so, and if you have been for awhile, both with no debt, then maybe. But I personally don't see the rush to before you are both into your final careers.
I've been going out with my boyfriend for 6 years, and we started having relationship troubles at year 3. i think you should wait.
You guys sound better than most married couples in your tracking that both love and marriage take work, and you're committed. Start hint dropping about your finger feeling lonely haha.
Can I just say that you just wrote the blog that I have been trying to write since forever ago? I feel the exact same way. I just turned 21 and my boyfriend is 23. But we are both ready for marriage. And so are both of our families. We're just waiting on school. And that's the only reason we're not married yet. We've wanted to get married since probably 3 months into our relationship.
Oh and this is the kicker. Are you ready. He's wants to get into law enforcement (be a police officer). My minor is in Psychology. (that has nothing to do with relationships but I just thought that was a little crazy)
Well in truth, you are quite young. But you'll do what you want and you certainly have the right to do it. But people can change a lot from that age. Whether you guys change together or separately is a diff question. But on average, people who marry younger do get more divorces. But still, you should feel free to do what you like. =)
My husband popped the question when I was 20 and he was 18. We finally got married last month at ages 22 and 20. I don't think age is as much the issue here. I'd say what's more important are your mentalities, priorities, expectations, etc.
@xxx_MYLiFE@xanga - Thank you for being honest. What kind of problems did you and your boyfriend begin having?
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - No, neither of us is completely financially independent. We do both pay for many things, and neither of us has any debt. We do each have savings. Not being completely financially independent is definitely a huge issue, and I realize that. What I would love more than anything currently is to be engaged, and to wait until we're graduated from college and have stabled jobs before getting married.
Thanks for your comment!
@logical_fallacies@xanga - Thank you! And it's kind of funny because he'll randomly ask me which finger is my wedding finger. But I know he's just asking, and doesn't mean anything by it. It's a nice thought, though!! :)
@xhalesx@revelife - I am so glad I wrote this blog, then! I was actually searching through Datingish looking for a blog like this, but I couldn't find one that was close enough to my situation... So I decided to write about it!
That's so great that you both feel the same way. When will the two of you be finished with school? And you said that both of your families are waiting for you two to get married, also?! That's so great to have that support! Support from family and friends really goes a long way.
About the majors/minors, that is just too funny! What a coincidence!
@Kittyluve@xanga - Your comments are definitely incredibly relevant to young relationships, and trust me, I couldn't agree more. Honestly, I look around and see too many young relationships that should have ended awhile ago due to lack of maturity, communication skills, etc. A huge factor in whether or not a young relationship will work in the long-run is whether the couple will change together or change separately, which ultimately may cause the two to drift apart. As for my boyfriend and me, we started out being quite different from each other. However, as time has passed, we couldn't have grown more together than we have. It's like we are one, and it just happens so naturally. Honestly, I doubt we will get engaged anytime soon, but I have always kept that aspect in mind. Luckily, it hasn't been an issue yet. Thank you for your honesty, though!