Monday, 28 March 2011
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How Do I Stop Wondering if He Ever Cared or Will Regret Not Trying?
From an anonymous user.So long story short, 9 months of being friends with a guy and I finally got the nerve to say, "I like you" because I was tired of him staring at me and acting awkwardly, not knowing where we stood. We have hooked up but it wasn't until after about 5 months and we still spoke afterwards.
Anyway after I said that to him (because I didn't want to have any regrets) his answer was, "It's ok. Listen, we did what we did, no one got hurt, nothing became awkward at work, no one had to break up and I'm moving to Canada next year. Just not going to end well for anyone." I just said that I understood.
It was just something I knew the answer to but wanted no regrets. I wished him good luck. I get it, I need to move on. But the whole time we were friends both of us had fun, got along, I never clinged to him, and always gave ample space to have our own lives. So I just don't fully get his answer.
Did he care at all about me? I would rather be told "I don't like you" vs having someone show me all signs pointing to caring about me but then saying what he did, once I finally admit to liking him. I know this is silly but it's bugging me a little. I don't know if this matters, but last year he had a crappy breakup and was dumped.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
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Comments (27)
sounds like a situation i was (still am?) in! i was talking to this guy and it seemed like things were getting kinda serious. i had met some of his family, he best friends & their family, etc. we spent a lot of time together, blahblahblah. then he got awkward and when i called him out on it, he said that i'd been acting weird and that he was moving to california in the next few months, so it was better if it just ended there. we still hooked up, hung out, and talked to each other from time to time. the only difference in our stories is that i have some sort of closure. i know he cares about me a lot and if things were different, we'd be together. that makes things a little more difficult, but that's a whole other story.
i would just ask your guy upfront. ask him if he ever liked you, and ask him if you putting it all out in the open made him uncomfortable. my advice would just see if you can get him to open up about it.
What a Jackass. "No one got hurt".... Obviously you're hurting. I'd say talk to him about it but he doesn't even seem like hes worth it.
ive been there... just ignore him, later in your life you'll meet many fine men who wont be confusing and will LIKE YOU A TON... you'll seriously never think about this guy again or even care.
but situationwise. i get where he's coming from.. im leaving soon and that would suck to fall for someone here. -- its just better to keep things light and drama free so you're fresh and ready to date at the next place you hit. ive found guys to be very avoidant so if you want to know more go for it-- but i think he might already of told you- sounds like he doesnt want anything complicated or emotional and leaving soon makes it a tough situation, and the long distance thing. that idea sucks. its better to find someone at the place you're in who can be there. and if it was ridiculously undeniably worth it, you'd know.
but if you're uncomfortable with his lackluster answer you can try it again and make sure its in person so you can adequately corner him and have plently of time to understand everything thoroughly-- because i totally get the loose ends thing. not fun
Move on. He sounds sketchy. Learn from the situation and don't let it happen again, that's all you can do.
Ughhh I hate men who want it all and just leave when they want. Forget about him.
To be blunt, it really doesn't matter whether or not he cared about you. That might sound harsh, but by him giving you a clear end sign when you professed feelings, all you can do is move on with your life. Yes, what he said was a dick thing to say because obviously you're hurt and bothered by the situation, but it gives you an opportunity to find someone else who will be reciprocal to you as more than just a casual hook up or friends with benefits if that's what you're looking for.
Trying to talk to him about it is probably only going to make things more awkward in the long run for both of you. I've been in similar situations before (being given the cold shoulder or a shitty excuse when I've tried to see someone again) and really, sometimes the only thing you can do is just leave well enough alone. The best thing to do is just accept that things are over between the two of you and focus on making yourself happy right now.
The guy just wanted to get in your pants. Not that hard to understand. 90% of guys do this to women.
Forget about it and move on.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I agree fully.
It doesn't matter if he cared then, because he doesn't care now. But to answer your question, he didn't care much, because a guy who cared wouldn't have left things at that. He cared enough to try to be nice when he ended things, but not enough to continue the... relationship? I'm not really sure what to call hookups where the girl thinks it's something more than what it is.
Learn from it. Don't "hook up" with guys that you don't know where their feelings are. And I mean hard evidence, not stuff you read too much into with your girlfriends over ice cream.
Sounds like a friends with benefits situation, no strings attached, at least from his point of view.
As for you, you already know you need to move on, etc., so enough said there.
One thing I learned from being "one of the guys" kind of girl.... guys and gals have very different views when it comes to hooking up with a friend.
Guess what? Guys can hook up with someone and it literally not mean anything. They can be sexually attracted to someone without having any emotional feelings attached. Does this make them an asshole? No. Because you gave him permission to do this.
You didn't cling to him. You didn't try to immediately feel out what your relationship was before hooking up. You demonstrated to him that you were okay with exactly how you two spent time together without any indication that you wanted it to be different or something more. I am sure you held back those feelings because 1) you wanted him to make the first move and 2) you didn’t want to risk ruining your friendship. But the problem with that is if you aren’t willing to risk the friendship, most likely it will never develop into anything more than a friendship that has some bonus sprinkles of hooking up.
In your mind, you probably thought a magic light switch would go off and he would turn to you and say, "I want you to be my girlfriend." But guess what? Aside from the movies, that almost never happens. Sure you hear fairytale stories of a co-worker's cousin's college roommate's best friend's neighbor that had a guy do exactly this... but no girl should ever bank that it is going to happen to her.
Just as girls put guys in the "friend" zone, he put you in the "yeah we can hook up but there is nothing else there" zone. You didn't express to him that you invested romantic feelings until way after the initial hook up, so why should you expect him to think any deeper about something he thought was pretty great exactly the way it was. Guys don't sit and contemplate relationships until they are blue in the face like girls do. It was uncomplicated, fun, and made him feel good. Why would he give it any more extra thought? I am not trying to say guys are stupid or incapable of deep thought… but I am saying guys are not going to look for something that can be fixed or improved if it doesn’t feel or look broken (at least in relationships).
I wouldn’t say he didn’t care about you… he just didn’t care about you the way you wanted him to care. I am sure your friendship had value to him… but he isn’t going to cry himself to sleep thinking about what could have been. Your relationship was exactly what he wanted it to be… and in his mind there is no need to give it a second thought. I hate to sound harsh, but unless he comes back and visits, you’ll probably never see him again and you will most likely fade to just another girl in his past.
But the best part is, once you can get over it and learn from this and move on… he will fade into the background of your memory and just be some guy in your past.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - God I wish someone would have told me that back in March of last year. It would have saved me alot of heartache and humiliation.
Move on. He used you because he could and took advantage of your feelings for him. Find someone who respects you and dont settle for half ass answers whether someone likes you or not. Someone who really loves you will have no problem telling you so.
He wasn't as emotionally invested in this as you were/are.
@mydearparker@xanga - Very well put. :) I completely agree with you.
hooking up is like a final sale item that you must accept the terms upon purchase, because there are no exchange or refunds. in other words, it isn't a fair sale, but they told you that upfront, thus you can't file a complaint, so the feelings aren't expected to be reciprocated and you can't really do anything about it even if the item sucks, except feel buyer's remorse. you get what you paid for.
How do you stop wondering?
Stop thinking there is something more you could have done. If the other person isn't invested in it, then there's no point in wondering, because I can tell you that it wouldn't have worked.
@WaitingToShrug@xanga - Sage advice.
Maybe he cared, but clearly not that much, and it doesn't matter anymore because his answer clearly shows he doesn't care now. Time to move on.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - "you get what you paid for."
The important thing is to start caring about yourself, and stop caring about him. He isn't the person that you thought he was—right? You liked an imaginary being. But the person you thought he was might be just around the corner for you. But you can't attract him while you are lamenting this pitiful boy's ambivalence. You deserve love, not someone's excuses! xo, kiki
@mydearparker@xanga - Great advice.
I think he told you exactly how he felt. Move on now, before he moves to Canada. Good luck!
Love and Caring go hand-in-hand, IMO. One does not exist without the other.
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Maybe he cares in a different sense. I mean maybe the hookup is something he regrets. And maybe you were more clingy than what you thought. I mean think of it this way, you were never dating and the fact that he told you that should be clear enough to make you let go. Find someone who wants a relationship. Not someone who you somehow ended up in bed with. Good luck.
we can't, we're not mind readers.
but i'd say, leave him alone. He'll come around and when he does, don't fall for it bc that was pretty rude of him to have said what he said in the first place.