Friday, 15 April 2011
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Actions Speak Louder Than Words
I believe it to be true, and last night was evidence of that. My boyfriend and I were in fighting hell (yes, the crying from both sides, screaming, throwing stuff around and just being depressing all around). I guess the reason for our fighting isn't too terribly important but it had to do with me feeling like I didn't love my boyfriend anymore. (I guess when I have moods that go from up to down so many times, it's hard to exactly pinpoint how I really feel about something.) Not to mention, I felt like I was drifting from him and from everyone else.That I may have misjudged my heart.
Of course, I had a nice mixed episode of mania and depression, so the outcome was bad at all turns. Of course, I said things that were hurtful and mostly directed to myself, which hurt him a lot (he really does love me and does care. So you can imagine the pain of it all) but somehow through it all while trying to convince myself of being a bad girlfriend and somehow (yeah, I have bad self esteem. Consider it the effects of bullying and abuse for most of my life and it's hard to really fix it) he manages to scrap his elbow very badly against something sharp and he's bleeding very badly.
So without thinking, I tended to him. I was caring and loving towards him. Though he accidentally hurt himself again (this time by angrily hitting the closed door with his body and falling), I took care of him, being by his side and even he pointed this out to me. Apparently, my actions were proving otherwise and were really speaking what my heart meant. My actions were betraying my words.
Afterwards, we talked about it and even apologized to each other. I guess I really did love and care for him but I was afraid I was hurting him by my own actions (intended or not) and I didn't want that. He's the last person in the world that I want to hurt because he does everything for me and doesn't expect anything back and to me. That's beautiful. But I did choose him, I did choose to be with him out of other guys I could have been with and there was a reason. I really do care and love him. I think I always have and he saw it through my actions.
My words were deceiving by best.
Have your words ever matched your actions or has it been the complete opposite? What did you do about it?
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- From: Hinase@xanga
- About Me: I'm just a weird, crazy and creative person to the max ;P
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Comments (12)
this doesnt sound like a healthy relationship... at all.
this sounds like my relationship 0_0
it sucks you tend to feel like the villain in all this & my bf sounds like yours he's very caring & i can't believe he still sticks around after what i do & say.I also tend to think i don't care about him at the moment of the fightbut when my madness is gone i feel so attached & regretful as we apologize. I'mtrying to change my ways though not let it get to that level, i feel like i have a triggerso i'm trying to bring it down because i love him very much. I hope you can work it out& your bf gets better
it had been the complete opposite for me on several occasions, and i've always wondered if i just did so out of guilt, sympathy, or something else entirely. but yes, actions do speak louder than words.
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What I do is, I determine my feelings based on a logical thought process. Then I match both my actions and my words to what I've determined to be true.
It's not dramatic, but it is exciting, because I always know exactly what I want, and if it is right for me. It was hard to train myself to be this way, but it's worth it.
I think it is usually an automatic impulse reaction to care for someone bleeding unless they are murderers lol physical injuries can be healed, but emotional pain takes more time and sometimes, it doesn't really heal because the emotions may resurface. if the person means a lot to me, then his/her hurtful words, usually stay with me and I resent them, if I felt that it was unjustified. I'm indifferent towards these people now.
@ShirleyD@xanga - It is. It may not sound like it because I'm bipolar but there is a lot of good in this relationship. I rarely have these explosions anymore. I direct you to this post. It might give you more insight. And it's hard to really judge a relationship just from one post. Don't worry, I feel horrible about the things I do, and apologize. I just feel like I'm not worth it because of my bipolar. Not mention, that fighting is normal in a relationship. Can't be all rainbows and sunshines.
@ohhpanicc@xanga - Thanks ;) Yeah, I'm trying to change myself..though it's very hard to. Since I require medication to calm me down and I don't have any money for it. =_________=; so it is how it is. My bf understands this.
that sorta action is not healthy no matter how understanding you two are of each other--- you might wanna check up on that.
As for the topic, sometimes i find myself terribly angry with friends but i'm still calm around them and make them feel comfortable probably leading them in the wrong direction
@PeArLii@xanga - Read this post to understand more.
Unfortunately, I'm bipolar, so I can't really control my moods without
medication. This is nothing in short of how I was years ago with people.
I've calmed all the way almost but of course being bipolar and unable
to afford medication..I'm left with no choices. I'm afraid.
OP:
I was sure that I gave hints that I'm bipolar through the text =__________= ; hints of mania and depression. Sigh. I know it's not healthy because it's a mental disorder..and those are never healthy but I think people shouldn't be thrown away because they have them. It takes some time learning and I do have a bit of that to go through. It's fine. It's like what my aunt says. I'll grow and understand it more when I get older. It's only gotten worse in the last few weeks. Mania, has anyhow.
i've done it before and i've felt so bad afterwards. i say, maybe instead of saying anything first, think about it first. i know it's so hard to do but that way, you're not hurting anyone else, especially yourself.
@superGchik@xanga - That's the only problem. I don't have too much control over myself. Having bipolar, I don't have the full control all the time. So things do pop out of my mouth, that I don't mean to say or that I black out and don't remember saying anything at all. But when I do have control, I try to be careful. Even still, I apologize for what I've said. Intentional or non-intentional.
I think when someone bleeds right in front of you, you would care/ tend to that person....even if it's a total stranger... It's just human nature to care for people...
If u want to know if u really love ur bf or not, don't analyze ur actions (or a single action) or listen to someone else's interpretations of ur actions... This may sound corny but just ask ur heart if u really love him, and u'll just know... U won't have to think about it :)