Thursday, 14 April 2011
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Did I Do the Right Thing?
I’m sitting in the center of the cafeteria watching people pass me by, walking to their classes, their rooms, houses off campus, or off to a meeting. All the while I can’t help but look up to see if my crush is walking past me. A few weeks ago I started dating this guy that I was talking to for a month earlier. I felt he had potential to be someone I could seriously consider but after a week of dating and a couple of cuddling sessions later, I realized there was more on his mind and he wouldn’t let me in.When I asked him what was on his mind and where he thought this could be going, he panicked and ran away, saying that he wasn’t on the same page as me and he wasn’t ready for something serious. Initially when I asked him what he was thinking I was proud of myself for acting quickly and not wasting time with my own intentions. But now as the weeks have passed and my feelings for him haven’t faded, I wonder if I made the mistake.
If I hadn’t said anything maybe I wouldn’t be sleeping alone, maybe he would have been cuddling in bed with me and he would have let his walls fall down and give me a chance. Or maybe he would have been stringing me along, never opening his heart, constantly talking to other girls and I would be left wondering again, “Did I do the right thing?”.
We talk here and there, he’ll text me out of the blue showing he is thinking of me whether I believe it or not but obviously we aren’t on the same page. For now I guess I will stay his friend, wishing we were something more, wishing he would let me in but I can’t help but feel frustrated and fully unsatisfied.
Did I do the right thing?
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About the Author
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- From: CarlyPaige
- About Me: Currently I am a college student studying English and Education. A true monogamist, I have only had 2 serious boyfriends but have been single for 2 years. The dating scene in college is complicated to say the least and here I will share with you my experiences, my friends experiences, both past and present as an example of what to do when confronted with awkwardness, confusion and love.
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Comments (49)
Sounds to me like you did looks like he was looking for an out to me
I want that girls dress in the picture
*thinks*
I guess it depends on what you wanted of this relationship. If you would have been happy with sex for the sake of sex with no strings attached, you probably made a mistake. But if you were looking for serious intimacy, seems to me this wasn't the guy for you.
i think you did. you obviously like him a lot.. but what ya'll would have had, was sex. you would've most likely have gotten attached and ended up way hurt in the end.
You did the right thing.
It might not feel like it, especially because you're frustrated, dissatisfied, and a bit lonely right now, but in the long run, you'll realize it was the best course of action. You made your feelings and intentions known and he balked - either he'll come around and figure out that he feels the same before it's too late or you'll find someone who actually wants to be with you now, as you are, without needing any sort of conditions or a period of introspection and "figuring out himself" before knowing what he wants.
It's tough because it's hard not to take it personally, but sometimes all you can do is just find small things to help distance yourself nominally so it doesn't bother you as much and is on your mind less. The worst thing you can do is wallow in your own misery and the best thing you can do is surround yourself with friends and activities that make you happy.
However, you should stop thinking that you should have settled for not saying anything just so you could keep a warm body in your bed. That type of thinking does nothing but lead to a string of unfullfilling, self-damaging relationships/hook-ups if you're not careful. College can be very hard and very lonely, but it's not worth sacrificing your self respect and confidence.
You did the right thing.
It sucks sometimes, because bad things happen to good people and I'm sure you're feeling like if you had don what was right it wouldn't have worked out like that, but sometimes it takes a long time to bounce back from a relationship, even a short one, if you felt like it was going to become something serious.
I think you did the right thing. It's better to know the truth straight away than get strung along for several weeks by a guy who doesn't want the same thing as you. It might not be the nicest thing in the world right now, but at least you know where you stand.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - agreed
You did the right thing. If he was going to let his walls down with you, he wouldn't have run away when you asked him what was on his mind.
if you did the wrong thing, he will come to you and realize he missed you. me and my current boyfriend were in the same situation, it took 9 months however for him to commit. he said he didnt want anything serious. but we are now together and in love. so its completely up to you, only you can judge this situation.
I'm not sure how old you guys are, but it could be that he's not ready for a committed relationship. Since you've already made a decision, might as well not regret it. You can use this as a future reference for when you date someone else. Actually, some guys don't really plan for the future, they just want to enjoy the moment now. I actually did the same thing you did and about a month into a relationship with my current bf, I brought up a conversation about what kind of relationship I was looking for. He didn't comment much besides saying, "I see." Now, 3 years into our relationship, he confessed that when he had started dating me, he wasn't looking for a serious relationship, he just wanted to date for awhile and see where it goes. But now we're serious. So, it's good that you've confronted him and if running away was his reaction, before you could even voice your thoughts to him, then he probably doesn't know what he wants or that he's not ready to have a serious relationship because that could add on to his current problems (as you've said that he had a lot on his mind). IF you really feel the need to confront and clarify things with him, that's your choice. But if you think it's for the best to leave it as is, then don't linger because you'll be hurting yourself. My point is, whatever you decide, be firm and don't see-saw back and forth.
Girls think about things too much. You didn't know him that long. He was only a crush. If he was looking for an out, he got it. Fck him. Move on.
i think the evidence that you did do the right thing is in that it is later, and he is still not there. if he was ever going to be there, he would be there. he's not, so now you know, and you haven't wasted more of your own time. just work on movin on.
I don't think the information presented here is sufficient for anyone to say whether your choice was the right one.
Honestly, to me, a week seems a bit early to be asking someone if they're ready for something more serious, that kind of pressure is enough to put anyone off. As far as him texting you goes, i think that shows that he's still interested in you, but wants to get to know you without the pressure of being committed into something he's not sure he wants yet (which is perfectly reasonable).Of course this is all speculation, as I'm not the guy whose motives you're questioning. You know. The one you should be addressing these questions to instead of people on the internet. -_-you only dated for a week, so it is the right thing to cut it off quick if you aren't on the same page, than prolong these cuddling in bed sessions, because I personally wouldn't cuddle with a guy in bed unless I wanted to potentially have sex, so the foreplay cuddling could be seen as stringing him along. not saying that people can't cuddle without sex later, but I think he ran away, because he didn't want to tell you the sexual fantasies that he probably had, instead of saying serious things. I don't think that you'd want to hear what he was actually thinking if you aren't on the same casual page.
I think it's neither right or wrong but what you want. It's not true what others say. You can know what you want out of the relationship in just a few weeks or even before. A lot of people can go in it knowing what they want, as I always have and with all the guys I've always dated. He just didn't know what he wanted and it's fine. It's no use sticking in a relationship if they don't want what you want.
Stop wishing and start doing
I believe you did the right thing. You shouldn't waste time on someone who does not want the same things that you do. Eventually, you'll move on and find someone who does want a relationship and is willing to commit.
If you just wanna sleep with the guy, but want get rid of him after you're done, then you certainly did the right thing lol.
Why did you let a guy become physically intimate with you after only one week of dating? That just tells the guy that you're easy, which in most cases, kinda ruins your chance of a serious relationship with him. Sure, he's still texting you. That's because you're one of the many possible "dates" on his list that will give him the goods. Most guys don't just date someone for a week and jump right into the boyfriend/girlfriend mode. Rushing into a relationship is a recipe for failure most of the time. So next time, let the guy know your mind and personalities a little better and vice versa before inviting him into bed with you. If he's worth it, he'll make you feel secure enough that (99% of the time) you don't even need to confront him about where things are going.Â
The important thing is honesty, not just for him but yourself as well. You deserve to be with someone who IS on the same page as you, and at least he was honest as well. Although, I do think you jumped the gun a little fast on the "What are we?" question. You don't build a relationship after one week. Don't sell yourself short. In other words, don't settle for less, because if you do you'll only be miserable in the end. Sure, if you'd said nothing you might still have him in your bed for funky time, but I'm pretty sure you're looking for something more substantial in a partner than just fantabulous sex. I wouldn't waste much time on the guy personally. Don't make him your only means of finding happiness.
I think you did the right thing. A similar thing just happened to me and my former boyfriend. We had been friends for six months and the feelings developed and we ended up dating for six months. I let my walls down, told him after five months that I loved him (mind you, it was even written down) and then he got scared and talked to me about how he doesn't think we're on the same page and he's afraid when he starts grad school in May, we won't work. He wasn't intending on breaking up with me so I made the decision to let him go. It was hard and it sucked and I still wonder if I hadn't have done that if we'd still be together.
But the truth is you don't want to waste your time wondering about the might-have-been. If he wasn't serious about it, you shouldn't have to put up with that and waiting for him to change. I think it was a good idea to do that. If it's meant to be, maybe he'll change his mind and come back. But don't worry too much. It sounds to me like this is guarding your heart better.
You did the right thing. Too often have I seen my girlfriends strung along by guys, thinking that they would eventually make it official as long as they stayed around. And, unlike you, they avoided asking them what their intentions were because they didn't want to scare these guys away.
It takes a lot to ask for clarity. And although doing so has led to you spending your nights alone, at least you have saved yourself from a greater heartache if you had stuck with him and he had left you with no warning. You took control of the situation, and that was the best move you could have done. :)
If your curiosity needed to be satisfied, which it sounds like it did, you didn't do the wrong thing. If he's really that immature that he was scared off this easily, it's good that you know this now.
I however would limit further communication with him. Remember: You have more important things to occupy yourself with than someone who rejected you.
Sounds like he isn't ready for a committed relationship. I think you did the right thing. I mean yeah you could have waited for him to open up, but who knows when that would be? If he is really interested then when he's ready, he'll let you know. But don't put your life on hold waiting for a guy who may never be ready for the kind of relationship you are looking for.