Wednesday, 30 March 2011
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When Porn Crosses the Line & Potentially Ruins Relationships
Writer wishes to remain anonymous.My fiancé and I moved in together back in September. As many of you "cohabitatees" know, once you move in together you find out a lot about the other person. I found out how he likes his towel folded, that he hates cleaning sinks, and that he actually is okay with letting me hold the remote (but don’t ever let his friends know that).
Recently, I found out one more fact about him. I found out he uses his phone’s access to the Internet to look up “porn” when he goes into the bathroom and, well, cleans his pipes. Okay, I actually knew that he did this before we moved in together. But it never bothered me. I like porn, and I know about 99.999999% of the male population digs it as well. However, I had no idea what kind he was into.
One night while we were laying in bed I finally asked him exactly what he was into. He was hesitant to show me, which really surprised me. We share everything together and have never once had a problem talking about sexual things. He often told me that was one of his favorite aspects about our relationships… how we can talk about sex and fantasies, likes and dislikes, all that fun stuff without it ever being awkward, off limits, or uncomfortable.
For the next couple of days I wondered what he possibly was into that would make me feel uneasy. Was it that he liked a different body type than mine? I could handle that. Was it Asian porn (he dated strictly Asian gals before me)? I’d understand. Was it S&M kind of freaky deaky stuff? Whatever… to each his own I guess. Porn is porn… at least I thought.
After a few days of guessing, I asked him again to show me. I told him whatever it was I’d understand… as long as no one died in it or there wasn’t blood involved. He laughed and finally agreed to open his naughty world to me.
I wish he would have left it closed.
What he showed me I don’t classify as porn. To me, porn is something where the people in the picture know it is being taken and know what it would be used for. His favorite website is nothing of that sort. It displays girls… REAL everyday ordinary (but still beautiful) girls that have a candid naked shot of them. He told me that the majority of the posters are ex boyfriends that put of pictures of their former lover who made a bad judgment call and let them take a compromising picture.
I asked him if any of these girls knew their picture was on here and he told me, “Probably not, but that is sort of the appeal. It’s not really posed or staged.” The other photos are of girls that are either coked out of their heads or drunk off their butts, but he says he only looks at those pictures if there is nothing else on (like that was supposed to make me feel any better). Girls sometimes can go on and put up pictures of themselves, but he told me that those don’t appeal to him because they know what they are doing.
Um… what?
Now, whenever I know he is in the bathroom looking at that site, releasing himself, it makes me want to vomit. I don’t consider what he looks at as porn… to me it is peeping tom creeping. It makes me shutter to know that he does not even care that these girls have no idea what he is doing to their picture. I feel as if he is visually raping the girl… and the worst part to me is that he feels absolutely no shame in the fact that those types of pictures are what get him off.
I don’t know how to tell him how disgusted I am. But he knows that I get upset with him and I don’t know how to tell him the real route of the wedge that is between us. I can’t have sex with him anymore. I know this is an issue that we seriously need to work out… but I don’t know how to address the problem.
Yes, I realize that it is my own fault for asking him to open up something so personal. Yes, I understand that I should have just trusted him when he told me I wouldn’t like what I would see (FYI: When I asked him why he thought I wouldn’t like it he told me that it was because some of the pictures are of girls bound up… but he swears he never looks at those pictures). Yes, I know that there is nothing I can do about what he likes.
But I still cannot shake the feeling I have. I guess I have always thought porn was fine to look at because it is not like he is going to find that girl here in the Midwest. But these are girls that you can easily find at the mall. I guess I am just worried what is going to happen when having the anonymity of the Internet isn’t good enough and he goes looking for the real life version.
Can anyone give me advice?
Should I just leave it alone and accept it? Should I confront him? If so, how should I bring it up without making him feel like a total pervert (even though really that is how I now look at him)?
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Comments (88)
I had a boyfriend once that was into anime where women grow penises. Porn is really about boundaries and pushing them, if you've partaken in it long enough. Soon vanilla isn't good enough, you go onto something else, which leads you to something even more hardcore, etc, etc.
As it is, his habit is...well, it's creepy. But as long as it doesn't escalate, he's not harming anyone any more than anyone else who looks at that site.
It is interesting that he denied looking at bondage, but admitted to looking at girls who were obviously passed out. To me, that's a complete switching of priorities.
Anyway. I know his habit disgusts you, but just don't think about that in the context of who he is. He's still every bit a nice guy, he just looks at some disturbing stuff. Much like my ex.
Another thing: Don't EVER let him take a picture of you naked, given he likes that site. EVER. Period.
The point of porn is to fap to fucked up shit you would never ever EVER do in real life.
I think you're really overreacting... unless he's looking at children... the subject matter of his porn shouldn't matter THAT much.It's called voyeurism. There are full websites for voyeurs with like pornstars living in houses being filmed constantly. You can't assume that anything that people look at in porn they are actually going to do or try. A lot of fun that comes from pornography is the fact that it is naughty, something you're not supposed to be doing, especially in his case. I feel like this is not much different from people who look at nude art photos and get aroused, which has stirred up a controversy in the art world about "what is art/porn".
What I'm trying to say is that people like what they like. Is he really any different of a person before vs after you knew this tiny fact about him?
Also, maybe people shouldn't let their spouses/boyfriends take nude pictures of them/film sex?? I feel like if you're documented nude on film or digitally, it's out there forever. It's just as stupid as getting your SO's name tattooed on you.
A random note... people look at way more fucked up shit online that doesn't even turn them on sexually, but interests them because it's just there. Ever see rotten.com? If you don't like looking at dead stuff, I'd advise against it.
I think that it is disgusting that the site exists, and the people who post those pictures without the consent of the women who are the subjects of the photos is horrible. The site should probably have legal action taken against it.
I can understand how you can feel so disturbed and shocked that he looks at that site. But if it were me, I wouldn't use it as grounds for a break up.
You seem to be very very very upset over this, and I think the best thing for you to do is talk to your guy. Explain to him why it bothers you so much. If you don't think you'll ever be able to get over it then you should break up with him. There really is no right or wrong route here, just whatever will make you happiest in the end.
Now, I might be flamed for this, but I think porn is wrong. Just flat out wrong. Shouldn't he want to look at you more than pictures?
Dude. I'd be so scared of breaking up with him and having a picture like that of me show up on the site. Anyways, it would probably be best to talk to him about it if it's bugging you that much. It's obviously not something that's going to go away and it's interfering with your image of him which is harmful to a relationship. Obviously, there are much worse things he could be looking at, but that isn't the point. The point is, that what he's looking at is obviously bothering you and that requires attention especially if you guys are living together because that means you two see a future together. There's not really much of a way to do it because he's going to feel awkward regardless, but he should be able to at least talk to you about it.
Whatever solution you find, i need it too. i cant have sex with my bf either. he repulses me
As long as he's not the one going out there and taking the pictures/videos, I don't see why it's much of a problem. I mean, porn is so obviously staged that it can be off-putting, so I can understand the appeal of watching something that isn't orchestrated and rehearsed.
It's not something I'd break up with someone over. People watch and read a lot of weird things online - it doesn't make them bad people as long as they don't let it ruin their morals and their day to day lives. Talk to him about it if it really makes you uncomfortable, but if you choose to break up him, you'd be losing something good over something that's very small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.
Yikes. He's your FIANCE. I have a different perspective on naked pics of other women than porn...that is utterly, truely, repulsive that he would do that to you Porn is more acceptable, but him looking at everyday, ordinary women? fucking sick.
@one_thousand_to_1@xanga - this is how i feel about porn too. i mean, i believe to each his own, but there is no place for it in my husband and my relationship.
He's your fiance and...okay. Yeah. I can't even form words right now.
Don't ever break up with him if you ever sent him nudes.
@one_thousand_to_1@xanga - Exactly how I feel too :)
My husband doesn't watch porn at all, but personally I would horrified if I found out he was looking at a website like this and I think you have every reason to be disgusted and upset.
I would talk to him and open up about how you feel. How do you know he won't continue looking at that stuff once you guys are married? If he's not willing to stop looking at it then I would postpone getting married for sure.
@one_thousand_to_1@xanga - To each their own. I feel the same way about porn too. I just wouldn't be comfortable with it.
If he had that much of a problem with telling you, then he probably did feel at least a little bit of shame...Tell him how you feel!
Honestly he probably only felt hesitant because he knew how you'd react. Unless you're a really open person, you cannot be surprised that he kept this from you. In the end it really is just a fantasy for the majority of us who watch porn. I am into some really messed up stuff. But when asked if I'd do any of those things in real life I reply "Hell no". It's enough for me and most other people to keep it as a fantasy. Voyeurism is actually very common. It's all about the feeling behind it, kind of how your fiance described it. He doesn't literally get off to the fact that they're laying face down drunk and unaware. It's watching their submissiveness. And frankly there are a huge amount of men and women that get off to submissiveness.
I would really talk to him about it first. You clearly didn't understand his explanation and it bothers you so it needs to be discussed. You both need to be open to each others thoughts on it too.
=( im sorry to hear that .. but if its rlly bothering you and you were considering him for marriage then u should defnitely talk it out with him.. or maybe get a guy to, so you can find out why .. i mean its possible he likes looking at those pictures b/c their natural and real life instead of porn (like he said is staged) so definitely talk it out with him .. if ur gut feeling is still negative .. ithink you should follow ur instincts .. best of luck
I don't think it's gross that he's turned on by "everyday, ordinary women", but I think it's morally reprehensible that he faps to the actual violation of people. These women didn't consent to their pictures being taken/distributed. He doesn't get to justify supporting that with "that's part of the turn on". His hard dick doesn't mitigate the disgustingness. The fact that he doesn't seem to have any moral qualms about it makes me think he probably doesn't see women as people, and that includes the OP.
OP: I think it's entirely appropriate that you're disgusted. In fact, I think you should DTMFA.
If he's going to be married to you, and sharing his body with you, why should he look at naked photos of other women? Porn is wrong...it objectifies women (and of course, men) and like you said, those girls don't even know people are looking at their photos. If you're enjoying someone's body, you should be committed to that person. A person is not an object or toy to please someone else.
Well, that is tough. I don't think it's "your fault" just because you were curious to know, I mean it's not like you predicted this, coz like you said, it's not porn, this is... something different. But from experience, I know that once you feel this way about someone, the feeling is not going to go away, it will only get worse with time. I guess the best thing to do is talk to him about it, as awkward as it seems, and tell him how much it upsets you. How willing is he to stop looking at this stuff? Find out, and work on the situation from there. I hope whatever happens, it works out for you. I would like to quote one of the previous answers, even though it's blunt, it's totally true: "His hard dick doesn't mitigate the disgustingness."
I think it's really good he shared that with you. But if this is something you can't handle, you should break up with him. Seriously, this would indeed be an issue for me. There are plenty of guys who would not like this kind of picture. I think it shows a severe lack of integrity to want to look at pictures of girls who don't even know these pictures of them exist. Good luck!
http://images1.memegenerator.net/ImageMacro/5882822/finish-fapping-close-suddenly-disgusting-porn.jpg?imageSize=Medium&generatorName=Foul-Bachelor-Frog
If it makes you uncomfortable, you need to talk to him about it. It probably won't feel better unless you do.
My boyfriend has never said anything about watching it, but I'm sure he does; he's a guy. I don't really like the idea of my man being pleased (no matter how it's done) by another woman, but haven't said anything to him about it yet. I guess when the time comes, I can only tell him how I feel about it and hope that he respects that.
i had a boyfriend who looked at these sites too. friends who do too. girls sharing pics. or guys getting screwed by their ladies, so they take revenge by sharing their pics. that is what it usually is. i have seen the sites. girl cheats on boy, boy freaks and shares her nakedness. im not saying its right but shit happens. anyway, its all about the amateur part of it. real. no exaggerated porn. the fact it is naughty as someone said earlier. he shared this with you, you asked. you cant be this way with him after he shared something intimate with you. he wont ever trust you or be comfortable around you again. at least he isnt hiding it. or looking at girls in diapers porn. i say accept it and leave him alone. its his fantasy time. he isnt judging you for your dirty sexual fantasies. i once had a boyfriend accidentally leave his porn folder out when i went to his house. i clicked on it and it was real girls showing themselves in the nude. i was freaked. he practically shoved me from the computer and x the folder. that. that there is when you ought worry. if he hadnt acted so ashamed iand explained the pics, id have been fine. but throwing me on the floor... no. i can say we are definitely not together anymore.
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@thesexydevilgirl@xanga - Then break up with him.