Tuesday, 15 March 2011
“I’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I have sworn to myself I’m content with loneliness.’’
I’m afraid I can relate. It’s almost like Hayley hijacked my dating life and took a spin (which is sad because she decided to give it back). It’s that rut where you find yourself telling yourself you’re fine several times a day. It’s that rationalization that if you can’t change someone else’s mind about you, you have to change your way of thinking about it. And when you’ve done it so many times, it becomes habit where you do it subconsciously. It’s a dangerous pattern and I’ve perfected it.
I’m very good at flirtation and keeping him on his toes but the second I feel just the slightest bit of veering-off-course—my course, I get shaken up and decide the potential relationship isn’t worth it. If I sense that I’m giving up a part of me that I wouldn’t normally, I can’t stand it and begin to resent the poor guy.
I remember one instance, where I was seeing this boy. He was great! He was smart and easy going. He was going to school like I was but knew how to have a good time which I liked because I was in the middle of exploring the city for the first couple of times and he seemed like the one that could show me around.
But there was no hope for him. The minute I slightly craved to leave my regular routine for hanging out with him I knew it had to stop-- a result of my obsession with being independent and selfishness I presume. I quickly collected my movies he had borrowed the next time I was available and told him I’d call him.
He isn’t the only casualty of my disease and I often wonder about the what-ifs and how different my life could have been. I think about how much longer I will go without ever falling in love. I wonder if I’ll ever reach a different level of closeness with another and then think about all the things I could’ve missed out on if I didn’t operate the way I do. I suppose it’s easy to be hard on yourself and conclude that you’ll never meet someone.
What about you? Have you ever sabotaged a relationship? Have you ever been on the receiving end?