Tuesday, 22 March 2011
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The Grey Area Between Hooking Up and Dating: Why You DON’T Want to Be There
The writer wishes to remain anonymous.I met a guy at a party about two months ago. I was drunk, he was drunk and off to his place we went. We hooked up but didn’t have sex. We cuddled and talked all night long and in the morning he drove me home.
The following night I got a call from an unknown number, it was him. I tried not to sound too excited, but the simple fact that he called instead of texted was a plus in my book. He invited me to the gym and back to his place to hang out, which turned into me showering over there (alone) and us having a weeknight sleepover. Three indications that this was not just a hook-up.
I slept over his house three or four times a week. I brought my toothbrush over there and slept in his clothes. I decided I was ready to have sex with him about two weeks in. It was a lovely night full of wine, movie-watching, and of course fucking.
Early on we established what we wanted, or at least we thought we did. He said he didn’t want to date me and I said I didn’t want to be used for sex. So we became friends with benefits, but the benefits came before the friendship.
He taught me how to cook and agreed to watch my favorite TV shows. I loved it. He texted me almost every day and was always the one to initiate it. I smiled each time. He played his guitar and brought me food in bed. I felt like a princess. He introduced me to his roommates. I could spend hours talking to them. He came to my dance show and brought his friends. I was very impressed.
I really opened up to him. I told him about my past and how I was ready for a change. He listened and seemed to really care. Tears filled my eyes. Emotions were now involved. And after all of this we were no longer just hooking up, but we weren’t dating either. There were no labels involved but we did do couple-y things.
Things went downhill after the initial fun and games. He had his cake and wanted to eat it too. I wanted to keep things going how they were. Although dating him would have been nice since that was essentially what we were doing, I was okay with the friends with benefits situation—as long as we both benefited from it.
After the first month of making all the right moves, I realized “Mr. Nice Guy” was too good to be true and no matter how much I loved the attention, he was clearly not worth my time. I left his house crying way too many times. He got mad when I came over to hang out but didn’t pleasure him. He said we could chill but then decided it was too late. He asked for a blow job but said he didn’t want me to stay the night. He even said, “Girls shouldn’t have a problem doing that for guys they like.”
Then he admitted that he only wanted to hook up when he wanted to, not when I wanted to, and that he didn’t want me to stay the night or anything. He was doing exactly what he said he wouldn’t do—using me.
Have you ever been in a situation like this? How would you react?
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Comments (47)
I prefer the term "intoxication followed by insertion, on a semi-regular basis."
Omgg I am so happy you posted this, I'm going through a slightly similiar thing now! I had been hooking up with this guy for over a month without dating. The first time we hung out, we both spent the night in my friends room & somehow we ended up sleeping in the same bed, and of course hooking up. What had started out as an actual thing of us talking, hanging out & then hooking up, but at the same time, getting to know each other ended up with him just using me and me being to stupid and naive to realize it. He started disrespecting me & only inviting me over, or texting me at night when his roommate wasn't there so we could hook up. I got upset that he wasn't interested at me anymore, just my body and I started doing what he wanted, meaning pleasuring him. This was the week that I found out he really liked my friend but I didn't care, I thought that it was just because they were best friends, my friend was taking it out of hand. Well, Saturday night, he tried to have sex with me. I'm still a virgin & was definetly not going to loose my virginity to him. He got mad & ended up texting the friend who I mentioned above all night. He wouldn't even hold me or talk to me, and I felt so uncomfortable. He even had my friend text me telling her to tell me to leave when I was still there in the morning. I was devestated & he hasn't texted me since. I'm trying so hard to get out over it & him, but its so hard. Guys can screw around with whoever they want & with girls, no matter how hard they try not to, there is always feelings involved. But I think I learned my lesson, I don't care that we're in college and everyone is hooking up. There is no reason why a guy should have access to my body, but not care enough about me for us to have a title.
Ohhh, and I hope you can get over this, and I hope I can do. Any guy who disrespects or uses you is not worth your time. If you ever need to talk girl, I'm here. /:
How could you say that you didn't want to be used for sex and hook up as in friends w/ benefits? That is contradictory which of course leads you to issues. The whole point of fwb is to use each other. I recommend watching the movie "No Strings Attached" if you haven't seen it already. Well in that movie, the guy respects the girl b/c he is the one falling for her, a different story.
Don't agree to be someone's friends with benefits if sex is not the only thing you're looking for. He made himself clear the most he wanted out of you was the sex so that should've been the first clue. Even if he did some nice couple-ly things with you if he couldn't agree to date you then obviously you weren't a big priority. You're wanting more than what he's expecting so I think this "relationship" has run its course. You should do yourself a favor and extract yourself from the situation. Friends with benefits are using each other...for sex, so I can't really say I'm surprised. Don't settle for that if that's not what you want, you're just hurting yourself. Honestly, I can't blame the guy, because he did make himself clear that he didn't want anything more from you. At least he had the decency to do that, some don't...
"Friends" with benefits is the most asinine idea that ever materialized.
The thing is to make sure you know what you want and explain it clearly (I'm sure there will always be some misunderstanding but if you make it clear enough, then the risks of that are decreased); Yes, there are very thin lines of a hook up and a friendship, but you have to be careful not to cross them. It seems like you did. And it seems like he's showing his true colors. I suggest getting out of that friendship with benefits. You could do so much better than that.
I shook my head as I read about the things he did to you, some things happened to me that happened to you. Sometimes I regret ever doing anything with the guy but then if it never happened I may not have learned anything which makes me siiiiiiigh. I didn't know better then, I was new to dating and he knew it which is why he was able to use me. But, low and behold, that wasn't what he wanted to do....he didn't want to 'string me along' but he did anyways. He tried calling me over some nights but the distance and the fact that I still lived at home stopped me, otherwise I may have gone. We never had sleepovers but he always made it seem like there was something with the shit that he said. It wouldn't be a straight come over, do it and leave...there was going out for dinner after and hanging out which made it seem less obvious that he was using me cause you think 'oh if hes using me we won't hang out after'. Clever on his part but after finding out what he is like...what he is capable of, even to a girl that was there for him and supported him in whatever messed up drama he made for himself, I'd never want to end up with him. Theres a good chance he'd do it again and even if he didn't, I dont really want to know that my guy treated other girls with such disrespect and if he changed for the better then good for him but that still doesn't mean he's good enough for me. You know what you deserve and you know its not what that guy gave you. You know what you have to do but the thing that makes it hard is the lies hes going to tell you. He says one thing but does another. This is when 'actions speak louder than words' comes in. I'm sure you've fantasized what you want your guy to be like so find him. He does exist. You want to be appreciated, and the man you want is not going to make it all about him. He's going to give you the time of day, call you to hang out and talk, sex is important but it certainly isn't everything. All the other components to dating and being in a relationship are just as important. Hand holding won't be an issue and you won't be confused all the time. It is a really wonderful feeling. Friends with benefits is tricky, whether you want it or not I still think you deserve more than that. That situation is worth getting hurt over. You are either all in or you aren't. Good luck finding your man!
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - i'm glad you are better =)
i don't want a hamburger, i want a cheeseburger without cheese.
@let_the_right_one_in@xanga - I really love that description.
I can't say I've been there before, but sounds like it sucks!
Sounds like he's a nice guy that has some commitment issues, possibly from being burned in the past by a loved one, girlfriend or not.
I had an in-between relationship like this. When it first started off, although it would be often that he asked me to hang out, it was still under his terms. After a while, i started seeing a pattern when he would sometimes say no whenever i asked him to hang out, there were times where he did follow through when i asked sometimes under my terms...but then he went back to his old ways of wanting it to be on his terms only, so i said i'm not dealing with that anymore if he's going to continue to be like that.
he's changed now and for the better we are both hanging out sometimes under both our terms because we sat down and talked about it and it's been better than ever. i dunno if that will work for you, but a good talk with my dude worked for me.
you kinda contradicted yourself... you set boundaries that you were already crossing as they were being laid. not saying you deserve what you got, but i think you really should have seen it coming.
@Jewelbeetle@xanga - Totally agree with you.
i can relate. fully. props to you. dont let anyone do that. its so hard to walk away
Wow stop embarrassing my gender. HE TOLD YOU HE DIDN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP. "Emotions were now involved." And who got them involved? YOU.
People always say friends with benefits doesn't work out, and oftentimes it doesn't because the girl all of a sudden feels like things have "changed" and that there's "more to it." Then she tells the guy, who is less than pleased, and she goes off ranting about how he "used" her for her body and led her on. Bitch, please. This boy was up front with you from the moment this relationship began. You can't pull the "I'm a poor girl and he used me for my body" card because you consented to exactly that.
The only part where I sympathize with you is when you say that he only wanted to hook up when he wanted it, not when you wanted it. If I get a fuck buddy, he better ALWAYS say yes when I want to fuck. If you're my fuck buddy, you'd better want to fuck me when I want you to.
Yeah, sorry. :/ I was sort of in this situation, only the emotions on both sides were "secretly" deeper. Kind of stupid in my opinion. BUT there's more to finding a mate to marry than attraction and love. So oh well.
@let_the_right_one_in@xanga - ahahahahaha nice.
So here's the thing. He told you that he didn't want to date you. When a guy tells you directly that he doesn't want to date you, he means it. So you can't turn around and get mad at him for not dating you.
You said you didn't want to be used for sex. And then you agreed to be a part of a relationship that, by definition, is all about sex. You contradicted yourself there.
Looks like you need to be honest with yourself. And find someone who wants the same thing you do.
not really, I haven't been in that situation.
I usually make sure that I have the guy wrapped around my fingertips, then I work my magic and very soon, he wants to marry me, but I reject him, then he still wants me badly because I'm a challenge. I use my mind controlling powers to put him on a whirlwind adventure that he can't get enough of without having sex with him. that's how good I am. use your own charm to get what you want:) if you have their mentality figured out, then you can use it against them. it is quite fun. good luck. I may or may not be kidding
@BlueDuel@xanga - i think there's a difference between friends with benefits and being used, friends with benefits is mutual, getting used is something different. she wanted to hook up too, so it was initially mutual, but he wasn't willing to make it equal and please her the same ways she was pleasing him which is what made it using her.
I'm there now. I'm calling a spade a spade. I've liked this guy a long time and was curious how he'd be in bed, how WE'D be in bed. Now I know, and it's really nice. The thing with hooking up is that it whether or not it occurs in the context of a romantic relationship or not, it HAS to be concentual. If either party isn't OK with it, it isn't going to happen.If there is an incompatibility in how often or what style the hook up occurs, there is going to be issues.
Yes, there are feelings, and misgivings and concerns, but I've never had a romantic relationship that didn't have those either. FWB isn't for everyone, and doesn't work in all situations, or even for a certain person at all times. Go in with your eyes open and be ready to walk when the time comes...um, JUST like you would be in any other kind of relationship. When it's no longer working for you, it's time to get out. I've had to bail on regular friend relationships too, when it got to the point where I felt I was being used or just didn't have the energy for the drama anymore. I mean, it's no longer FWB when the benefit part has withered away.
Sorry, but you pretty much had it coming.
@my_horizon@xanga - Hit the proverbial nail on the proverbial head.
Consenting to an FWB situation is basically consenting to being used. You're both there to use each other for sexual pleasure and that's it. There's no rule that says you can't be friends (provided you can make it work) but you can't consent to an FWB situation and then get mad because the guy just wanted to have sex and not date you. If he wanted to date you, he would have said he wanted to date you.
The brutal honest truth is that most guys only enter into FWB situations with girls they have no intention of dating. The only difference is in the methods. I personally would not do "couple-y" things in an FWB situation because that muddies things up and creates room for emotional involvement and I would have made damn sure that the girl both understood and accepted what was happening, but that's me. If you're seriously going to have a "fuckbuddy" it has to be treated like a business contract with strict rules that both parties have to abide by.