Tuesday, 05 April 2011
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His New Job May Break Our Relationship
My boyfriend recently got hired as an investment banker. His hours will usually be 9AM-12AM or later every night of the week and one free day on the weekend. We have been together for about 7 months now and I'm not really sure where our relationship is heading. I am fully supportive of his career and I do not in any way want to hold him back, but this will most definitely affect our relationship.When I am with him, I am usually very happy and just knowing I won't be able to see him will be very hard for me. I know myself well enough by now that only seeing someone I'm dating once a week won't really keep me satisfied.
I'm not sure where we are, he has yet to tell me he loves me, but he has told me he cares a lot about me, etc (very rare). When I start talking about the job or it is brought up, he just tries to avoid it and continuously tells me it will be okay. I know I bother him when I say things like, "I won't see you very much"--but it's the truth isn't it?
I am not on his ass about it, I'm not the needy girlfriend. However, I do need a commitment from him and I do want to know if it's worth staying with him during this rough year. I know we need to talk, but I don't know what to say. I guess I'm bothered by the fact that he hasn't really expressed his feelings for me. He had mentioned future things that include us both, so I know that he wants to stay in the relationship.I am young and I live in a busy city. I don't want to be sad all the time and missing him. I know how to keep myself busy, so don't mention that I need to focus on me.
If he expects me to be okay with a year of never seeing him, shouldn't he want to talk about things? I don't know what to do.
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- From: katierose9@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1594 Comments: 0 31 View all posts by katierose9@xanga
Comments (31)
try dating a marine. i knew/started dating my man three months then he went to iraq.
its not that bad. you either care for him enough to make it work, or you don't.
simple as that. if you really don't think you can't handle it, move on. there are more men out there.
I think he's either taking things for granted and assuming you'll stay with him despite the difficulty or he doesn't put too much weight in the relationship and doesn't care too much about what happens.
While it's good to support him and his career choices -- don't do it to your own detriment. A relationship can only work if both people put in the effort. Good luck.
Well, I'm kind of in the same position as you. My boyfriend usually works 7 days a week, so I mostly only see him at night. Sometimes, he even works nights. At first, it was very hard to get used to, and I would get upset when he'd tell me he had to work. It really just takes time. I've gotten used to the fact that he will be busy almost every day, and that I won't get to see him much. That's just what you have to do; be supportive, and accept that your life will be like this for a while. If you make him feel guilty about it, he might start to resent you. My bf hasn't told me directly how he feels about me either, but he says the same things as your boyfriend, talking about doing things in the future. I think he just has a hard time opening up about his feelings, and your boyfriend could very well be the same way. If it is bothering you a lot, ask him exactly how he feels about you. Tell him how you feel about him so that it puts him at ease.
My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for 8 consecutive months, but we've been together 2 years so he lived here for a year and then the first 7 months were also long distance. I'd be grateful to see him even just once a week instead of just every couple months, but it's definitely different. Him and I established what we were and how we felt about each other. Neither of us was going to continue the long distance if we weren't planning a future together. So, you should definitely talk to him about it. He may not want to talk about it, but he's going to have to eventually. It's going to become a big issue if you guys don't talk about it and figure out what you both want out of the relationship if you are only going to be seeing each other once a week. Just make sure you guys are on the same page in the relationship.
Is your schedule such that you absolutely will only see him once a week? Maybe once he gets started with this job, you can get into a routine, besure to see each other that day, and try and plan lunch a few days a week if that's possible - I don't know if he'd have time, or what your schedule it, just thinking of ideas. It is hard that he won't even talk about it, but maybe since you're not being more aggressive about it, he doesn't realize how much it bothers you. You really should just sit him down, and refuse to let him walk away until he talks to you about it. As for the long run, I think some sort of plan/routine/schedule would be best, if he's willing and you're both able.
@SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - agree. Mine's in Kuwait.
There's always Skype and Oovoo. We talk 12 hours a day and even SLEEP on camera. We send one-another packages each week and do cute, little creative things to keep things from going stale. We ALWAYS have something new to talk about. When he comes back from Kuwait, I won't be able to see him STILL because I'll be in Basic Training. But, I know that the time we spend away from one another is spent putting our future together in order.If you don't want it, end it. Eventually, someone will come along who you'll care more about.
(P.S: It doesn't sound like he cares, either.)
I definitely think he should have talked it out with you first before deciding to take the job. 7 months is a long time to be in a relationship and if he's serious about being with you, you should have been involved in the decision. Maybe you two should take a break for awhile and see where things go. If you're not going to be able to see him as much, then there's not much of a relationship to begin with. However, if you really care about him and see this working out in the future, it's just one of the sacrifices you'll have to make.
@lonelystrangergirl@xanga - lol we didn't really skype much.. internet was too awful. he maybe called three times. i sent him packages allll the time with goodies. really we just talked through aim (he's text my phone through it) especially since i was in class all the time. i missed him like crazy and it was so hard! but it was worth it... but you know how that goes ;)
what is oovoo? haven't heard of that one.
You should watch the movie "Family Man" together.
@SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - Oovoo is like Skype
I like the quality a bit more than Skype. It's still free. I love sending packages of goodies! He goes crazy and shows them off at work.
@lonelystrangergirl@xanga - lol i made protein brownies once ( i made like 12 batches to get them tasting okay bc i used healthy ingredients... ) and they had mold allll over them by the time he got them! hahaha
Is it strange to anyone that he hasn't told me he loves me after 7 months? I know everyone views it differently, but now that i've waited to hear it from him, i'm questioning if I even love him anymore. I used to think i did, but i can't see to get him to open up to me. Am i dating someone who's just not on my emotional level?
@SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - lol eew!!! at least you tried. i refuse to make him cookies because i've got no baking talent whatsoever and they'll be crumbly when he gets them, anyway!
@lonelystrangergirl@xanga - well he's a gym nut ( as are a lot of marines) and i knew how much he looooved brownies so i was trying to do something special for him and make him a healthy but awesome gym snack. fail... lol
@katierose9@xanga - if he won't even say he loves you by now.. hmm. maybe you should move on? especially since you said you "used to think you did." find someone new love!
@SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - @SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - i wish it were that easy! he is perfect--except of he lack of emotion...pretty big deal...thanks :)
If you can't understand that he is going to be sitting his butt in an office working close to 100 hours a week and will be very tired when you do actually see him, then you should call it quits. The vast majority of relationships going through an i-banker 2 yr analyst program do not make it. Be prepared to get cancelled on b/c the job will come first. Its difficult to get an investment banking job and finishing a 2 year program will give him a lot of opportunities in the future, but understand if he leaves i-banking after future jobs are likely to come with long hours too. If you not that kind of person who can live an independent life without seeing their SO constantly then maybe its not for you.
I think that you should talk to him about it and state what you think and feel.
It may be what you need... if he the right one for you, then you can work around the hours and feel satisfied with what time you get...
I work overnights and my fiance works days. I get 2 hours a day at most with him.
And because we know we love eachother we make it work...
Agree. I think i just need to figure out where he stands in the relationship.@Mariposa8688@xanga -
My boyfriend's schedule gets like this sometimes (not always, thankfully) and it's not particularly fun. However, I'm very lucky in that he's very open with his feelings about me. I know that when he doesn't get in touch, it's because he's busy. I think that's important to remember. Just because he's busy, it doesn't mean he doesn't care and that he's not thinking about you. I think it's really important to talk to him about it, because a lack of communication will just lead to resentment and more problems further down the line.
Get a time when he's not stressed, busy or distracted, and talk to him. Explain how you feel about him and about the new job - don't just say you'll miss him or that you won't see him much - you need to tell him how you think it'll affect your relationship, because otherwise, you won't get anywhere. If you truly care about him, don't bail yet. It may be that you can make it work - you never know until you try, and you'll regret it if you walk away and don't give it a chance. Good luck! :)
You don't seem very into this guy. It sounds more like you like him to keep you occupied. Real relationships involve commitment, even when you can't see each other all the time.
@islandinthesun@xanga - i can see how it would seem that way and sometimes i think so too, but for the first 5 months or so of the relationship i was madly in love with him. neither of us share our feelings and I guess its because I feel like i'd rather hear it from him first. I guess I am the type of person that needs a commitment as in keeping in touch with one another and making time to see the other person, i'm not sure that he makes that time for me or thinks about me as often as I think about him. thanks for your advice.
Investment banking is a tough job, and requires long hours, but the pay is good and will pay off in the long run. My answer depends on one fact. If you knew he wanted to go into investment banking when you started dating, it is unfair to him to expect him to change his dreams now, then its a case of "you knew what you were getting into" and you should stick by him. If this was something he decided after you two started dating, then you two should have discussed what that would entail before he invested the time in the education to get the job. Either way, you need to be honest and talk to him about it now.
lol. do you really think he gets a day off on the weekend? guess again. he'll get sunday evenings, at best.
good luck. i would never date a banker, but that's because i know the industry very well (i worked in it, after all, and will return soon) and have my biases. the hours don't help how i feel about them, either.
7 months and he didn't say he loves you? Did you ever tell him you love him? Was he different before the new job? What are your expectations? (In a sense, it sounds like you're having internal conflicts, where you want to be understanding about his career, but at the same time, you want your needs to be met, so in the end, you're not satisfied.)
It's good for guys to be career oriented and perhaps, he's doing that as a way to starting building you're future together, but you won't know for sure until you talk about it. Some guys have a really hard time expressing their thoughts and feelings. Perhaps, he doesn't want to talk about work because he actually doesn't want to think about it and just relax. If you do know that talking about his work or saying that you don't see him much would be a bad conversation starter, then don't start with that. If you don't know what to say, how about watch a movie together that depicts the same scenario as your relationship and then discuss the movie (unfortunately, I can't think of any movies right now). Sometimes, it's easier to see the situation than to hear about it. Then, you're discussion can lead into your own conversation about your lives. It's just a thought. Or you can carefully think about what you want to say to him and just ask him to listen to everything you have to say before he can comment. Either way, you need to bring it out in the open since you're clearly not happy with the way things are right now. But try not to make it into an argument, it should just be a relaxing conversation, to share your thoughts and feelings.