Wednesday, 30 March 2011

• Pirate Wants Arrranged Marriage With 13-Year-Old in Exchange for the Release of Hostages

  
  A little over a month ago, a Danish family ventured into the infamous pirate-infested waters off of Somalia. The father of 13-year-old Naja Johansen had a brilliant idea: to sail along these dangerous waters on his expensive yacht (for recreational purposes), in order to complete a two-year voyage. Jan Quist Johansen had the option to sail around Africa, but after numerous warnings, this mindless landlubber came to the conclusion that lollygagging through the Indian Ocean would be safe enough for his wife and children. The children include two sons and a daughter, all of whom were removed from school to hoist sails all day long.

  Now, unless the family and 20 other hostages want to visit Davey Jones' Locker, they have to hand over their daughter's hand in marriage in exchange for an escape. Pirate Abdullahi Mohamed has also stated that any attempt to rescue the family would result in their immediate deaths. If you've been following thus far, you'll know that this doesn't leave much room for negotiation, especially when the other option involves $5,000,000 in ransom money.

  This isn't your skewed, romanticized version of bad-ass pirates who steal gold, drink rum and shout random nonsense all day if they aren't stereotypically fighting off ninjas. It's not exactly Jack Sparrow who wants to plunder your 13-year-old's goods. This isn't a movie, and the situation is getting rather grim.

  As a father, I can imagine he wants to protect every single one of his children, but it doesn't look like he can have it both ways. With time running short, he may have to do the unthinkable... it's either that, or they all go down as a result of his bad judgment. How do you even gauge that sort of situation? On top of this, the family is suffering with heat exhaustion, and becoming ill. There's a lot riding on the authorities to make a calculated move, but it's sure to be a dangerous one that may result in the loss of life.

  Piracy originally started as a means to download digital content and sound waves illegally in order to punish major labels for overpricing albums and keeping a huge percentage of the royalties. (If you want to support your favorite artists, mail them a check and download the music for free online if possible.) After this revolution, it was used as a way to scare off foreign fishing trawlers to keep fishing profits strictly to the locals. However, after the warlords realized that there's a lot of money to be made from kidnappings and hijackings, it turned into what we have today: 

  
  
  Who's to blame for this situation? Although I'm not condoning the actions of these pirates, the father was also at fault.
  How do you even handle this if your lives are on the line?

  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in Pirate Booty and Fuckhead Fathers.
  

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