Sunday, 17 April 2011
-
Confessions of a Former Virgin
I made a choice to remain a virgin until marriage. So needless to say I am not a woman of experience. Granted I've been through enough life experience to write a novel about it, but it's the other kind of experience I lack in. Believe me, I know I made a choice. In the beginning out of fear of my mother, then out of fear that a condom would break and I'd get pregnant and be left all alone.And of course the fact that I've only had 2 serious relationships in my life, crushed on many, stalked a few and dated a couple of possible contenders, didn't make it much easier to just gain some experience.
And here I am at a milestone age, married to a wonderful man who waited because he wanted to truly be with me, with a toddler. Life is good, beyond great.
But there are times, when I'm alone or have a moment to think (which is a rarity) and I realize that I'll only sleep with one man for the rest of my life.I'm not complaining. It's not an easy feat to be accomplished. But I'll always wonder if I missed out on something...mind blowing.
It all comes down to that one-night stand question back in the day. Maybe I asked it subconsciously wanting to be taken seriously on the offer from my work husband at the time. Perhaps he knew that's what the question was meant for, which is why he didn't meet up with me downstairs for that drink. Because he knew without the buffer of work and co-workers, anything was possible after a couple of appletinis and vodka with a splash of ginger ale.
Maybe that's why he got so up close the following morning when we were alone, because he knew it would be the only time he'd be able to be that close to me....or he was kept up all night thinking about the question.
Our work relationship had an underlying sexual tension. Obvious to seemingly most including us. But we knew that there was a line drawn, and we danced around it, but we never crossed it. Apparently, even when I was engaged and he had gotten married, the underlying sexual tension was still apparent even though we both knew whatever remained, was now done, because a co worker watched from across the showroom floor as he and I spoke with a desk in between us and walked over telling him:
"You know Evie is engaged."
"I know, but we have this special relationship." And then he walked away.
Him and that damn phrase.
The way I figure, had we done anything, even if it was the worst sex I'd ever have (which I doubt), I'd know a little bit more than I do now and whatever attraction we shared would've been done and I could've moved on a lot earlier than I did.
But in all fairness, it was the greatest sexless relationship I ever had.
And he didn't even know I was a virgin at the time.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: tinigirl
- Name: tinigirl
- About Me: TiniGirl is my beloved alterego. After the trials of tribulations of dating, work marraiges and life....I deserve a drink! I am an avid writer,mother, wife, wedding and events planner as of late, relationship advice giver, matchmaker....the list is endlessly changing.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 4 Views: 0 10428 Comments: 0 51 View all posts by tinigirl
Comments (23)
this website is very good, you can go and see it
http://www.shoes4world.com/
Although I didn't want to wait until marriage to have sex, I did want to wait for the right person. I did, however, have sexual relationships with other men before I fully shared my virginity with my current partner.
The sexual relationships I had before my current boyfriend all varied--some were terrible, some were good, some great.
I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year now and he has been my longest, strongest, truest relationship. I can even see myself marrying him, knowing that if I did that he will be the only person I've had intercourse with. And although I never really planned to have sex with just one guy, I know that I would be okay with that decision. It probably has to do with the fact that I have had other sexual relationships before that have helped me come to this decision.
My boyfriend has provided for me emotionally what no man has ever before, and that trumps any sexual experience I could have in the future.
On the same token my brother is married and the only person he has had sex with is his wife. He has brought up several times regretting of not having sex with other women first. Although he loves his wife and says he would never cheat, he can't help wishing he had gotten around a bit more before he was married.
It's a fuzzy area. This is why I think it's important to not to wait until marriage to have sex unless you're completely certain on the matter.
I'm not sure exactly what you're asking in your post, but best of luck in it all but try to keep things in perspective.
All these posts from virgins are always saying they wish they would have gotten around more.
It's kind of funny because for me, I wouldn't necessarily say I got around, maybe I got with the wrong people who like to bring drama, but I kinda wish I had stayed a virgin or at least waited until I was with someone I really liked.
I lost mine when I was 21 hoping I would be in a relationship with someone I really liked but I was growing impatient. Be glad you didn't get around. I figured if I can't lose it to someone I like, why not lose it to my very first boyfriend I ever went out with?
The funny story with that is, we went out in high school for two and a half months, we barely even hugged back then and were both virgins then. He told me he would have given his virginity to me if we did it back then but I wasn't ready for that kind of stuff in high school. One day 5 or 6 years later after not talking to each other for years, drifted apart, we ran into each so randomly at Walmart of all places, lmfao. I gave my virginity to him and now I wish I hadn't because he was such an ass, regardless if he was my ex boyfriend, ugh. He had already lost it to someone else though.
I'm doing the same thing you did! I'm eighteen, and still a virgin. I've been with people, who broke up with me because I wanted to remain a virgin till marriage. There are times that I think, i'll never find someone, or i'll die alone, so i'll never have sex. I think that's okay though. Great post!
I think you have it best. I have had sex with about 10 men some good, some great and some not so great. I was on the pill AND I used condoms. It is those moment where with a boyfriend(live-in) that we used no condom and I ended up pregnant. I have 4 kids from similar such situations and I do regret not waiting. I love my kids. They are the BEST things that have ever come into my life but still I have never had nor will ever be able to have the security of knowing that this person has only been with me and only wants me.
I do know people that were virgins when married and they have the best sex lives. The don't have to worry if the other has Hep C or Hiv dormant. They don't have to worry about if they are doing what the other likes because they aren't mixed up with what thier last partner did. They aren't hung up on I wonder if the ex sorts of questions that can arise. They are also very open with one another and they let the other know what they want, need and like when it comes to sex. And they ccan do whatever they want in bed because they are out to have fun and enjoy thier spouces.
I didn't wait for marriage, I waited until I met the guy I know I'm *going* to marry. We met when we were 14, it started out as an online long distance crush. We met in person and starting visiting/dating/having sex when I was 16, and I moved in with him a few months after that. I'm going to be 19 in a couple months now and he's still the only man that I've ever been with and we have a great relationship. While we've decided that we won't get married until I'm out of college, I know that he's the one for me, and I'm glad that I chose him. When I was 16 before I met him, I had a boyfriend who wanted to have sex with me. He pressured and pressured me and finally came over one night and fed me a ton of bullshit about how he fell in love with me, and I still wouldn't have sex with him. Needless to say he left me house and never called me again. He was out of HS so I didn't see him. I know I would have regretted giving my virginity to him. But my current boy is perfect for me, and always has been, and I love knowing that he's been my only one.
I'm proud of you and your decisions. :) And I can relate...without the 'marriage' stipulation.
Great last lines.
Very interesting perspective.
Ha. Greatest sexless relationship... I've had one of those. But they never end nicely; you want to know where it's going and if you can be with the person wholly, without restraint or certain obstacles... otherwise, you're left wondering, as you are now about whether you should have "experimented" or experienced more.
That's why it's prudent, for me, to just never allow an attraction or crush to develop into full-blown sexual feelings when I know there's someone in particular I want to be with. I never want to have that wondering, and I feel bad for you that you're doubting your decision to wait! I hope you become comfortable with it eventually, if it really bugs you; if it's just a wondering, then... thanks for sharing this perspective, it is quite interesting.
To be honest I don't see your marriage lasting if you keep on like this. You sound like you are crushing a little too hard on an unanswered question and if you spend too much time regretting the choices you have made, when that question gets asked again, by someone else you are having an emotional affair with (and there will be someone else, because life puts that temptation before us constantly and since you don't seem to see the problem with where you are allowing yourself to go mentally, you will have another "work husband" or something similar) and next time you won't tell yourself no because you clearly regret saying no last time. And then you will get a divorce, and then you will have all the freedom in the world to gain experience.
My unasked for advice: focus on all the reasons you are lucky to be with the one you are with and make the decision to only have room in your heart and your head for him.
You may miss out on a variety of bodies and sexual styles, but something you won't miss out on is knowing each and every time that this intimacy between you and your husband is the deepest, most meaningful act you can ever share. If you want to know what it is like to experience new things, do it crazy places, or new positions, spontaneously, create memories you two can share and no one else will ever understand.
i've never been ashamed of sex, and i was not raised to see it as something to save until marriage. who would want to end up married to someone that is completely incompatible in bed? i've only had sex with five people, and all of them were spectacular in their own way. and the fifth one is the one i'm with right now and hope to marry :)
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - same, I don't see why it's anything be ashamed of!
Whatever works! I am not married but I've only slept with one man...my still current boyfriend. We had been dating over 2 years by the time we had sex (we were both 17). We were both ready by that point and it was really special. Awkward as hell, but who's first time isn't? Haha. I'm glad we waited that long and I think it's part of the reason we're still together.
When I originally began the blog, I wanted to chronicalize my early twenties as TiniGirl. The reason for so much Work husband in the mix is because he was apart of that. I wanted to give everyone a sense of how I felt at the time. I met my husband in between 23-24, and while I can't say its been perfect, because nothing ever is, we packed enough heat into our relationship without crossing the virgin line. I knew I wanted to be with him. Granted our first few months of marraige weren't easy as we were hit with a devestating blow in the first couple of weeks, so it took us a little time to get back into our honeymoon ways. But we weathered the storm and have been together almost 4 years this October. We have an almost 3 year old and we love her to bits. I am so blessed to have had my husbband pursue me the way he did, be as open with his heart as he was. He didn't worry about his job, he didnt worry about his friends. It was about me and him.
Back to what I started saying, I was chronicalizing my early twenties to lead into how I met my husband and now.
I have my moments, but they are just secret thoughts, nothing more.
I was raised with no sexual relationships before marriage rule too. I do see sleeping with someone a sacred act, so it should only be shared with that one person that you will spend the rest of your life with. I always enjoyed the idea of only having one sexual partner because it's pure and true. I don't quite understand other people's curiosity of sleeping around to "experiment." I find it disturbing, but that's me. It's a difference in culture and preference, I guess. I've made my choice though and I don't stray from it.
If your mind hasn't been blown yet, then yes, you're missing out. There are several ways to have your mind blown, but the two most common are having hot, wild, crazy, passionate (and naughty) sex, and the other way is to have hot, wild, crazy, passionate (and ultra-connecting) sex.
Being a person who has had both, I can tell you that you'd know it once you had it. And it's entirely possible to have with your one guy, too. You just have to be open and communicative and know what you want.
@individually_surveys@xanga - @too_pretty_to_die@xanga - agreed.
@individually_surveys@xanga - @too_pretty_to_die@xanga - Agreed
Interesting!
As a married twentysomething who stayed all virginated until marriage, I find it so fascinating to read about the experiences of others who made similar choices.It can be hard to start off a marriage with a tough blow like you said in your comment. Sounds like you are doing well, though, and were mainly reminiscing.
For us, while we thought the sex was excellent and hot from the honeymoon onward (we were both virgins) it took over a year for us to become really familiar with sex and consistently "good" at it. After that the sex sort of moved up to a higher, better level. The freedom of not having children is an advantage, though. It allows us to be a little more adventurous and spontaneous (and spontaneous sex has the potential to be the most amazingly, shockingly mindblowing in my experience) than I imagine we would be otherwise. I do not imagine that I could ever possibly have (or have had) better sex with a different person. (Maybe we're just compatible. We both do have very similar approaches to sexuality.) I can't offer any advice or anything, because hey, I've been married for slightly less time than you, and I am not to your stage in life yet, having no kids. Maybe that mindblowing experience you occasionally ponder is just around the corner, though (with husband)!
I quote Andy Warhol; "The most exciting thing is not doing it. If you fall in love with someone and never do it, it's much more exciting."
I understand your feeling :) But seriously I think you would find, as I'm sure I would that it wouldn't have been as great as you thought.
@DistantStarlight@xanga - Thank you for understanding me (that I was mearly reminiscing) ! :)
I enjoyed reading your perspective on remaining a virgin until marriage.
This was a great read! Kudos on being interesting and writing about something so personal so honestly.
This might be my favorite post I've ever read on Datingish...or any of the Ish sites for that matter.
Personally I never thought sex was very important, although I did wait until I was almost 20 to have sex. Even then I didn't have high expectations, I decided to just take it for what it was.
I really love that you wrote this: "But I'll always wonder if I missed out on something...mind blowing." because I always wonder if people who save themselves til marriage always have a nagging feeling that they sort of wish they'd experienced more.
The reason I wonder it is because I'm dating someone who I want to marry, and he told me that he's only slept with 6 people, and I've slept with 10. And while I definitely kissed some frogs, I feel like the only reason I'm really comfortable settling down with him forever is because I know now that I'm not missing anything. I've already experienced what I needed to to get me to this point. And I had a relationship that lasted for two years, a few years ago, but even while I was with him and felt like I was in love with him, I knew I'd want to sleep with other people before I settled down.I don't feel like the whole "whore" stigma ever really influenced me and I feel like you only live once and I wanted to experience people...and I did.
So it's interesting to see the other perspective.
Also one of the guys I slept with was shaped very much wrong for me, he was too thick and I stopped dating him and sleeping with him because it hurt so much to have sex with him. I always sort of wonder if people who wait until marriage to have sex ever have problems like that because I could not imagine ending up stuck with someone like that without knowing first. It would have been horrible.
@yourmywonderwallquotes@xanga - good for you, don't regret about waiting and picking the right person.