Saturday, 12 March 2011

• "Remain Friends? Hell No!" Anonymous Letter #1

  

  An angry letter to anonymous exes.
  (For copy/paste purposes when you just don't give a fuck)

  
  Hey, ______ (asshole works fine, too). I can't believe you had the audacity to try giving me a pity friendship as a consolation prize when I lost your love. It's just your way of weening me off of you while assuaging your own feelings of guilt in a selfish act of apocryphal amity. Who the fuck are you to decide if we're to remain friends or not, with that beguiling smile and those saltless tears? Hell, you're not even good enough for these Thesaurus-level words, let alone any more of my time.

  You're about as useless as a lesbian's fallopian tubes. The amount of pain you're putting me through as a result of your negligence in our former relationship is more than enough, and I think you know it. I could feel you distancing yourself for some time now, and no matter how hard I tried, the only problem solving you were interested in was on those stupid Carmen Sandiego re-runs you had TiVo'd.

  I feel like I've been led on while you wore that smile every day telling me everything was okay. No, it wasn't "okay." Your recent performance in bed? That was "okay." How do you expect me to remain being friends with someone who couldn't even put forth some effort in our own relationship? If we were to remain friends, I can only imagine your level of care would be that of a corpse being poked around by vultures and mobs of angry barn midgets; it simply would not give two literal shits.

  You're blocked on my Facebook, out of my phone's contact list, erased from my desktop's wallpaper, your picture removed from my vibrator/Fleshlight and you can damn well bet I'm keeping the cornbread you left on the kitchen table last night.

  I don't ever want to hear about your latest "conquests" or about your new lovers. It's easy for you since you were the one taking out the trash, but that lonely ride I've been sentenced to in the back of the garbage truck? That'll be one hell of a long ride, and you better believe it's going to smell of your bullshit.

  But you know what the worst part is? You're going to vilify me for this when you talk to your new-found friends, or maybe even mutual friends. There's nothing I can do to keep you from acting out on your insecurities, but it'll at least give me closure in knowing you weren't mature enough for a decent relationship.

  By the way, wrecked your car.

  Sincerely,
  _________ or Nunez Love Doctor.

  Certified with a PhD in Freedom, Peace and Anarchy.

   

  Post Scriptum

  To clarify, this will be a humorous/sarcastic on-going series of fake letters which describe common problems we run into in relationships. The premise is that I'm angry, jaded and single, so I'm composing these anonymous letters for people to copy/paste to their exes if they encounter the same situation.

  Of course, you can modify or delete certain parts if you're seriously thinking of using this. Even better, don't modify it and confuse the hell out of them! I'm a terrible person, I know.

  
  

  Have you ever been in a position where you were almost being forced into a friendship post-breakup? Perhaps you've had to deal with pity friendships in the past?

  Or maybe, you're the one handing out these fake friendships!

  Discuss.

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