Friday, 08 April 2011
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Appropriate or Not: Keeping Half-Naked Photos of an Ex
Dear Datingish readers, I present to you a difficult question: is it okay for your boyfriend/girlfriend to have sexy, almost-naked photos of an ex?Before we get into a debate about this, let me start at the very beginning. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months now, and I know he loves me (which is why this upcoming event boggles my mind). We were studying together for a class a couple of nights ago, and he tells me, "Hey, I think I have the study guide on my flashdrive. You want it?" I tell him yes, so he tosses me the flashdrive and I stick it into my computer.
3 folders pop up, one titled with gibberish, one titled with the name of our class, and one titled "New Folder." Now, I know I should have gone straight to the folder with the name of our class, but something told me to click on the "New Folder." So I did.
At first, the folder seemed to be filled with innocent things. They started as really old pictures of family and grade school friends. The pictures then evolved to high school photos, some of which included photos of his first two exes (yes, I know their faces from Facebook). Photos of the third ex, dressed in a bikini, then popped up, and all of a sudden - BAM! A pair of giant, bare boobs and an ass in a thong filled my screen. That's when it went downhill. The next 20 pictures were of the third ex posing provocatively on a hotel bed and topless, dressed in sexy lingerie/outfits, or just clad in a thong and heels.
After I went through the pictures, I calmly returned the flashdrive without a word. My boyfriend went on studying, completely oblivious to what I had just discovered. And he still is, to this day.
To make the situation sound a LITTLE better, this girl is not a recent girlfriend. He's had a girlfriend after her. Girlfriend #4's relationship lasted 4 years, and he was already broken up with her for 3 years before he started dating me, so to be fair, he's had pictures of Girlfriend #3 for about 7 years. The problem is that I know he STILL looks at these pictures because he makes references to her outfits (which I now understand and didn't previously).
For example, I've always wondered why he wanted me to buy those knee-high socks, or why he likes my plaid skirt so much - SHE HAS THE SAME ONES. I don't even want to think about the possibility of him masturbating to those photos!
So, my question to you, my dear readers, is what should I do? What would you do? Is it considered "normal" and "acceptable" to have sexy photos of an ex while you're in a relationship?
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- From: xxSilverxWingsxx@xanga
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Comments (172)
I say just calmly talk to him about it then see what he says and go from there. Be like "uhhh...whats up with those pictures of your ex on your flash drive?" But to answer your question: No, its not okay...its not normal...
Personally, I think this is a little creepy considering how long it's been since him and his ex broke up. If he was dating her right before he started dating you then I could maybe see him forgetting about the pictures being on the flash drive or something. But they've been broken up for years so there's no real excuse...
I would talk to him and see what he says...especially if he's referencing back to the outfits she use to wear for him.
Talk to him.
I have a friend who is married and still has naked photos on his computer. Him and his wife still look at them and laugh about it.
ommmgg i just died if i saw that!!!! No way id be able to hide my sadness and hurt feelings! Why is it under "NEW folder" like did he just create it? Using them to masturbate would be like a knife to my heart, but he'll prob never admit it to you. im sooooo sorry girl thats just horrible :(((( not okay at allllll.
Talk to him or it will eat at you for the rest of the relationship. If he loves you as much as he says he does, he will delete them because they bother you so much.
haha you might wanan have a talk- glad your a calm girl i would've been flippin shit
I don't see anything too wrong with it. If it was just pictures of her laying around fully clothed would it make the same difference to you? Either way it's something that happened and he has photographic memories of it, so not sure if they should be tossed away just because she's half naked in them.
If you're worried about him masturbating to her, having provocative pics of her or not having provocative pics of her wouldn't really make a difference, he still has memories of her and could always use those if he needed/wanted to. Just talk to him about it, and let him know you don't feel comfortable about it. Or just talk about however it makes you feel and see what he says. He might no look at them often, or even ever. I still remember what an ex from nearly 10 years ago wore, looked like, how she looked naked, etc, and I don't even have a single picture of her. But I like to hold onto memories and seems like if he has a folder full of pictures ranging back from childhood till now he probably does too.
Easy- look at the "last modified" date-on the folder encasing the "new folder". If the folder is old, so is the copy on the flash drive. . .
I think, if he'd been interested in hiding this from you, the pix would have been a little better hidden. He'd probably forgotten that they're there. . .
I wouldn't be okay, but maybe he doesn't know he still has them? You mentioned that they were in a folder with other photos - he probably just never went through everything to delete them. However, I think you should have said something at the time, but it's too late for that - you should talk him if it bugs you, though, because it'll just eat away at you otherwise.
I think you should open up and have a talk with him since it is obviously bothering you. Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable knowing that he still has those pictures and probably still looks at them from time to time - I don't think it's appropriate when he already has you! If he really loves and cares about you, I'm sure he will delete them. If not, I'm afraid you might have to reconsider the relationship... Good luck, girl!
Either your boyfriend fails or they're really not important. If they were super secretive and important to him, he'd have buried them in a folder marked "Spreadsheets" or "Take-Home Finals" and that would be buried within another folder. Or it would have been locked.
I'm the nostalgic type, so I still have my kindergarten group picture that I kept in storage amongst other eventful and random pics
so pictures and whatnot, I'll keep. I mean not just pictures that give one sexual memories, but what if I kept normal pictures of guys in my past that reminded me of particular events, such as birthdays,etc, and I have fond memories as a result of looking at these old pics, then would my significant other ask me to delete those pics, too, because he is jealous and I should delete physical proof of my past to make him feel more comfortable? wouldn't that be invasion of privacy? but even if I did delete them and I'd probably resent him if he guilt tripped me into deleting them, not just the sexy pics but the other memorable pics, I could still think about these people if I wanted to, but it just comes down to trust. if I deeply care about my s.o., then I would want him to trust me that my heart is with him. I'm not sure if I'd be offended or flattered that a bf would be jealous enough to care if I had questionable pics, because my past exes didn't care, probably because they also kept pics
my exes probably still have pics of me and I don't mind, maybe because I'm conceited lol because I know that he shows me off to his friends and they wish that a hot girl made sexy fansigns for them, too
anyway, if it is an addiction, then I'd be worried, but pics that he looks at once in a while, I wouldn't hold it against him because I'm not that innocent either
your situation is different. if you can't forget what you saw and your image of him has drastically changed, then let him know.
how can that be okay
I think that having risque pictures of an
exis a little unacceptable once you're in a new relationship. If it was just anonymous random pictures he got from the internet (like a porn site or something) I'd have no problem but I would feel a little bit worried if I found out he was holding on to pictures of his ex.
Haha I definitely would have said something almost immediately. Of course, my anger goes from 0 to 1000 in like .5 seconds. I would say something to him. I would be a little worried about my boyfriend having pictures of his ex half naked on his flash drive.
I would talk to him. And I think random pics of sexy women off line is ok I guess. But to me, if my fiance had pics of a chick who is his ex on his phone who is half naked I would be furious! but... if you think about it you really had no business snooping on his drive. I mean yes, you had permission to look at the papers but you didn't have any permission for the rest. Don't expect to come out victorious because you will just be showing you don't trust him. and he will have a valid argument. And may he doesn't know what is in that folder. Maybe he just uses it for class ... worst case scenario he is still lusting after his ex and maybe you should consider finding someone who isn't day dreaming of their ex.
I wouldn't be comfortable with it. To me it would seem like he's not over her yet. And if he is, he's probably just holding on to good memories. If you're that uncomfortable with it, I would be too, then just calmly approach him and ask him about it. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and if he doesn't delete them, then I would just deal with it. That's just me though. My main rule in a relationship is if I wouldn't be comfortable if my SO did something, I won't do it myself (i don't know if that made sense?).
I would flip out and there is no way that he wouldn't know about how upset I was. In my opinion, you should tell him you saw them. It'd be a red flag to me personally.
i would be upset, and that would eat at me, until i would not be able to keep it from him and ask him about it.
that's a lot of nudes/racy photos for one guy to have /:. i don't know. you definitely should ask him T__T.
this saddens and possibly worries me.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - i like this answer. and agree!!
Well, i tend to be a little bit more of a bitch than most women so I will tell you what my short temper and I would do....
Sit down for a little talk with him. This is what he would hear from me.....
"The pictures of your exes go.... or I go. Choose."
I see it like this. If hes not still hung up on those girls... ESPECIALLY the one you have the same skirt as... then he'll have no problem getting rid of those pictures. If he refuses, then obviously, he still has feelings for her. Thats not fair to you and you deserve to be with someone who wants YOU and not someone who is with you while probably pretending that youre his ex girlfriend.
wow. i would have been freaked out and made a big scene out of it.
I would be really mad and demand to know why would he still keep these pictures. and i would ask him to delete them because that makes me really sad and i am very bothered by it.
you should definitely talk to him.
If I were you (and yes this has pretty much happened to me), I'd ask him, "so, why do you still have sexy pictures of your ex from like 7 years ago?"
He probably completely forgot about the folder. I don't ever go through my files until I'm out of space, and I often have several "new folders" that are quite old and I had forgotten to ever actually name. I would say check last modified or last accessed date, but if you had just opened them (vs just saw the preview), then those dates just changed to when you opened them.
Maybe she had the same outfits he's suggesting to you, because he likes
those types of outfits and had suggested them to her as well. It would
also make since that if he had wanted her to get the outfit, she likely sent him a pic after she got it in attempt to make him happy.
Just ask. If he's really into you, he'll probably just be embarrassed he never got rid of them. If its something that might be a problem, then maybe hes not really that into you, and you need to know sooner than later.