Friday, 25 March 2011
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Make Sure She Swallows & Here's Why
Revisiting a news story of past, I was reminded of the great preventative measure that is swallowing - if you're dating a psycho, anyway. You see, safe sex isn't just about dry-humping while sporting three condoms and going at it from behind at the same time; it goes much further than that, and I have the evidence to prove it.Like many men, Dr. Richard O. Phillips was surprised to receive a paternity lawsuit from Dr. Sharon Irons, a former lover, two years after having shared the pleasures of oral sex. Confused, he went for the tried-and-true DNA test, which revealed that he was in fact the father of the child, except it was delivered with sub-Maury Povich charisma and significantly less fanfare.
"How could this be?" he thought to himself, as any rational man would. As it turns out, Dr. Irons had preserved Dr. Phillips' sperm and used it to impregnate herself; an act so creepy and vile that even some of the world's masters of prolific breeding had to shake their furry little heads (rabbits, for the uninformed). But a simple question stood erect: Was she legally entitled to the sperm?
According to Irons, "When Richard 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift — an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee. There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request.” This claim put my penis into hiding faster than the 2007 horror flick entitled "Teeth" which starred Jess Weixler, playing the role of a teenage girl with a condition called "Vagina Dentata." Just use your imagination on that one for a second.
One of Dr. Phillips' claims was that the actions of the defendant caused him emotional trauma, up to a point where he had trouble eating and sleeping, or as he put it, "Feelings of being trapped in a nightmare." It wasn't the paternity lawsuit that stated he had to pay $800 per month in child support that caused this - it was Dr. Irons' actions in its entirety.
You see, prior to having sexual relations (strictly oral sex), it was agreed upon that children were out of the question outside of wedlock by both parties. Since this is the case, it can be inferred that she intentionally engaged in these acts of oral sex in order to harvest Dr. Phillips' sperm, and use it to artificially inseminate herself. To further show her nefarious intentions, it was later confessed that she was still married to her former husband, but had the full intention of filing for divorce.
She filed a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage soon after, in which she swore she wasn't pregnant. Dr. Phillips had enough of her tomfoolery, so he terminated the relationship, but unfortunately never had a chance to terminate the fetus. All in all, her intentions were crueler than Sarah Michelle Gellar's, which gave Dr. Phillips the upper-hand in the case - or so you would think.
As it turns out, another victory was chalked up for the child support system! In the event that Dr. Phillips had a more competent lawyer, this wouldn't have been the outcome and he wouldn't be paying malicious child support to the sum of $800 per month. It's like he's been sentenced to continuously pay a hooker for a single blowjob, which probably wasn't even that good anyway. Sometimes it feels as if the law encourages women to pull these kinds of stunts.
If men can be held responsible for the consequences of the good old "spit-and-wipe" technique employed by women, then I say swallow and wallow. Say it with me: Swallow and Wallow. Wallow in the richness of male protein shakes. Men: Please eat fruits. It may one day save you from the awful fate of Dr. Richard O. Phillips. You can thank me later.
So whose side are you on? And do you agree with the decision to make him pay child support?Sincerely,
Nuñez Love Doctor.Certified with a PhD in Fruitarian Sperm Dieting & Maneaters.
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About the Author
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- From: AsylumBlue
- About Me: The musician in me is constantly dueling with my inner writer, trying to take its place. What I'm attempting to do is allow them to live harmoniously, but it seems that I'm a terrible peacemaker, because they haven't stopped bickering or flinging spit-balls at one another. I write political satire, short stories, poems and... actually, I can pretty much write about anything; I'm flexible (not physically, unfortunately). If I had to choose, it would be writing softcore romance novels full of seduction, extramarital affairs and incredibly specific details. I'm kidding about that last part, I think.
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True Lifetime
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Comments (93)
that's a sticky situation to be in... and one twisted sick woman...
'no soup for you'... crazy... not too mention the legal bills...
That bitch is crazy. The child support office is doing it's job regardless of how a child was born or how it was conceived. People will always abuse the system but some genuine people do need it.. My mother is a single mother and since our dad didn't do much to raise us, it was best for him to pay child support and even then, he's having trouble with that.
The second photo is creepy.
Hilarious pictures.
Um... what the fuck, woman?!
on a jerry springer episode with a lesbian couple, the female actually said that she used a turkey baster to impregnate herself because she didn't want to have sex with a man, and the syringe method worked. he was an aware donor though.
what she did was wrong but I sort of agree that if it is in her mouth, it is hers lol!
I personally feel like he should have been given a choice as the whether or not he wanted to pay child support. Yes he was "intimate" with this woman, but he was not aware of her intentions of getting pregnant...regardless of how she went about it.
"One of Dr. Phillips' claims was that the actions of the defendant caused him emotional trauma, up to a point where he had trouble eating and sleeping, or as he put it, "Feelings of being trapped in a nightmare." It wasn't the paternity lawsuit that stated he had to pay $800 per month in child support that caused this - it was Dr. Irons' actions in its entirety."
This makes me think that he would have supported his child by paying child support, whether it was forced or not, but the REAL issue was how this woman went about getting pregnant.
That's really fucking creepy! As for child support, I don't think he should be made to pay it. He didn't have sex with her. She chose to make herself pregnant, so it should be her responsibility. He did nothing wrong here.
Wow that woman is freaking crazy. He shouldn't have to pay. He did not give permission for his sperm to be put into her vagina. He was forced into having a child without consent and without even knowing.
It's ridiculous to even think that he'd have to pay. I don't care if it is his, he didn't chose it.
Yeah I don't think he should be required to pay in this circumstance. Child support laws in this country are ridiculous and really don't give the men any rights whatsoever, granted that some of these are necessary to get the really horrible deadbeat dads but its not fair that has to transfer over to decent men who get abused by this system.
the woman semi-raped him?
I heard a story like this but I'm not sure if it's exactly the same one. I remember my teacher telling me that the girl wanted to get pregnant and the guy didn't so she impregnated herself with his semen in her mouth..
That's freaking crazy. There's no way that woman deserves a dime of that man's money!
wow. craaaaaaazy
that happened to a guy i know with his psycho ex.. yeah sickening..
Ew! What a sick woman
Dudes, don't have any kind of lemon sauce with dinner. Found that one out the hard way.
Bitch is crazy. Of course I'm on the guy's side! Seriously - who does that? Go to a sperm bank!
No, no, no! That is wrong of her. If she wanted the sperm for a baby, whatever--free sperm donor. But, as sperm donors do not pay for child support, neither should he.
I've never heard of this, but I HAVE heard of men taking off the condom during sex or poking holes in them to get a woman pregnant against her will. He should pay child support because he has a child. Sometimes life isn't fair.
He engaged in an activity that should not have posed any risk of pregnancy. It's not something that could reasonably have been expected. She did force him into having a child. If he had had intercourse with her, this would not even be an issue, but their activities cannot bring on parenthood unless a psycho decides to make some crazy decisions last minute.
I think he should be treated as a sperm donor- not responsible. Or, if they make him pay, perhaps it should be at a much-reduced rate. Because it's not the child's fault, but it's not really his fault either.
I think it's like... if a person was swinging a baseball bat with the intention of illustrating how to swing it correctly. And the person being shown just knowingly walked right into its path before it could be stopped. And then the guy got sued to pay for the injury. That would be screwed up, and so is this.
This is nothing compared to that woman who did the hump-dee with a dead guy and got pregg-o then is trying to sue his estate for child support, but anywho..
Is that 2nd picture supposed to be sexy or something?
Because I 'm just thinking it looks like someone is gonna have to clean that mess off the floor.. ho hum hmmm.. haha (and what a waste of fruit-loops... Q-Q)
@Cosmar@xanga - Even worse, she's probably underage and had someone take her pics on the kitchen floor in her parents' home.
@Cosmar@xanga - Not sexy, just humorous haha. It's a goofy girl trying to simulate what it would look like to get creamed on all over, and the bowl of cereal happens to contain Fruit Loops. I placed the picture right after having discussed eating fruits to make it taste better. Get it? :D
My little jokes in these posts of mine are too obscure for anyone but myself to notice sometimes, don't feel bad about it. :p
Especially since it's getting harder and harder to find good wire hangers these days. Not to mention valid excuses for her "falling down the stairs."