Sunday, 27 March 2011
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Is Long-Distance the Wrong Distance?
So, I have this friend who, for privacy purposes, we shall call Cora. Cora, like myself, is a sophomore in college here in Amherst, Massachusetts. However, Cora’s boyfriend, Preston, is a senior in high school in Boston—2 hours and 0 minutes away (according to Google Maps).It’s Sunday night. I’m sitting in bed reading Atlas Shrugged and just when Dagny Taggart is about to learn the truth of the real John Galt, my door slams open. My roommate glares at me, appalled. In walks Cora with a look of astonishment on her face. See, three weeks earlier Cora dumped poor Preston’s ass deeming the long distance relationship too hard, especially considering her beau is just a wee boy.
She drunkenly tells me of her lunch with Preston during our recent spring break. Their body language seemed “couple-ish,” the conversation was wonderful, there was no tension. Now Cora is panicking. For three weeks she has been thinking that breaking it off with Preston was a bad idea and now she has her proof.
“But he seemed so happy!” She is near tears. Is his happiness because of their break up? Or, is he happy because they are enjoying their time together?
He says he can’t do the long-distance thing anymore. Counting down the days was just too much torture. He misses her, too, though.
Now Cora is wondering if she should try dating Preston, again. Is it silly to expect a serious relationship at the ripe old ages of 18 and 20? If what they have is real, should Cora and Preston be expected to better endure a long-distance relationship?
I say no, it isn’t silly. They’re old enough to know whether or not a relationship makes them happy. I say yes, they absolutely should be expected to try again! But, hey… that’s just me.
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About the Author
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- From: TheDailyDane
- About Me: I'm Dane and I'm 20. Follow me on Twitter @danefeldman. I am a huge supporter of long-term relationships. What's the fun in knowing something will end in a week? Stick around for some long-term bloggin'.
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Comments (31)
If you can't handle a long distance relationship, you shouldn't be in one. Plain and simple. She should respect his wishes of not wanting that.
Two hours isn't even that far; you're in weekend visits territory there. I dated someone that lived in Hawaii when I was in Georgia.. seemed to work out pretty well, too.
The getting along well after the break up was all about not having anymore tension as a couple and feeling free. So, basically they were more relaxed. Cora needs to realize what she want and not be so insecure.
Long distance isn't for everyone. My last relationship was a LDR (I was in Philadelphia on the east coast and she was in Vancouver, BC on the west). The distance wasn't a big factor for our breakup, but it was a factor somehow. And I couldn't convince myself to just simply pack up my things and leave my east coast life behind (she simply refused to leave Vancouver).
At 18 and 20, they still have a little bit of time, but there's nothing wrong with wanting a serious relationship then. They just need to figure out how much they want that relationship (if they actually want it at all).
They just need to learn what works best for them. People break up to easily now-a-days. My boyfriend is 3 hours away and he comes home almost every other weekend. Clearly they weren't making enough of an effort to see each other. Even if they did they must not have put enough effort into understand what about a long-distance relationship they were having problems with. Once you identify the hardest parts of YOUR long distance relationship you can determine what to do to make the situation more bearable.
They should definitely try again! My boyfriend (17) and I (16) are LDR (I'm in Virginia, he's in Indiana) and there's a 10 1/2 hour distance between us!! I miss him a lot and it makes me sad that we can't see each other because of distance, but when he comes down this summer it will all be worth it. We're each other's longest relationships and it was 8 months yesterday! If we can do it, "Cora" and "Preston" definitely can. (:
GO FOR IT.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - she pretty much summed it up.
but retrospect, its much like anything in this world, if you want it to work, it will work.
I normally don't comment on things, but this one hits really close to home. My boyfriend and I broke up just last week with the main reason being that we couldn't handle a long distance relationship. He goes to school an hour and a half's drive away from me. While that normally wouldn't seem like a lot, it's a lot to ask a person to spend his weekends away from his friends as often as possible (he has a car on campus and I don't). It also takes a toll on your wallet with gas prices getting higher and higher and neither of us is exactly rolling in cash. We would end up fighting over really trivial things and in the end we just couldn't handle the distance anymore. We're both 20 and in college so while we're not completely grown up we were mature enough to realize when things weren't working. It's not because we don't love each other, and it's not because we didn't try. Long distance just didn't work for us. We both needed more than what the other could give. So no matter how much we cared for each other, it just wasn't the time or place for us to be together. There's no simple answer to whether long distance relationships work or not. It all depends on the people involved and what they need from a significant other. Just ask your friend to think about her needs and whether only seeing her boyfriend once in a while is good enough. For my relationship, it wasn't. We needed each other more than we could give. So seriously, it all depends on the people and what they need from their partner.
i think 2 hrs wouldnt be so bad if this person is the one. i REALLY liked this guy who lives across the country. NY-AZ. and i wanted to make it work, i would have killed for 2 hrs away haha if you have a car, then its not a big deal i think. But it all depends on the couple
It's not for everyone and for it to work, both parties have to be willing to make it work. Though I think regardless of financial issues, if he wants to be with her, he will do it. It seems like he doesn't want it and that's fine. I sort of agree with @PseudoEuphoric@xanga. Give or take a few things. Though I think if he's not willing, he shouldn't be forced. I was in a LDR myself when I went to go live far away (due to family issues) and my ex and I (bf at the time) was in school. Eventually it became clear he was too busy for me and thus for that reason (among other ones), we broke it off. But again, he can't be forced to do it again. I think they should both talk to each other and find out what is best for each other.
I'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, and we live approximately 2 hours away from each other too, and I'm 18 and he's 20.
But long distance relationships are hard, and they're not for everyone. Cora needs to realize that whether she wants to give it another shot or not, it doesn't mean he's going to want to. I've been in a LDR for about 8 months, 7 of those spent with neither or us having a car and only seeing each other maybe once every month. So, if they both want to give it another shot, it's definitely possible.long distance can work. if both parties feel like they can get over the physical distance, and focus on keeping each other updated and together. i'm in a LDR. he's in hawaii. x: i'm in california. crazy far distance, but we make it work.
My boyfriend and I are in a long-distance relationship but our relationship spans two different countries (Canada & US). We've hung in there for nearly three years now. It's true, long-distance can definitely tear people apart, no matter how close they are. However, if you have a definitive plan of when you're getting together again and you can schedule time for each other, then you have a chance. If you have mistrust, you have no chance at this kind of life. It will eat you from the inside. If you can't handle not knowing how they really feel about you or about the long distance, then you need to find out. The worst thing about a long distance relationship is the waiting and not knowing whether you can continue this kind of life. I've been there. But this is our life. We have to take planes to see each other, but for us, that's the relationship we knew it would be from the beginning.
if your friend thinks she could handle that kind of life, then I think it's worth to try it. There's only one of each person in the world! Why not take the time and take your chances.
Tell your friend to be honest with herself and her guy. It can be worth it, but it also might not be. It's important to know the difference.
I think they really need to consider why they called it quits in the first place. If "Cora" feels like she couldn't handle it, and now "Peter" feels them same way, then HEY! There's the answer. No go. LDRs are hard. They suck ass. And they can't let one Spring Break tell them to be together or not if they can't handle it.
If you can't handle the distance then the relationship wasn't meant to be. If it is "meant to be" both parties will get through it. If one person can't handle it then it can't work since a relationship is a mutual agreement between two people.
i think they should try again, 2 hours really isn't bad.
Um...how sure are they of staying together? They both sound like they can't do it. I would say...split for a while and then evaluate. If it's meant to be, they'll miss each other so much it's unbearable and long distance will be better than nothing. 18 and 20 isn't young. My friends are 21 and 22 and engaged/going to be engaged. And they're both guys...yeah.
@poetryinprogress@xanga - Great advice.-.
If they can't handle the LDR then there's no use forcing it. Sure, when they spend time with each other, they remember what it used to be like, together and so they want to try again. However, if they can't endure the distance apart, then their life will be difficult and full of painful moments. I'm in a LDR of about 3 hours apart. I have to admit, it was hard at first because I really missed him, but eventually, I learned to accept it. I just needed to keep myself busy and we do see each other like every 3weeks or 1month. We also talked on the phone and web-cam on skype. Both my bf and I graduated, so that made it a bit easier.
I can see why your friend is struggling because they are really young and her bf will start college soon and he would want to experience college life and all the fun. If your friend is torn right now, she can either decide to try again (which is a natural tendency since she never removed herself from him completely as a breakup). Or she can just let it go and move on because her bf did say he can't stand the LDR. Only she can decide for herself and once she makes the decision, she'll realize if it's right or wrong. Once she sobers up though, it's best to think carefully about it before jumping into the relationship that failed once because of the long distance.
LDRs totally suck. Plus Cora already told Preston she didn't want to continue (hence the breakup), and Preston expressed the same sentiment. So what is really left to discuss?
The thing that makes LDRs worth it is when you have some future point when you know that the relationship will no longer be long distance. My last LDR didn't work out primarily because neither of us really wanted to do long distance, we couldn't afford to see each other more than a couple of times a year, and we had no idea when/if we'd ever live in the same place again. If you can't talk often, see each other relatively often, work really hard at making the other person a priority and make plans to both live in the same place at some future point, a LDR is not for you.
If he says he can't do the distance, then they shouldn't try again. If they both agree that they want to make it work despite the distance, then they should definitely try again.
I, however, will never do a long distance relationship again. I mean, if my boyfriend has to move, then I will certainly try it, but I would never start a relationship that's long distance. I've done it a few times, and in my mind, it takes so much longer to get to know someone. That "honeymoon" stage lasts 10 times longer, and it takes a while to find out if that person is really right for you.
The reason I want a relationship is so I have someone to hang out with, be physical with, talk to, feel safe with. In a LDR you only get a fraction of that a fraction of the time and it is not enough for me. I've had people say I am immature for being that way, but it is how I feel. I would hate to spend my high school or college years not having all the fun and benefits of an up close and personal relationship. I would hate to do that at any time in my life, but at a time when most people around me were coupled and I was a tag a long, it just wouldn't be worth it. I don't think it's shallow to just want to enjoy all those normal things in life with a partner on a day to day basis.
If I'm getting throw labels like "boyfriend" and I can enter you on a regular basis, then something is not working. Probably the label "boyfriend."