Saturday, 16 April 2011
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She Wants Less Time Together
I've been "dating" my girlfriend for just over 2 months; we're long-time acquaintances (almost 5 years). She got out of a bad relationship in December with a jealous, controlling guy, and we started dating in late January. Things were so great at the beginning, we saw each other a lot (4-5 times a week, for several hours). This was likely because we were already comfortable with each other as friends, but we were cautious to not push sex right away (2.5 months in, still haven't had sex).After the first few weeks, she asked to slow it downbecause she wants to get it right and develop at a proper pace, so I was ok with that (kind of). Since then we've seen each other less and less. She makes less effort to hang out with me or see me. But note that she did take on a new shift that is the opposite of mine, so during the week hanging out is far more difficult than it previously was. She bought a new puppy, too. She works until 10 PM, and I start work at 9 AM. This also makes weekdays including Fridays pretty much impossible as I get up at 6 AM on Saturday mornings.
2 weeks ago she said she wanted some time to herself to be with her friends, family, and puppy. She always talked about how she never got her "single" time between relationships and it was tearing her up. She cancelled our upcoming date and said that she just needed time to herself.
So for a week we didn't really talk at all, pretty much "no contact." Then we went out for a coffee and had the most serious discussion we've ever had- pretty much whether to move on or continue. We discussed things like how I felt like a rebound, but wasn't, etc. After an hour of talking, she told me that I'm the guy for her, and that she isn't looking for dating, but for long term and sees it with me.
But I need to be patient and let her get back to a place where she can take on a serious relationship. She cried a bit, but said that she just wants some time to herself. I care for her a lot, always have, and agreed to slow things down further, limit contact a bit, and hang out once a week for the next few weeks.
At this time she gave me the parking FOB to my building back. So same thing for another week, no contact as I was just giving her space. She sent me a text one night to see how I was, but that was about it.
Yesterday was her birthday. She didn't invite me out with the family to her birthday dinner. She also instructed me not to buy her anything at all, so I just got her a card. She invited me out to meet her sister after dinner, then came over to my place for a couple of hours to watch a movie, then took off.
And finally, she has told me for the next while with our arrangement to not plan any dates or dinners, but that we'll just "hang out" once in a while instead. When I asked her what we were now, she said we're still dating, just not seeing each other as much, and that she feels more relaxed that way.
What the heck is going on here? I was thinking she might be seeing someone else, but with me meeting more of her family, it seems that unless she has no shame, that's not likely.
Maybe I'm overreacting and should just let her have her space for now?
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- From: TKCerbs
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Comments (51)
Sounds like you are a rebound....I mean...a month after a relationship like that? It takes time to get over those things. I say break it off...Let her have her single life and when shes ready she can talk to you about it again. BUT! Don't sit and wait around for her either...If you are just a rebound it won't ever workout and you'd waist your time with waiting. At the point I don't think she knows what she wants at all. She says she wants you but shes so torn that she'd prob say that about anyone thats a good boyfriend to her at this point.
Run away as fast as you can, trust me! What's the point in being with someone if you only see each other once in a while? Might as well just be "friends." She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, she'll probably decide for a day that she wants you back and then put up the wall again within a week.
Why are you letting her make all the calls?
Listen, you need to stop her in her tracks.
She wants less time? Give her even less time than that.
She finally wants to hang out in the blue moon of the month? Sorry, you're busy with your own life.
Don't put your life on hold for her.
If taking back yourself a little bit from a pseudo-relationship where she's giving very little of herself to you doesn't make her wake up and see that she can't take you for granted, that will prove she's not worth it.
My advice? Delay your answer to her calls/texts. Ignore some of them. Hang out with other girls. Live your life without her in it. She knows where you stand with her, so if she wants to be in your life, she'll tell you. In the meantime, I wouldn't limit myself to her, though I'd make it explicitly clear to her as well.
Tell her that you are not waiting for her.
She just seems to want time for herself to experience what its like be single. Although she isn't, she's trying her best to put herself in a single girl setting while still having you around.
"She always talked about how she never got her "single" time between relationships and it was tearing her up."She wants her freedom but maybe she's scared to be single at the same time. She gets the comfort of knowing you'll be around when SHE needs you but gets to do her own thing at the same time. It seems very unfair to you. Although she probably isn't doing this to intentionally play games, its obvious you both want two different things right now. You probably shouldn't let her continue to drag you along, it's not fair to you at all. You might let her because you have deep feelings for her but that's ultimately your choice. She can't have it both ways. She either wants to be in a relationship or not.Oh dear, this reminds me so much of what my sister pulled on her rebound guy. She dated a psychopath for four years. He was controlling and manipulative and she was in a very vulnerable state. Finally when she had the courage to break up with him, she started dating a long time family friend within a week. She was never over the control freak, but she knew he was horrible for her and this sweet guy who was her saviour made her feel safe and happy. As her sister I was so grateful for his existence. If it wasn't for him hanging out in the living room when the psycho came over and begged for her back I know--and she has admitted--that she would have let the psycho come back into her life. But the truth is, the rebound guy, as sweet and perfect as he was, was always just her saviour, her best friend, and she didn't ever have romantic feelings for him, even though she loved him very much, it was never like that. So because he saved her and she loved him she felt obligated to be in a relationship with him, even though I got to hear all the time how exhausting it was to hang out with him, and how he annoyed her, how she needed so much space (a ridiculous amount, just like your girl is demanding) that he was unwilling to give.
Now the catch, they dated for a year. She broke up with him and within a week she was dating her future husband. What I didn't know until very recently was that she had been very interested in her now husband, and "pseudo-dating" him as far as she could without feeling too guilty for the last 6 months of her relationship with rebound guy. I don't know if rebound guy ever found out what had been happening, but I know he was heartbroken when she ended things. he never understood that she NEVER loved him like that, she just needed him. And when the need for him was gone, she stayed with him out of a sense of obligation and gratitude for his friendship and love when she had needed it the most.
I know this is a really long story, but the point of it is, she is just using you, not out of maliciousness, only out of need, and now that she doesn't need you anymore she is probably keeping you around because she is a nice person who doesn't want be ungrateful. As for the "long term" part, a lot of that is carried over from her expectations in her last relationship. A lot of times when girls go from a really long relationships where they were imagining marriage and forever they just automatically transfer that over to their next relationship because those are still the things they want and since they are with you, well why not?
Good luck, don't get your heart broke. Just remember, actions speak louder than words and her actions are telling you that she doesn't really want you in her life.
@reesa14@xanga - Pretty spot on.
I think she means well but she doesn't understand what this is doing to you and isn't putting into perspective how unfair it is to your side. You need to bring up that this is making you feel neglected and that if she wants her single time she needs to take time to be single and not use you whenever she feels like it.
Best of luck!
You're the convenient guy. You're there when she needs/wants you, but she's made it clear she isn't going to return that attention to you. If you are not getting what you need out of your relationship, you need to communicate that to her. It's not fair to you, and you will end up resenting her.
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http://www.shoes4world.com/
"still dating, just not seeing each other as much" is contradictory and it is more like an on-call non-bootycall
she calls you when she feels like it and she knows that you like her, so you'll probably hang around and patiently wait at the pace that she is comfortable with, yet it is like dating an invisible person because you have opposite schedules and can barely see each other. if you really like her, then it is your choice to wait for a turnaround. since you've known each other for 5 years, it is a good foundation to start a relationship on good friendship, so that would understandably be difficult to just let go and find someone else to start new. I think you're in her comfort zone due to your friendship, so she wants to hold onto you while she takes time to figure things out, which is fine. however, I think there should still be a reasonable time limit because it would be unfair to keep the other person metaphorically hanging by a thread as they are anxiously waiting. she is comfortable with this arrangement, but now it is about whether or not you are comfortable with it...if not, then talk to her about it.
my ex had a pet and I didn't talk to him for a while, but when I messaged him, he didn't respond. later he said that he was busy hanging out with his pet. if he would rather spend more time with his pet, then why string me along? lol I'm not saying neglect his pet, but I felt insulted that we barely got to spend time with each other and when he has time, he didn't even fit me into his busy schedule, and he lives with his pet, so it isn't like he can't see his pet everyday
I eventually got tired of it and after there was little effort on his side to make things work when I tried to communicate, I just plain out forgot about him and we gradually drifted apart and broke up. his pet wasn't the main reason, but he put up this wall and I felt like he kept things from me when he was supposedly busy. he had issues that he had to resolve, so I think she also needs to resolve those inner conflicts before dating and putting another person's feelings on the line.
I'm sorry but I really think you're the rebound. You showed her some guy would still want her. I hope I am wrong. Going slow would (IMO) still include seeing each other in person and talking as friends would. Good luck! I hope it goes well for you. (I also firmly believe most girls have a rebound after every relationship ends.)
It sounds to me like she's scared to be single, but she also doesn't want a relationship. She's probably not used to being single, and so she's trying to get the best of both worlds - and you're letting her! My advice would be to end things. You're obviously a rebound for her, and it's just going to end up with you getting really hurt. What's the point in being with someone if you only "hang out occasionally" and have "pretty much no contact" - that's not a relationship, that's friends with benefits at the most! I'd leave before things get messy and before someone gets their heart broken,
She doesn't appear to really want to be in a relationship. And since relationships require two people, and she is not really making much of an effort, don't let your life revolve around her. If she wants space, give it to her. Do your own thing, focus on spending your newfound free time how you want to, and if she really wants to be with you, she'll come around. If she doesn't, then just move on.
It's quite obvious to me that you two aren't on the same page. I don't think she's ready for a relationship, but she's not quite interested in being single either. She wants a relationship when it suits her, it seems. Maybe it's not quite like that and she's not intentionally trying to hurt you. If she only wants to hang out "occasionally," don't waste your time. However, you need to let her know where you stand. It's nice to care about her and all, but you have to take care of yourself also. There's nothing selfish about that; you're a human being who has needs, too. You deserve someone who is mutually interested in a relationship with you and is mentally, physically, and emotionally able. I don't want to call her evil or anything, but at this point you're going to wind up getting hurt if you stick around.
Welcome to the world of how women think and act.
It's aggravating, illogical and irrational. However, you just have to accept it for what it is and learn to counter it in the best way possible. It sounds like you've been needy of her from the beginning by wanting to see her for several hours 4 to 5 days per week when it's obvious you could have been doing more stuff with your life (speaking from her perspective). The problem is you're not sparking electricity with her. You need to man up and take control. SHE should be the one writing an article like this; not you. You need to create tension. Whenever she says she wants to hang out, tell her you're busy, but surprise her later.
For more info on this, I suggest you read some of David DeAngelo's stuff. Mr L Rx I heard is really good too, but I haven't gotten around to reading his book yet.
Are you sure you are not talking about ME? I mean this is pretty much what I am saying and doing to my most recent boyfriend. I want it, but not so much. Basically I'll translate this for you. You've been put on hold. Every little while a recorded voice will come on telling you that your call is important to us and will be answered shortly, all operators are busy serving other customers. You can hang on the line as long as you like, and you may eventually get a real person and some service, or you might not.
She's keeping you in a holding pattern because she kinda sorta likes you, but kinda sorta wants to play the field. Don't hold your breath. If I were you I would take all of the above advice, and get on with your life. Do NOT expect to pick this up again, and be way careful about responding to her calls and sudden enthusiastic moods, because they will lift you up for 24 hours and she will set you right back down.
She is not doing this on purpose or to be mean. She's messed up, wants one thing one day another the next, but that doesn't mean you need to stick around and let her play out her drama on your heart. Sorry, but trust me, she is a loose cannon right now and you are placing yourself right in the line of fire.
I would just live my own life if a guy ever did that to me. If he didn't want to date, fine, but I'm not going to sit around until the moment is right for them.
You deserve, as does everyone, to be treated with respect. And she obviously does not have any for you. If she did she wouldn't call you out of the blue and play with your emotions by saying you guys could be long term but for now she's just having a good time being by herself.
Why are you waiting around like a fool for her? Are there not MILLIONS of other people in this country? I'm sure there is at least one more female out there who would treat you way better.
I understand she is a friend and you two have history in that respect but in my opinion that is all it is and that is all it ever will be. She is unsure of her feelings and if she doesn't feel intense like for you now then she won't later.
She's feeding you a bunch of bullshit and it's a shame that you are eating it. . . Have some respect for yourself and move on. YOU tell her how it is
This all sounds really clingy.. If you actually WANT to stick around, until she's ready, than that's your choice. But, you're going to have to leave EVERY move up to her.
I need way more reassurance in a relationship then hanging out once in a while. Definitely wouldn't be okay with me. Give her some space for sure, but take that time to figure out if she's really worth waiting for.
@RebekahNunn@xanga - I'm not sure how. He's done everything she told him to do.
OP:
End things. It's not going to get any better for you. I've been a rebound girl and I know how it is. Leave while you can.
she's damaged goods. if you meet enough girls like her, you'll learn to avoid them.
You have been replaced by a dog who now gives her the comfort and affection she needs to get over her last BF. As a girl above said your on hold, she was using you, and now just wants you around to talk when its convenient to her. You are probably a kick-ass guy and deserve way better than to be someones ego-boost. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt and driven the fuck away. Be her friend by all means, but your emotions do not need to be on the line.
Get out of there TKCerbs. Get... Out... OF... THERE!
maybe she just needs some space. after going through something she went thru, i believe she's scared to really commit or hold on to something else. i went through the same thing with my last ex and it's hard to trust again. just give her some time, she'll come around, if you chase her, she'll leave.
this website is very good, you can go and see it
http://www.shoes4world.com/
She wants to show you the door and is breaking it to you gently.