Tuesday, 29 March 2011
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Non Physical, (Non) Verbal Abuse
I'd like to talk about a type of abuse that I don't believe many people consider abuse.
The Silent treatment.This may sound silly to some of you, but to me, this is a very harsh form of abuse.
"What you probably didn’t realize is that the silent treatment is a form of ostracism. When someone is ostracized it affects the part of their brain called the anterior cingulate cortex. Do you know what the anterior cingulate cortex does? " Kensavage
This is the part of the body that detects pain and with that, if you are giving someone the silent treatment, not only is it emotionally hurtful, but might cause that person to feel suffering. Some of you might be able to identify this feeling with being the recipient of a break up. Can you imagine everytime that your significant other gets upset with you, you feel as though you've lost a bit of them? Sometimes...fearing it will be permanent.
It is an ultimate form of manipulation and control over another person, with severe consequence.
Sometimes I have a hard time watching my actions. I need my space after an argument to think things through. Often enough I become choked up, or even angrier than before if pushed to talk more than I am willing to. It's fine to take a small break from talking but sometimes its probably better to in a way, announce that you need some "me time" to think about things and how you want to approach it.
What's hard for me is identifying when its a good time to re-address the situation. If I don't come back to the situation in time, my spouse might consider that lingering time "the silent treatment" and often enough, I've seen it can become a power struggle of who will be silent longer. Even after things have cooled down... this behavior can cause bitterness and sometimes make a person feel as though they are "walking on eggshells."
Do you agree that silent treatment is a form of abuse? Have you ever given the cold shoulder without realizing it?
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- From: wolvenchic@xanga
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Comments (55)
I don't think it quite falls under abuse, but I do find it to be pretty immature. If you need time to think or some space after an argument, just say so! Needing space to calm down is completely normal and natural, but it's when people give others the "silent treatment" for no apparent reason that it really gets to me.
Just grow up and say you need some space, or grow up and talk about it. Don't be immature and ostracise people. I agree with you that being ostracised (be it in a relationship or otherwise) is a horrible, horrible feeling, and adults really shouldn't be responding to situations with the silent treatment.
My boyfriend and I have a "hug afterwards" policy. It doesn't matter the arguement or disagreement, at any time one of us can end the arguement by reaching out to the other. It may sound lame to you, but I feel great when he tolds me. It's like the arguement loses all of its value and can be forgotten.
If he ever pushed me away, or I him, I feel like that really would ruin a part of the relationship.
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Towards the end of our relationship, my ex used to always take off in his car during a fight and turn off his phone. I'd have no way of contacting him or know where he was going or when he'd be back at all, and honestly it was the silence that hurt me more than anything he could have said to me. That includes after the break-up, too, when he completely cut me off from contacting him (blocked me from social websites, changed his number, etc.) and that was also the part of the break-up that hurt me the most, too. Silence is a weapon for sure.
I only do it to people that really hurt me. Cause when they've hurt me that much, I don't care if I put them through that emotional pain. That is the point.
I've always thought that the silent treatment is ultimate immaturity anyway. It's as non-productive as screaming at each other, really. There's a distinct difference between needing headspace to think and just pouting to hurt the other person.
yeah, acting like the other person doesn't exist really riles up their mood when they expect you to react. it is when they can't read your emotions that the person starts to get worried because some people can't stand it when you don't give them attention. this happened with my previous female drama queen roommate, where I ignored her existence because I frankly didn't care and I directly told her that I don't care. I've done the silent treatment in relationships with guys and it was because I felt that it was a lost cause and it would waste my time to continue arguing, so I just stopped talking.
@justXforXyou_beautiful@xanga - Same thing happened to me. I'm sorry to hear that:<
Mhmm very true...
@sonnigenmai@xanga - Awww thats so cute :P
It's not always abusive. It's called "planned ignoring", but in the "silent treatment" case it's a little more malicious, I guess. I use planned ignoring with behaviors that my boyfriend displays, especially verbal behaviors. If he is saying something mean about someone else to me, such as how they look, etc, I ignore the comment.
Ignoring is a form of extinction used on maladaptive (verbal and non-verbal) behaviors, assuming that attending to the behavior will increase or maintain the rate of behaviors. People have emotional reactions as part of the extinction burst that results after ignoring their behaviors. Basically, what happens is this: They respond, you ignore, they begin responding at a lower frequency, then they have an extinction burst which dramatically increases the rate of behaviors (often accompanied by emotional reaction). If the person ignoring the behaviors perseveres in their planned ignoring, the other person's rate of behaviors should fall or drop off completely. Keep in mind that this may only happen around you, and may not generalize to other people unless they too ignore this maladaptive behavior.
YES. Silence sucks. My ex won't talk to me at all right now. I have no way of contacting him besides calling him and I'm not about to do that. It causes me pain, but I always imagine him happy, which makes me feel better. I'll probably be in pain for the rest of my life because he refuses to contact me, but that's life. Life isn't fair.
I don't think the silent treatment is the same as abuse. It just doesn't do it for me...though I do have to agree with @individually_surveys@xanga. If you have to resort to the silent treatment,then that's just sad.
i wouldn't consider this abuse, really but it does hurt. i hate being ignored especially when i feel that i am saying something really important or pouring my heart out. i also hate the one word texts & "ily" maybe this all falls under communication abuse. either way it sucks.
@sonnigenmai.xanga.com/- i love your policy & i'm gonna see if i can get my bf to agree to this.
@sonnigenmai@xanga - That's a really awesome idea.
I definitely wouldn't call it abuse. Painful, hurtful, and sometimes manipulative, but not abuse. I think that the silent treatment is definitely not a mature way to handle issues. However, not talking to someone when you are angry is not the same as the silent treatment. I don't talk when I'm angry because I have nothing to say, or if I do say something it will be horrible and mean. I believe in the policy "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." So when I'm angry, my silence is not a "treatment" or a form of abuse, it is actually a self-regulation/self-control mechanism used to prevent the potential tongue-lashing that hot-tempered people like myself are so good at giving.
I think it could possibly be a form of abuse. But only at a certain level. For example, one of my best friends began ignoring me a couple of months ago and still has yet to really speak to me. It's incredibly painful. I think when the silent treatment goes to the extent of the person essentially abandoning the relationship, then that could be abuse. But just because something hurts, doesn't make it abuse.
I think the silent treatment is one of THE most painful and devastating pains that an SO can put on you. I think there is a difference between taking time to cool down, and giving the silent treatment, and it's usually easy to tell which one is happening. But I hate being ignored, and hate problems going unresolved for a long period, it's just damaging after a while. I definitely think it's a form of abuse!
@individually_surveys@xanga - I'd agree its immature.
@sonnigenmai@xanga - It sounds really awesome that you have that kind of communication =)
@justXforXyou_beautiful@xanga - I'm sorry you had to go through that, like that.
@nimbusthedragon@xanga - Its gonna sound stupid, but sometimes I think even a shouting match is better than silence. At least in most cases the issue is addressed? If that makes any sense.
@starcrossedloversdivine@xanga - I dont know if avoiding a questtion is really the silent treatment lol, but thats not my place to make that call. From what I understand and have experienced, its when a person acts as if you aren't there until they feel they have "proved their point" or "punished" you enough by making you feel demeaned or invisible.
@Hinase@xanga - I'm not attacking you or anything, but I'm curious. Do you find manipulation or someone trying to control you abuse in a relationship? or do you see verbal abuse more as... a defined thing. Or do you believe in verbal abuse? (Just asking to get an opinion outside my box)
@ANNA_BAPES@xanga - Ok, I do appreciate your response. But do you feel as though silent treatment is a intended punishment? to "teach a lesson" or to "let them suffer"?
@JulyFire@xanga - Well, just because something hurts, doesn't make it abuse. I do agree on that. However, i think that if one person individually meant to hurt the other person with thier action as a punishment, its an abuse of trust, if not more. If someone intentionally does something to hurt someone, is it not abusive?
@eatingabook - I see that you have been though it too. I think the worst feeling sometimes is feeling like no matter what you say or do... you are "wrong" until the other person feels satified. I knew a girl who used withdrawl of sex on her husband if she didnt get her way along with continuous use of the silent treatment. The poor guy felt so horrible about himself and thier marriage that he couldnt stay with her. They divorced, and she cries at night because she never meant to hurt him so badly that he felt abused.