Wednesday, 06 April 2011

• FASHION MANDATE Volume 1: Cleaning Out Your Closet (Churlish Dating & Fashion Advice for Men)

  This is an experiment I'll be calling "Fashion Mandate"that'll be posted on a monthly basis. It'll be full of sarcasm, humor and genuinely serious articles with sound advice. A little for everyone! Enjoy, and take your time reading, or I'll kill you.

   

  1. 6 WAYS TO LOOK LIKE A DOUCHEBAG AND REPEL VAGINAE

  Women fawn over gay men all the time. They'll go to gay bars just for the eye-candy, wondering why their current boyfriend can't adhere to some sort of skincare regimen or at least keep their fingernails from looking like they were French tipped with ashtray dirt and otherworldly shit. These men know how to dress well and have way more style than just doggy unlike your average male.

  Don't give me that shit about how men are supposed to be unkempt, Robin-Williams-hairy, and dressed with the wrinkled remains that survived alongside roaches from the prehistoric "garb age." Being stylish and keeping your skin from lunar-like cratering isn't exclusive to women, nor is it a sign of homosexuality. However, looking like ass is a disease without the tongue-in-cheek fun.

  Men, avoid the following:

  A) Puka Necklaces

  
  You know the ones. They originated in Hawaii, and were intended to be a symbol of peace and safe voyages. These days, they're sported by frat boys who seemingly dorm at Aeropostale and Hollister (normally places you want to avoid if you prefer not looking like a douchenstein). "Puka" may as well be synonymous with "puta" because the urge to bitch-slap rises when they're in my field of vision.

  Men, wearing these necklaces is just as bad as tying a spiked collar around your neck. For one thing, they both provoke my bitchin' bilingual vocabulary in the most offensive of ways. It's never going to be flattering on you, or any other guy. Women regularly force their boyfriends to burn them in the incinerator due to their embarrassing nature. In rare cases, said boyfriends are also thrown into the fashion-forward Darwinian flames of justice to burn like a "broman candle" in the night.

  The next time you see a drunken frat fuck dilly-dallying with a puka on his neck, make sure to rip it off harder than students with college textbooks in the Internet age.

  B) Stretched Ears
  

  
  I'm not aware of any rituals aside from sucking corporate cock in America, so it's safe to assume that men who stretch their ears do it for no reason other than earlobe sex. Now, since I can't really imagine any man deriving pleasure from getting his stretched lobes penetrated, I have to wonder why it's even being done at all outside of actual tribes.

  Resembling fucking Siddhartha won't get you any favors. Maybe if you had a time-machine, but you're stuck in the present and won't have a future when you're rejected at your job interviews- Wendy's and the local zoo aside. Why? Because when you decide to take those plugs out, your ears will remain stretched, looking like diseased, enfeebled onion rings as you age and wrinkle like a prune.

  Who's going to take you seriously with a body modification that can't be hidden? In an ideal world, we would all judge character and nothing more... but that isn't the case. If you can't hide that deformity, your chances of landing a good job will lower. Just having psychiatric help in your background will put you in the back of the line, so imagine being depressed and having infants hula-hoop with your ears. That's a sad life.

  C) Fitted Hats With the Sticker Still On

  
  Maybe you work for New Era and want to advertise, but I highly doubt that's the case with you pants-sagging-off-ass raggamuffins. If you're trying to show off how wealthy you are for owning a $30 hat, it's even worse than I imagined. It's usually great to show some form of value in the way you present yourself to women, but wearing your Yankees cap with a gold sticker on it is either a sign of laziness or you've yet to be weened off of those gold stars you used to get in Kindergarten, which you most likely never finished.

  One step forward and two steps back, it seems. Now that those fitted caps are being worn properly without the bill having a Clinton era hard-on, you're keeping the damn sticker on it. If you're going to do that, you might as well forget even sporting a hat. If you haven't lost your hair already, take it off before you do, because women don't dig receding hairlines.

  Remove those New Era stickers, slap it on your asses, and follow said advice.

  
  D) Collar Popped Polos

  
  Nothing screams asshole more than a popped collar or two on a guy. The more collars you pop, the higher up you go on the douche-o-meter. Polo shirts on their own can be decent depending on who's wearing it and the color, but once you start unbuttoning and perverting the art of wearing shirts, it becomes a menace to women everywhere.

  The reason why it becomes a menace is because the popped collars on a polo shirt resemble really worn out vaginal lips. The last thing women want is the image of a guy's head being swallowed by a vulva. It should be the other way around, no? To make matters worse, some guys even wear pink polos. Imagine that.

  

  E) Tripp Bondage Pants

  
  In case you're unaware, I'm referring to those really baggy pants riddled with zippers and long chains. You know, the one that your typical "mall goth" will buy at Hot Topic to go along with their The Nightmare Before Christmas hoodie. This may be the worst possible thing for men (hell, anyone) to wear. There's absolutely nothing practical about having non-working zippers, bondage straps and the neighborhood's chainlink fences tied down to a pair of parachute pants. That's essentially what it is.

  Better yet, the base pants are pretty much an "alternative" version of JNCO's if you remember that fashion disaster. At least JNCO's didn't burden anyone with unnecessary bullshit flying all over the place. The only positive thing I can say about these pants is that due to the large size, they sometimes drag across city streets and sweep up the garbage to a place that feels more like home.

  If I had the power to ban any fashion trend, this would be right at the top of my list next to Kanye West glasses and wolf t-shirts. You guys may be able to find a couple of cokeheads to slip under each pant leg, but once they've finished the job, you'll be wearing an even worse fashion statement called VD.

  F) Vibram Five Finger "Shoes"

  
  These shoes basically look like foot gloves; that's the best way to describe them. Unless you're going to work those toes under the table in miraculous ways with your date, dump them in Lake Erie to rot with the fishes and bumpkins. I'd much sooner wear "mandals" with socks, which doesn't say much for either because euthanasia precedes both.

  I understand that they're made mostly for exercise, rock climbing, and striking out at first base, but I've seen plenty of guys casually wearing them with a look of superiority upon their faces. See here buddy, the stares you're getting aren't of envy - they're pity stares. If you really wanted to be manly and walk around like evolution intended, you'd go plain barefoot, pussy.

  Find me a girl who thinks these shoes are sexy, and I'll find you an honest politician. Until then, I refuse to participate in this fashion tragedy.

   

  2. WHY WOMEN LOVE SUSPENDERS AND TUXEDOS

  
  Of all the clothing choices available for men, there's one that you can never go wrong with: the tuxedo. James Bond rocked it, Al Pacino killed it as Tony Montana in Scarface and Christian Bale made women uncomfortably horny in American Psycho. Have you noticed a trend? All the bad-asses wear tuxedos on film and in the case of James Bond, he has the personality to go along with it.

  James bond is suave, well-groomed, speaks with a lower, calm, sexy tone of voice and women love it. As you can see, the tux has a great reputation behind it. There's nothing more respectable and attractive than a well-dressed man in a tailored suit. As a good reference or starting point, I suggest all men watch the old James Bond films and try to emulate his sexier characteristics.

  That's not to say that you should be fake, but it's great practice and a lot of fun pretending to be a babe magnet until you get shot down at a bar for getting your drink stirred, not shaken. Don't fuck up your lines, or you'll end up cutting in line out of desperation, if you know what I mean.

  

  Now suspenders, they're similar in the sense that they're categorized as business attire along with the aforementioned James Bondage. You can get creative and wear the suspenders with different outfits, but ideally you want it over a white dress shirt. Believe me, when a woman sees you in your suspenders, she'll fantasize about pulling you towards her in bed by the straps and proceeding to violate you.

  Suspenders just have this really sexy appeal because they're made for dress clothes, traditionally to hold up your pants, but they also conjure up images of bondage and kinky sex. You simply can't go wrong with owning a couple in different colors. Just make sure you have one in black and carry an extra bottle of lube, because you never know what that crazy woman is into, nor does your anus.

  
  3. TIGHT PANTS FOR THE STRAIGHT MAN

  
  Not every guy can pull off tight pants. As a matter of fact, I see more peg-legged manorexics walking on what seems like stilts than guys who can work the look. As a rule of thumb, you should avoid muffin-topping with tight pants if you're overweight or Skeletor's close relative. I'm looking right at you, scene kids.

  Here's another tip, guys: Do NOT wear tight pants if your ass can double as an ironing board. For the love of God, stay away. I always cringe when I see unfortunate, ass-less souls walking around looking like they got a chunk bitten off by a rabid hobo-dog while the mailman was away. One of the perks of wearing tight pants is that it can accentuate your masculine booty, but you won't reap the benefits with flat-ass genetics.

  Now that we've gone over some basics, I have to point out that tight pants do not equal girl pants. I understand that some guys will raid their sister's closet for a pair of skinny jeans, but I can't for the life of me understand it. For one, you won't have much crotch room, so your balls are either atrophied or fell victim to cancer. Which is it?

  They make perfectly comfortable, tight, stretch jeans with all the crotch room necessary to keep yourself from becoming sterile and sad. I have to say, wearing these particular jeans will sometimes rival the comfort of my looser fitting pants. Just make sure they're at least 2% spandex (lycra is a type of spandex as well). If you purchase a pair of men's jeans with that added to the fabric blend, you'll be popping boners with ease all day, which is sure to catch all the wrong attention.

  At the expense of sounding a little biased, I think the look mostly works on punks and 80's rocker-types.

  
  4. MAN ON MAN JEALOUSY

  You always hear all of this "Bros Before Hos" garbage and it leads one to believe that men are more unified than women. While it may seem like that on the surface, men are just as competitive when it comes to women and territory. Yes, it's no secret that guys can be really territorial, but don't be surprised when bromances end over the so-called "ho."

  It's actually difficult for me to find genuine male friends because usually when I meet other guys, they immediately get defensive especially if they're a girlfriend's male friends. This type of jealousy is absurd, and I sometimes end up feeling like Paul Rudd's character in I Love You, Man because pretty much all of my friends are female aside from a few dudes. Fuck that shit, bro.

  Jealousy is a sign of insecurity and weakness, so if you're planning on being jealous over a girl, remember that you're only making yourself look worse with these tactics.

  
  

  5. ADDITIONAL NOTES

  That wraps it up for this edition of FASHION MANDATE.

  I kind of rushed this issue since I only got the idea to put it together last night. My eagerness to get it out and see what kind of reaction it gets lit a fire under my ass, and I got this much written down- along with creating that fake magazine cover. I also didn't want to write much more than I did since there's a high ADD rate on Xanga.

  HOWEVER,

  I'm willing to add other people's submissions to these columns for each forthcoming monthly edition if they want to be a part of it. We can sort of get a Datingish magazine going here, and your ideas are all welcome. If you have anything you'd like to add or suggest, please send me a message. And nude pictures.

  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in Fashion and Man-Dates.

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