Thursday, 17 March 2011
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One-on-One Time With an Opposite Sex Friend - Allow It?
(From a Datingish reader who wishes to remain anonymous)In my spare time, I usually browse on this particular forum where I would offer my advice and perspective if asked. In this one particular thread, "Lily," was complaining that her boyfriend was spending more one on one time with his ex than her. She voiced out her concerns on the matter, but he ended up telling her he was going to do whatever he wants regardless of how she felt. She then asked us what she should do about her dilemma.
I gave her my advice on the matter and made a comment that I would consider that a deal breaker for me because I, personally, don't like nor feel comfortable having my significant other spending one on one time with the opposite sex.
Before some of you jump down my throat, let me clarify and be specific. My significant other can hang out with whoever he wants to - he can have lunch or help one of his many female friends on their personal or relationship issue when asked.
My point is, I don't like nor am I comfortable if his female friend (regardless if she was a mutual friend or not) calls him out of the blue asking him to "hang out" with her. For example, go to her house to chill with her or watch a movie with her or to play a game with her. Simply put, to keep her entertained and accompany her at her house.
I'm all for spending time with our friends whether they're male or female, but please do it at an appropriate and respectable setting if you know he's in a relationship!
Now, I started getting bashed on by many members on the forum. They would tell me that I'm "controlling" my significant other or that I have trust issues. For starters, I'm not controlling anyone. I'm expressing my opinion and concern on the matter. At the end of the day, the choice is still left upon my significant other to make.
I trust my significant other 100%, but does it make me "comfortable" knowing the fact that he's out with one of his female friends at his or her house? No. It's not a trust issue; it's a comfort issue that many people overlook.
(Thankfully my husband and I agreed on this, so it was never an issue with us from the beginning.)
So, I come to ask you, my Datingish fellows (and because I would like to get a variety of answers):
Are you COMFORTABLE and okay with your significant other hanging out with an opposite sex friend one on one, like say... alone at home? If not, why?
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Comments (93)
I'm absolutely comfortable with it. Plus it wouldn't be fair of me to judge, since I tend to have more female friends than male friends.
I, personally, couldn't be with somebody who has the same rule you do. I understand how you might be uncomfortable, and I'm glad you and your husband have an understanding on the issue, but that rule would be a "deal breaker" for me. (I hope none of that was considered "jumping down your throat".)
It totally depends on who the female is. My boyfriend frequently hangs out with his friend Emilie at her house, does favors for her, etc. Doesn't bother me one bit because I have gotten to know Emilie myself and she's not a sketchy type of girl at all. Plus, they were friends for years before I came along. Not to mention that she has a boyfriend, and a baby with said boyfriend. There's just no logical reason for me to be concerned about their friendship.
But... if he started hanging out with, say, an ex-gf out of the blue... and more than just one time, but regularly... then yeah, I would def take issue with that.
I don't think it's fair to say your SO can't hang out with ANYONE of the opposite sex, as I really do think guys and girls CAN be "just friends"! You just have to analyze the situation objectively, not emotionally, and decide if it's really just a friendship or something sketchy going on.
@StillNotaPrettyGirl@xanga - i agree with you
Voice your concern, and depending on he responds is what you should be worried about. For me, I usually let my SO know if one of my girl friends wants to hang out. It's a matter of trust. Don't demand that they can't hang out with someone of the opposite sex, because it is just going to blow up right in your face.
well it depends on WHY she's concerned (though I can understand because it is his ex he's hanging w/).
@StillNotaPrettyGirl@xanga - I agree with you. @GodlessLiberal@xanga - There's a big difference between a friend and an ex, don't you agree?
@i_saw_myself_morior@xanga - Yes, it makes a difference. Although I'm friends with a fair number of my exes. But the question specifically was about hanging out with female friends.
First off, this pic is totally wrong for this entry. Secondly...seriously? His friends were there before you and you should work hard to be accepted by them, not treat them like shit and tell him who he can and can not hangout with. I'm really close friends with a few guys, we chill at their house, play video games ect ect...just like..idk..normal friends? Gender has nothing to do with it.
it would depend.. i don't know. probably. my close friends are guys. i frequently hang out with them, without another girl around. sometimes multiple guys without another girl around. i couldn't tell a boyfriend he couldn't hang out with some girl friends because that'd be hypocritical. but i'd like to know the girl also. mehh, this is such a messy situation.
however, in your situation, i would tell your friend to beat it. i wouldn't appreciate a boyfriend spending more time with his ex, and being rude and inconsiderate to my feelings. she shouldn't either.
My SO hangs out with her best guy friend alone. She even stays over sometimes because they go to the same community college and her house is about 45 minutes further away than his, so if she has a long project due or a final the next morning, she'll call and ask to stay over. I don't even care.
@StillNotaPrettyGirl@xanga - agreed
ok for those of you who are here saying it depends on the girl no you cant just pick and choose thats like saying "oh its ok to cheat on me with her but not her " its wither a ground rule or no rule at all in my eyes.
In my relationship as well as yours we have both agreed that it doesnt make either one of us comfortable to hang out with the opposite sex for any manner, wel also think that talking to an ex is a big no-no and they are in the past for a reason and thats where they shall stay, we have mutual friends and yes some are couples so we do couple things and thats fine but im not going to hit up one of their husbands or boyfriends to hang out its not only disrespectful to my boyfriend but also to their wife/girlfriend.
&& like you said its nothing about trust issues about being comfortable and its about your own personal relationship. If you are happy in your relationship why do you even find the need to want to be with someone of the opposite sex, in my eyes its no good it will evetually lead to something bad because one of you obviously has the mind set of something more. There are so many shady people out there friends or not you cant trust them all So NO i dont think its ok for my boyfriend or myself to hang out with the opposite sex.
I trust my boyfriend and if ever I feel uncomfortable, it's because I tend to get possessive of anybody I'm close with (including my best friends). This discomfort is only there when I'm aware of certain situations. I'm not really uncomfortable with whether the girl has feelings for my bf. I'm just really selfish. But I never control him or any of my friends. I deal with it. I don't vent or complain. I tell him the truth but I'm never a bitch about it. I let it pass because it's something that goes away in like a minute or so when I'm all done being such a brat. But yes, for most people, the issue varies..
Regarding her situation though, it would really bother me if my SO said that he doesn't care about my thoughts and he'll do whatever he wants because there is such a thing as a compromise.. It's inconsiderate to just ignore the discomfort of your boyfriend/girlfriend..
@StillNotaPrettyGirl@xanga - that is exactly how I feel. I think generally speaking, I would agree w/you (the author of this blog) that I wouldn't feel comfortable letting him hang out with other girls alone but I think it depends on how well I know the girl (or at least how well I know his relationship with the girl that he is with) to say if I am comfortable with it.
Like, if my boyfriend has a female best friend, I don't think I would have an issue with him being alone with her (unless maybe they have a history) because two of my best friends are guys...my two best friends from college. I have gone out with both of them one-on-one before so it wouldn't really be fair of me to say that my boyfriend couldn't do the same.
@Earika_Silver@xanga - the reason I disagree with you is because everyone's situation is different. Like I said in my other post, my two best friends from college are guys and usually we hang out together (all 3 of us) but on occasions when I asked em to hang out and not everyone could come, I would just end up hanging out with one of em by myself. now, I have never been in a relationship when I went out alone with either of them but based on what you're saying, I would have to pass up an opportunity to spend time with my best friend because someone else wasn't able to tag along. Now, we live 8 and half to 10 hours away from each other (depending on the traffic), so if I am in a relationship and I am in town visiting, am I not suppose to chill with my best friend if I invite them out and only one of them can make it?
I hang out with my guy best friend who is in a relationship, alone, a lot. He's not about to do sketchy things with me, so I don't see why there would be an issue. In fact, he's here in my apartment right now, just the two of us.
did lily tell him not to hang out with his ex, or did she say it makes her uncomfortable? they're two different connotations. when someone tells me not to do something, you can be damn sure i'm going to do it.
i think it's also relevant to know how long she's been together with this dude.
sure, as long as I'm the priority over her. if she is one of those drama queens, who calls him in the middle of the night to talk and hang out, that's crossing the line and I'll set her straight.
I take it back. As it turns out, my guy friend's friend told my other best guy friend that we were making out and my other best guy friend thought she wasn't joking, so then he texted my guy friend's girlfriend about it. FML.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Agreed!
I'd only stop a bf from hanging one on one with a female friend if I knew that female friend liked him or was a homewrecker type, as in I have solid proof she does this to other guys as well. My recent ex hung out with plenty of female friends one on one and he knew them way longer than he knew me. In fact, many of those female friends were excited to meet me and always complimented us.. why in the world would I want to tear such good friendships apart? I can understand if there's an issue with a bf hanging with an ex, but if both have clearly moved on, I think it can be justified.. if your bf isn't trustworthy and would cheat on you while being with other female friends on-one-one, you shouldn't even be with a guy like that. If you want to make sure the female friend is decent, meet her yourself and hopefully the three of you can hangout sometimes or make it a group hangout.
i think the most important factor is that her bf totally disregards how she feels and says he's going to do whatever he wants.
I could never date someone with the same rules as you. I find it extremely controlling and irrational, and I honestly would end a relationship if someone tried to tell me I couldn't hang out with my male friends at their houses. I have a lot of male friends. My boyfriend has a lot of female friends. However, he would never cheat and I trust him. If you don't trust him to hang out with a girl one-on-one, that's an issue with you. That tells me you don't trust him. Again, you mention comfort - if you trust someone, you should trust them regardless of who they're hanging out with, and you should be comfortable with them hanging out with anyone they want.
If you truly trust your partner, you wouldn't care who he was hanging out with. I'm best friends with my ex-boyfriend. A few weeks ago, I slept over at his house. We didn't share a bed, but we still hung out together, alone, overnight. My boyfriend didn't care, because he trusts me, and knows that if my ex tried to hit on me, I'd tell him where to go and wouldn't tolerate it.
@individually_surveys@xanga - to be quite honest i think that is so disrespectful whether its alright with your boyfriend or not, you once had feelings for this guy maybe has a physical as well as emotional relationship with this guy and you sleeping over at his house while you have a boyfriend... in that case its nothing about trust its about respecting the person you are in a current relationship. Ex's are Ex's for a reason and if you are with someone else there should be no reason they are in your situation let alone you staying the night hanging out with him.
But i guess its just out of respect for me and my "other" that i wouldnt do such thing or even think about doing such a thing... && I guess in our relationship we are both ok with not hanging out with the opposite sex because we figure what do we need to hang out with them for its only going to cause problems in the future and you can say they are friends all you want but they or yourself have either have had or have feelings for one or the other. so just like the song... "she says he's just a friend" its all Bs hahaha.
So i guess thats where relationships differ and why you set rules in the begining... So you dont run into this problem and my relationship seems to be working out just fine with this "rule"
I feel the same exact way as you. My SO is welcome to see any friends whether I know them or not, as long as I know about it, it's not sketchy. However the setting has to be right or it makes me uncomfortable. At no point should he expect it to be "okay" to hang out with her alone at her place, that's just common courtesy. The way I always put it to him is, "would YOU be okay if I was doing this with a guy?" and if his answer is no (which is usually is if we have an argument/discussion about something like this) then he shouldn't be doing it, either. It's just a comfort thing.
@Earika_Silver@xanga - It's disrespectful? Really? It's disrespectful for me to stay the night at my best friend's house after he found out that his ex-girlfriend had cheated on him and that the kid he'd brought up for a year wasn't his? Wow :-/
Our past has nothing to do with it. We're able to put that behind us. I'm sorry if you can't understand that, but that's your business, not mine. I've known my ex since we were two years old. We dated five years ago. Nothing has happened since. My boyfriend trusts me. We didn't share a bed or even a room. We were in different rooms at opposite ends of the damn house. He needed support, and I wasn't about to leave him when he'd just had his heart broken. I feel bad for your friends if you wouldn't support them like that.