Tuesday, 15 March 2011
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Do You Ever Sabotage Relationships?
Hayley Williams, lead singer of Paramore once said:“I’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance. And up until now I have sworn to myself I’m content with loneliness.’’
I’m afraid I can relate. It’s almost like Hayley hijacked my dating life and took a spin (which is sad because she decided to give it back). It’s that rut where you find yourself telling yourself you’re fine several times a day. It’s that rationalization that if you can’t change someone else’s mind about you, you have to change your way of thinking about it. And when you’ve done it so many times, it becomes habit where you do it subconsciously. It’s a dangerous pattern and I’ve perfected it.
I’m very good at flirtation and keeping him on his toes but the second I feel just the slightest bit of veering-off-course—my course, I get shaken up and decide the potential relationship isn’t worth it. If I sense that I’m giving up a part of me that I wouldn’t normally, I can’t stand it and begin to resent the poor guy.
I remember one instance, where I was seeing this boy. He was great! He was smart and easy going. He was going to school like I was but knew how to have a good time which I liked because I was in the middle of exploring the city for the first couple of times and he seemed like the one that could show me around.
But there was no hope for him. The minute I slightly craved to leave my regular routine for hanging out with him I knew it had to stop-- a result of my obsession with being independent and selfishness I presume. I quickly collected my movies he had borrowed the next time I was available and told him I’d call him.He isn’t the only casualty of my disease and I often wonder about the what-ifs and how different my life could have been. I think about how much longer I will go without ever falling in love. I wonder if I’ll ever reach a different level of closeness with another and then think about all the things I could’ve missed out on if I didn’t operate the way I do. I suppose it’s easy to be hard on yourself and conclude that you’ll never meet someone.
What about you? Have you ever sabotaged a relationship? Have you ever been on the receiving end?
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Comments (23)
Is there a deeper reason behind you doing this to yourself? There's no use just thinking about "what ifs" when you can actually act instead of just thinking about the possibilities. Your life is all based on a series of decisions made by you, so if you want something to change, think about what decisions you can make to change it. Take a chance and see where it takes you.
All males abandon me like all people no matter what I do, so try to stay alone. I recently broke up with my last imaginary boyfriend. We're just friends. He was a little out of my league anyway. And boy did we get into fights because it was like, you're married and breaking me apart morally. Denial can only last for so long.
Then I was out looking for a mate. I wass all pissed off because I'm always rejected.
No actual dating ever took place. It was an imaginary relationship.
The past two relationships, I've allowed to fail by doing the same things. Talking constantly, hanging out in all of our free time, ditching my friends for the boy. In my current relationship, I'm finding it very hard to stay OFF that course, but I'm trying my best. Luckily, my boyfriend is not like those other guys, and much more independent. I know that's what I need in a guy, but I can't help but want to see him every second we are both free. I really don't want to sabotage this one, so I'm going to stop being so "needy".
I totally relate to that lyric line. It's that thought that I've cemented in my head that people will disappoint you. It is the trend, so therefore, it's most likely going to happen again and in order to save myself the heartache, I won't get emotionally attached to anyone. So you free yourself of expectations and in turn, sabotages your relationships because you never allow yourself to fall freely nor let the person in. You try to justify this by saying, I'm independent, I'm okay alone, I don't need anyone, because the only person I can truly depend on is myself.
I'm slowly getting away from this. Each time I go through a truly emotional episode, in a relationship (the whole letting go, then ultimately breaking up) it sucks, and it does sort of prove the point that people will disappoint you even though they said they'd take care of your heart. But going through these (and I've only gone through 2 of these and I'm still not fixed) has made me realize each time how much better the experience was than the previous. The more you learn to open up and just enjoy, you see how much you learn and how much joy you experience in these relationships. Otherwise, think of the time you're wasting in a relationship being "cautious", it almost seems like it's pointless to get into any connections if you're going to be so closed off. So that's my new logical justification, and its much better than my previous attitude. Though I'm still not completely open to new people, I am able to notice when I'm doing it and change my thought process and this is a huge improvement for me. You have to be lucky and find these people who will understand your difficulty and have patience to work through it. I was lucky to have two relationships where the men were patient and understanding with me and it allowed me to slowly work into opening up. And I'll forever be grateful for them even if in the end they caused me pain.I have bipolar feelings regarding relationships. sometimes I feel like I love myself too much and he doesn't deserve me while other times I feel like I love him so much that I'd do anything for him. when I feel like I'm putting in more effort than he is, then I start to resent him. when I tell him what bothers me, his ego gets hurt, so he ignores me. my relationships didn't work mostly because I care too much
then when I'm stuckup, he pays more attention to me
then I enjoy being independent too much and feel like he is intruding on my freedom, so I break off the relationship. later I miss him, but I don't really want him. the cycle continues.
my bf is the same exact way he will text me non stop for 2 weeks straight and then i dont hear from him the 3rd week. it seems when he starts to get comfortable he pulls away. i dont understand why? you said disease what do you mean by that?
u mean sabotaging your own relationship? omg this was so confusing. i thought u meant to be a homewrecker or some sort. uhmm.. yeah i've pushed people away but it all comes to the way you are. i do it cuz i'm really nice & i don't want to hurt them. but when i get depressed cuz i'm hurting myself, then people try to smack me in the face, so i'm like "ok fine! I'll go for it!" if it makes you happy to be alone, then do it. it doesn't make me happy to sabotage my own relationship. i do it because i'm unselfish. i'd rather hurt myself.
This sounds exactly--and I mean exactly--like me. But see, I don't think it's so much a matter of selfishness and a need for independence that has me running from awesome men.
It's the fear of vulnerability. You said: "If I sense that I’m giving up a part of me that I wouldn’t normally, I can’t stand it and begin to resent the poor guy"
By giving him something extra, I am making myself vulnerable to him by letting him in on something personal. And, by making myself vulnerable, I am giving him an opportunity to break me.
And nothing hurts more than being broken by someone you trusted.
Yes, independence is very important to me, but I don't think that having a boyfriend would take away from that...it's just that getting to that stage, moving past all the insecurities, and wholly trusting someone new that is difficult.
Thing is, I know the problem, but I'm not sure how to fix it! haha
often times, people sabotage their relationships in fear of what will happen if they get too close. when you open yourself up to somebody, you risk becoming vulnerable. we believe that the only thing worse than being alone is giving someone a chance, only for it to end up in shambles. so we'd rather stay alone, because at least in being alone, you're comfortable and used to it and there's no risk.
do you have something in your past - not just relationships, but even from when you were a child - where you were hurt, betrayed, etc? that might pinpoint why you sabotage your relationships. hope I helped :)
Wow! I didn't know so many people shared the same issues I did. It's nice to know I'm not the only one. I like to look it at as a growing experience and possibly one day I can gain the courage to take a different course.
I can totally relate to that line of lyric. It's one of my favourite songs too! =)
Throughout my whole life, I've fallen in love with so many guys, but once they start showing an interest in me, I start to back off and have no interest in them. And, this time round, though I still like the guy who's shown an interest in me I don't think I can accept his feelings even though he broke up with his gf for me. I guess I'm too scared to open up to him and depend on him. And I guess this is why I've spent my whole life being single. I totally deserve that.
no i havent been on either ends and i wouldn't want to be on either end. it would hurt too much.
this was me once upon a time.
and because i had a self-sabotage complex, i let something really special go up in smoke, and i truly regret not allowing myself to be vulnerable and see where it could've taken me. because you never really know what tomorrow will bring, all you can know is you can be open to it, and let it happen.
allowing someone in to my tightly guarded life, heart, and soul, was such a profound experience that it has changed me. and nothing can replace those moments.
cheers.
I think we all sabotage our relationships one way or another. Something’s can be fixed and others just can’t... I do this all the time :( I'm very independent and when it comes down to depending on someone else I get scared of being let down I guess in a way I’m trying to protect myself from disappointment... Now as I get older I realize the mistakes I have made by being so open about not needing a man to support me (men hate that) now I’m alone supporting myself waiting to receive the divorce papers (it’s sad to say but I’m actually happy) Things happen for a reason and its best for us to learn from our mistakes. Remember mistakes are things we do and we change them once you keep doing the same mistake over and over isn’t a mistake its pure stupidity (this is my mother’s advise to me)
I sabotaged my own relationship. In the last month of our relationship, my boyfriend didn't want to see me as often, actually we didn't kiss or anything for like a month. I was a negative person, always bringing up the past, expecting him to feel the way I wanted him to feel, I pretty much pushed him to the edge. He told me in time everything will heal (because I broke up with him due to my insecurity and that made him feel a little different toward me), but i lacked the patience to do so. He was seeing his friends and doing his own thing and just never included me in it. So I felt really left out and always giving him shit, telling him he's insensitive and and unresponsive. he met this girl who has boyfriend but I didn't know that. I accused him of liking her and leaving me out because he has met someone new. So I told him, he and her are meant to be because they're both musicians and have great chemistry together. I didn't want to be part of this so I wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me go. Finally, when I went berzerk on him about her, he broke up with me, he got tired of it all. He told me I always make him feel worse when he tallks to me and he feels good when he talks to her because they always joke around and stuff..Anyway, I ruined a really good guy.
My recent ex did this to me. I actually wish I was more able to be like you, I reached a point in the relationship where I could still escape it without much damage done to myself, but I let my guard down and I was vulnerable to him. I loved him and banked on a future with him. I really wanted to be with him and I'd do anything for him. I trusted him with everything of mine and that was my mistake. When my ex saw this, he took the chance to break me to pieces and cheated on me for someone else.. had I done what you did, I wouldn't be shattered like I am today.
Sure I am a constant sabateur and it's not just in relationships but in all aspects of my life. Whenever I feel something is going well something kicks in and I end up doing something to damage it, I guess I have an underlying feeling that I don't deserve good things. I know I'll never have enough money because it just doesn't seem important to me so I'll never put in any effort in order to obtain it. however if i did I have no doubt I'd suddenly reject it and visit a casino or lose it through some other means, drink or drugs who knows.
I think I have ruined my chances with my crush, partly because I was just shy, and partly because I didn't feel like I deserved someone like him, even though he thought I was really cool and told me so several times, in English (which he barely speaks. We mostly speak Spanish, his native language). I've been doing the forehead slap a lot these days...
People will always let you down - as in, humans aren't perfect and there will always be some kind of disappointment at one time or another, but that is not to say that every person is going to be a constant let-down or mood-ruiner. It's understandable that your reaction to minor set-backs are to act out in ways you know will end the relationship, I think almost everyone has done it at least once. I know I have, a few times. Sometimes it's easier to deal with the problems by giving them a reason to end it, rather than work through the problems. I think eventually there will be a person that lets you lead your live along with theirs, rather than expecting you to adapt to THEIR life, and that is the person that you won't sabotage the relationship with, coz why would you? That's the point I am at right now. During small arguments I occasionally still feel the itch to do something out of character to get a negative reaction from my SO, because I think as humans we also crave drama, haha, but I hold back because I know in the long run, my relationship will be good.
i think i always do. i wonder why they always change. but then realize i am the one who changes. and i think i might be bipolar
oh yeah, i always used to sabotage potential relationships. but i really wasn't ready anyway. i was going through a lot before, and it wasn't til i got more comfortable with my situation and with myself that i decided i was ready to attempt a relationship. it's not like you have get into anything with a guy just because he wants something from you. you decide on your own time, and you'll be better for it :)
Being solo and independent is a good thing. Yet, No One is an island and we eventually must relate to other human beings. Independence is not a bad thing, yet: You are cutting off some possibility of joy in your life because there is always pain with joy in a relationship...I wonder why you don't feel worthy to relate to others in this way or why you avoid it.??? A good counselor could help you find this out.
Don't wait to talk with someone about this part of your life. Find out..and then you can choose what, if anything, you wish to do about this.
Love..
takes one to know one
Not so much sabotage but the way I think about guys I like. Usually what happens is they like me and chase after me like crazy, but it's the few I like back that get me all messed up. I have a hard time opening up to people about deep feelings. I have walls up all the time. I'm damn near impossible when it comes to romantic shit. Recently, this one guys is totally messing me up emotionally. I've totally pulled back on him because of that, but whenever I see him, he strips those walls down. It's the time I don't see him where it gets tense and messed up between us. IDK. I'm glad he's going away for 3 months on vacation. We'll see what happens when he gets back lol