Friday, 18 March 2011

• Staring at Breasts Promotes Better Health

  
  This is one story that I know the majority of guys can get behind. According to a (possibly hoaxed, since I couldn't find the actual source) German study, men who stare at breasts have a lower chance of being stricken by heart failure, as well as a potential decrease in blood pressure on average. The study suggests that men should stare at breasts for at least ten minutes a day, but we all know that's a pitiful tittiful amount of time.

  Although the study is most likely fake, let's run with this and ponder because the female form is beautiful and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if such benefits are real.

  If only all forms of medicine were this appealing and sexy. But what happens when you stare at smaller breasts? Do you get smaller health benefits as a result? Does the "A" in A-cup really mean that it'll offer a wonderful serving of vitamin A, which by the way, is needed by the retina? Is there a placebo effect when you stare at fake boobs? Does it work for women, too?

  So many questions that will probably never get the answers they deserve. But who cares! Just pretend this inconclusive study is law, and convince your girlfriends (and strangers) to flash their boobs for the benefit of male health. If they decline, have them know that they're doing a disservice to all men by concealing these money-making miracle mammary glands.

  One has to imagine that the effect would be greater when looking at breasts in person as opposed to Internet pornography. Women can even start selling these services for a fee within private booths. That's right, ladies: Milk this potential cash-cow! Remember, it's not prostitution unless you're allowing physical touch or unfortunately live in rural states with strict laws.

  You can consider this "breastitution" for all the years you've looked down upon guys who looked down upon your bosoms. We were just subconsciously doing it for health reasons, you see. Would I lie to you? C'mon....

  The real reason why guys watch wrestling is to make up for the lack of topless babes in their lives. A bunch of sweaty men putting each other in sexually explicit positions with their man-boobs in the open account for at least one decently sized pair of the female variety. Our obsession with high definition televisions goes beyond video games; we need to see every God damn pore and goose bump on those picturesque nipples.

  I finally realize why our species has been steadily going downhill ever since Eve ate the apple on that fateful day: Nudity became shameful, thus the era of bare breasts ended leaving men with holes in our hearts, and high blood pressure levels resulting in catastrophic wars, spousal abuse and worst of all, "dudebros," a clear sign of the end-times straight from your local frat house.

  Do you believe that this study has any validity to it?
  
  Women, how would you feel about the importance of your boobies if this study were to be conclusive?
  
  Are you flattered when men stare at your breasts?
  
  Was I sarcastic enough?

  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in The Breast Word-Play Ever and Meninists.

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