Friday, 04 March 2011
-
My Boyfriend's 20 Years Younger - Should I Be Insecure?
I don't look for young men or younger boyfriends, but it always comes naturally. I don't know why I always get younger guys. Is it wrong to be a "cougar"? Is it unneeded drama in my life? Before, I used to think that it was crazy for people to be dating someone way older, but now it's happening to me... a lot!My boyfriend is 20 years younger than me; he is a divorcee and has one daughter. As for me, I too am a divorcee with three teenagers. My boyfriend wants to marry me and it made me so scared... he is only 27 and I am 47! Have you ever dated anyone that much younger than you?
He is a very good looking man. I can't believe such a handsome guy would fall for me. When I walk with him, most young women stare at him... and he always acts cool about it. On one hand, I am proud to be his girlfriend but other times I feel so insecure, even though nobody can guess my age (many people think I am 35 yay!)
People say I look really young and that's why so many young men are attracted to me, but after knowing my real age they push themselves away from me. I feel so disappointed about it. Since then, when I reveal my real life story to a guy I start becoming uneasy with the relationship.
I feel so old even though my boyfriend still shows me plenty of love and affection. However, I still don't trust him 100 percent. I don't know if he's really okay with it, or if he's just going to leave me like all the other guys.
Maybe it's because of my ex-husband (who is 10 years younger than me) that I'm so scared of relationships and have a hard time believing men. He put me through verbal abuse throughout our marriage. It was still difficult for me to get a divorce... but I managed to do it.
This time, I fell for my boyfriend who I've known for about 10 months. I am scared of what might happen, but I am also terrified of losing him.
At one time I wanted to break up with him, but he cried all night and was very depressed. He said he cannot live without me. I am happy but also have doubts about his real feelings for me (he used to be a player).
He said he likes older women because he lacked parental love since he was young. So he felt secure with me. I'm flattered that a younger man loves me, but scared what others might think about me.
I am so confused! I don't know what to do.
Will his feelings for me change because of our age difference? Am I a bad adult because I have a relationship with someone 20 years younger than me (even though people tell me we only look 6 years apart)?
Does he really love me, or is he just using me?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: LadeeDeeDee123@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 2 Views: 0 12794 Comments: 0 159 View all posts by LadeeDeeDee123@xanga
Comments (31)
I think you being insecure about this is just silly...Age is only a number and its not like you're both teenagers. You've been dating for 10 months! Its obvious that hes crazy about you. Why would you give a shit about what other people think? As long as he treats you right (and from what it sounds like he does) I don't see a problem. BUT, if you're not ready for a relationship you should wait...
Pray to God for answers.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I have to disagree. Age is much more than just a number.
@Kazydai@mancouch - You mind elaborating on your opinion or are you just gonna tell me i'm wrong and not give reasons? lol
wtffffff
I've never dated anyone younger, but my boyfriend of the past year and a half is 11 years older. He is very insecure. I think it would be silly of you to be insecure...has he ever given you reason to be? And you are the only judge of if he's using you. Peope fall in love, regardless of age. It doesn't make you a bad adult.
From my point of view, age is NOT just a number, it's how long you are able to stay together. I can see 5 years, even 10 years difference, but anymore than that becomes a problem. I'm not trying to discourage you, so hear me out before you stop reading. My mom has this saying that I agree with, "a person cannot become truly yours until he/she is yours buried underground." This is nothing psychotic, it just means, if the person stays your husband/wife until death comes for him/her, then that person is really faithful and 100% yours. So see, all relationships in life are about fate and how much effort people are willing to put out. It really isn't what other people think, but it's how you feel. You feel insecure for a reason, so now you just have to decide, which is the scarier of your choices?
1) When someone likes an older person, it could be like your bf told you, he lacked parental love when he was younger, so in his mind, he wants to seek out the love that he didn't have as a kid. 2) If a person claims to fall in love with an older person (like 20+ years apart), then that person may be waiting for their older lover to pass his/her fortune on to this young lover.
Regardless, I feel that there's always a reason/motive behind such a wide age gap. (Remember, I am being biased and of course, when you ask people for advice, your answers will be biased because people have different beliefs and perspectives. )
No one can help you make a decision for your life, only you can make a decision and only you can execute that decision. So take a chance, and go with the decision that you want just a little bit more than the others. Now the final question that you need to answer for yourself is are you happy with your decision? If you are happy, then that's all that matters.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Oh, my bad. xD If age was nothing but a number, we wouldn't have age of consent laws, we wouldn't have an age requirement for drinking, or smoking, or driving, or gambling, etc.
@Kazydai@mancouch - Thats very true, I do agree with you there but we're talking about relationships not the law...But within my opinion there are boundaries....Like its a little sketchy if an 18yr old dates a 30+yr old...the maturity level is way off and they're in totally different places in their lives... but sense hes 27 and shes 47 its not terrible.
Don't let the insecurity eat away at you. No one ever knows how long a relationship will last, so you might as well enjoy it.
You shouldn't be scared of what others might think. It's your relationship and as long as you're happy in it... screw everyone else.
What I'd be concerned about is the whole "He said he likes older women because he lacked parental love since he was young" thing. But that's just me.i don't think it is necessarily a bad thing to date younger guys, and i agree with one of the previous comments that it's not so much age you have to worry about (unless it's a legit minor haha) but the level of maturity ....and i'm sorry but if you've only known this guy 10 months and he cried all night and said he can't live without you that doesn't really seem mature / healthy to me. Another thing that caught my attention is that he said he likes older women because he has parent issues.
A healthy relationship in my opinion should be about the connection between the people involved, not using other people as a crutch for your issues or a replacement for another person (especially a parent role). But the main thing that i think is important when dating someone so much younger is just that you have similar goals and values (ex: if he wants to have kids, etc....) because something like that could be a major problem (as it is for any couple to be honest, but the age difference is something that could be a reason you might not be on the same page with things just because of your stages in life)...
sorry this was so long but basically i think as long as you two are happy, are clear on the fact that you want the same things out of the relationship, and that he is with you for you and not just to fill whatever void his parents left, then don't bother caring what other people think- if you're happy that is all that matters.
sounds like he has "mommy issues" and you wanting to break up with him is like a mother abandoning her cub, thus he is crying
some of my male relatives dated older women and they also had parental issues, they were orphans abandoned by their parents, so it is an underlying issue. I have the female version of his issue, so I don't have any advice, I just can relate to some of his feelings of feeling more secure with someone older.
he's probably closer in age to your teenagers than he is to your age .. so um, no. be realistic, please.
you could have the same insecurities about any relationship that you are in especially given your past and your distrust for men in general. If this man weren't 20 years younger than you, you'd come up with another reason to feel insecure or distrust issues. I think working on healing the hurt from your past relationship with your husband will help a little bit.
With that said, any time you start a relationship, you risk getting hurt especially if you are giving your all. It is a part of life. I hope that you and this man can be happy for a very long time, but if he turns out not to be the one, there are other men, other relationships, and other journeys.
ETA: If some guy told me that he was interested in me b/c of mommy issues, I'd have to tell him to take those issues up with his mommy because I wasn't his mama nor was I interested in being his mama.
A lot of people believe that age is just a number.
While that may be true for some cases we must also remember
Age is an indicator in maturity and lifestyle.
Do not be insecure about his age
But question where he is in life and future plans.
your good 'til your 50.
I think it depends on where you are in your lives.
If he was still in party mode, and not really sure where his life was leading him, but you were career orientated, and wanting to get your life together... then it wouldn't really make sense for the two of you to be together.
But if you're both stable adults who are really committed to each other, and making any relationship work, then I don't see what the problem is at all.
Don't let other people's opinions affect your happiness. You'll drive yourself mad!
@Kazydai@mancouch - Once both parties are over 18 it doesn't make a difference as far as the law is concerned, it just becomes a matter of maturity and what society finds acceptable. For me personally if there's gonna be a huge age gap I'd have the younger of the two be at least 25 or so. That way they're at a point in their life where they have things under control and don't have to worry about much.
you're boyfriend wants not be with you because HE LACKED PARENTAL LOVE SINCE HE WAS YOUNG, if he said he's physically attracted to you, that'd be different.
not to be a rude, but you either need to re-word that or re-think it.this website is very good, you can go and see it
http://www.shoes4world.com/
http://www.shoes4world.com/
Everything sounded ok til this:
At one time I wanted to break up with him, but he cried all night and
was very depressed. He said he cannot live without me. I am happy but
also have doubts about his real feelings for me (he used to be a
player).
I would wait longer to make a decision.
"He said he cannot live without me." - That's creepy, I don't care that most people usually think it's romantic. I love my boyfriend because he doesn't NEED me, he just CHOOSES to be with me to make his life better.
"He said he likes older women because he lacked parental love since he was young." - This is weird, and I wouldn't want someone to be dating me because they had weird parental issues.
Are you giving him money or providing for him in some way? It sounds like he's using you and you aren't giving us all of the details.
thank you
جروح انسان
جروح
انسان
منتديات جروح انسان
منتدى جروح انسان
u shudnt b insecure