A good friend of mine used to date this guy that lived two hours away, and they would take turns traveling back and forth. So one weekend she would be in the town he lives in, and the other weekend he would drive to Seattle. During the time that they were together, I myself as well as a lot of her other friends didn’t see her as much as we used to before she started this relationship.
At first it bothered me a bit, but then when I thought of all the other things she had going on such as school and then the traveling every other weekend, I let my personal feelings go. So of course when this relationship went South guess who I saw more of? Yes the friend that I probably wouldn’t have noticed if I had bumped into her in the street, because it had been so long.
She was dissing her friends (yes I used the word dissing) for the boyfriend and thought that there was nothing wrong with that. I admit with my very first boyfriend I did the same thing at first, but realized it was so wrong of me to alienate my friends who have always been there, for some guy. I vowed never to do that again!
Of course things went back to normal after she broke up with the guy, but now let's fast forward to many months later. Well now she has a boyfriend that lives at the most five blocks from her, she is not in school and works part time, but guess what? I saw her more when she was in school full time and working, and even more when she was with the old guy. Nowadays most us don't see her at all! Let me add a side note in here: We did see her frequently for a bit because her boyfriend said that he needed a little space from the relationship, and now we don’t see her at all since he’s “Lifted His Space Sentence.”
We are pretty sick and tired of inviting her out, and what ends up happening is that she comes up with some lame excuse why she can’t get together. We all know of course what is going to happen. When this relationship takes a turn for the worst she will be calling us to hang out like nothing is wrong, and I'm sad to say I won’t be there to jump back in her social mix so easily. I’m sure we all have had friends that have done this to us, but like I said earlier: I’m sick and tired of it, and I’m not going to put up with it.
So please ladies and gents when you get into that new relationship, I know you will want to be wrapped up in your significant other-- which I don't think is wrong, but remember that your life cannot revolve 24/7 around this other person you are with. Don’t forget your friends, family, etc because most likely that person will be gone and if you shut everyone else out they will be gone too!
Have you every stopped hanging out with your friends when you were in a relationship or had friends shut you out?
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My boyfriend lived in the same apartment complex as me so I'd see him quite often, but I also was working 20 hours a week on top of 15 units for school so he'd come down to my apartment. That way, I could spend time with him and with my roommates. He'd leave every night and I wouldn't invite him to sleep over and I wouldn't sleep over with him because I'd hang out with my roommates after he left. My roommates ended up getting annoyed nonetheless and said I was spending all my time with him. Those hours I was at school and work, I was apparently lying about and I was actually with him. So, they went as far as to ban him from the apartment and told me I needed to spend more time with them. That plan heavily backfired as I ended up getting irritated that I was 20 years old being bossed around girls the same age as me and I'd go up to his apartment. Ironically, a month later one of my roommates started dating a guy that she would literally spend all her time with and she would have him spend the night and dry hump all night while her and I shared bunk beds. The other three roommates very quickly realized that I wasn't spending all my time with my boyfriend, but by that time he didn't want to hang out with them anyways. He ended up moving to Texas for school and I moved home because I didn't want to live with a bunch of girls who tried controlling my life and who I hung out with. Now I just get irritated every time someone says their friend spends all their time with their SO, but I do agree that it would be irritating to have a friend that leaves and comes back every time they get a boyfriend or get dumped by one. I think the most irritating part of having a friend like that is that they make up excuses every time you invite them out instead of just saying that they want to hang out with their boyfriend. My old roommate still does that with her boyfriend when I ask her to hang out. I always tell her I don't care if she's with her boyfriend and that she doesn't need to lie to me haha.
That's a rookie mistake. I did that with my first major relationship.
Of course, now some potential girlfriends get kinda upset about me not willing to drop my life for a relationship. Oh well, their loss.
I sure hope I don't do that when I'm in my first major relationship. O_O and if I do, I'd hope that my friends bring it to my attention.
Well, I try to hang out with my friends as much as I could, while also hanging out the SO as much as I could. And if it clicks, I bring my SO along to hang out with my friends. There are some who get upset and mad if their SO don't spend 24/7 with them, which is them just being selfish. Everyone needs time with their SO and time away from their SO. It's called balance.
Never happened for my first relationship but it did for my second.. I DID make time to see friends but just not as much as I used to, I didn't completely cut them off. I definitely took the time to talk to them and check up on how they were, but I wouldn't be able to hangout with them like a few times a week or even once a week like I used to.. I didn't only have to make time for the new bf, but I also hungout with his friends and family too. A friend of mine did point out to me that I didn't get to see and talk to her as much as I used to before the relationship started, so I hope this won't happen again in my future relationship. There should be an adjustment period allowed for the friend, but if they're like that each time, then they don't deserve such good friends.
i think the majority of people do this as they grow serious with someone. I know i did. As my bf and i got closer and he started practically living with me, i havent seen much of my friends. I moved to AZ last july so i never had many BEST friends like i did in my old town...so thats probably why it didnt bother me that much (or them) that i was now spending most of my time with my bf. I dont think this would be the case if i still lived in NY and was around my BFFs more often though...i guess, at least for me, it has to do with how close you are with those friends.
Honestly, female friends have a tendency to suck, so I don't really blame her for ditching the girls for the guy. The problem with most (not all) female friends is they have a tendency to talk and make xanga posts about you behind your back.
Hm, would you know anyone who does that?
For a new relationship, I totally agree. But if it is someone you have known forever, and then you start dating and it gets serious fast, I kinda understand. If it is a serious relationship, you are trying to see if you could handle being with that person enough to eventually marry them, essentially. You have to know if you can handle them for extensive periods of time before you can even consider making that step. And if it is serious, they are supposed to be your best friend, so they should come first. So, to an extent, I agree, but in some cases people need to get over it.
Honestly, I've never really hung with my friends because they tend to never include me in anything and they were always (and are) always busy with school and work. Though when I get the chance, I try to hang with them. I don't have to choose anything. I've never neglected friends or family because of my bf. I don't really know how this can happen honestly.
I guess I can relate to this article. Some of my friends think that all I ever do is spend time with my boyfriend and are upset when I always say no to hang out. What they don't know is that I actually don't even see him enough in the course of a week! If I don't have time for him, how am I going to even make time for my friends? Basically, no, I do not spend 24/7 with my boyfriend. I'm a full time pharmacy student and go to a school that has a pretty hardcore curriculum. Therefore, basically all I ever do with my spare time is study, study, and then study some more. If I'm not studying, I'm working at the pharmacy. Sleep, study, work, sleep is the routine. I only have Saturdays to spend time with the boyfriend and maybe if I'm lucky, I see my boyfriend during the weekdays. Sucks. But I guess that when all people see are pictures of me and the boyfriend on facebook, they'll think, "Oh they did this or they did that and they're always together and not with me!" They don't realize that I'm so absorbed with school and work and I only see my boyfriend a couple times a week. I guess I can see why friends think that we aren't spending time with them. It's tough. It's not that I don't want to hang out with them, it's just that maybe there's no time sometimes. I don't know =P
my man = my best friend. so guess what... he wins over other friends.
i had a friend do that to me... a LOT. she would make up excuses like her SO didn't like me or something but would run to me every time she over dramatized a problem or the ever popular i need a PG test. i ended up letting her go as a friend. i was tired of being a yo yo. that and she started telling me i was ditching her when it was the other way around.
I believe your SO comes first always, but you always need time for friends, family, personal space, your own life, etc.
@donspike@xanga - Agreed. I hung out with a big group of girls in high school and the amount of bitching and power trips I had to witness and endure has made me glad that I'm no longer friends with them.
My ex-best friend and I were polar opposites. She's into fashion, clubbing and being a social butterfly. Me on the other hand, I don't enjoy clubbing especially due to the fact that I don't have the money for it and I hate the atmosphere and music + I'm more on the introverted side of things. The only thing which really made us friends was the fact that we were both single and loved crying over the fact that we had no guy in our lives. When I became serious with my bf, we didn't talk as often, mind you we used to call each other every night. Life gets in the way some time. With school, time aside to study and family commitments, I barely have time as it is to see my bf. When I did talk or see her, she didn't consider it enough. The thing about my ex-best friend though is that things always have to be her way or the high way. She always has to be the center of attention and the fact that she no longer had my undivided attention really pissed her off.
I think friends shouldn't make you decide between a relationship and their friendship. My ex best friend had never been in a relationship so I don't think she could empathize with how difficult it is to strike a balance with every aspect of your life.
I agree. I didn't ditch my friends, they ditched me after a few months. Wtf. I tried to hangout with them, their loss.
I think you're put into a quite a difficult situation when you get into a new relationship. You want to spend as much time as possible with your boyfriend/girlfriend (because it's new and exciting and fun), but you also want to keep seeing your friends. BUT, with a new partner on the scene, your time ends up even more divided, so you're obviously going to have to see less of your friends if you don't want your school/job to suffer.
It is tricky. Generally, I try to be understanding, unless they CANCEL plans they've already made with me to see their SO. I think whoever you make plans with first should take priority - I get really pissed off when people cancel plans with me to see their boyfriend/girlfriend, because that's just a shitty thing to do to someone. But, otherwise, I do get how hard it can be to divide your time between school, work, studying, friends, a relationship and family - it is difficult, and sometimes, friendships slip behind, often unintentionally.
I think there was a British study on this recently. People generally have 6 friends, and will lose one of them when they gain a partner. I know its a complaint in one of my social groups, with friends disappearing left, right, and centre, when they start a relationship.
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I admit I have done this, but I didn't like it.
When you're in a relationship for so long where one person demands that constant attention, it sucks. You wanna hang out with people, but you don't want to feel guilty for that.
I don't really socialize anymore, but I 'll defiantly be doing that a lot more now with other people when I can, there's no excuse for shutting anyone out, ever.
Well, at the beginning of a relationship I don't think it's right. You're just getting to know this person, I don't see any reason to have your life revolve around them. Down the road though, if you're in a more serious relationship/engaged/married, things change. Priorities change. I have friends who I was super close with but now they're married. My best friend is married and has a baby. We don't talk quite as much or as often (which was a LOT just a couple years ago) just because she has other things going on..and I don't see anything wrong with that. I don't think it's wrong to have a life of your own, with someone else. When you're in a serious relationship, eventually they do get *most* (not all) of your time and attention..and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Unless you're single forever, I'm sure there will be a S.O. that will eventually pop up and come first.
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Ive done it, and lost a pretty good friend in the process. It sucked bc I came off as I didnt care what she thought and just used her as someone to talk to about my problems, but never took her advice. My first major relationship (or first relationship ever actually) was full of really bad mistakes. Funny now, I want friends to hang out with and be nerdy with, and I have none.
I think your friend wasn't very clearheaded when she prioritized her boyfriend over you and your other friends. As you said, you understood the long distance thing and went with it. But her second boyfriend lived really close. And I think that's sorta wack...
However, I can't say that I'm exactly innocent in spending most of my free time with my boyfriend rather than my friends. It's a little different for me, though, because nearly all of my friends are males. I go to a male dominated music school, and the only 3 friends that I had who were girls were either a) obsessed with their boyfriend, b) obsessed with a new best friend or c) moved to Sweden. Most of my time is spent practicing, writing music, doing work, and going to class. For me prioritizing my boyfriend first has had it's pros and cons, and I don't think I necessarily "dissed" my girlfriends, but sometimes it's kinda of difficult to get a female perspective on things.
I think that in the case of a girl ditching out on all of her girlfriends is wrong. She should get her priorities straight. I would give just about anything to have a few close girlfriends who I could spend some time with. Guys are fun to hang with but it's just a completely different vibe. I love my boyfriend and his friends and we all have a good time, but it gets a little lonely when he has his guy's night out and I've realized all of my girlfriends and I have parted ways.
Anyway, I empathize with you. I wouldn't necessarily cut her loose quite yet, but it might be a good idea to let her know that her friendship meant a lot to you. I hope that you two can mend your relationship again.
I guess I've done this. I still tried to make time for my friends, though. I think I did a pretty good job. I hope I did anyway lol.
In any case, my boyfriend was my best friend and is now my husband so he takes priority.
I know I've done it before, though I try to avoid it. But I usually know when my bf is free and when he's not, so when I know he's free, I'll plan to spend time with him and during times when he's not, I'll spend time with my friends. Or I'll have specific times each week where I generally always spend time with him, and then other times are more open for spending time with my friends. I also just made a point to hang out with groups of friends and invite him along, so then I could hang out with everyone at once.