Friday, 01 April 2011
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Justin Bieber is Dating a Member of Nu-Metal Band Slipknot
In a shocking, exclusive reveal that's set to be aired on The Oprah Winfrey Show next month, Justin Drew Bieber prepares to come out of the closet with a member of the popular Nu-Metal band, Slipknot. Sources are speculating that this unexpected turn of events is being kept under wraps as tightly as possible, for fear of a pre-teen riot taking place across the streets of America. Young female fans will be urged to stay at home, or face the consequences of a nationwide curfew if they take to the streets swinging Hannah Montana themed lunchboxes.Some say they saw this coming when earlier last year, Justin Bieber reportedly took swings at a 12-year-old boy during a game of laser tag in Canada, in retaliation for gay slurs. This act of aggression suggests that the teen idol had either, "...severe emotional trauma, or pent-up anger and frustration from hiding his sexual preferences," according to a professional psychologist working for Fox News and its affiliates. Our second opinion suggests that it's simply the result of being Canadian.
Regarding the mysterious member of Slipknot, not much is known but his relationship with the teen sensation has been said to be strictly professional and anal in nature. As evidenced by the recent collaboration, Justin Bieber and Slipknot appear to be a match made on a pay-for dating website. In other words, you get what you pay for and we're glad to see he wasn't cheap on the intake, if you know what I mean.
How will the news impact his record sales? There's no real way of knowing, but given the predominantly female demographic, one can imagine thousands of broken hearts will result in thousands of lost record sales. Other stars such as George Michael and Ricky Martin faced similar situations, but they weren't at the height of their careers when their homosexuality was revealed. Justin Bieber on the other hand, has been the face of pop music, even going as far as dethroning Lady Gaga on his home turf, YouTube.The rumored romance with Disney princess Selena Gomez was essentially a cover-up, but in an M. Knight Shyamalan-like twist, it could very well be that Selena Gomez is actually a man by the name of "Jose Gomez Jr." Like the elusive Reptilians controlling our planet from beneath the surface of the Earth, no one has actually seen her shape-shift, but a mysterious driver's license was found in her hotel room that suggests she may in fact be a man. You be the judge:
We can only speculate so much, but by the end of next month, all will be a little clearer and the world may once again shift back onto its axis after the devastating incident in Japan.You can expect Justin Bieber to go on a worldwide tour with Slipknot over the summer or later in the year. We hope the tour is entitled "Bieber Slips the Knot" and ends with a display of erotic asphyxiation as Slipknot's members get the proverbial "five-knuckle shuffle" treatment towards a toe-curling completion.
Sincerely,
Nuñez Love Doctor.Certified with a PhD in Biebanomics & Sex-Crazed Fools.
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About the Author
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- From: AsylumBlue
- About Me: The musician in me is constantly dueling with my inner writer, trying to take its place. What I'm attempting to do is allow them to live harmoniously, but it seems that I'm a terrible peacemaker, because they haven't stopped bickering or flinging spit-balls at one another. I write political satire, short stories, poems and... actually, I can pretty much write about anything; I'm flexible (not physically, unfortunately). If I had to choose, it would be writing softcore romance novels full of seduction, extramarital affairs and incredibly specific details. I'm kidding about that last part, I think.
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True Lifetime
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Comments (48)
...I hope this is fake.
Of course today is April 1st...
April's FOOLS! =P
@bluepillorredpill@xanga - true that :D
heh ..hmm checks calender..ahh...
April Fools!
<3 can't wait to read the rest of the 4/1 posts ;D
You couldn't think of anything better to do for April Fool's?
You are Fucking Awesome. Excuse the language, but it was rather necessary!
@PinkFleurs@xanga - Nope. :]
@missbarbie08@xanga - I prefer the profane language. ;O
LOLLLL
LOL. Hilarious, even though I am a Bieber fan xD
Awesome post! The video was scary though.... I had never heard Justin Beiber sing until now....... I didn't imagine it would be that creepy, autotuned and prepubescent......... he wishes he could have the success and fanbase of slipknot........ SUPERFIGHT 29 Corey Taylor vs Justin Beiber!
I wouldn't bet against Bieber.........
oh god why do people even careee...god i hope hes gay just so girls can stop being so queeer about everything
this website is very good, you can go and see it
http://www.shoes4world.com/
As soon as I got to the part where they said that Selena Gomez was a man, I knew it was bullshit...lol
i know this is fake, but i would believe it if it was real
the biebz needs lots of lube if he is hooking up with the slipknot dude-he doesn't seem like he'll handle bieber with gentle caresses.
LMFAO.[x You, mygoodman, are fucking awesome.<3 This has to be one of my favorite posts lately. WIN. ;o
I love the remix lmao!!!!!!!!
AHAHAHAHA
That would be awesome if this was real cause then I would go up to every Justin Bieber fan and say "I TOLD YOU SO!!!!" Haha!
Oh jesus, you scared me.
Dear friend..share with you a very good website here
http://www.legendstrade.com/
i know this is all in fun for april fools day, but WOAH what an insult to Slipknot lmao.