Saturday, 19 March 2011
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16 Years & No Proposal: Why the Hell Not?
I have been with my high school sweetheart for 16 years now, but still did not receive a marriage proposal. What does this mean and what shall I do? I literally moved away from home and traveled distances to be with him right after high school graduation.I have built my life around this guy. I have earned my college degree, bought a home, support his brother and sister while the parents abandon them, got a career, etc.... All these occurred after I graduated from college at the age of 22. Everything was going as I had planned in life.
When the house market turmoil occurred a few years after I had settled down in my perfect life without marriage proposals, I lost everything along with many other Americans. I lost my job, my house was short-sold (+$15,000 out of pocket just to get the house out of my name), got into a big debt (still in it), and now I'm returning back to school to change my career.
Through all of these happy and sad times, I have been supporting this guy financially, physically, and emotionally as he was unemployed for many years (though, he did hold up several jobs as a sales person but the stores were closed down). We have been together through thick and thin, and of course no relationship is perfect, so yes, there were a lot of arguments throughout the years.
We both were immature and stubborn -- I guess that comes with the territory of being young and ignorant. Now, we're both mature and grown old. We have become more understanding of each other and now we have less arguments. However, I am confused.
Like most women, I feel like I am at the age where I should be married and have kids. I really love this guy and had sacrificed a lot for him so he knows -himself- that I truly do love him. When I brought up the conversation of getting married, he said he does not want to.
He had a preconceived thought that how we treated each other in the past would still continue and occur after marriage, and does not want to have kids because he doesn't want to bring kids into the mess of custody battles if we were to ever divorce. His parents were arranged for marriage and since this modern age is more accepting of divorce, they got split and went through an adultery phase prior to it.
He was stuck in that mess and was traumatized because it. I guess it affected him a lot. Now, 16 years later, I feel that we both are grown up and have become more mature and more understanding of each other. I do want to start a family with this guy, but I am old fashioned and want to be wed first.
He sometimes, in happy moods, would agree that we should start a family. What I don't understand is every time we have an argument or disagreement, he brings up the subject and says things like, "That's why we're never going to get married."
After hearing that statement, I can't help but shower in my own tears... is this worth it? As a traditional woman, I feel like my biological clock is ticking and I'm scared that I'll miss my opportunity to have kids and an actual family.
Should I continued to wait for him to ask me? I have been patiently waiting all these years. What shall I do? Any suggestions?
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Comments (103)
Fuck that, ask him! :) If he says no to the proposal I would leave.. Theres no point in staying with somebody who doesn't want the same future as you do.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - i agree with this comment.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - agreed
I know it would be really hard to leave him cause of so much history, but if it comes down to the fact that you try everything and he still says no, like the above commenter said, you really should leave him.
His life shouldn't dictate yours, no matter how much love there is.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - AGREED.
wow, does he really pull the "That's why we're never going to get married." kinda messed up and childish. i mean im young so i don't know everything and i guess if i were in your shoes id be confused as to what to do too..you'd done so much for him, but what has he done in return to you? i hope he appreciates everything you've done..did you guys ever talk abt getting married like wayyyy back? maybe you need to sit him down and really talk it out if you REALLY want to get married and if he doesn't want to, are you really gonna stay with him? like don't wait to long and drag it out..cause then you'll be old and both will be unhappy, or maybe just you if you want to get married. i think its about compromising and if he's all talk, and no action idk what to think. he can say he may marry you but are you really gonna sit there and wait? just gotta sit down and talk this out. and decide if you will be happy forever being with him with no marriage.
Leave him if he doesn't want to get married. Besides, if he really loved you, he would marry you because it makes you happy.
It would be hard to leave him. You can't really cut him out of your heart - you spent half your life with him, with all the struggles and joys. But at the same time...do you want to look back when you are 60 or 70 years old and regret your life? Do you want to feel like you wasted it?
I feel like that would be a lot harder.
And I'm not saying you have to get married and have kids or otherwise you are wasting your life...but not doing what you really want is more than wasting your life, it is destroying it from the inside out, every day of your life. If you want marriage, if you want kids, if you want him, tell him. If he really clams up and doesn't even want to really consider it then...you have to choose which is more important. Him, or the family image you have.
You are still young. But you are old enough to make the mature descision, whatever it may be.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Amen. While it's, traditionally speaking, unorthodox, screw that. Just ask him.
sixteen years... i agree with the first comment. ask him, he says no, move on. no point to this relationship.
leave him. Sounds like this guy is just using you.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - definitely agree
"That's why we're never going to get married." I wouldn't want to marry someone, who will likely bitterly resent me if we do get married, so if it was me, I wouldn't even propose to him. I wouldn't stay in an unhappy relationship for longer than a year.__.
you should ask him if he's thinking about proposing to you anytime soon.
I'm goign through a rough patch with my first boyfriend too. He's my high school sweetheart, but things are different because we each have different standpoints that we're each not willing to let go, eg my career, schooling and family issues, and his education, time, being single and "hassle-free". I thought at first, yeah just ask him yourself! But the way he says "that's why we're not getting married" and they way it soudns to me, is you're being punished for speaking up when there's an issue. Which is not okay! Over time we forget to think for ourselves and become selfless. I get what you mean about the biological clock, but how about this, the mid life crisis? Or what happens if you're not getting what you want now, and years later, when you have kids with this guy, you're still not getting what you want? That might be an experience you dont want your kids around. Think of the kids. Think of yourself.
"that's why we're not getting married" Well then, say fuck youre right, that's why we're not getting married, good bye!
Have you actually had a serious conversation in good times where he's said he's never going to marry you? Or is it just when he's upset that it comes up... Honestly, other people have said just flat out propose to him, and I don't disagree, but maybe it's something that actually needs to be talked about. Maybe he has reasons that you don't know for not wanting to get married, or maybe it's just not right now. It's hard to believe he doesn't want to be with you/doesn't want to marry you after being committed for 16 years and having been through so much together - at least not without a legitimate reason.
That's horrible. Marriage may be just a piece of paper and all that, but is he going to accept having no say in your belongings, bank accounts, and money in the event that something happens to you? Marriage has its benefits.
But it sounds like he doesn't want to have a family yet anyways. I urge you try to find someone who does. :( Even if you succeed in begging him to start a family, he is not going to be a good father.
@vicdaily@xanga - Yeah, and if she really loved me, she'd have slept with me, because it makes me happy, right?
Talk to him seriously about this but in the end, if it comes down to him not wanting the same things like you, then it's better to leave.
he sounds pretty cool, i think you should just wait around until maybe one day he want to marry you.
If you have had multiple conversations in which he has told you, both seriously and jokingly, that he does not want to marry you, I guess I don't understand what you are waiting for. If he says he doesn't want to marry you, he means it.
Also, 16 years? That's a really long time to hold on to someone. If he hasn't proposed to you by now, it's because he doesn't want to. Though it will be incredibly hard, it's time to move on with your life.
@Kazydai@mancouch - Actually, unless she is opposed to sleeping with anyone, yes. I know that's a controversial way of putting it, but in most cases it's true. A girl won't have a problem sleeping with someone if she really loves him, assuming it's within her moral boundaries. And once a woman is married, she should sleep with her husband because it's a selfless act to make him happy (and vice versa).
You might want to have one last talk about it seriously and if the conversation shows that it's not going to happen, you might want to let it go. I'm only saying this because you specifically said that you're a traditional woman, you want to get married, you want to have kids. Clearly those things are not a huge deal to him. It's fine for you to have your wants and needs and it's fine for him to have his. But the point is if you guys can't see eye to eye on such huge things then that is just going to make you unhappy and it's not worth it if one or both of you is unhappy.
why is that even a question? obviously you're waiting for nothing. move on. leave him.. honestly he'll probably come crawling on his knees with a ring after a couple of months
@vicdaily@xanga - Oi, I would hate to get married, only to find out that my now wife saves sex for Christmas and birthdays.