Hey girls,
I know a lot of you have to deal with jealous boyfriends. These are guys who want to spend all their time with you, or don't like you hanging out with guy friends alone. But what happens when your guy is actually jealous OF YOU?
I've had issues in the past with guys who weren't as smart as I am envying my grades. However, this could apply to any skill. Guys tend to be really competitive, so what do you do?
Recently, my boyfriend and I both tried out for a play. I got the lead and he got... nothing. He's not the jealous type, but he IS super competitive, so this hurt his sensitive ego.
What to do? So far I've:
- Reminded him I've been doing this a lot longer than he has.
- Reminded him of all the things he IS really good at (for example, he's a brilliant PhD student!).
- Encouraged him to keep trying.
- Told him I love him no matter what, and that I think he's perfect.
He still won't get over it, and it's kind of irritating. I mean, does he expect to be better than me at everything?
Has this ever happened to you, girls? Has a boyfriend been jealous of your looks, grades, friends, skills or job? How has it affected your relationship and what have you done about it?
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Comments (52)
Sorry, I HATE to nag but this sentence seems a little....uhm... egotistical??
"I've had issues in the past with guys who weren't as smart as I am envying my grades."
There are different kind of smarts. People can be good at one thing and suck at another. Like me, I'm horrible at math but hand me a camera and I'll shine with photography. Does that mean that other person is smarter than I am? No it does not.
I don't know what to tell you about your boyfriend... let him figure it out on his own...seems like you've done everything you can. Maybe encourage him to do something that he is good at?
Never had this happen before.
We never talked about it, but I'm pretty sure that my ex-boyfriend was jealous of the fact that I graduated high school on time and got to go to college immediately after. He had to drop out our senior year of high school to finish it the year after and only started going to college last year, at 21 years old.
It affected our relationship greatly. That's why we're no longer together. To clarify: I never cared that he took his time getting his act together; I was always proud of the things he accomplished (still am). It was the issues stemming from a lack of communication that drove us apart.
I don't know that my boyfriend necessarily gets jealous of me, but he does tend to go into a bit of a depression when he doesn't do as well as I do. On the other hand, he tends to be arrogant when he does do well.
In the end, when I do better, I don't tell him unless he asks and just generally try to act as though it's no big deal. I think guys get their egos really hurt when you try to comfort them about not doing as well, so I think you just try to play down the importance of the success if you can. "Oh, it's just one play. You know, I was really lucky to get the lead--I didn't really know if I could compete against all those girls. And you had it worse--to compete with all those guys!" I know it may not be true, but I've found that, at least in my case, playing it down rather than saying "I'm sorry" or "You'll do better" seems to work better. I feel like the rest is just unspokenly understood.
@Rachel - i don't think it's right or fair that anyone should have to play down an achievement they're genuinely excited about. her bf is the one that needs to get over himself and be happy for his woman. he's making it all about himself and she's trying to make him feel better...meanwhile it doesn't seem like he made any real effort to be proud of her.
i'm not saying she's got to rub it in his face or make him feel bad about it, but she's allowed to be happy and he should be happy for her.
I had an ex who was dumb as rocks.
A few months after I broke up with him I told him that he wasn't the worst boyfriend ever, we just weren't right for each other.
He said "Yeah, you are way too smart for me."
...
I've also had an ex who was jealous of me because some hot chick was into me instead of him, that was pretty funny.
that's probably why it is best not to compete in the same career/job or other competitions against each other.
I wasn't aware of any jealousy. the guys that I knew were probably too prideful to admit jealousy or anything else ego related. they probably complained to their friends if anything, so I'll have to ask, but I don't think they'll tell me
My boyfriend and I don't even like the same things (we have things in common just not career goals etc) so we don't ever compete really. He wants to be in a band and be really successful in it. I just want to be a nurse and help people. So, our goals are obviously different concerning careers which is a good thing. I wouldn't want to be competing with him all the time. When we talk we're able to just talk about our differences without feeling like the other one is judging that they're better.I don't think I could handle it really. Nursing is my thing and music is his thing.
Respecting the male ego is not easy. Men want to protect women. If a woman is better than a man, he will feel useless.
I've had a couple of ex's who were jealous because I was at university, and they weren't. I don't think there's much you can do, though. It's due to their insecurities that they're jealous - it's not your fault :)
Yes, I've had this happen before. It is part of why one relationship ended and the reason for why some guys "liked" me, but wouldn't date me. Most men can't handle a girl who is smarter than them. Yes, there are different kinds of smarts but guys can't seem to handle a girl who is better than them at anything where society thinks men excel at over women. It's a shame. Those kinds of guys have become turn-offs and I can't even be friends with that type. Good luck.
If only we all had boyfriends to be jealous of us...
http://mysolaris.xanga.com/
My ex used to be jealous of my writing skills.. I can't even spell properly for the most part, but when he read my work that got many praises, he was downright jealous, and acted quite strange about it..
When a man is inferior in achievements to his woman, he feels inferior, he feels like a woman.
But he wants to feel like a man! You know the bread buyer, support beams of the relationship, and if you are better at the one thing he wants to be the best at, it sort of emasculates him.
Dont remind him of all the details of why your more manly than he is, thats just not soothing at all.
Yea you've done it longer than him, and he has a PhD but he wanted that main role, and you got it.
You have to make him feel manly again.
ask for his help, tell him you cant do this alone, and you need him to help you succeed.
Express that you still lean on him for support.
I dated a guy who was everything above from being jealous of me, my grades, success, family, friends, looks...etc..etc..
My bf just says, "Wow!! I love having a smart girlfriend!! Thankyou sooo much for helping me!" and such, but the man's a friggin genius. To us, we're one. If he fails at getting into the Air Force Academy (because of his English. It's not his first language and he just got here a few years ago,) then I'll come right behind him with an application. No matter what, there's many routes we can take to get to the same destination.
He's a lot stronger than I am and physically capable of many things, so he wrote out a work-out plan to make Basic Training easier for me. We work together, in a sense, even if he's on the other side of the world right now. We make all of our decisions together. I'm convinced that this is how it should be.
He shouldn't ever be discouraged from reaching for his/our dreams. If I somehow succeed where he fails, it means there's less work for HIM to do in the future because I'll be beside him every step of the way. And, I feel the exact same way. If he makes it into the Academy and I can't get in, I won't be jealous--- I'll be proud of him.
My best friend (who is a guy) turns everything into a competition, but I usually beat him. So I try to not keep score when play games and let him gloat if he wins.
@sumtymesiwonder@xanga - I wish I could rec this comment. So true!
haha a little healthy competition can give any relationship a little zest. However, when you rub it in ( sometimes we do subconciously rub it in by saying 'It's ok....'etc) it makes the situation worse. I like competitive guys, because it shows that they got ambition but I guess I'd hate it if a guy went all beserk if I bested him at something.
I once had a professor tell me that an artist should never marry another artist. I was an art major in college, and at the time, I was dating another art major. We were both in 3 classes together, and we did have a competition between each other to make the best art, and often we gave each other our opinions of each other's work, which at times was good, and others...bad. Once we broke up, I realized what my professor meant. I needed someone who would support me and understood what I did, but not someone who was in the same field, because I didn't need another critic in my house.
Offer to coach him, in exchange for him helping you with something that he is better at than you are.
That way, you're helping him improve, and flattering him by pointing out an area that HE is so much better in, plus you improve too!oh geez. pre-med guys when i was an undergrad...
uh my ex bf always thought that i looked prettier than him.. but who the f cares! that shouldnt matter. lol dude i wasn't dating him b/c of just looks. i was dating him b/c i care about him
Yes, my boyfriend is sometimes jealous of my success or how I handle situations better than him. And I also get jealous with how he can have so many friends and is able to have more of a social life than I can. HOWEVER! we do NOT make each other feel bad for our good qualities. In fact, we encourage. While yes, we are jealous we DO NOT get on each other's nerves.
He shouldn't be making you feel this way. Instead he should celebrate that his girlfriend is just that awesome. He needs to get over himself or you can go find someone else who can love your successes instead of being jealous.
Just sayin'
I had a boyfriend who was jealous of my relationship with my mother, of all things. He and his mother get along now for the most part, but he had a pretty dysfunctional childhood and he envied what I have with my family. He even tried to guilt me into not visiting my mom when she was in town once, saying it "wasn't fair" that I was happy and he wasn't.
That was just the tip of the iceberg with his jealousy issues. Needless to say, we didn't last.