Wednesday, 06 April 2011
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Do You Get Along With Your SO's Friends?
My fiancé and I have been together for over 3 years, and engaged for over a year. We were in a long distance relationship at the beginning of our relationship and he moved to my state so we could be together. He doesn't really have any friends here yet and the ones he does have, only come out to visit him a few times a year...so I'm not really around any of them enough for there to even be a problem, but the ones I've met so far - I've gotten along with, and could see myself getting along with if I was around them more often.Except for one, I'm just finding out....
Let me start by saying, my fiance and I had a disagreement (quite awhile ago) over the topic of going to bars. I don't like it, and in the past, didn't particularly like when my fiance went to them, but that hasn't been an issue for a long time with us, and everything between us has been fine lately.
He was going to visit this friend (his best friend, nonetheless) and he was telling my fiancé about a place (a bar) that he was thinking of taking him to. All my fiancé said was,"'I didn't even know that place was a bar," and his friend just started totally hating on me and our relationship.
He basically was saying I don't care about my fiancé- That I'm immature and need a reality check. He was mad because my fiancé 'picks' me all the time, and he was pretty much trying to get my fiancé to rethink being with me. Comparing me to one of his own ex's saying that it was "good for the time being, but wasn't right for him in the end." All of this came out of nowhere.
My fiancé never said he wasn't going out with him to this bar or anything, but his friend just said all these horrible things. My fiancé defended me and said he was way out of line to base all this off of one disagreement we've had. I'm just not sure what to think now. I mean this is his best friend. I could tell my fiancé was all upset about it too. Mad just because of what his friend was saying, but also upset because it was his best friend, someone he always thought would be his best man - totally bashing me and our relationship.
What would you do in this type of situation? I know they've been friends for years, but after this I don't think I'm going to be happy when they're hanging out in the future knowing he doesn't want us together or to get married. I just don't know how to feel....
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About the Author
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- From: xSerendipity713x@xanga
- About Me: My name is Nikki. I'm 21 years old, from Pennsylvania. I was homeschooled from my 8th grade year on through high school. I really liked being homeschooled and I wouldn't have changed that for anything. My family means the world to me and I love hanging out with them. I have strong morals and values but I'm a very open minded person. I'm kinda shy when I first meet someone but once I get to know you I'll start to open up pretty easily. I'm terrible at writing these things so if you want to know anything else, just message me. :)
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Comments (20)
I think its best to let your fiance handle it...I mean, it is his friend after all. If you try to get in the middle of it...it won't turn out that great.
I like my boyfriend's friends more than I like my own. :/
What his friend did might look wrong to you - but that is what friends are suppose to do if they think they are making a wrong decision. How many of my friends have told me they don't like someone I'm dating and they are wrong for me. I thank them for their opinion, think about it and make my decision. Maybe him and his friend used to frequent bars alot and he misses that aspect of the friendship.
I think you should be more relaxed with your fiance if going to the bar is something that he enjoys. Some people (myself included) like the atmosphere and liketo have a few drinks after a long week to relax. YES YES - there are other ways to relax - but this is one SOME people prefer.
He probably just feels like any guy would about his best friend having a girl (especially if he doesn't have one). Just tell your guy how it makes you feel when his friend says things like that, then let him handle it.
I get along with all of my boyfriend's friends that I've met so far. :)
He's probably a bit jealous. Your fiancé has left everything to come and live with you so you guys can start your life together. If they've been best friends for a long time, that's bound to cause a bit of resentment, especially if the friend is single, too.
I don't think it's something you should really get involved in, though. Maybe you could suggest to your fiancé that the three of you hang out, so you can get to know with his best friend? He probably doesn't know what to think of you if you don't know each other very well, which could make him think you don't like him.
Good luck! I know situations like this can really suck, but if your fiancé loves you, and you love him, I'm sure things will work out, regardless of how this guy feels. :)
I don't know what you should do. Sounds like a shitty situation.
But to answer the question in the title, that really doesn't have anything to do with the rest of this post, yes! Yes I do!
@HollowTendencies@xanga - Ditto. Well, sometimes.
my bf's friends are fun, but they are def not the type of guys i'd date or recommend for my friends or anything. but i get along w them great lol
I think you need to make amends with this guy somehow. one of the biggest rules of dating is making sure your friends approve; and if his BEST friend doesn't approve of you, it puts your fiancé in a terrible place. sometimes, guys DO follow the 'bros before hoes' rule. he COULD leave you to save his friendship. prevent it from happening by being the bigger person. don't do the drama, just try to be this guys friend. and if you can't, then be the bigger person- don't say bad things about him, refuse to be around him, etc. keep the peace. tension is what you want to avoid at all costs!
If the way his friend was hassling him makes you uncomfortable then you should say something to your fiance about it. Don't whine or nag him - just tell him how it made you feel and if he loves you (you're engaged, I should hope he does!) then he won't let it happen again. That doesn't mean he'll throw away their friendship, it just means that he won't let his friends say those things anymore.
I love all my fiances friends because they're all MY friends, also. Most of our friends are married with children or old enough to be married with children so we don't have much of an issue with single friends being "jealous" of our relationship and talking bad about it. My fiance doesn't hang out with people who would even think about
talking trash about his personal life or our relationship. If they
overstep that boundary, he politely but firmly tells them to keep their
opinions to themselves. We've only had this happen once at the beginning
of our relationship.
Sure, some of my fiances friends (from work) I'm not friendly enough with to have their numbers in my phone - but I've met them and know they are decent people. I also know that my man would never let someone talk bad about ME or our relationship so I don't worry about what his friends I'm less acquainted with say.
I've had problems with my bf's best friends before and even one best friend caused some problems which I thought was pretty bullshit and nearly got us kicked out. I think you should let your fiancé handle it. It's easy to feel jealous when the person you've been hanging out with is hanging out less and less with you. It's understandable.
Just let your fiancé talk to his best friend and maybe you guys can all hang out together?
(To me, it sounds like the best friend is just jealous of what you two have.) It's great that your fiance defended you and since it's his best friend, you should let the guys settle it themselves. If they truly are best buds, they'll be able to settle it and be cool about it in the future.
i just would let it be. eventually he'll see that his best friend is being a doucher. i mean if you keep being positive and his friend keeps being negative.. you'll come out on top.
I get along with his friends well because I was friends with them before I started being with him. Sometimes, I open up more to them than him =/
and the like me better than the others.
*they.
talk to his friend* find out why he's saying shit like that
My BF's friend all likes me, that even my BF gets suspicious of his friends intention of calling me out to talk about their* problems.
His friends would message me about their secrets / problem with other girls and not wanting my BF to know about it
why cant he go out to bars? if you dont trust him... especially after three years together... what the hell? if its because you dont like alcohol and he gave it up for you, then okay then. though i think his friend was out of line. there are better ways of approaching him with problems concerning you. how he did it was very douchey.
I wouldn't worry about it. If your fiance was okay with him saying that sort of thing, that would be a cause for concern, but he was defending you, so it'll be fine. I see from your profile that you're 21, so I'm assuming that your fiance and his friend are pretty young too- that's a typical attitude for young guys to have.
Anyway, what you should do is nothing. Don't let yourself get too concerned over it, be confident in your relationship. Eventually your fiance will either get this guy to shut up or the friendship will grow apart.
Don't get involved. It's between him and his friend. It's better to just pretend you didn't hear it cause you shouldn't probably know what he said or hate on him cause he's hurting. He also maybe doesn't have anyone else. Just leave it be with your fiance and maybe just talk to your fiance about it, but try not to get too involved.
I know this is really late but you said yourself that your fiance defended you. The only time you need to worry is if he doesn't. You haven't had a problem with him going to bars, and he defended the relationship. Sounds like everything will be fine :]
But, did you overhear him defend you or did he just tell you he did? Because I had some serious issues with my boyfriends (girl)friends and he told me that he defended me and then I found thirty text messages between him and his exgirlfriend (who was CAUSING the problems) talking shit about me.