Monday, 21 March 2011

• Singing Like Enrique Iglesias Will Get You Laid

  

  Don't even lie about it, women. If a guy approached you with seductive looking eyes and started crooning like Enrique Iglesias, you'd melt faster than the cheesy lines being delivered with warm, spine-tingling breaths to the ear. This process would be sped up even further if you were being sung the Spanish renditions.

  I don't care who you are or if you're engaged to a boring investment banker who foots your shoe bills, this will work on you without fail - unless you have a malfunctioning vagina. Another reason could be that your hormones and libido were drained by the unsatisfying sex you've been getting from limp-dicked busta'-ass marks.

  In fact, it doesn't matter what you sing or say as long as you keep sounding like Enrique's singing voice. I could sing about boiling eggs and rubbing ointment all over my body in that voice, and I'd still get you in bed faster than you can say "Escape."
  

  Let me tell you a story.

  I was walking towards one of my favorite places in the city to dance, which is called Beauty Bar. At this bar/lounge/whatever, you can drink while getting a manicure if you're a woman or a guy and into that sort of thing, I guess. It's an old beauty salon turned nightclub, so you can already count on there being plenty of women.

  As I strolled in and and got past a crowd of unfavorable people by the beauty section, I entered the dance floor and got something to drink before I began my experiment. As I surveyed the room, I noticed that there weren't that many attractive women to challenge myself with.

  Seeing as I like a good challenge, I danced around for a while and swallowed back a glass of straight Jack, after having brushed my teeth with it, of course. I could already see and feel some eyes undressing me from afar, so I shot back my Zoolander-like squinted eyes look which I haven't named yet.

  I like to keep my own little space sometimes, but I had women shaking their asses all over my area, and that's just plain rude. They slyly creep towards you and pretend to be dancing on their own, but they're actually waiting for you to strike a conversation or pull them into a dance.

  Before long, I came into contact with a group of attractive girls in their late teens/early twenties dancing off to my right. One of the girls, a cute, short brunette who was all up on her hot blonde friend, was giving me the eyes, so I decided to start things off then and there.

  I went up to the girl and told her that the taller blonde friend wasn't a stripper pole to be latching on to her like that. She immediately stepped aside and smiled, so I grabbed her by the hand and told the two friends that I needed to scold her for a second, but that she'd be back soon enough.

  I gave her a sip of my drink as a reward, and started having a fun little conversation with her about the terrible, drunken dancing that was taking place all around us. I sat her down with me nearby to facilitate the conversation, and began to talk about my theory.

  Since I have a pretty good singing voice and semi-practiced beforehand, I was ready to turn her into molasses. After striking the first few notes of "Hero," she had an uncontainable giggle and couldn't keep still. I kept singing at her ear to overcome the blaring music, and said something to her in Spanish.

  She was really receptive to the slight touches against her body, and my "accidental" lip brushes against her ears whilst singing. Her friends decided to come over almost immediately after I finished singing, and we all had a good laugh and decided to head out.

  The short brunette girl wouldn't let go of my arm, so I reminded her about what I had said earlier involving poles and blondes. She didn't listen, so I spanked her on the ass which she really liked. I was invited to go back to her dorm room for "some more drinks" and to "hang out" for a while, which could only mean one thing....

  Singing like Enrique Iglesias will get you laid.

  I've been practicing up on my imitation of his singing voice and perfecting my ridiculously seductive glance for better effect. I've since decided to open up a workshop where I train my pupils to sing like Enrique and squint at themselves in the mirror for two hours a day.

  There's just something about his voice that brings out the innermost primal desires of women to be taken and made love to. The heat and intensity of sex being passionately made to the sounds of the Spanish language is just too much for some to handle. The look in the eyes, and flesh against flesh; sweaty and beautiful under dimmed lights.

  How easily would you be seduced by a man singing like Enrique Iglesias?
  Do you get turned on when guys speak to you in foreign languages?

  "Would you dance if I asked you to dance?"

  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in Crooning and Spooning.

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