Monday, 28 March 2011
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Friends with Benefits is Not for Everyone (And 5 Rules for Doing it Right!)
I had written this for Mancouch about two months ago, and I decided to re-post this because I was reading another girl's post, the other day who had started up a "Friends with Benefits" relationship with her ex-boyfriend. I was glad to hear that she was really enjoying it, and it seemed from what she wrote that it was working out for the both of them. I think this will help her out, and others out there that are in a relationship like this, or is thinking about getting into one, because having a sexual relationship with a friend can be really problematic even if it is someone we used to date. In many cases one person always wants more in the end.
Not saying anything is wrong with that, but like my title says: Friends with benefits is definitely not for everyone. Most guys will say it's the women that have a hard time managing it, but I'm here to say it's not meant for some guys either.
I have had my share of friends with benefits, and in most cases they have worked out just fine. I have compiled a list of rules that I think if followed correctly will assure that: A-Nobody will get hurt, and B-Nobody will get hurt (Physically) just kidding! And when it’s all said and done you can still be good friends at the end of the day.1. Do not sleep with your friend thinking this will turn into a relationship. You definitely have to be aware that having sex with this friend of yours is not going to turn them into your boyfriend/ girlfriend. If you really want to be in a fulfilling relationship then seek one out, but do not, and I repeat do not try to create one.
2. If you want to go out on dates with other people, but still want to have your friend with benefits around then make that clear. We are all adults here (most of us anyway). Let that be known in the very beginning, because your cuddle buddy may not be OK with that. Talking about it in the beginning will be a lot easier than conversing about this when the shit hits the fan, so to speak.
2(a). Don’t dick around with anyone. If you think you’ve met someone and actually want to be with this new person, communicate it to your F.W.B. (friends with benefits), and do it face to face!3. Avoid being F.W.B. with a friend that you see a lot of. Trust me! I was sleeping with a next door neighbor of mine, and it started out OK but after seeing him out and about with other girls, and after breaking rules 1 & 2-it just left me hurt, confused, and with a six pack of Miller High Life.
4. Do not become territorial, and don’t get too comfortable. I cannot stress this one enough. The two of you are not together in a committed relationship so don’t act like you are. I've had this happen a time or two, and the entire time I was thinking if this guy really thinks we are in a relationship. (No calling or texting all the time, asking who you're with and where you are.) Unfortunately, things could always end abruptly so unless you have a definite time frame for this, I would just keep it light and easy going.
5. Don’t treat a friends with benefits relationship as a cheap commodity. Just because you and your cuddle buddy aren’t in an exclusive relationship does not mean that they don’t deserve R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Don’t be crass, and enjoy it for what it is -- A supremely awesome situation that could work out for as long as you want it to if you follow the rules!
Do you think Friends with Benefits could work for you? Are there any rules you would add to my list?
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- From: tonisweettart@xanga
- Name: toni sweettart
- Location: Seattle, Washington, United States
- About Me: I'm originally from Brooklyn NY and I'm living my life to the fullest and finally 100 % concentrating on my passion-writing! I'm a down to earth chica who loves to travel, snowboard, write!
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Comments (118)
How about "Don't open up your legs to somebody who doesn't wanna commit to you" or "Find somebody thats actually worth your time and will cherish your body". There is no right way to have a "friends with benefits" thing, one person ALWAYS falls for the other/ gets attached. One person ALWAYS gets hurt. There is no way of avoiding it....geeze when will people learn... *sigh*
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - <-----What she said :)
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I concur.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I agree.
I agree with this list. I also agree that FWB is not for everyone. Yes, even if you follow everything on this list, some people are still going to get emotionally attached and it leads to an awkward ending. But I’ve ended a few FWB arrangements without things being weird or because one of us fell for the other. My former FWB and I are still friends, just without the sex because I started dating someone.
It is entirely possible to enjoy sex with someone without being romantically interested in them. But yes, it definitely isn’t for everyone.It only works for people that just want the sex. Intimacy and sex go hand and hand with most people, so this is just fucking stupid. Im not a trashcan for your condom, dont treat me like one.
Lots of times i've noticed they tend to turn into relationships+denial, which is sort of funny but also semi-sad.
I'm sure the people who pursue these sorts of things already know what they're doing... And if they don't, just reading an article is definitely not enough.
Nice though.
I had two friends with benefits. Both ended up falling in love with me. So I cut it off.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Not true. It OFTEN happens that way, but if you're both completely honest about your feelings (and that includes being honest with yourself, too), it can work out. Like the OP said, it's definitely not for everyone though.
I've had an on-and-off FWB for over three years now, and there's hardly been any drama. And he's an ex too! Even when I told him one day, "Um, so I'm kinda seeing someone now...", we were able to break it off without any problems. Okay, it was a little rocky and confusing in the beginning, but we had some long conversations about it and laid down some ground rules and it's been smooth sailing ever since.
whatever works for other people
but I personally can't, because I'm the emotional and nurturing type, so I prefer having a bf, who I adore and will serve breakfast in bed to, not because he tells me to, but I like doing sweet things to make him smile:) if I hypothetically had a fwb, I wouldn't want to treat him nicely. I'd probably treat him like shit and tell him to get the f*** out of my face after its over and if he respects me, then I'd probably develop feelings lol so I wouldn't see it working unless I'm emotionally numb from heroin or something, which ain't happening.
@shpadoinkle12@xanga - Sorry, I still think its bull shit. I refuse to be treated like what @JulesCaesar@xanga said. "I'm not a trashcan for your condom". Idk why people degrade themselves this way (No, thats not an actual question for you to answer) and I guess i'll just never understand it. Oh well...heres to people with incredibly low standards.
i dont care what rules you try and set its all bull. i've never seen a fwb situation work out. never!
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - SO let me first start by saying that I know people are entitled to their own opinions about any and every issue, however just because people participate in friends with benefits relationships does not mean in no way shape or form that they have incredibly low standards
Not everyone wants a boyfriend or a girlfriend-.. My friends with benefits never consisted of late night booty calls. These were guys that I would hang out with in the day and night time, and sometimes we would cuddle, make out, and in some cases have sex. I understand you don't understand FWB and you have your own beliefs about it, but It's not nice , wise, or appreciated on Xanga to put people down for living their lives differently than you do.
@NadoAngel@xanga - I'm still great friends with mine
@tonisweettart@xanga - Sorry but I think letting somebody touch you that way without commitment IS, in fact, having low standards. Maybe its just because i'm a no bull shit kind of girl and the fact that I've gone through this stuff already, its not worth it. I'm not the kind of girl who will let guys have their cake and eat it too. I have standards. I deserve so much more than that, everybody does. To me, its sad to see people doing this high school crap just because they can't keep it in their pants and hold out for something better. *Shrug* I have those friends who only want hookups, people that "don't want a relationship" and you know what? They ALL have emotional issues from a previous breakup. They don't know how to handle it so of course they turn to somebody else that will give them that attention. I have NEVER seen a fwb work... they ALL end in tears....Unless you're a mindless sex robot who doesn't give a shit... then by all means, keep opening up your legs.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - i can't agree with you more. girls that let guys do this don't respect themselves. they just have self-esteem issues and need to learn respect. no guy should be allowed to have you and not call you his girlfriend in my opinion. guys don't get emotional attachments like that so it doesn't bother them but every girl i know that either had a fwb situation or hooked up felt really used and depressed about it later. just save yourselves the heartache ladies.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - yeesh. I'm sorry, but you need to know that you're just another Christian who likes to look down on people who have different beliefs and lifestyles from you.
Just because you think sex should be saved for people who are in wonderful wonderful love doesn't mean you should look down on people who don't.
Heard of something called tolerance in church, lately? :] Of course you haven't.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Agreed.
@my_horizon@xanga - I don't believe in God or any organized religion for that matter... sorry to burst your bubble ;]
FWB isn't about letting someone touch you without any commitment, but the commitment is different than in an exclusive romantic relationship. The boundaries are different. The friend part assumes trust, respect, intimacy and fair play. It's not like hooking up with a total stranger.
I think that there are some people who FWB will never work for due to their feelings about sex and what sort of relationship is appropriate for it. Others may find FWB works at certain stages in their life, but not others.
I feel lately, like FWB is all I want right now. I really like men, and I really like sex, but I really am not ready for a full blown romance, falling in love and all that good stuff.
I'm the kind of person that makes people hate friends with benefits. I'm the kind of person that will get attached, break all the rules and act like I'm in a real relationship. FWB is not for me or others like me.
@my_horizon@xanga - Here Here! @ccccourage@xanga - I feel ya chica! Im 30 years old, two degrees, a wonderful life, wonderful friends, and the best self esteem-- I love myself
I know myself, have no men issues or baggage...
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Oh okay I guess I skimmed your xanga too quickly.
So you're just self-righteous little girl who thinks she's better than everyone else who thinks differently for no reason?? Haha I don't find those too often.
@my_horizon@xanga - Or I just want better for myself and better for others then some assholes who wants to use people for sex.... *shrug* That seems a little too far fetched for you though so, I guess you can stick with your opinion.