Saturday, 26 March 2011
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Second Wife?
So the boyfriend and I have been dating for some time now, and things couldn't be any better as far as our chemistry goes. The talk of marriage and a future has also been mentioned time after time again. The only problem is he has had a previous marriage and has a young teenage daughter. I on the other hand, have not.As the time nears, and feelings deepen, this factor has been bothering me more than usual compared to when I first started dating him, and did not care for anyone's past. He's had quite few...okay, A LOT of relationships in his past, whereas I've had two. He has traveled many places with these women, whereas I have not seen anywhere besides a few states that I've visited with family. I feel as if I'm a secondhand, and just jumping on his filled up bandwagon.
I spoke to him about the way I feel, and his response was his feelings for me are different than his first marriage. You see, I was aware from the beginning that he was "forced" into his first marriage, and hence wasn't in it wholeheartedly. The ex wife's family pressured him because he was taking too long to marry the woman. This time around, he actually wants to marry me and build a future.
Good stuff right? But it doesn't stop bothering me that another woman had his hand in marriage first. Emotions and dreams you have of experiencing first life stages with someone are gone. Being scared walking the aisle, moving into your first home, or holding your first child in your hand, are things I looked forward to sharing with someone for the first time, and me being their first. He's already been there, done that.
So my question is..
Am I overreacting about being the second wife? How do I overcome these feelings of jealousy towards his past, so I don't completely screw our future??
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- From: melllisa@xanga
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Comments (10)
I think what you are feeling is totally normal. Just just in marriage - many girlfriends have the same feelings when their boys have already had a very serious relationship.
Just remember the first relationship ended for a reason. Whatever he felt was not enough, and probably doesn't exist anymore. He is also chosing you for a reason. He sees in you everything that was missing in her - he appreciates just that much more exactly who you are. Just because he's already experienced things once with her doesn't mean they will be any less beautiful, or meaningful, with you.
M
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Does he talk about his past a lot? If so, tell him that it's making you jealous and you don't wanna hear it. Knowing too much of a person's past can hurt a relationship. I know from experience. My husband has told me that he wishes I wouldn't have told him about my whole past because he is a very jealous person as well. I've talked to him about it and he says that even though he gets jealous about those things, he stays with me because he loves me more than anything and he's hoping to get over it.
I know it's easier said that done to just get over those feelings--I, myself, used to be a very jealous person--but you just have to work at it. A little jealousy is okay because I believe that's how you know you love someone, but too much can ruin your relationship. He can't change his past. The things you need to focus on are... Do you trust him to not go back to those women? Do you love him enough to work out even the most difficult problems? And also, if the relationships failed because of HIM, find out the reason. People do change, but a lot of times they don't.
In the end, it's your decision to make. I'm not telling you to stay or leave. Just make sure he's the one you want to stay with for the rest of your life, and make sure he has the same feelings.
Sorry if I didn't really help you...
I see what you're saying. I'd be jealous, too. not just the "firsts" in the experiences, but I don't think that I'd really want to be a step-mom to his daughter even if she is a wonderful person. immature I know but that's how I feel and she will just be a reminder of his ex-wife. I mean I don't mind adopting a child if the child has no past relations to him or us, but this connection bothers me. that's why I don't date men with kid(s).
@sonnigenmai@xanga - Agreed
Considering it sounds like his past bothers you a lot, yes, I think you're overreacting. He hasn't murdered anyone or anything else after all. I think you should be reasonable to the fact that you are not and will not be the first to experience a lot of things in life. You should view your partners experiences as an asset to your relationship. He is refined! Be glad you aren't the first wife he was foolish enough to be 'forced' to marry etc. Sounds like he's learnt his lesson, and is wiser for it. Look at his past experiences in a positive light. For example, use him as your travel guide when you travel etc.
I also think it's normal that you feel this way; if I were in your shoes my crazy mind would be filled with ideas of how I must be second-best, or wondering how in the heck this marriage would work if his first one didn't. Not to mention jealousy because I couldn't be the first, and wondering if he had feelings for the first wife still. BUT, I would tell myself (and you) to try and remember that even though marriage is a serious thing, every relationship is different and I think marriage is the same... if he says that the first marriage was lacking in the romanticism and excitement a marriage should have (because of it being forced) well, believe it. Go into this, the best you can, thinking that it's completely separate from the other, because it is. If his child is in your life at all, make an effort to be comfortable with them and adapt to having them around, being family also. If you end up not being able to feel comfortable with the idea of marrying him at all, well you know it isn't right. But if you know that you want to marry him, you will find a way eventually to make it feel better mentally :) wishing you the best!
i didnt date this great guy because of that. didnt want the drama and knew i could find someone perfect without the baggage. some days i regret it though--- but i usually dont. but i think what you're feeling is perfectly normal, you might be overreacting a bit. the fact that he felt 'pressured' to marry so did so, just like that, kind of scares me. but i wouldnt worry about being second best or any of that nonsense, clearly they didnt work and you're in his life for a reason. -- its kind of a bummer in some ways, but also a blessing. use his experience to your advantage.
also i wouldnt be too worried about the travel thing. i think we all have sort of habits we do with pretty much everyone we meet/spend a lot of time with. for some thats travel, others its doing something crazy, others its telling your deepest feelings and repeating yourself over and over. everyone kind of has a style.. and its just their passion. i wouldnt be worried, just look forward to all the fun travel ahead:) -- i dont think it devalues anything, because each experience is completely unique and special and dependent on the people involved.
The feelings are normal, but if you don't think you can get past all that now, you won't later. My sister married a man with an ex wife and a toddler, and she hates those things about him, but guess what? Those things are a part of him now! It's his past and it can't change. You can either learn to accept it, or walk out the door, those are the only options you have.
It's pretty normal. My wife struggles with those same feelings at times.