Sunday, 10 April 2011
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Defining 'I Love You'
About a year ago one of my teachers offered up a definition of love I had never before considered. He said that when people say "I love you" what they really mean to say is "I want you to be happy."
But, he went on, too often when people say "I love you" what they really mean to say is: "I want you to be happy as long as you keep doing and saying things that make me happy."
This second definition is known in Buddhism as attachment, which humans endlessly confuse with love. I suppose attachment roughly correlates to conditional love: the kind of love that persists as long as certain secondary conditions (i.e. fidelity/attraction/trust) persist as well.
It follows that true love is unconditional. If I truly want Greg to be happy, then the form of Greg's happiness (and the implications of his happiness for my life) does not matter. If his happiness doesn't include me, it doesn't change the fact that I want him to be happy. I want his happiness, regardless of what that entails.
If you were to tell a Buddhist: "I love them so much, I simply couldn't live without them." They would say: That's not love.
I don't really expect honest answers to this question, because it is so painful to really examine our motives. But maybe you guys will surprise me.
Have you ever confused love with attachment? When you say 'I love you' what do you really mean? If the person you 'love' did something unforgivable or abruptly disappeared from your life, could you still say you loved them?
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- From: ThatBirdisAbsurd
- About Me: I just moved to New York after studying and living abroad for five years in Canada, Europe and India. One amazing thing about being back in America: knowing EXACTLY how to say what you want to say, RIGHT when you want to say it. English makes dating a lot easier.
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Comments (42)
There could have been a time when I confused love with attachment. I believe a lot of people do that. When I say "I love you" that's exactly what I am saying. It also depends on who I say those words to. I could just mean "I care" rather than "love" but, if it's to my boyfriend then "love" is what I mean. I'd never stop loving my boyfriend no matter what. I have been known to still love people even after they have wronged me or disappeared from my life.
I don't agree with the original definition of love presented here.
I don't believe "I love you" is the same as "I want you to be happy."
I believe real love means "I want what is best for you." That doesn't always mean happiness. For instance, for a person dating someone with a serious substance abuse problem or other addiction, real love may mean staging an intervention that makes the other person very unhappy. Parents discipline their children because they love them--It doesn't make the child happy, but it means they will have a much better future.
I believe true love is a lot stronger than wanting another person to be happy--it's selflessly wanting another person to have and be the best they can possibly be, even if that means a temporary drop in happiness.
Love and attatchment are hard to seperate sometimes. Sometimes when I think about my attatchments to certain people in my life I often wonder if when I say "I love you" if its actually what I mean, so I test myself and try and detatch myself by maybe giving myself space or time away from the person I am saying "I love you" to and seeing how that makes me feel. If I feel upset, or keep thinking about the person I said "I love you" to then I know that its real and my feelings are true for that person. There are so many kinds of love. Theres the love that you don't stop giving or feeling to someone no matter how much they hurt you or if their feelings change towards you.
I don't think that just because your love for someone is conditional it makes it any less 'love.' Different types of love exist in all kinds of languages, cultures and religions. Greek comes to mind for me: agape, eros, and philo. Feeling something for just an instant (or any finite amount of time, i.e. when certain conditions exist) doesn't make it any less real.
true love stands the test of time, the test of separation, the test of ups and downs. True love means that you're always on their 'side", willing to forgive & move on, even when faced with anything but ideal conditions. In the end, after going thru hell & back, if you can still tell them, "I want you to be happy, I love you despite it all. I love you because of your blessings and because of your faults, because that makes you... you", that's love.
I really like this definition of love, because in an emotionally healthy relationship, this is how it should be. However, I don't think that it means that if the person leaves you for someone else because they are happier with them that you would be okay with it. In the end, you should want them to be happy no matter what, but this desire is not independent of your own feelings. We aren't robots. We all want to be loved and appreciated, and some feelings of anger or even hatred may come about over a situation like this. That doesn't mean that you don't love them, but in some sense, your love is at least a little bit dependent on how this person makes you feel when you're with them, and you want to be with them. The key is to find a healthy balance between considering yourself and considering the other person in your decisions.
I love people who have hurt me incredible amounts and disappeared from my life to this day. I love people who drive me absolutely up the wall and do things I don't agree with all the time. There is no one in my life that I couldn't live without, but all the people who are in my life make it that much fuller.
@Pickwick12@xanga - I think it is a mixture of both your point, and the posters original definition. Such as "I want what is best for you, and for you too have bountiful happiness in the future".
Great post, Effing fantastic :)
@Footballblogs@xanga - Good point. The eventual result should be the greatest level of happiness.
i really like the definitions you present; they're very interesting. i feel that way when i tell my family that i love them. it's hard to say if i'm entirely unconditional with my love towards my boyfriend. i'll be thinking about that more...
Woooah I was being Buddhist without even realizing it.. Haha I definitely think that if you love someone, you should want them to be happy regardless of whether you yourself is happy or not in the end. I've done that before.. but I also wouldn't admit that I loved him cause he didn't love me back. I also don't believe in love that is one-sided. But for the person I truly love and care for, I'm not scared to sacrifice my happiness for that person.
I think the first time I realized that I truly loved my boyfriend was when he was faced with the opportunity to go back to school and start up his career, but it meant moving states away. I told him that he should go because it was what he wanted and that I wanted him to be happy. I'm miserable without him here, but I'm happy that he's doing what he wants to do.
So, the question I have is, can you love someone for a little while? Or should real love last forever? I had a friend for 10 years who I loved and wanted the best for. She ended up totally screwing me over and really showed the opposite of love to me. I can honestly say now, even though it sounds bad, that I don't want the best for her. I don't think she deserves it. But I don't think that means that I never loved her. But I lost trust in her, and I loved who I thought she was.
Anyway, I have definitely mistaken romantic attachment with love. I would have an amazing few days with the guy I was dating and decide "Wow, I love him", but I realize that love isn't spontaneously just there. Time, trust, and many other things build up to eventually lead to love.
@Two_of_Six@xanga - Agreed
In fact, love is not something we can rationally explain or even define... Humans are imperfect, so is our love.
Unconditional love is a notion that doesn't really make sense. Obviously anyone could do something that could make you hate them, it's just that the person is unlikely to kill and eat your family. Ask a drug addict abut unconditional love and you'll see that everyone has conditions.
@Pickwick12@xanga -
I disagree with you.
I think that love is supporting someone in spite of whether or not you think that what they're doing is best for them. Because really, who are you to tell someone how to live their life?
In terms of disciplining children, a lot of parents will say "It's alright if you hate me. You'll understand when you're older that I'm simply doing what's best for you."
Love is not trying to enforcing your personal values and beliefs onto someone else. Children are not blank slates born to shaped into a mini-version of their parents. They have feeling, thoughts, desires, of their own. They're living, breathing, creatures, not objects. Loving someone is accepting them flaws and all, and not trying to "fix" them or "do what you think is best for them"
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I think that love is seeing someone for who they really are, and loving them in spite of their flaws. Love is standing by someone when things get tough, when it's easier to just walk away.
I think that in today's society the words "I love you" are overused and have thus lost their meaning.
When someone says "I love you" it should mean "I'm willing to die for you". Maybe it's just me, but I think true love is when you're willing to sacrifice everything for that person. (Like in Titanic)
True love is the purest emotion that is beyond any rational explanation. That's why it's beautiful. :)
All The Time, I Have Problems Differentiating Between The Two =/
I Rarely Say "I Love You" Unless It's A Girl I'm After, I Define It As "You Are Perfect, I Want To Be With You Forever"@Cam3llia@xanga - I definitely agree that love includes accepting someone for exactly who they are, flaws and all, but it doesn't always mean turning a blind eye to someone's self-destructive behavior. If I'm doing something that will destroy my life, I hope very much that people around me will love me enough to confront me about it.
A while ago I was going insane because my boyfriend's going away for grad school, no questions asked, and the minimum distance of his choices was 3 hours away. I pretty much thought that was going to be the end of it. He picked a school about 5 hours away, but since his decision I have felt much better about us. I feel as though the real issue was not the distance ("attachment") but rather how hard of a decision it was for him. I'm really happy for him and I know, for now, that everything will be okay.
Interesting. Very true though. And I'd love to have a lengthy response to this.... but I am dead tired.....
In my culture, USA, and in my language American English, the word "love" is used to refer to a number of different things. The term relates to warm fuzzy feelings, strong desire or attachment, obsession, sexual desire. Love can also be a verb.
I'd rather someone love=verb me than love=warm fuzzies me. Love the verb actually doesn't have to have any warm fuzzies involved at all. I witnessed an accident in a torrential rainstorm. I got out and stood in the rain with the victim for 35 minutes until help arrived. That was love in action, but I didn't even know the person. Love is doing the most respectful thing in a situation no matter your personal comfort level. This does not mean you harm yourself necessarily, I am talking about long term good as a priority over short term comfort.
that is love, and it can have dozens of warm fuzzies attached, but it doesn't need to in order to be real. It really doesn't do me a whole lot of good if 40 people spread far and wide think nice things about me if none of them ever picks up a phone or hops on a plane or writes a letter. The feeling called love, is awesome for the feeler, but until it's put into action, it doesn't amount to much.
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love does include attachment, but that's only a small percentage. when you say "i love you to someone" it doesn't just mean you want them to be happy, it means they also make you happy. it means you love them for all that they are, even the bad. you may not like a quality in someone, but then if the person you love has that same exact quality, you would b more tolerant of it with them becuz you love them. "i love you" means "you are my everything". in a way, its attachment, but its so much more than that.
I'm with ccccourage on this one. Love is a lot more about action and a lot less about emotion. Actions speak louder than words. You can say it all you want but if you can't show it, if it doesn't encompass and change your life, it is not love.