Friday, 22 April 2011
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No Regrets?
This post was submitted by an anonymous user.I've been reading Datingish for a long time, but this is my first time - my virgin post (though not so much about virgin territory)....
Anyways, I'm graduating from college in a State halfway across the country from my hometown...next week. Among the "lasts" of college life, I'm thinking a lot about "last chances." Particularily, one "last chance." That is, my "last chance to sleep with a certain boy."
We have been sexually attracted to each other since freshman year - but one of us was always in a relationship when the other was singleand the timing was just never on for us. We weren't looking for a relationship with each other, we just clearly had this rampant sexual attraction and needed to jump each other's bones!
Finally last year we were both briefly single at the end of the term - the very end - the day before I left end. We quickly jumped at the opportunity but halfway through a wild makeout session at 4 in the morning, we realized neither of us had condoms (hey, I read Datingish, I take my safe sex seriously!) Stores remotely near our small college-town were all closed! I had to leave the next morning and we agreed to continue where we left off in the fall term.
Of course I had to go get a boyfriend over the summer. I am as Beyonce would say, "craaaaaazy in love" with my boyfriend. So crazy, we decided to date despite him living back East and me going back to Utah in the Fall. A summer fling turned into a year long distance relationship - it's worked great! I would never cheat on him - and have not all year. And now when I graduate, our relationship will be "normal"! I would go as far as saying when the time is right, I'd be prepared to settle down with him - for good.
This of course has not stopped my undeniable, unexplainable sexual attraction to the other boy - I've just been rather restrained about it. It doesn't help that we keep running into each other at parties.
This other boy is from California, and realistically after graduation we will never see each other again, so this is really my last chance. If I don't do it, I will forever regret it! If I do it, I will forever regret it! I'm in a bind. Either way, I will have a major regret! What happened to no regrets? Four years of foreplay for an anticlimax of lifelong "blueballs" if you will, or a life of regretting cheating on the love of my life. I don't have it in me to cheat on my amazing boyfriend, but oddly enough, deciding NOT to cheat is filling me with regret. It's not about the boy (I don't have any intention of dating him) and it's not about the sex (my sex life with my boyfriend is great) - so here are my questions for you:
1) Despite not going through with cheating, are these feelings a bad sign for my relationship?
2) Which regret is worse?
3) Is there a way to have no regrets?Love,
Stella xx
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Comments (41)
Closed long distance relationships are really, really difficult. Especially for someone like you, who cherishes sex as much as they do love. Not a bad thing, but it makes ldrs kind of a stretch. =/
Maybe you could talk to your boyfriend about an open relationship?
1. No. Feelings are feelings. You've got a history with this other guy feelings don't just go away.
2. There was a study done about regrets. People regret things they've done more than the things they haven't. Looking at that you are statistically more inclined to regret cheating that regret not cheating. That is if course statistics.
Also, do you really want to be a cheater? That's a line you can't go back on. If you cheat then most likely the relationship you have with your boyfriend is going to encounter a lot of problems in the future unless you don't tell him. Emotionally that can be a very heavy guilt for you.
&
3. No.
The only way to get rid of temptation, is to yield to it.
lol, seriously?
"I have an amazing boyfriend... but I want to cheat on him!"
...He deserves better.
@Asinine_Dreams@xanga - agreed
Don't cheat. If things fall apart with your Boyfriend, fly to LA or where-ever the other guy is and fuck his brains out.
But don't cheat, because if things do work out with your current beau, you will regret it FOREVER. You can never ever get that trust back, and you will be paranoid as fuck as to whether he will cheat on you, because if you did it too him, its possible right?
Just don't. Control yourself.
No offense, but this is all a little selfish. You love your boyfriend, and you think you could possibly be with him forever. Can you imagine what would happen if 20 years from now it comes out that you cheated on him because you were stubborn and horny? Talk about regrets....
I agree with@Asinine_Dreams@xanga - he deserves better than that.
Why don't you tell your boyfriend that you need a one-week-break? Then it's not cheating! *kidding*
I think/hope you're just horny because your boyfriend isn't around and you wouldn't waste a thought with this guy if you could meet your boyfriend every week. If you think I'm right with my assumption you'll regret cheating more than not cheating and it's not a bad sign for the relationship.
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If I were your boyfriend and found this out I'd dump you in a heartbeat. Your all is obviously not there with your LD boyfriend. Just call it quits and shag this guy that is tempting you so much.
I don't understand.You'll live if you don't have that great sexapade. And whose to guarantee it will be great? And even if it is, is it worth hurting the person you love in order to have that one fling? It would be terribly selfish. Just switch it around. How would you feel if your boyfriend felt this way about another girl.
2) cheating is worse.
3) no.
when you were single and had that 4am makeout session with the guy, but didn't have sex due to no condoms, then maybe you could've done other things like oral sex on each other
too late~
I don't think the cheap thrill is worth ruining your committed relationship. if you have to ask which regret is worse, then maybe reevaulate your devotion to your bf, because your mind is wandering. if you switch the perspective, then you'd be angry if your bf was fantasizing about another girl while he was with you, so it isn't technically cheating for fantasizing, but your intentions are there, and you've had a thing for each other for 4 years, and you even think that it'll be a serious regret that you'll have in your life, which means that if the opportunity presented itself, then cheating is tempting you...such as something happened in your current relationship and you broke up, then maybe you'd take that chance to have sex with this guy if he was single, then you'd regret it and get back together with your bf:P
Seriously? You need us to tell you what is worse? Where the hell is your moral compass?! It should be clear as DAY which is worse. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you like it if he were dating you yet he was fantasizing about some other girl and really wanted to do her? You're trying to justify bad behavior where there is no justification. There is NO justification in cheating. Cheating is the coward's way out. If you really want to do this other guy, do your boyfriend a favor and call it off with him. You don't seem to have enough concern for him to make this decision yourself.
I can't get away about fantasizing about doing another man besides my husband, and I don't blame him! The idea there is that I married HIM, and if I wanted to do some other guy well then I should have taken that into consideration BEFORE marrying him. This isn't some insecure guy thing. My husband has every right to have ALL of me, and your boyfriend deserves that too.
1. So long as you aren’t cheating, those feelings aren’t bad for your relationship. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you are blind to every attractive male out there. That’d be like... picking a favorite color and then refusing to acknowledge any of the other colors on the spectrum.
2. I’m the kind of person who regrets things I haven’t done instead of things I have done. I hate thinking “what if...” Even if what I’ve done is embarrassing or incredibly stupid, my mindset tells me, “Well, now you know.” In your situation, I think the big question is, “Where do you see your relationship going?” Do you see it lasting beyond college? Do you see a future? If you really, truly do, then don’t do anything to jeopardize that. If not...
3. There are always going to be regrets somewhere along the road. It all depends on how you justify it to yourself and what you can and can’t live with.
I find that people you think you will never see again tend to show up in odd places.
The way to have no regrets is to not do anything stupid.
FUCK HIM, you'll be regretful if you don't.
honestly, if you've been attracted to this guy for years, it's not going to stop. but remember that attraction that is purely physical is just that - purely physical. it's your body and your instinct telling you to bone this guy, it's not an indication of doom on your relationship at all. i don't think you should act on it. if you resist, your love for him will be all the stronger and it will only strengthen your trust and bond.
on the other hand, cheating is NOT fucking okay; it'll ruin the respect and trust of a guy you love, and likely also ruin your relationship. even if this guy is flying to the other side of the universe, the secret will come out. at the time you least want it to.
if you want it this bad, dump your boyfriend.
but honestly, it isn't worth it if he's as great as you say!
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - oral sex without protection is NOT okay! what an awful suggestion.
@haltija@xanga - I know about flavored condoms lol but how does the female have protection? use female condoms during oral sex? just wash herself. I was mainly looking out for her pleasure:D
@haltija@xanga - I've seen more awful/extreme suggestions on other posts advising the girl to dump her bf when she only told her side of the story and made the guy out to be the worst guy on earth when she is clearly biased and bitter, so I don't think my advice is any more awful than others
and it was a past tense suggestion that "could have" happened but I said, "too late" at the end of the sentence, so that means that my comment was a hypothetical that can't happen anyway since she said that she could never cheat on her bf.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - it doesn't matter if it was hypothetical, that's HORRIBLE advice. there is protection out there for oral sex on females, go look it up. you can still get serious and potentially deadly infections through oral sex! dating advice is subjective but health advice is NOT. there is a safe way and a risky way, no ifs ands or buts about it. you're giving risky, WRONG advice.
shame on you. not only are you ignorant, you're DEFENDING it.
@haltija@xanga - I'm aware of the mouth herpes and stds. I'm actually a conservative on sex in general and would never hookup but since this blogger seems scandalous, then I gave advice according to her dirty potential cheating mind, because I hate cheaters, too, and maybe if they got stds, then they'd get what was coming to them:D it is still up to her since she has a mind of her own to make the decisions, so even if she took the advice, she can't blame me or anyone else, since it was a suggestion. the person YOU should be shaming is the blogger with the messed up situation where she is asking these questions pretending to be coy of "which regret is worse?" as if the answer isn't obvious lol I give advice accordingly, so if the person seems slutty, then I'll give them slutty advice. it is their own choice after all.