I'm almost 24 years old. I'm just about finished with my last semester of college and ready to go on into the real world. Along with tackling what the world has to offer, I'm also ready to find myself someone who I can spend time with, take out to dinner, take on walks in a park, and other simple things in life like picking apples at an orchard.
But, it then kind of begs the question that I started to think about tonight:
Do the things that I do or don't do deter girls away? I'm not talking about drug abuse or anger issues. I'm talking about activities for a date. I remember talking to a friend (who also used to be someone I was interested in) about why she recently broke up with her boyfriend.
She told me that she is 23 and that she still wants to go out, have a good time at the bar and drink, despite being a single mother. She also wanted someone who can share that experience with her, and not just let her go out and do whatever, which is what her ex did. He wasn't too much into the social scene of hanging out at bars or drinking or things like that.
So, it got me thinking:
is it because I don't hang out at bars or similar things that a lot of girls would find me boring? I do drink, but it is more for just something to drink. I rarely get pissed drunk and go to parties (unless I'm in a celebratory mood for a birthday or party). I don't go to clubs because I don't really dance.
What I do do is have nice dinners and have a nice conversation about anything involving the other person. I like to do fun activities like go karting, play some sports, take nice walks, go to concerts when I have a chance, or even just sit at home and chat. There will be the occasional times where I do go to a bar, but only when I have one or a few friends to accompany me.
I understand that not all girls are wild and crazy and need to party hard all the time. But
it seems that for some, like my friend, if her boyfriend doesn't experience it with her, it's a deal breaker. A girl that I started to become interested in, for all I know, does things in a similar fashion that I do. She doesn't really party very hard, she's very hard working, and she likes to enjoy simple activities. I am hoping to ask her to lunch sometime soon and just have a nice time with her.
My question to you is,
do you have a set of activities that your SO must share with you? Is it a deal breaker if they don't? Do you do things that you normally do not do in order to get someone interested in you, or do you stay your course and hope to find someone of the same realm?
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Comments (70)
My guess is that there are going to be plenty of women who say that your activity list is just fine. For most, it is. College girls, however, are much harder to pick up if you're not a partier. It could just be the scene you're looking for girls in.
The following may or may not be applicable: The nice conversation, nice dinner thing could be misconstrued as you being a pushover, or having the curse of being "too nice." At 24 and in college, girls tend to be used to more aggressive male behavior. I'm not saying you're in the wrong, I'm just saying how it could be taken.
As far as deal breakers for me, I do need a girl that drinks and parties, at least a bit. I've dated girls that didn't, and they were (mostly) wonderful people... but they resented me when would go out drinking or partying, and that's no good for a relationship.
I've stopped trying to be someone else to attract women. I've noticed that when I do, the girls I get aren't the girls I want to keep.
Good luck with this new girl! I think it is important to have some similar interests but its also great to learn new ones that your partner enjoys too. :) I always say that its best to stay true to who you are, and if somebody won't accept you thats their problem not yours. I like to go with the flow and if a special person happens to come into my life that i'm compatiblewith i'll take a chance.
I know that i'm not into drinking at all so if the guy is...its kind of a turn off. Then again before I met my bf he was into drinking/drugs but he changed to be with me...so...who knows?
It's not a deal breaker for me, but it is nice when my boyfriend attends some of the parties that I go to. But I am a homebody myself, so I rarely go to parties, in general. I love just being with my boyfriend, going out to eat, and watching the Travel Channel with him and daydreaming about where we'd go together someday. When you find the right person, you will not need to question yourself about these things.
I think you have far more attractive habits than people who want to go out and drink all the time, you seem far more attractive to me.
@ulvene@xanga - Well, thank you. :) I hope this girl I ask will feel the same way.
i find someone in the same realm. for me lack of similar interests and tastes/activities is a complete deal breaker because they're things im very passionate about. but i think you're fine and lots of girls would enjoy your idea of a good time.
I like the idea of your activities much more then bars and clubs. I go clubbing once in awhile but it's with my girl friends. I don't expect my boyfriend to go honestly. He doesn't dance and neither of us drink. I think bars are nasty anyway. In depth conversation, doing outdoor activities or going out to eat is a much better way to really get to know someone in my opinion.
There are some things my SO needs to have that I can relate to, but that doesn't mean he needs all the bells and whisltes. Though I totally get that. I'm not someone for partying and all the jazz and may be considered 'boring' but it's just a different type of enjoyment. Playing video games, going out, playing sports..that's all the fun stuff. Getting drunk and clubbing all night....been there, done that. And honestly I think that's a limited way to meet people....
Well now, this is probably the first time i will say this but for once the replies helped more than the post itself. I feel alittle more confident about who i am now thanks to some of the females in the replies.
Thank you.
I am in the same boat as you, let life be an experience, and eventually someone will share it with you.
I stay my course as far as anti drugs, smoking and drinking, so if he does those things, I just won't date him to begin with. I don't want to give unfair/unnecessary ultimatums for him to stop, then resent me later, so I'll just find someone, who is already anti-those things that are my dealbreakers. I like versatile guys, who aren't just one or the other, they are hyper like conan o'brien one moment and laid back like charlie brown the next. I think this means I like unpredictable bipolar guys because I can be bipolar myself. it keeps things suspenseful and exhilarating. I've only met one guy like this and I think he was the love of my life, but he is now engaged lol
Actually, someone who just wants to go to bars, drink and party frequently IS the dealbreaker for me. That shit is lame. People who do that type of stuff on a regular basis often have a limited intellectual capacity and/or a decreased desire for meaningful human interaction.
Find a non-skeevy chick that likes to just do simple, old-fashioned activities like you, and you will be happier. :) That's the type of relationship my boyfriend and I have. I think going out/drinking once in a while can be fun (especially depending on where you go), but if you're looking to date a girl that does that every weekend... run in the opposite direction.
Honestly, you don't need to worry, you're probably just looking in the wrong places :) I think it is important to have similar interests to your partner, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a deal-breaker. As long as you're willing to compromise to an extent, you'll be fine :) Good luck with this new girl, though! She seems nice.
Ain't that cute. Too bad nice guys finish last.
There are plenty of girls who aren't into that scene and/or don't need to drag their SOs into it either. I think if it's going to be a dominant part of one's life, then yeah, it'd be nice to get involved if you're planning a future with that person... but if it's once in a while, going with a few friends without the SO is just fine. There's a chance it could be a phase, and there's a chance that those people won't outgrow the partying and drinking. I'd rather be alone and happy than with someone my habits, preferences, and life obviously don't jive with, and I think everyone deserves that.
Comparatively to practically every college girl out there, I'm ridiculously boring and frankly, all I want is an equally boring guy to spend my mundane time with, haha! My boyfriend and I never do anything super special for date nights. Usually get dinner, then stay in or take a walk around the neighbourhood, watch some TV. He's 25, I'm 21, I don't drink, he drinks casually at home but I think to be respectful and because he has control and it isn't a significantly dominant part of his life, he doesn't drink around me. The only parties we've gone to together have been with small groups of very close friends, and we both enjoy that way more than going out and being typical college students.
It's ok. I'm boring too.
it'd be nice to have my SO take part in the activities i'm interested in and vice versa, that way, it brings us closer. but it's not necessarily a deal breaker if they don't. i'd rather he be comfortable and actually enjoy what he's doing than not. it'll just dampen the mood if the other person isn't having fun.
i try to stay true to myself, so seldom do i do things that i don't normally do to attract someone. unless i really liked the person, then perhaps i'd do it once or twice so long as i'm comfortable with it.
btw, i like your list of activities. pretty much similar to my ideals.
I was a attracted to a guy who is a artist like myself. He usually stays at home and dosent go out too often. I usually only go out for art shows which he had a lot of fun at too. I think you should just find a girl with your same personality type. And it looks like you've already found her. Go for it! Ask this girl out. I'm sure she will be delighted to do any of those activities with you..
It's not that your boring because I doubt that. I think you haven't been meeting the right person with a personality that would mesh with your own. And that just takes time. Took me 19 years.
For SOME girls it IS a dealbreaker if they can't go out and party, or do so with a boyfriend; in fact I have known some to break up with a boyfriend because he never took them to bars or clubs. But there are plenty of girls who like the simpler things, or just other things in general, really. I'm one of the people that would rather go to a movie or watch one at home, or make dinner and hang out, rather than go to a bar or party. I like the small events sometimes, but mostly I am just happy to hang out at home with the person I'm with and do whatever comes to mind. So for me, it's kind of a dealbreaker if the guy doesn't WANT to stay home often and just hang out; if he's obsessed with going out to get drunk, or go party, well we just don't mesh, it would never work in the long run. I don't like to change my activities TOO much for a guy, I have been known to change a few occasionally, but for the most part I don't. It really depends what it is.
Recently met a guy who i knew on and off for 2 years - not every well for the first 1 and a half and wen i did get to know him found we had a lot in common, he did all the things i wanted to do when i was younger, play a guitar, be in a band, committed to his art, games designer, wears funky clothes and don't give a funk if ppl like em or not and also is a die hard Pokemon fan (something i felt i had to give up...to grow up). He's younger than me which i feel could be a problem and i kinda think he thinks i'm copying him which i don't know what to do to convince him otherwise - that's how similar we are but the ultimate thing is we want different things for the future - he wants to travel etc...i'd like to trvael too but also settle down at a point, marriage, then kids...he just wants kids...i want a ring baby! :p
its just about compatibility really -- someone that parties hard and someone that doesn't probably aren't going to have the most successful relationship. But in saying that, stranger things have happened lol
good luck with the new girl you are interested in. you sound like an awesome guy. My ex if also really into the party scene and thats also not me anymore. I, too like to take walks in the park and have dinner where i can talk to the other person and not have to scream to them in the club. You will find girls who appreciate all the activities you enjoy. Good luck to you and to me too!
@ulvene@xanga - agreed
OP:
It's okay. I'm not the biggest fan of partying or even drinking till I fall over drunk. I would be considered boring and I found a equaling boring boyfriend myself. But it's okay. We both enjoy what we do with each other. Don't worry. You'll find someone in your own way. Just be yourself throughout.
If you can't see yourself going out partying with a girl you're interested in, you should probably find out from her if that's ok, and if you can handle her going without you. I am pretty open about activities. I need someone who is the same. I love sports, and my boyfriend isn't into sports nearly as much as I am, but he is enthusiastic about going to games with me, or going out to a bar to watch it on tv. He loves cars, and while I don't really know anything or care much about cars, I go with him to the track to watch him race, or have a "detail party" as he likes to call it. It's all about support. If you can't support your girlfriend's activities, then it probably won't work out. I'm sure there are situations where that's not the case, but for the most part, that's what I've found.
find someone you can be yourself with, obviously.