Sunday, 03 April 2011
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Not Good Enough for Me?
I am in a very "sticky" situation with my current girlfriend. Her name is Lindsey and I love her to death. She is a nerd at heart and I love her for that but she is also holding back. On some days I can understand her situation because of where she came from, but others I just look back, shake my head and sigh. She was up until recently a much different person.
From the parts I understand (and that she will tell me) she was into a much different scene up until we started dating including drugs, screamo, and partying. She was previously engaged to a very selfish man that seemingly did not really care about her, and when that fell through, she moved back with her parents.
Because of this ordeal she had lost her job and cannot afford to attend college right now because she has no means to fund it. Although this is not a big deal for me because she just went out and experienced life, I believe she is letting this hang on her conscience and not letting her get as close to me as could be possible. She views herself as "not good enough for me" and that I could find "someone better."
This all stems from the fact that I live an hour away from her and have to drive to come get her to spend the weekends with me. I am currently in college and have a job (and will soon be getting a second one.)
However, I'm willing to look past all of this. She is with me now and by no means do I see her past and look down on her for it. I view everything she has done as a life and learning experience, and in no way did I ask, tell, or influence her to change. Everything she did was on her own will and took effect seemingly from the moment we started dating. She is currently looking for a job to pay her way to attend college again.
The main point of this post is...what should/can I do to prove or show that she is the one that I want to be with? How can I make the relationship I care about so much, last? Have you ever been in a situation similar to this?
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About the Author
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- From: The_Bough@xanga
- Name: Ethan
- Location: Indianapolis, Indiana, United States
- About Me: I'm a Junior now at IUPUI studying Computer Graphics Technology. Hoping to one day may the next AAA mutil-million dollar game. I'm a lazy gamer and proud. If you think you can play send a friend request to The Bough.
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Comments (19)
Everyone can go to college. Apply for financial aid. Get a job. I don't believe in any excuses for that one.
But as far as your question goes, just keep doing everything you're doing. Once she gets her life back on track she'll probably feel better about herself and more "worthy" of dating you.
Maybe you can help her look for jobs? Like, when she spends the weekend with you, drive her around to different places ect ect uhmm maybe "camp out"...make a tent in the middle of your living room...or dorm..or whatever and make her laugh...idk...couple things. Sounds like you're doing everything emotionally right, being there for her ect ect...thing is though, don't rush her. Its going to take some time for her to move past her past. :]
@Kill_GaryLarson@xanga - it's not as easy as "getting a job" or "applying for aid". Not everyone qualifies for scholarships, and not everyone can get a job that will pay the $30,000 a year you need to pay for college.
Encourage her to follow through with her goals. There is always financial aid, scholarships, and just plain old getting a job to help finance college, though if she is under 24-25 years of age she has to prove financial independence from her parents to get more money for school (ie if her parents make a decent salary per year). Once she is on track with her goals she should feel both more indepent and more responsible/mature/sure of her life and the new path she is on.
Relationships are very hard to start if they are not on common grounds with each other.
You're in college, have a job, and a car. She doesn't.
Really, there is nothing you can do except assure her that you love her. She needs to change herself if she wants to be your better half. Other people have said try to help her out, but that could be dangerous as you are the one trying to change her (and it's very rare that people are open to outside forces changing them).
Ask her if she really wants the relationship. Her guilt could also be representative of her uncertainty of the relationship or whether she wants it or not.
@individually_surveys@xanga - there's also taking out (student) loans (which I can see why one might not want to since i've done everything in my power not to sustain any sort of debt) and going to community college before transferring to a 4 year. A LOT of people do that, and it is relatively affordable. Over 90% of the time you are getting the same education. I would have done that if my financial aid for my 4 year hadn't come through. An AA is better than no degree.
she is lacking confidence in her new lifestyle. used to a crazy life and here she is today with everything she had, gone. doesnt sound like she is partying, has no job, school isnt happening, living with her parents again. has to be tough for her losing her independence. then she has you, this great guy driving an hour out to see her all the time. she probably feels undeserving. and she may have unsettled issues with her ex fiance. maybe he did a number on her ego. she isnt telling you everything as you said. but keep being a great guy to her and hopefully with time, she can be someone she is happy to be again. and understand she deserves a great guy too. but if this continues, it will get old and continue straining your relationship to the point where there wont be a relationship. good luck.
@mybodyx@xanga - That's true. I have to admit, I'm not very familiar with the American system, so I'm mostly relying on what I've heard from Xanga!
@individually_surveys@xanga - not all colleges are 30,000 a year
@zzzzzulavalle@xanga - I'm not just talking about tuition, but things like books, food, transport, rent, bills...general living is very expensive, even if your fees aren't the most expensive out there.
This looks like my last failed relationship...
Yeah just keep doing what you're doing. Don't give up and stay strong for her! All the best :D
You may give her support and don't try to pressure her. Her life is hectic and she may have lost confidence in herself. All you can do is give her time to reorganize her life and once again gain confidence.
You can't make someone want you or love you. It's just not possible.
I've tried to hang onto someone in a similar situation. A lot of tears and stress wasted on him. I still like him and want to be with him but he just can't let go of his past and he's stranding himself by not moving forward. All i can do is just be his friend. And at this point, it's more than I can ever ask for.
I feel the same way sometimes with my fiancé..He went to college, moved out to PA to me with me, has a job, and does the drive to come see me on weekends and such. I don't have a job right now or go to school because of health reasons. He always tells me he's fine with how everything is, and how I don't have control of my health (therefore working/going to school too..). It makes me feel better that he's okay with it, but it doesn't make me feel any better about my situation..So I can kind of relate to your girlfriend. But just keep doing what you're doing and let her know you're gonna be there for her no matter what. You sound like a good guy.
@Kill_GaryLarson@xanga - You are exactly right however, not everyone wants to come out of college in debt. I still appreciate you input though, thanks =]
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Haha, I'm doing as much as I can in the help department, calling every one of my friends that have a job and asking their employers to give her app a second look. As for the cuteness factor, I can go crazy there, I already make her have to say stop because I am "rotting her teeth out" with the sweetness. Thanks for the input =D
@mybodyx@xanga - Thanks, I try to help her out with any FA questions she needs help with. Thank you =]
@Kara_K - She definitely has her freak out moments but they are becoming less common. I help her out, but in no way am I trying to change her. I love her the way she is. Thanks for the opinion =]
@ ShirleyD@xanga - I try and boost her up every chance I get. I love her a lot so it comes with the gig, I also think you are absolutely right with the ego because she seems to like the compliments but is unsure how to take them. Thanks for the support =]
@vicdaily@xanga - I'm sorry to hear that =/
@nad_nuts@xanga - Thanks, thats the plan =]
@nad_nuts@xanga - Thanks, I am not pressuring her in any way, just reassuring her. If she gets a call about her prospect jobs I congratulate her, If not I just asked if she wants to call to check up on it. Thanks for the suggestion =]
@prettyenough - Like I said, I am not pushing her to do anything. Everything she is doing right now is for herself including, getting a job and wanting to go to college. And we do love each other, I'm just a much more "mushy" person. Thanks XD
@xSerendipity713x@xanga - Thanks for the prospective and compliment. I try to do everything I can, she makes it worth it. =]
Thanks to everyone again for posting, nice to have someone else than my roommates to listen and get opinions from. =D
sounds like deep down she knows your the re-bound guy and feels guilty cause she isn't over seldish Mr X, which then makes her feel crap and not worthy of your obviously more genuine emotions. tread carefully and don't put too much emotional chips on the table until she does.... cause you may be the one hurting after this one.
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@fields_of_sunflowers@xanga - excuse me.. how much a year?!?!?!?!?!
i pay £3,500/$18.000 umm i suppose its close once its converted. plus tuition just went up max is £12,000 and thats for normal degrees not law/medicine etc i am one of the last generation to pay the lower fee. thank good.
i hope your girlfriends finishes school as much as im ready to be done with it, i acknowledge it is important. just be there for her and dont give on her.